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Jim91
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Hi everyone, I'm new here I've been reading what others have went through and I thought I'd share my own experience to get things off my chest and get others opinions which might do me some good so here goes.. I was born prematurely (14 weeks too early) with learning and co-ordination disabilities - the knock on effects of that have felt like a dark cloud that has never left. My prematurity led to me being alot shorter, skinnier and having an under developed body than almost all of my peers in school. It wasn't an issue until the age of around 9/10 towards the end of primary school. I was already being beaten & bullied for the way that I looked in general and that combined with my learning disabilities led to me being left out of sports, isolated, left on my own in school and most importantly being invisible to girls, being the butt of jokes, always being compared and contrasted negatively compared to other boys (small hand size, shoe size, shorter than everyone else, baby-ish etc) and so on which was horrible. When I was 9 I was made to realize that I wasn't just alot skinnier, shorter and "retarded" compared to everyone else but smaller or underdeveloped down below aswell. As soon as I pulled down my underwear in the changing rooms of a leisure centre we'd visit on school trips to go swimming I was met with an echo of laughter from most of the other boys. The feelings of worthlessness and shame only got worse the older I got as I didn't hit puberty or grow taller untill around 17 by that time I had left school. When I was 10 I was using the urinals as happy as larry until two twins who would have bullied me burst in with one of them pinning my arms behind my back, lifting me up and spinning me around and his brother held open the door to the toilets while both laughing, a number of girls who were going into their toilets stopped and laughed at me.. How hilarious.. I rarely use urinals to this day (28)..When I was 11 I was abused/molested by someone my own age who took advantage of my learning disabilities and naivety in order to do things that I didn't understand. One of the two times that it happened the person remarked Where is it, Do you even have one, Your tiny.. Since then I have had a severe fear of being touched, a fear of being naked, panic attacks to the point of trembling and teeth chattering, trouble getting it up etc... Around 12 I watched Porn and was shocked (at hardcore porn) confused and ashamed as to why I didn't look as big as anyone in the videos I figured they must be selected on that basis but then I wasn't as big as almost anyone in school for that matter - in my mind something must be wrong with my body. Fast forward to being 16 and I still looked like a 11 or 12 year old little boy. The feelings I had of being inadequate and then being treated as such by most girls was soul destroying. I would wait until everyone else had got changed during PE lessons and never showered. It really hurt being laughed at about my body and private parts at 9,10 or 11 but to be 16 and to look the way I did and watch most girls continuously choose boys who were complete b#stards to me and others simply because of being more taller, muscley, bigger down below or more popular than I was depressed the life out of me as there was simply nothing I could do about it. There were girls who asked me out during secondary school but I always believed it was some kind of sick joke or prank as I didn't look like what most of the girls gossiped about. One of the best looking girls in my form class sent an overweight girl over to ask me out on her behalf - I went red and shook my head as in my mind it could never be me/true. After school I withdrew from society for a year and then went to a technical college, my life improved as I had friends first and foremost but I also hit puberty and grew from being 5'3 / 5'4 to being 5'11. I was still skinny which I didn't particularly mind until I heard two girls saying I would be like shagging a skeleton and that I was too thin.. This combined with years of bullying and humiliation led me to lift weights (dumbbells) and do pull ups for around a year and a half I went from very skinny to being a mixture of slim / stocky. Suddenly middle aged women who helped me with learning support who never batted an eyelid at me in college would giggle around me, show off cleavage or pass remarks such as Do you lift weights? Do you work out? I'm sure this isn't the first time you've been alone with two women in a room etc.. That felt great to finally get attention but in my mind it just proved how shallow alot of women and girls are.. Don't have big muscles/tall height/average or above dick size/money/popularity??? -- You're meaningless and worth nothing.                  After years of watching porn and feeling like crap I finally checked and found that a regular / average size was between 5 / 6 inches. I checked myself at the age of around 21 and I was 6.5 / 7 inches at the very best and 5 / 6 inches if nervous with not the best girth in the world.              That was at 21 however I'm now 28 and after looking after an elderly relative for almost 5 years until they passed away I've lost a huge amount of weight (especially in my legs n thighs) due to stress depression etc and put on a beer gut from binge drinking.. That has led me to having excess skin down below to the point of not being able to get it up properly.. being smaller & skinny-er than when I was a bit younger which ruins any sense of confidence or self esteem I may have had. Because of my childhood issues I tried to go and pay for it / see escorts a few years ago to fix myself and had mixed opinions one girl in her 30s telling me - Yours is too small, too thin it's not big enough n thick enough what girl wants that.. You don't know how to F at your age.. I can tell that your scared - all while grinning at me. Another middle aged escort lied to my face and said size doesn't matter, your average it's fine... Until I showed her the pics on my phone from when I was between 6/7 inches she then said that I'm bigger harder and thicker in my pictures and that to be honest it matters because "some" women prefer a bigger thicker penis.. The only saving grace is that she said I have excess skin that prevents me from getting properly hard and have had childhood trauma that effects me .. Rather than getting an urge to walk Infront of a bus after being told "You just have a small dick" .. I have went on one date in my life with a girl who was 34 when I was 26. We met on a dating app, after chatting for ages she got to see a dick pic and said God your big there.. We spent the day drinking, eating, playing pool and at the end of the night she wanted me to come back to hers and stay the night asking me 2 or 3 times.. I made my excuses and left on the bus home (Due to anxiety about not being big enough, lack of experience, bad co ordination etc) If this has been long winded I apologize as I haven't been able to tell this to many people including counsellors (I get lost for words or embarrassed) I have also read alot of other guys posts and feel bad for feeling down in the dumps for being 5 / 5.5 at my best now days, flimsy and not the thickest when there are guys on here who are well below the average or have micro penises. I hope there is some sense in this post and thanks for reading this far ! :)

