Taking things to heart

[SweetSue]

Hi Everyone,

ok,

When people say nice things to me, or possitive things about me, i find it really hard to believe and accept.

When peoples actions are unkind to me , or say something demoralizing and hurtful, i take it to heart, and even if its not justified i believe there words and understand why they treat me the way they do.

Any ideas anyone ?

thankyou for your time

take care

Jj

[karuna]

You know JJ, I have not heard you tell me much about what you think is good about yourself. But, it actually comes out in your posts. When you're not talking about yourself, just in conversation with someone, you say something positive about yourself. I KNOW what I think and feel about you.

Give me a description of some or all of what you like about yourself. If you are drawing a blank/stuck today, tell me what others like about you.

Ready, set, go...

I start you off-

I JJ care about others suffering.

I JJ make a difference.

I JJ

When I hear back, I'll tell you what I do;-)

[SweetSue]

Hi Karuna

not sure really what to say !!!

im not good at this kind of stuff, it usually just seems a pointless exercise coz i can never think of anything.

i will try but you may have to help me on this one coz well im better at the negatives.

ok.....

things i like aboout myself

1, the relationship i have formed with my children, the bond we had

2. i try to help people smile

things other people like about me

1. not sure really , i guess that i listen

sorry Karuna i am trying its just this is hard for me,

thankyou so much for helping me

take care

Jj

[karuna]

JJ-

I understand. This is part of your effort to feel strong. If you weren't interested in winning, you wouldn't care what anyone said, or felt, or thought.

Fist of all, I ask myself, if the person is actually being unkind and hurtful, I would say to that person, “What you just said was hurtful. I think if you knew me, you would not feel that way. I am a kind, gentle, caring person. I make people smile and feel good and they enjoy me.” “Tell me about yourself”. Once you o this a few times, you'll feel great. You're then in control and you've just thrown the other person off their game. Practice on being powerful. I did and continually do.

If, they are not actually being hurtful, etc. and I am just feeling in a “mood”, then I will say to myself, “Oh, stop karuna…just stop thinking that way…enough already!” I really do say/think this! I stop myself from feeling one way. I pause, take a deep breath in and slowly exhale; I do this a few times. Then I smile and say, “I’m good, I'm kind and I like myself.” Exhale and smile or giggle.

IF I am straight out in a really bad mood, I will say to myself, as if I were talking to that person, “HA! You know nothing about me. I am karuna! I am powerful, strong, AND kind. I know the fairy godfather! DO NOT MESS WITH ME! With just the swish of his wand, he could change your life.”

Then I start laughing and I feel better.

[SweetSue]

Hi Karuna,

thanks for your ideas

im not sure that i am able to say those things to someone out loud, it seems a bit confrontational to me, and i get very nervous around people. i would be afraid of the consequences.

i will diffinatly try and give your second idea a try, im sure with practise i might be able to alter myself into this line of thinking

thirdly , well i love that thought, it made me smile , im going to try a nd remember that one.

thankyou so much for helping me. i know i still have a lot of work to do and a long road to do it on. thankyou for making me smile

take care

Jjj

[karuna]

JJ,

In regard to the first suggestion-it is not done in a confrontational manor. You say that with a soft voice because you are being sincere. I never confuse being confrontational with being powerful!

Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States said, " I don't like that man. I must get to know him better."

When I find I don't like someone, I stop and think maybe it's because I don't know him or her. It also works when I don't like myself.

You'll find what works best for you.

Oh, and remember everyday when you bathe, you are covering yourself with a non-stick material---not only does it smell nice, it builds up over time.

XXX

[SweetSue]

HI karuna

Sorry i dont think i explained what i meant on the first point very well.

Im going to try again ok. bear with me.

I didnt mean that it to be in in a confrontational matter, and i dont normally speak (well when i could) in anything other than a softly spoken voice.

I meant that it might be taken that way, sorry i get really paranoid when it comes to talking with people.

I think that i understand the point that you are making, and i hope that my previous comment didnt upset you in any way.

I am still trying ok, im not giving up on this one. Its something that i just need to work on to help over come my fears.

Thankyou for your help, i appreiciate it.

Take care

Jj

[karuna]

JJ, I am NOT upset. No, dear- I am sorry to have given you that impression. I underlined and put an explanation mark in that sentence because I do not believe people who are confrontational or aggressive are, in any remote way, truly powerful people.

I completely understand how uncomfortable it can feel speaking with people, much less verbally standing up for yourself. It takes practice, building one's confidence. I once was afraid I'd be rejected before I opened my mouth. I convinced myself that what I had to say was not going to interest anyone and I'd be laughed out of the room.

>fast forwarding to the middle of my life, I was teaching at a university, ran a large business, and did public speaking.

Many people never feel comfortable speaking in front of others. They do it only when it's necessary and that's just fine!

The point I was trying to make about the bathing thing is you have to trust that you will become less sensitive and feel more comfortable with your voice and what you have to say. I'm finding it difficult to articulate, especially in written word, lately---the cancer is moving around my brain. So bear with me, please. I'll try harder, too.

I can not tell you how impressed I am with your fortitude and your optimism. I respect you for trying. I like you and I believe in you JessicaJane!!!

