Symptoms or Reality

[nancyannee]

I have never been diagnosed schizophrenic, have been Dx bipolar with psychosis. This may be because I have never been completely open about my beliefs and experiences.

The changes started in my middle 20's. I actually had a conversation with several people (government officials) on the TV. I have no doubt this actually happened. It was a two-way conversation. Soon after the conversation, government helicopters flew over my house. The whole neighborhood came out to see them. I just knew they were finally coming to "take me away".

I was born in the late 60's at Crawford Long. This is a testing hospital that performed many experiments on patients. My birth mother gave birth to me at this hospital and I believe I am a product of some of these experiments. I do believe in aliens, and I believe they are tracking some people. not all but there are the ones that are chosen. and I am one of them. The testing is generational and some experiments are to find out if the testing continues if you move to a family that is not chosen. it does.

Does this make me schizophrenic? Of course I don't think so. I may be labeled as such who knows.... There are many other things that have happened. Other thoughts and beliefs I hold on to. I have never talked about any of them to anyone other than my husband and adult child.

I have kept all this to myself,I am tired of these thoughts and beliefs. I am now 41 and it is very tiring always being on the look out, wondering what and who is watching and monitoring me now...

I don't have close friends, I have no relationship with any doctor, and I don't know how to get the help I need to stop these thoughts. It seems impossible to me to say these things to someone face to face. Last year I walked into my local ER and talked about racing thoughts and hallucinations, but nothing else. I spent 4 days in patient at a local hospital. because I was not completely open about what I believe, I am sure I did not get the right medicine. I stopped taking the medicine after about 5 months.

I don't think I could go that route again. I felt very insecure and judged, and it is not an experience I would want repeated.

LONG STORY sorry, I just had to get this out there...`whew``

Is there nothing I can do from home and online to help me?

[finding my way]

For the most part we are just untrained fellow sufferers trying to offer each other support. I hope it helps to express yourself here so that you are not holding it all in. We may not know how to advise you, but we are listening:o

[nancyannee]

thats just it finding my way....I have never unloaded. I have never been honest about how I feel and the things that plague me. I am hoping this will help me overcome my inability to talk openly about myself and start the process of finding a better way to live.

maybe I will get the courage to find a doctor and just let him read what I wrote...who knows. something has to get better. living like this is not living.

I have lived my whole life, literally wearing one mask or another. always hiding my reality from everyone. at this point in my life, I am tired of living in denial.

[malign]

nancyannee,

I'm not going to try to tell you what "reality" is. As far as I can tell, there's some difference of opinion about it, anyway.

But the important thing, it seems to me, is that you say you are "tired of these thoughts and beliefs" and that you want to stop them. That tells me that you can identify which ones you want stopped. So my guess is, the others are "reality". :-)

Much as I might wish to change some of the things I'd call "reality", I don't find myself fighting them enough to get tired. They're just there.

I'm glad you were able to share these beliefs with us. I hope it helps you do it later with a professional who can help, yes, even if that means just printing out what you wrote. One of the tiring things must be just having to keep them secret.

One thing you can be sure of: if you don't do something to change some part of this, it won't change on its own. I think you have a right to be free of it.

[nancyannee]

malign your response if very welcome and I appreciate the time you took to reply.

what you say is true....nothing is going to change unless I do something about it. that is the kicker...I know I need to. I just feel paralyzed when it comes to caring for myself.

encouraging words from this group is certainly helpful and I hope to gather strength from it and get the help I need...

nancy

[nancyannee]

I have never been diagnosed schizophrenic, have been Dx bipolar with psychosis. This may be because I have never been completely open about my beliefs and experiences.

Well, I was finally diagnosed scizoaffective. It is almost a relief to have some sort of validation. All these years of hearing, smelling and seeing things....I am taking all sorts of meds to give me some relief and I hope to remain compliant.

My husband is going to help and so are my girls. It took me 20+ years to openly admit I have a problem and now I am ready to embrace my illness and forget about being embarrassed or ashamed.

[mscat]

Well, I was finally diagnosed scizoaffective. It is almost a relief to have some sort of validation. All these years of hearing, smelling and seeing things....I am taking all sorts of meds to give me some relief and I hope to remain compliant.

My husband is going to help and so are my girls. It took me 20+ years to openly admit I have a problem and now I am ready to embrace my illness and forget about being embarrassed or ashamed.

That is very good nancyannee . Are you also in therapy? Meds can help control the symtoms, and therapy helps talk about all these other things that are going on . It helps talking to a professional. One that you can trust , and offer you feedback.

Best wishes to you

[nancyannee]

mscat, we decided that until I have been on meds for a while to NOT attempt therapy. That has always been my problem staying compliant in the past. I would go to therapy and after a few weeks stop going.... Until my meds are all really working we don't want to risk me sliding back into old behaviors and stop taking them.

I also suffer from PTSD and as I am basically an optimistic person I will manage fine without CBT. They may want me to do some sort of regression therapy later, because I have lost my early early years due to abuse, but for now they see no reason why I should remember any of it...

the docs just want me to be on meds several months before trying to risk therapy.

Thanks for asking though!!!

[malign]

Hi Nancy, welcome back. :-)

It's great that you were able to be open with your doctors, and that you're feeling better with the treatment they've ordered. I'm so glad that you took the chance and went to get the help you needed.

It's so cool to be able to attach your success story on the end of the thread you started! We don't often get to see both ends of the process. Thanks for sharing it with us.

