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Turning over a page, to start a new Chapter


SweetSue
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I DONT KNOW, OK ..................

I am just so frustrated at having to try so darn hard to be normal, when other people seem to manage it every single day, without even trying.

Im embarrased now, so thats why this has been edited

Edited by SweetSue
coz i dont know !!!!
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Guest ASchwartz

Hi JJ,

I did not get to see what your wrote before you did the editing (I always miss the good stuff :) ).

I am not sure of what you mean when you say that you try so hard to be normal? Can you explain?

I am asking because, in certain important ways, being "normal" is not necessarily the greatest thing in the world. Of course, I guess you want to feel calm and not have hallucinations or depression. But, that is why I wish you could explain what you mean by "normal?"

You see, its important not to stifle a person from being creative. Some of our greatest poets, artists, architects, composers and scientists were not "normal."

So, what do you mean??

Allan :)

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I think it's important that I reveal a deeply personal secret of mine:

I'm not "normal". :-)

By that, I mean, I'm just me. I'm not part of a sample, to be measured on a single parameter, be it height, or girth, or IQ. I'm different from anyone else, but a lot like most people. I can be silly, serious, animated or relaxed. I can be talkative or quiet, lonely or content, happy or sad, depressed or excited.

I'm guessing you're just like me, only different. Quit trying to be something other than just you.

Edited by malign
Left out an "a".
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I DONT KNOW, OK ..................

I am just so frustrated at having to try so darn hard to be normal, when other people seem to manage it every single day, without even trying.

Im embarrased now, so thats why this has been edited

IMO , the word "normal" is an abstract word> it means boring, and not unquie . Somthing that fits neatly into a mold. BORING.... It is better to be who you are Sue, forget about everybody else for a moment. Because all those seemingly "normal" folks have struggles, faults, hardships, pain, and suffering. Maybe, just maybe those precieved nomal folks can hide it better than someone who has a "label" This is anthe r reason why I hate labels, it makes people feel less than . however, you are not, you are you , and a caring, compassionent woman with lots to give, and certainly deserve to recieve .

You are ok, and will be ok , and know that you are ok. Maybe your trying to hard? or being hard on yourself. You are who you are, and this is perfect.

CAthy

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Thank you, Sue. You are very brave.

I don't see anything to be ashamed of. You can choose to change things without needing to feel shame. The "person who allowed all the stuff to happen in the first place" probably was very young, and had no resources to do anything differently. Please don't be too hard on her.

Maybe over time you'll feel up to sharing some of the actual things that happened to you, though of course, you don't have to. It depends on what you think will help you.

I think there are a lot of "everyday normal" people who could learn a lot about courage from your story.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi JJ,

I agree with Finding, there is nothing like a walk in the park, among nature because it reminds us of life and hope, regardless of how upsetting our problems are. Thanks Finding.:)

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Hi Sue,

I admire your bravery, and honesty. I know how difficult the road is to recovery. ANd it can not start until you are ready to put forth the effort , and try. Being honest with the hospital staff and working on your recovery plan is awesome. The struggles, and emotions are real, real to you , and your feelings are every important. I believe people use ways of coping to get through bad experiences , and the more trauma one faces , the more ways we have to find to survive. you had found your own creative ways of keeping yourself safe and to cope. That is human nature.

now, your at a turning point, ready to go to the next phase of recovery, which I admire . Because I know that this is extremely difficult for you, and now you are ready to put one foot forward , one step at a time.

you will be an inspiration , and will overcome these horrors from your past. YES, it does have an impact on our lives and how we choose to continue , afterwards. Trauma , has a way of grabbing a hold og a person , and then the person has to figure out how to survive, cope, and endure longlasting effects .

Getting out on the hospital grounds is a great step in recovery. Focus on the sky, birds singing, trees, and the outside smells of the clean air. I too believe that nature is a way to heal. It is pure , and beautiful to be outside.

I too have a difficult time not being inside my safe home. I will, however venture out on the balcony , smoke, look out towards the sky , and hear the birds. I have a huge problem with noises and just being around people, their sounds, and groups, I tend to disconnnect from what is going on around me. That is how i cope . I go numb, and can't remember anything. Or sometimes , a panic attack takes over, and I have to try so much harder. Take deep breaths , sometimes It feels like I hold my breath!!! Deep breaths will calm you and it feels good , and will help you try to relax when your outside.

You mentioned that you have some scars , and hate the looks. I can idenify with this, because it happens to me everyday. I am totally scarred up on both arms, filled with burns, severe burns, severe scars.

What I finally did , was to get tattoos. LOL, hoping that this would be a distraction from those onlookers. Look at the tattoos, not the scars, GOD fucking DAMIT, that is waht I always think .

Some stupid idiots , strangers have the balls to ask me still about my arms, were u in an acciedent? i always say YES, and leave it to that. It annoys the hell out of me.

I feel for u , eventually, I never look at others, in hopes they mind their own fucking buisness, SO sorry It angers me , that the outside people , who do not know shit, have to ask stupid questions .

Best thing to do , is ignore the looks, and try not to look at them, cause when u do, it is like an invatation for the people to approach and start talking.

I am so sorry , it is difficult to give sound, positive advice, when I am dealing with the same thing as you are.

Just know you are a SURVIVOR , and I believe in you . Take small steps forward , and keep reaching for the goals you have to get well.

A few more weeks , you might be home, and still need to be strong , working on yourself. SO eventually you will regain your children back, and or have a lot more time with them. Your their mommy, and nothing ever can change this.

I use to dream about my real mom as a little girl . I know how important moms are to children. They love you, and want you to come home.

cathy

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You know, I could be hopelessly naive (I tend to think it's part of my charm), but if a child asked you about the scars on your face, couldn't you say, "A very bad man tried to hurt me once, but I helped make sure he went to prison for a long time so that he wouldn't hurt someone else."

I would say those should be a source of pride, if you bother to remember them at all.

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Scars on the face is impossible to hide , however, i think you have to remember that you were a victim of a serious assasult. you believe you are offending others by the scars. it is human nature for people to be curious. Especially children.

Perhaps you can think of some replies that you can use when people ask you about the scars? Something that you feel comfortable about saying. Something easy , and simple to answer. You dont have to say anything that makes it hard for u.

A simple "I was in an Accident" or something to this nature may help? this was out of your control, ot your fault at all.

Anther suggestion is that maybe plastic surgery could help you feel better about yourself? Scar removal ? I don't want to have u feel like you have to be hding from others, or so upset about the scars on your face that you can't go outside or enjoy life anymore.

Maybe even some coverup makeup could help lighten up the scars? Make them less noticeable?

I am more concerned about how the scars affect you, and feelings towards yourself.

I am positive thatyou are not ugly , or disgusting !!!! but this is the way u are feeling . Somehow, their has to be a way to help you feel better about the scars, so u do not have to feel like u need to hide yourself away from the world.

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