Personality change, is it my BPD, or was I always a "B"

[SweetSue]

I have noticed in myself recently that, well, Im becoming very heartless and bad tempered and grumpy in my thoughts and outlook on the world, and certain people in it.

Normally, Im very quiet and try to be pleasant to everyone, I would put myself out for others, put them and there feelings first, try my best to be nice even when people are unkind.

But of late, I just think blow it. Whats the point. I am what I am. What Im becoming, isnt really all that nice. Think maybe I am just so past caring anymore, what people say to or about myself. Who cares attitude. If the world and its inhabitants dont care, then why on earth should I give a monkeys.

I dont know maybe I have always been this sort of hostile person, just that the meds have kicked in and are finally doing there job. Could it be that I have always been this way, and I was the only person that couldnt see it ?

[malign]

Gah, Sue, no one can be happy and nice to everyone. Not if they have any stress in their lives, or if they ever come down off an herbal high.

Everybody gets angry sometimes. Much of that time, the person that they get angry at deserves it. The only question is how to express that anger.

You've spent a lifetime repressing anger. Anger that really should have come out, at the people it was aimed at, instead of turning inward against yourself. There's nothing "B" about letting that happen.

My guess is, you're still adjusting to a middle point, and you're still one of the nicest people I know.

[SweetSue]

Hey Mark,

OK, now Im showing just how thick I am, I dont care though.

What the heck is a herbal high ? Is it to do with drugs or something coz Ive never done anything like that.

Ok, kinda get stressed , just a little.

But my whole attitude is rapidly zooming past, and Im not so sure I want it back. Im so sick of people taking the blatent "P" out of me. And normally I let them, and dont do anything about it. Now its like Im at the complete other end of the spectrum, and its not even bothering me. Surely it should just a little, Im now going against everything I ever stood for, just throwing it away. Im becoming so mean, and Im letting mysellf be like this. And I dont feel guilty or any remorse for it.

I just really do think blow them all, nothing matters now anyway.

I may aswell just let me be me. I dont know if this is always how I have been, but Im not nice now, and I dont think I even care.

Maybe it is part of adjusting, I always have difficulty when things change suddenly, but like, how much more adjusting is there. I think, im just gonna explode.

[malign]

Yeah, I was joking that only people who were high could always be happy, and no, I've never been high, either. :-)

It's good to notice your mood swinging, but not to blame yourself for a passing mood. I'm sure it'll sort itself out. And I don't think you need to feel a ton(ne) of remorse.

[SweetSue]

Oh I dont feel any remorse at all. I have had enough of welll everything. and now I dont care who I hurt in speaking my mind, OK, I cant actually speak, but heck Im working on it.

Perhaps I am just angry, dont know. maybe it is a mood swing. in which case, I will no doubt be making endless appologies to my so called p/doc and anyone else that has upset or got to me recently. Dont know.

Probably always been like this, just never allowed myself to be before now.

[malign]

You're you, Sue.

Whatever you end up being, it won't be wrong.

That doesn't mean you'll be right about everything, no one is, but I'm the complete opposite of the voices: I know that you're a good person, and I'm telling you.

[SweetSue]

Is it that obvious the voices are misbehaving again, they have a point though. and they do make so much more sense of things than I ever have.

It dosnt matter what kind of person I am or that I become, it dosnt change who I am or the way I feel. things happen, I let them. so what does it matter if I say blow the lot of them that get to me. or anyone else for that matter who wants to get to me. Being nice, is immaterial, it dont change things, it dont make things easier in any way, so why should I even worry now that Im grumpy and mean, at the end of the day, it wont stop anything from happening either.

thanks for helping, but I really think that maybe I am just evil.

[malign]

Yes, my friend, it is obvious.

Especially with that last line.

Please, Sue, consider that trip back to the hospital.

Getting angry is not evil at all. Some of the ways people express anger may be ... well, undesirable, but the anger is completely normal.

Of course it matters who you become. It may change nothing external to you, but you'll always know, always be able to choose who you want to be. Most importantly, you'll never be able to hide what you decide; it'll show, no matter what.

[SweetSue]

Hu huh,

Reconsider going back to the hospital, after what I emailed the p/doc earlier, yep thats soo going to happen. Any way I've just came out of a stretch in there. what can they possibly do this time ?

It dosnt matter. Im just evil that is all there is to it. I dont need any p/doc to tell me that. Its blatently obvious. My voices are right. so fllipping right, and I dont even care right now. why should I ?

Im angry but not with anyone inpaticular, mostly myself. its not the anger anyway thats the problem, its the fact that my attitude is becoming very mean, and I cant stop it, or even want to stop it. Even before with the evil flowing through my viens I always wanted to be nice to others. Now it feels like its me and I am it. Hard to explain.

Just need to sort it I guess

[malign]

Sue,

If your Pdoc has never had a patient call him names before, he just got out of school yesterday.