I received this message in a fortune cookie. Optimism: a cheerful frame of mind that enables a tea kettle to sing though in hot water up to it's nose.

[SweetSue]

Hi Karuna

I appprieciate your words and they kinda make sense to me. You are a very intelligent person, i just find it difficult to concentrate and understand. My head is all over the place these days.

Thankyou for explaining the bath thing to me, i find things hard to work out, i think partly due to all the meds im on, and partly coz of the "voices".

Its taken me ages now to figure out the fortune cookie one, but i think that ive cracked it.

I truely admire your sense of humour, a smile often sees me through the craziness of my day.

Take care

Thankyou for all the help

Jj

[IrmaJean]

I really like your 'little things mean a lot" signature, JJ. I think that is so very true! For me it has always been about the simple and familiar things in life that bring us comfort and joy. I think sometimes we get caught up in the stress and craziness of everyday life and forget to stop and look with wonder at all of the beauty that's right in front of us. Like right now it's raining outside here. I hear the raindops landing gently on the fallen leaves and I know that autumn is here. There's a different smell in the air...a soggy dead grass kind of smell...and I recognize it quite well. Very soon the leaves will change to many beautiful shades of red, orange and yellow. I've always found nature to be very peaceful and relaxing. What little things mean a lot to you?

[SweetSue]

Hi IrmaJean,

"Its the little things in life that mean so much"......

Well i have a few......

Firstly my Children, that is what my signiture, actually represents. Im no longer with them, and at times i struggle a heck of a lot, as to why i should keep fighting so damn hard to keep breathing. Its there as a constant reminder of what my fight is actually for. The four smilies, well one for each of my adorable babies. Our Hope, Our Future, Our Family, Our Fairy Tale.

They are my little things in life, and they do mean so very, very musch to me, they are my everything.

Kinda silly i realise this, but it kinda helps to keep me focused on the road ahead, rather than whats behind. Hope you guys can understand, not sure if it makes sense.

[IrmaJean]

That's sweet that the smilies represent each of your children. So you have four then? That's awesome. Children really are the beacon of hope, aren't they? And, yes, they do help us focus on the path ahead. That makes perfect sense and I understand what you mean. I have 3 myself. Imagine all of the future graduations, weddings and grandbabies that you have to look forward to. I hope you feel better very soon!

[SweetSue]

Hi IrmaJean,

Yes, i have 4 children, I have 3 girls and a boy. My eldest is 5 and my youngest is 18 months, they are little monkeys, great fun, and a great way of keeping fit !!!

I hadnt even thought about their graduation, marriages, grandkiddies..... Oh my word i do have a lot to save up for. Guess i had better start saving !!!

Thanks IrmaJean

Take care

Jj

[SweetSue]

"Taking things to heart"

Back on this one again (sorry folks)

You know Ive been giving this some thought on and off for a while now.

And this is what I have come up with so far.

When peoples actions are, negative towards me, oh I dont know, if they say something hurtful, or they act in an unkind way.

Rightly or wrongly, I take there words to heart, accept their actions, I think its coz, well, I feel that, its cause they are just reacting, to something that I have done, reacting to my own attitude or behaviour.

When people act kind toward me, It is hard (ok sometimes impossible to believe)

Think this is down to the fact that, well, Im not nice to myself, (I dont think I deserve, to be,). and it feels awkward, un natural when I try, I cant believe me when I try. why should people be nice to me when I cant be nice to myself. Think that maybe, I need to learn to be nice to me, then maybe I will find it easier to accept when people say something nice about me.

So maybe, this isnt a irrational fear after all, maybe it is a perfectly justified feeling.

Maybe cognitive reframing, just isnt possible, and cant help me with this issue.

Edited October 22, 2009 by SweetSue
coz my spelling is rubbish

[mscat]

Howdy Sue,

I was thinking about this ....

Perhaps I may help? firstly . Theirs this old saying. "talk is cheap" really it is. Meaning, anybody can say say anything, blurt out all kinds of crap they want to without thinking at all > A lot of people do it , most people in todays worild do so, talk , first without thinking > I call it diarreah of the mouth Anther joke. Hey the list goes on.

It is difficult though, if it is a friend or loved one who says it. This is where it can be hurtful. Even so, what I have learned to do is to tune it out, and remember if it is someone I do not know , I don't give a crap. I guess I am thick skinned. Lately I have had a sharp tounge though. Amazingly, I have fired back. I get angry enough , I will . I have been snappy , and have even "scarred" some away from the gas pump after they tried to cut me off from the gas pump. YEP , thats me, I did not even have to leave my car.

I think what someone was trying to say was it is by the behavior of others that really matters most of all. Than by what somebody says.

Actions speak louder than words . I use to be extrememly sensitive aboiut what others said. NOT anymore. I could care less . I do not know what has changed. Some kind of switch has turned on . I am not so sensitive to that anymore.

But, action of people is what matters more. People say what is on their mind, and then can apolgise three seconds later, for saying it. Or say it to see what kind of reaction they get out of you. They do it on purpose or really do not care who they hurt. Their are people out there like that. I am not. I try not to hurt others, but if they start in on me, well YES, then it's on.

You are not a bad person, Sue. You are a kind, sweet person. And a sensitive person. That is who you are. It is not bad that your like that. You will be ok.