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Just Forget Him ~ Yaeh, Right ~ I Wish


SweetSue
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Guest GingerSnap

Jj: Respectively disagreeing on your reason for edit. You didn't "chicken out", you maybe just aren't ready. But by golly, look how close you got. For those that don't post, they have no idea how hard it is to just put one's problems out there. You have to look at them and face them in a way that you haven't before. I'll be thinking of you and I'll be here when you are ready to maybe not offer a solution but to give you what support that I can. Thinking of you and hoping you are having a good day, better day - well, improved day. Cathy:)

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This ia really very difficult to share, I was "attacked", some time ago,and well in short I just cant forget about what happened. Im really struggling to get his voice out of my head, and its overwhelming me.

I feel stupid really, such a cry baby. I should just get over it all already. I mean it happened ages ago, its been months now (i think) Even went to court and he is in prison now.

Just have to accept. move on, and deal. Not that simple when there is a constant reminder, every time I look in a mirror, or manage to fall asleep.

He installed a new fear, different somhow to the other fear that I carried around.

Degrading, humiliating, disgusting and totally makes me sick to my stomache.

Its happened, now its my past. Silence remains, and inner evil has found a host in me.

I wish it was as simple as go to court, get justice served, and move on.............;)

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Guest GingerSnap

Sue: No, it is not simple to just go on after something like that happens. Like I mentioned before, I think the anger you feel may relate to the "evil" you think resides in you - when I was at the height of my anger with my husband, I would hear the train, know he was coming home and hope it hit him or maybe imagine hacking his heart out (if he had one) and putting it on the end of a stick and putting it in the yard, or harpooning him. I do not mean that as humor either. Now, you think you are evil? Well, that anger subsided but if I were to have held onto that... In healing protocol, you have to let go of the anger - well, that is easier said then done. I'm wondering if when you let go of the anger, well, maybe more put it in its right place if the voices won't stop. You were not responsible for being a victim of this person. This sounds like a very bad person and you got him off the streets so he didn't do this to anyone else. It stopped with you. You had to have been strong to do that. So, finish putting it to rest - let someone help you let the anger out and I think the voices and evil will go with it? I just really think you are close now.

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You know my emotions are up the creek, I keep switching from being really angry with myself for allowing things to happen, to being really embarrased and wishing I was invisible and that I just dont exist. Which is soo very selfish of me. I dont know I think Ive just had enough already. Need to remind myself that life and time moves on with or without me, and that whatever I decide to do is well my choice and down to me at the end of the day if I can hack it long enough for things to make sense again. Or if its even possible to. Have to find some kind of perspective just not sure how. This whole situation i find myself in is crazy and Im going crazy, its just so insane. I need to know what to do, and that has to comme from me, but im just so confussed about everything, and its hard so very hard to see any light in this darkness

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Guest GingerSnap

Ultimately, the answer will come from you on what you need to do but I am sure the staff there can direct you. Sadly, your situation is too common these days and I am sure they have "walked" others through on the journey back. That you continue to fight your way back shows incredible strength and I know that sometimes you are torn back and forth but that is, sadly, how the "fight" goes, I think.

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Hi Sue,

I read your post before you deleted it and then returned and find that you've found your voice. I can't tell you how close what you say is to who and what I am, and what I've experienced.

At my wife's behest, I began writing my life story (very slowly), as best as I could recall. I'm only in the first few years of my life, which were the hardest since we lived under a violent dictatorship. It is amazing to me how I float between having powerful, highly detailed and exacting memories from 50 years ago and then to having years of no memories.

I remember with such detail and have frequent nightmares... the horror of it all, if I take the time to emotionally connect to it, is immobilizing and there's nothing I can do to rinse those memories out of my system. It's as if every cell remembers, every fiber and every neurotransmitter that crosses the synaptic cleft carries with it a certain smell, taste, touch, visual sensation or feeling. Over the decades I've learned to see it with a certain dispassion and disconnect, but then are those rare days when certain images on TV, or conversations with my family, bring me back and then there is this reciprocation between then and now and now and then... and the surge of pain surfaces.

I remember in therapy, at around age 25-28, my therapist saying to me that I was the absolute angriest, most damaged and most intense person he had seen in a long time. My stories so disturbed him and others who followed for years, that I felt as if there was an evil inside. I felt possessed by these memories and every retelling further dug the channel into my brain.