But the way you're talking right now is the scariest I've ever heard you, hon, and if you remember, I was with you the night you first went to the hospital.

Don't tell me the voices are right, please.

Or tell me to moo off. But as your friend, I think you need help.

[SweetSue]

yeah, well kinda cancelled my appointment with him today, coz well as I put it in the email "Im sick in the head" he obviously was not best pleased with my response and told me he was only trying to help me get well. that just wound me up further, so i emailed him right on back and actually told him to "moo off" in my mind he deserved it coz well I dont want anything to do with hospitals ever again. I HATE THEM. and suprisingly so do my voices,, they have different ideas on that score.

Im not being scarey, this is how I am , I cant shift it and not sure really that I should.

Cant really remember much about that first night, but thankyou for helping me through it, my voices were really scarey that night, but Im ok tonight coz my voices arent scareing me, there my friends and are helping me. It just took me ages to realise it , thats all. they feel like there right. I am evil

Thanks for being my friend Mark, I would never tell you to "moo off" thats reseerved for people that deserve it. The cows of the world.

Edited October 29, 2009 by SweetSue

[malign]

What do the voices tell you about ever getting your kids back, if you harm yourself now?

[IrmaJean]

JJ, where are you right now? At home? Maybe find a quiet place to gather yourself? Are you on medications? Have been taking them? I hope that you're okay.

[SweetSue]

Nothing, my kids dont really come into it other than the obvious with them. they are right though. you know what they say, and they are so flipping right.

see not even my kids are snapping me out of this. Ive tried that, been in there rooms, stared into their photos, nothing is getting into the part of me that cares. The voices are just playing up, and I just happen to agree with them. Nothing major really

I already said im grumpy, and Im evil lately, and that I dont care, coz I cant stop the way I feel.

[IrmaJean]

Sue, take a deep breath and please call your doctor. As your friend, I'm concerned for you. You don't sound like yourself.

[malign]

But I think you do care, my friend.

You're trying things to change your mood; they're just not working right now.

You're still here, still trying to be nice to us, your friends.

You've gone to the kids' rooms, because you know there's something wrong with the way you're thinking right now. You know there's something wrong if you're agreeing with the voices.

So what you have to do is decide to help yourself.

Please call someone.

[SweetSue]

yep, if I email the crisis team they are going to be harsh with me coz I aint allowed them into my house today, they will just make me go into hospital and quite frankly I really dont want to end up there again.

I hate hospitals.

Things will be ok, I just have to ride this out, in my own way. I dont want to be rude to anyone, thats why I cant see them, its hard enough being polite via email, even then I couldnt stop myself being mean.

And that would really make my voices even angrier anyway, I just have to do as they say and then they will stop and the evil can just GO. Im not suicidal. just have to do what they say. Its cool.

Ive said too much, look I am trying to help myself Mark ok. Im actually doing pretty good considering how grumpy I am. It will be ok.

[malign]

I know you're trying your best, Sue.

Are you sure it's enough?

It's your life; you have to figure out how to get through, on your own.

I'm just worried about you, that's all.

[SweetSue]

Oh, I dont know if its enough but its all I can do Im getting pretty close to caving again, but Im just about managing to stay the right side of the line, although that line is getting a little blurry.

I dont really know what to do, I just cant handle it when the evil takes over this much. I just want to blow everything and "F" them all coz Ive had enough.

[malign]

Just don't "F" yourself in the process, sweety.

I'm pulling for you.

[SweetSue]

I might have to give in and email the c/p/team. Coz I think I might "F" myself in this process, its never enough it seems with these flipping voices. geez, I am just as bad as them, probably why they makes so much sense there evil, Im evil, there me and Im me. Just sheer evil

[malign]

No, Sue, quite the reverse: you're completely different from them, and that's why you need help to get rid of them once and for all.

[SweetSue]

Maybe, well youre always right, and you have always been nice to me everyone here has, and you guys are the only people I trust, I kinda know I need help, but there telling me not too, and there kinda winning at mo, ok this dont make sense. you know when people have been telling me to do stuff or not do stuff lately i kinda do the reverse , coz well they have the power of me, when i dont want them to. but its kinda hard to ignore them when they are so loud. Maybe thats why Im so grumpy and bad tempered or just this is me now evil, I dont know. Hoping I can just fight enough to hit the send button on the emails instead of delete. I will get there I kinda have to know. just hope its soon before I end up trashing everything like last time....

[Jetliner]

..........

Edited November 1, 2010 by Jetliner
..........

[SweetSue]

Saw, p/doc etc..........

They advise me to stay in. Never gonna happen. Got to stay here till I see p/doc again in a bit, till then they are just keeping a eye on me. huh.

Dont know why, they need me here. Its not like they havnt enough patients. Still feeling crap, but dma it. Nothing can change facts so I figure blow it.

This is just me now. How I am, theres no meds for that, and dont think I want or need to change anyway. Im just evil now.