It's all my fault

[goose]

Details don't matter anymore.

Edited September 26, 2009 by goose
It's just too hard

[SweetSue]

Hey Goose

Details dont matter to who ?

To you ?

I think somewhere inside of you that they might.

To the people in the outside world ?

Dont really know .... i havnt seen the outside world for so long, that i wonder if it really exists.

To your friends here ?

I think you will find that you matter to all your friends here.

We all care about you Goose, we care when your upset, feeling low, feeling like things dont matter anymore,

It matters to us !!!

Whats wrong Goose, were all here for you, in the same way that you are here for us.

Please let us help, if we can.

Take care

Jj

[David O]

Goose,

The details don't matter, you're right. But I do think that what you spoke about earlier (prior to your changing the substance of this thread) is very much like what many of us go thru when things aren't going well. We then begin to blame ourselves for things not entirely in our control.

I can't describe the immense guilt I have for not having been the father I wanted for my son, who has both ADHD, Anxiety and occasional Depression. The realities are that I was an excellent father... I coached his basketball, soccer and swim teams year after year after year. I attended school functions, loved him dearly and did so much. I stayed up with him late into the nights when he contracted Lyme disease and on trips to the hospital for what they thought was spinal meningitis; but, I have always struggled with not being able to see clearly that I was indeed a good father.

Please let me apologize for my bluntness here-- I can't say it any other way w/o it having the same force with you as it does with me: What does matter is how you seem to have determined that your son's ADHD is as a result of your Depression b/c somewhere there's been a genetic link (a weak one at that). And then you seem to be doing what I've done for 25 years, blame yourself for where he may have made a mistakes. I've always found the following statistic fascinating and yet distorted: 98% of all heroin, cocaine and alcohol addicts were milk drinkers as children-- therefore, drinking milk causes addiction. It's this type of logic that gets me in trouble and doesn't allow me to be whole and present for him when he really needs me. Is this the logic you're using?

Sue (Jj) is right-- the details really only matter to you, but b/c they do matter so much, is it possible that they alter how you relate to your son in such a way that you can't love him fully?

Again, Goose, I'm sorry for being so blunt, my intent is only to be of help by cutting thru the logic I see myself also using.

I hope this helps.

Edited September 27, 2009 by David O

[SweetSue]

Hi Goose

Sorry i didnt realise that this thread had been changed, i appologise. Take no notice of my earlier post here ok.

However i dont realy understand what is wrong, but i do hope that you feel better soon.

Take care

Jj

[mscat]

Hi goose,

I did not see what you edited in your original post, however, what matters is that you are very upset.

I hope that your going to be ok .I have know idea what's wrong. When yor ready , perhaps you could write more about how your feeling.

mscat

[goose]

Thank you Jj, David and mscat for your replies.

I need to trust my friends here so I will try to explain.

I feel it is my fault -

That: My son had ADHD because I was depressed during the pregnancy - I have read that that can be one of the causes. Ok David I know I have to let that one go, but it still lurks there in the back of my mind.

That: My son's life would have been less difficult if I had been more assertive when he was much younger (with my husband and with school authorities). I now know that my avpd played a part in that.

That: I let my son down yesterday when he asked for my support, I told him that I couldn't do it ( this particular type of support) because I was strugging with depression. Big big mistake. I asked his dad to do it for him. Now he won't confide in me for fear of upsetting me. Now my son knows that I am weak. When he makes bad decisions it hurts enormously (!) For the past 2 weeks I have been getting intrusive thought of harming my son, I have had other more serious thoughts about him in the past (!).

That: I am responsible for how others treat me because I have allowed it, enabled it. I know this one is true because both David and my T have said it.

David, I love my son dearly, he was the one of my 3 children that I bonded with instantly, I had pnd on the other 2.

(!) I am constantly thinking about people I know who have committed suicide and how they made the right decision(!)

Goose

[SweetSue]

Hey Goose,

Theres nothing like a mothers guilt, is there? Strangely enough it always kicks in, when were feeling crappy about other stuff.

I have 4 babies, you know that right, well i went through bouts of depression whilst i was pregnant with all of them. My children were born in close succesion of each other, my eldest was three and a half when my youngest was born. We were homeless at the time, living in women refuges all round this country. My children, thankfully were too young to understand what was happening, but i knew. At times all we owned were literally the clothes on our backs, and a toy for each of them. because i couldnt carry anymore than that. The life i had to put my children through. just to keep us safe, well it was harsh reality.

My children are normal happy kids (most of the time !) Baby was born with systic fybrosis

a very cruel illness. Poor thing, she is always in and out of hospital. I dont think its my fault that she has this, but it never stops me wondering , "what if" . and should i of done any thing different throughout my pregnancy. Thats what us momas do, we worry, The guilt, we feel it , big time. I think its only coz we care and love our children so much, and i believe its what most momas do, coz the love we have for our children wants to take there pain away.