[nancyannee]

malign, I am certainly a work in progress....although I am not doing CBT, I am going to go to a Group Therapy for my PTSD.

It is strange. I wondered about my hallucinations, all of them...auditory, visual and olfactory, when I moved. Some places I don't have them. Others I do....I believe that they generate from residual energy surrounding the area I am in...anyway... this area we moved to is old old old (historical and charming old..). LOTS of residual energy. My visual hallucinations have increased, but so far have lost (thank goodness)the olfactory...Also the auditory have increased...

I am attributing all this to severe exhaustion from the move and anticipate they go away....

I am SO glad to be back from the hosptial and in my new home away from all the SAD and BAD memories of the old house.

I love having a positive outlook...this is all so new!!

[malign]

Nancy, always good to hear from you. Who isn't a work in progress? I'm certainly hoping it's not over until it's really over, that I can keep changing stuff right up until the end: I still have a lot to do. Although at the moment it looks mostly like I'm trying to put on an addition, under my belt. ;-)

I think the hope is the most important thing. If you still have some symptoms, but you can deal with them, well, okay. It must feel so much better not dragging around depressed all the time.

Good luck in your new home, and keep in touch.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Nancy and welcome back,

Sometimes I think we make too much of therapy having to be CBT. It is a good thing that you are in group therapy. Are the hallucinations frightening for you and are you on medication for them? How are you feeling in general these days?

I agree that it is good that you are back and we want to have you involved with us again.

Allan

[nancyannee]

Thank you Malign. The house is OLD but really big so we all FINALLY have enough space to spread out.

Allan, I have always had the visual hallucinations. They are not frightening, but sometimes they do catch me by surprise. It seems I will have those whether I am on medication or not. I am taking 1000mg of Depakote, 6mg of Risperdal, with an injection once monthly of Risperdal Consta, 20mg of Celexa, 2mg. Cogentin, 5mg. Haldol as needed, Visitril (totally useless) for anxiety. The meds make my mouth so dry I can't stand it. I am like a zombie taking all these....My final diagnosis (this time) is schizoaffective with dual diagnosis of PTSD.

I am thinking I would rather have the symptoms instead of the meds....My bipolar is rapid cycling. I am upbeat one minute down the next. With one main constant...NO ENERGY...which will lead me to self medicate if I can't get on something for energy.

Allan, every time I have gone for help...get put on meds...the only thing the docs will consider is Depakote, is there a reason for this? I DON"T like it and requested something else....they left it alone.

With all that being said....just being out of the house my Mama lived in has helped with being so sad.

[nancyannee]

I appreciate your feedback. what is your take on all the drugs they want me to be on? I am able to live with part of the symptoms, like hallucinations and sounds (voices) I hear. What I CANT live with is the lethargy and depression:(...they are so scared I will go manic. I don't think I have truly been manic for years. and if I am it is because I self medicate and take (street) drugs that I KNOW will help me be positive and upbeat. so I know that is not a good option.

[David O]

Hi Nancyannee,

It seems others have covered many of the issues well and with great sensitivity and compassion. I wanted to touch on one question: "every time I have gone for help...get put on meds...the only thing the docs will consider is Depakote, is there a reason for this?" What you you seem to be describing is ultradian-rapid cycling bipolar disorder (a fairly new concept in the Bipolar "spectrum"), and unfortunately, Depakote is one of the more effective medications for it.

Something to consider though, the conventional model for understanding the upper limits for rapid cycling is typically a 48-hour cycle (i.e., a max of one manic and one depressive episode within a 48 hour period). When mood swings occur at a higher frequency, many clinicians begin to look for a possible diagnosis of a Personality Disorder (e.g., Borderline Personality Disorder) as opposed to Bipolar Disorder. That is, mood shifts that occur several times per day or 2-3 times in a 48 hour period have the type of mood regulation problems seen in individuals who may experiencing a Personality Disorder. On the other hand, there are some published reports of a small minority of individuals who do experience these ultra-rapidn cycles (several shifts in a 48 hour period). There are also reports of rapid cycling (several shifts in a day) for younger patients (prepubertal and early adolescence).

I mention this only so that as you progress in treatment, if medications seem to not be working, discuss this with your MD as another area to explore. What you're looking for is the most effective treatment, the correct diagnosis is a key factor.

Good Luck Nancyannee and please keep us posted,

David O.

Edited July 11, 2009 by David O

[David O]

Deleted message

[Guest ASchwartz]

Nancyanne,

Sorry I have taken so long to get back to you. I have been preoccupied because my daughter just gave birth to our first grandcild and I have not been on the site as much as usual.

They prescribe Depakote because it works as a mood stabilizer. It is not that they are "frightened" of your manic episodes but they want to help you feel in control so that you can use good judgment.

Side effects from medications are common and you must speak to your psychiatrist about them. You should mention the dry mouth and you should mention the lethargy or depression. It could be that the "depression" has more to do with not being manic. In my experience as a therapist, many people prefer the manic feelings. Anyway, speak to your psychiatrist. Please, please, do not go off of your medicines. Let the doctor do the doctoring but speak to him and make him understand what you are experiencing.

Hallucinations: It sometimes happens that hallucinations persist even with medication. As long as they do not scare you, are not frightening you or threatening you or anyone else, its ok. I have known patients who are comfortable with their hallucinations. It is something that can happen. Again, check with your psychiatrist.

Now: key question: Are you in psychotherapy?

Too often, medicine is prescribed and there is no therapy. That is a mstake. I have known many people with Bipolar disorder who benefitted from medication and psychotherapy.

Allan