Edited by Jim91
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Hi, Jim, welcome! :)

No need to apologize for your post; it's good that you have "let it all out"!

BTW, when you have troubles to express yourself in front of a counsellor, you can take a text (this one or a similar one) with you and let them read it first. It can help a lot to open up and to start a better (more focused) conversation.

I'm sorry your life has been so full of bullies and other mean, shallow, and stupid people :( . And then you had a long, difficult task to take care of someone close - that must have been very stressful and time-consuming, as it led you to neglect your own health and well-being... And after that, when you lost that 'task', how did you feel? I also wonder if you feel now motivated to change your life for better again. The shallow women you mentioned are not worth it (=don't do it for such people) , but you are (=do it for yourself). When you are in better shape, you can feel better in general, it seems. And you're then also in better health, so it's positive in any case. 

Good luck and take care!

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Hey! 

 

Good thing you reached out! 

Now, first: did you ever get your testosterone checked? Normally this shouldn't help with size after puberty, but there's some anecdotal evidence that it could (though, that's if you had a micropenis). It might help with erectile function, muscular size and confidence. 

 

Second: with excess skin, you mean abdominal skin and the skin near the penis , right? If you mean your scrotum (which can lead to erectile difficulties), you should make sure you don't have a penoscrotal fusion. You can see what it looks like here (NSFW - educational pictures of male genital anomalies):

These pictures are used to sell a treatment, so you should take the "after" pictures with a grain of salt - it's the best case scenario. You should look at the before pictures. Additionally, they also sell enlargement surgery - we all know the pictures look tempting, but you are not in a state that would warrant the risks. You might worst-case end up unable to even masturbate. Additionally, I don't know these physicians or their skills and only link them because it's hard to find good pictures on this rare condition. Consult a doctor if your skin looks like this. Don't worry, it only needs treatment if it causes stuff like erectile disfunction and is pretty harmless overall. Still, ask a doctor. 

 https://www.laserpenoplasty.com/gallery/?title=penoscrotal-webbing

 

Next: Yes, some women prefer bigger, but you should try to rethink the consequences of that. If the only way to get into a relationship is being the perfect male, then most of our dads would've died virgins. Most women prefer well trained men with symmetrical muscels, perfect skin, a manly jaw, the perfect stubble beard, full hair... blablabla. Nonetheless, they eventually settle for less. You are above most men. 

On your erectile problem: maybe try citrulline-malate. your daily dose should (according to the linked study) contain at least 5.6g L-citrulline. Citrulline is a natural and rare aminoacid found in melons. You can combine it with L-arginine if you want. Here's a study on it. Nonetheless, it's a small sample size and just something you can try at your own risk if you want. This is not medical advice from a professional and you should generally consult a professional if you show symptoms of any disease. 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21195829

 

If it doesn't help or you don't want to take it, consult a doctor. Also make sure to treat high blood pressure as it might not only kill you, but also cause these problems. 

 

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That sucks man, I'm sorry people were so mean to you and that you were bullied and abused in that way. Hopefully you can get back in shape to boost you confidence and find a nice girl who appreciates you for who you are as you seem nice and genuine person. Stick with you counselling to help you with your self esteem issues and try to put yourself in social situations with good friends if possible.  Best of luck. 

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