I talk about this sometimes and sometimes I tear at the scar tissue and bleed a little. Sue, there are no easy answers, I can't tell you I'm cured or that this goes away. I really don't have a solution since I'm still haunted by my childhood, at times. My wife says I'm haunted by it more at night, while asleep, than I know-- and haunted by it more than I'll admit. I can say this though with all honesty-- if I had to relive my life, I would not take any of this away, I would relive it as it was for it has made me who I am.

Gnostic stories tell us that the soul yearns for it's own home and it's journey is a drifting at sea and a slow floating homeward. There is no evolution to perfection. I always imagine prudence and rationality or "sanity" as the antipode to fully living and a passion for life... a pale and sterile comparison, an anxiety that keeps us at a distance from the very blood of our soul. I have come to a place where I protect my symptoms b/c they are the raw material from which I've crafted this personality and way of life. They are the most basic material in lifelong refinement and a lifetime of working on this painful experience is preferable to me than living a life that is psychologically hygenic.

Hopefully this long winded ramble makes sense.

David

Edited by David O
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Hi cathy,

thankyou for helping me through this, i must admit i am really struggling. so seriously hun thankyou for your words of kindness :D

i get so caught up in emotions lately, not sure if any of what i write makes sense.

so thanks for all the time you spend in helping me, its apprieciated

take care

sue

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David,

I wasnt going to say anything out here in public in response to your post, but.....

(always a but)

I kinda feel I need to, you see some of the things you mentioned kinda make sense, to me . OK, now I dont know how to put this into words, but Im gonna try before I chicken out again. geez I hope you can understand me when I get all womblefied. you may have to search for the point ok. Im a bit messed at mo.

The "night mares" you describe them very well. The sensations that they bring, everysense in me gets intensified, feeling, sound, the fear it truely is like being back there, especially the dreams of my childhood. im there again, same eyes same age, flip same damn everything, its terrifying. Its why I fight sleeping so damn much. I hate them, doubt they will ever go away so dissorientating, so real. I forget where I am when I do eventually wake up. My ex Husband, well it used to drive him insane with worry, coz he could never bring me round. no one could. He was a cool hubby actually helped me through the early years of my ptsd. and the 2 years of hospitalization.

Flashbacks , leave me more or less in the same way, they had calmed down loads through my twenties, but heck there back with a vengence, except these days, there more about my kids papa or HIM, the SOB that attacked me. Stupid things set me off, and I really do mean stupid things aswell. I tend to avoid tv, coz well, you never know. certain sounds, specific noises, geez and if one of the other patients decide to kick off and i hear, im finished.

David Im sorry that you had felt evil inside, I can relate to that feeling , kinda obviously, thats all I seem to go on about thesee days. But I really do feel like I am evil, its not trapped inside me anymore , it is me. Does that make sense. God I hope it makes sense to someone somewhere, coz the docs here say its not possible and thats making me feel worse.

I guess to some degree or other I am always going to have these problems, but I sure as heck pray that they calm down soon, coz seriously Im loosing the plot more and more recently. Geez now Im waffleing on and have forgotten what it was I was going to say to you, well blow it, too confussed now, I will post this, hope I havnt said anything out of order, and probably hit the edit button later, when I chicken out again.

Just wanted to say thanks for all your kindness David and your on going support, its nice to feel that maybe im not quite as alone as I feel so thanks

take care

sue

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OK, POSSIBLE "TRIGGER"

Ok, damn it . Like I dont know what Im even doing back on this thread right now, think Im just think typing till I calm down. I am so never gonna sleep again, ever (till next time my body caves).My head is just rushing right now and well gotta wait for the meds to kick in.

Got to get him out of my stupid head and I wish that my brain cell would wake up already and put things where they should be. keep hearing things, things he told me to say like megga loud, too frigging loud, Im sure it wasnt that loud at the time but, god why cant he just shut up already.

Im never gonna give that SOB the f'ing satisfaction of ever saying that stuff out loud , like NEVER. Dirty, yuk, like really gross. so repulsive , so just SO URGH, Im mad like really angry right now. I want to flipping scream and never stop screaming till it goes away. cept ofcourse I cant coz like thee dumb flipping womble that I am dont speak anymore, cant speak, never gonna speak ever again. Dont even think I want to , coz if I do speak then he will win, he will get that last final piece of me. than, well then thats when I know that I have really lost, and have no self respect or dignity left at all. thats when I truely become nothing. At least this way i am just evil, sheer flipping evil, but atleast its something, surely thats better than a nothing. Isnt it ?