The thoughts your having towards your son, do you think its because that maybe you are just so physically drained and emotionally exhausted that you are just at the end of your tether ? Goose they are thoughts, thats all, ok not very good thoughts granted, but you couldnt harm your son, from what i have learnt about you over the past few months, its just not in you to do that.

You need rest hun, you need to find some "you time" is there anyone that can help you on this, maybe get away for a couple of days, just you. Have some time to yourself, take some deep breaths (ok tons of deep breaths) and just chill.

How can you possibly be responsible for how others treat you ? It is there actions, you dont make them act in this way. Having said that i know where you are coming from, i struggle with not blameing myself for the things others do, for the way they treat me, constantly. So i guess i cant really offer advice on how to think differently on that one, but i diffenatley understand.

You know my sister killed herself 17 years ago, i 100% understand her reasons for needing to die, her life was very troubled. I always (well recently) have strong feelings of wanting to join her, needing to be with her. I miss her dearly. But some part of me keeps trying to fight, fight against my urges, i cave sometimes, sometimes i cave to far and get too close. I think theres still a part of me that just keeps plodding on, because reality is, no matter how harsh things are, no matter how bad things get, i am a moma, my children need me.

Goose ive told you this, in hope that in some round about way it will help you, help you realise that your not on your own, and that people care about you. We all care about you here, and i truely hope that you feel a little better soon.

Take care

Jj

[goose]

Thank you Jj for being so open with me.

You are dead right, I am just so so tired and weary. I haven't slept well this past week, the previous week I was sleeping too much. But the weariness does not go away it's deeper than that.

I know since I told my son (16) that I am feeling low at the moment, he has been very considerate to me, I have also told my husband. For the past few weeks only my T knew about this.

I know your are also struggling at the moment, please take care of yourself.

Goose

[Guest GingerSnap]

Goose: Have you looked up the side effects of the medications that you are taking on the internet. One thing I learned when I almost fell down a flight of stairs was that they don't tell you all the side effects at the pharmacy. I took an antibiotic that I learned had disabled and resulted in the death of at least one person. Make sure you know that the way you are feeling is not a result of your medication. I departed conventional medicine a long time ago. Another thing is quit looking for a reason that your son has ADHD because you will not find it - actually if you put your finger on the reason that it is so prevalent now, you could probably make a million since no one has the answer. The most likely answer is from all the chemicals in the food, water, clothing, and on and on. Our environment has become toxic - it is just a fact. My son has Down syndrome and he is adopted. After meeting many more parents, some who had adopted and some who were the natural parents, I saw a big difference. The parents that had adopted were better coping because they were not constantly beating themselves up about what they did to cause the condition and you could tell they had searched every minute since they were born to come up with something they had done to cause the condition. I had read volumes on Down syndrome and after probably at least a 100 years of searching, scientists had no idea - you hear over 40 years old is high risk but our son and most of the people I know, the birth mother was under 18 years old. Please don't blame yourself. I can tell from your post that you are a person with great compassion and I can tell you that it is hard these days to find people like that - we need you. Take care of yourself and make sure your meds are at the right level. We had severe behavioral problems with our son and I didn't think I would survive it but I did. Hang in there!

[goose]

Thank you Gingersnap for your reply. You did make a good point about natural v. adopted children. My sister has an adopted son also with adhd and she does not go through the turmoil I inflict on myself about its origin.

The medication I am on, I have been on for 3 years, I will certainly look in to the side effects.

You know 90% of the time my son's behaviour is fine (for a teenager), but that 10% when he gets frustrated and into a rage his behaviour is so bad.

I just hate this depression, it seems to be going on forever, I am making great progress in therapy with my social phobia. My lows, certainly with this bout of depression are so focused on my son, everytime I pick myself up something else happens and I get knocked back again. I just wonder how many times can a person motivate themselves to start again.

goose

[SweetSue]

Hey Goose,

Depression, such a little word, for the mass of feelings it brings !

You know ive lost count at how many times ive had to try and pick myself up from the gutter, and try and find the strength, just to make it through the day, you know there is probably no set amount of times your going to have to search for the motivatiion, but each time that you do, you will become a stronger person, and that one step closer to finding an end to the depression.

Thats what i try and tell myself anyway, maybe one day it will work.

Take care Goose

Jj

[mscat]

Hi goose,

i'd like to share some things with you. My son , he is 16 yrs old. When I became pregnant, I was still struggling with a bad eating disorder. I was only around 93 Lbs ! Not even on regular menstural cycles, I never knew that it could happen. I did have a one B/F the time. Anyway, I lived in shared homes and rented a room with a family.

Not excatly the greatest thing when finding out ones pregnant. My BF dropped me the same day I told him I was pregnant, he had stuff to tell me, so I first let him, then I told him, By the way I am pregnant.

I found out a couple of things while pregnant, I was underweight, I had clamaydia, and high levels of toxoplasmosis. The STD was treated , I decided to eat right, gained 65 LBS for a healthy baby, and when he was just born , was tested, he went straight to a specialist that shined bright lights in his newborn eyes, checking for damage, since I had high level of anther infection.

my son, well , he as always sick, ear infections, nose ran green snot all the time, he was so underweight that he was off the weight charts, for the first 3 years of his life he was ill. I had little support, and trying to raise him by myself!

By the time he was 2in a half my baby was already having behavirol problems. He could not talk, was extremely hyperactive, aggressive, and totally out of control.

By the time he hit 3yrs old, he started staring at his hands , and flicking his fingers close to his eyes, he loved to always either jump up and down, or spin hmself in circles, still extremley aggressive, hyperactive, and now behaving oddly. Still not talking, and only repeated what he heard. ASk him, do u want jucie, he say it back, not talking any other way. bythis time he was flapping his hands, and he had learned to walk on his toes as a baby that is how he learned to walk!

his in homedaycare provider was the one to approach me, about my child. telling me she thought he might have autism. I was pissed off, and absolutely terrified.

But , I did swing into action. He did have austim, somewhere , fitting in the spectrum.

The school also told me that he was slow, had cognitive delays as well. SHit , they say he is retarded! Again anther Blow.

Since the age of three n a half my child has been in all these special classess. he had to start taking medications at 4 yrs old, hs was so out of control!

Now he is 16. He is verbal , thakfully, and high functioning. Not very many days go by that In the back of my head , I blame myself for his disabling condtions. hOW CAN"T I ?

being underweight, having 2 illnessess, during pregnancy, even though one cleared up, and then the fact I have always raised him onmy own???

YES, I know what your going through!!! The what ifs, are always haunting me! my child, he is the center of my world, now he is a BIG BOY, and his body is changing into a young man. He behaves like a 8 yr old child, has no friends that ever come over to play with him.

the regional center wants to do a in deph evaluation coming up in November 6 . GREEEAT, brings up in me all kinds of guilt, confusion , sadness, and fear!

YES, I suffer from Major depression too, as well as a host of other conditions. OH GOD how am I to keep it together?

YES, I have had thought, evil thougts that my son would be better off , with other parents, or even had died. bringing him into this world, disabled , and the guilt , knowing that I was UNhealthy at the time of conception.

He has now a lifetime of disabilites. SHAME ON ME.

I feel for u , because the same is with me. HOW could I have LET this happen to a baby? How could I have brought a child into this world in the condition I was in?

The parents who raised me, they were against it, told me to abort, told me to give the baby up. I was not having it. NOW the same parents love my son like crazy. They don;t like me much, but love my child, all my family does. Thry treat me like shit, some won't even talk to me, ever. Just to my son. Fucking sucks !

Anyway, don't blame yourself ok? It is too easy to. I know this personally. Fight the urges to blame yourself, and the guilt, a mother feels is natural. I love my son so much I think it is because of the love we feel for our sons that it hurts so badly.

WE can give them what they need in order for them to be as successful in life as we can. By getting them the support services, and intervention , that will make them overcome, or at least help them continue to keep growing into the young men they are ment to be. WE are thei mothers, we have to stay strong for them.

Try to put some of our emotions, and feelings on the back burner, when we deal with our son's. Make certain they know we love and support them unconditionally and forever, no matter what life brings them.

mscat .

[goose]

Thanks mscat I really appreciate you sharing that with me.

You are right, it is because we love them so deeply that we hurt so much.

I really need to get a handle on my tendency to blow things out of preportion,

dealing with my son has thrown me into the limelight - something that is very difficult for me because of my avoidant personality disorder.

thank you for your kind words

Goose

[mscat]

Thanks mscat I really appreciate you sharing that with me.

You are right, it is because we love them so deeply that we hurt so much.

I really need to get a handle on my tendency to blow things out of preportion,

dealing with my son has thrown me into the limelight - something that is very difficult for me because of my avoidant personality disorder.

thank you for your kind words

Goose

Yep, APD, than struggling to be their for our sons. Gosh a total blow to our self esteem, and so many more feelings of self blame creep up to make us feel even more depressed. It is the hopeless feeling and the what if's that are forever in our thoughts and minds.

I don't have a dianoses of APD, yet, I am one to stay in my home 99.9 % of the time. Every time I have to , forced to leave the safety of my home, it is total chaos. Stress filled anxiety, and I truely despise going past my balcony.

Way too much nosie, sounds, light, all completely stresses me out. Lately it has not helped that the fact I have to go out, the experiences have been unpleasnt ! negative, and it is zone out for me! I space out and disconnect from everything that is around me, just to cope.

It is scary, and so bad. But I have to, forced to , do things on the outside , and I hate it.

We have to be stong for our boys, that is what our ultimate goal is . this is what I try to do for myself. It is for my child, my son that I HAVE TO do these things, that scare me half to death.