Why didnt I do something, anything, fought harder, instead of just switching off at thhat certain point and just, oh I dont know, freezing, could see what was going on, geez could deffinately feel the pain, so why didnt I scream at the top of my flipping voice. I should have screamed, and never stopped screaming till someone, anyone heard me. I could of saved myself some of what happened. So why the heck didnt I ? Well sue, like what the heck was I playing at. Then, well then I just passed out became unconcious. Like how totally stupid was that of me, should of stayed with it. geez if theres one thing my childhood taught me it was to just do as I was told, coz well "or else" always came into play. I know what that "or else " always meant. So why did I not just comply this time. Could of saved my self so much pain.

What the heck did I think I was doing, stupid, stupid girl. And now, geez now I seem content in carrying on with his torture by re living over and over in my head the things that i do remember. Cant I just stop already , shit sue just STOP.

And now, now is then, and then is now, and its just all so mixed, present and past, all the time I go on like this, well I dont hold out much hope for my future. Like what future. SOB I really truely hope that you rott in that prison cell, and that you NEVER EVER EVER get the oppertunity to do this again. You are sick, you are evil and DAMN you for making me as evil as I am. OK. Im not giving you all the credit for the amount of evil i am, others have played there part over the years too. but SOB, you certainly have pushed me well and truely over the edge. SCREW YOU !!!!!!!!!! :mad:

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Sue NO ONE is equipped to handle being overpowered like this:(:rolleyes::(. We are human beings, and we break. We stand with you in this courageous act of writing what happened. We stand with you, doing the best we can, as you are doing the best you can to pick up these pieces and put them back together. When you are tempted to hate you for "letting" it happen, we are here to remind you with our tears (:()that it was never your fault, and with our friendship lead you back to you, from your place of hating you, just like you do for us again and again. Sue you are such a dear, special one. I am so sorry you were not protected. I am so sorry you have this work and this healing to do. You give others courage every day. I hope you can feel our support for you too, in this painful, painful place.

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Things are just, oh I dont know kinda intense right now. my thoughts are whirling so flipping fast, and its like im not stopping long enough to catch my breath or something coz the thoughts arent staying long enough in one place for me to work out what the heck im meant to do with them, before they move on and go to something that I know I shouldnt be doing, ok that dont make sense I dont even think I know what Im doing here at mo. Best I go I think.:mad:

Oh before I forget completely, sorry about my earlier posts on this thread if it has upset anyone then well I will edit them out ok.

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Guest GingerSnap

Sue: Don't you edit or delete any of those posts in this thread because I said so. Why should you listen to me? I have no idea! I hate the word "stupid" and never use it, I don't even understand that word. Surely, someone must have explained to you about how the mind goes into its own mode when something horrible happens? My gosh, dear, you had to be in shock and that is why you froze and for no other reason. This was not your fault. If a large man holds me down today and attacks me today and I just freeze in shock and don't fight back, is it partly my fault that the man did this to me. Are you going to say, "Well, Cathy since you didn't fight him back it is partly your fault" and when I can't forget what he did are you going to say "Cathy, if you weren't so stupid and evil, you could just forget about it." I am guessing I would have frozen just like you and have a hard time letting it go, just like you. And just like you, I would want to rid myself of this and let it go so he wouldn't still be making me his victim. I have no definition for stupid that makes sense to me. I have a definition for "evil" and that is someone without a soul and you, my dear, definitely have a soul and a darn good one and that's the truth! Can you hear me pounding on the table as I am saying this to you?:rolleyes: Hope you have a good day and never be sorry for expressing yourself. Cathy:)

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Think he is always gonna be in me, do you know, it is crazy coz like if I read this thread, instead of being the person that wrote it, I would probably see things completely differently. Possibly of said more or less the same things as you have (thanks by the way). But I find it impossible to think like that when it comes to myself. You see coz like I am convinced he is never going to leave my head, his voice never going to stop screeching at me, and sadly always going to be there waiting for me to sleep. Just one more thing that is going to forever haunt me in one way or another. Makes me feel so sick, so dirty and just gross and urgh there just isnt the words really. I just really feel like scrubbing myself in bleach, but that wouldnt be strong enough to get rid of all the germs that I feel, and its not strong enough to make me feel clean again. Oh I dont know, just really want to be able to forget the SOB but dont think I ever will. Someone told me once that I would never be able to to come to terms with things unless I accept what has happened to me, and that I will never be able to forget unless I learn to forgive. At the moment it is just impossible for me to do any of those things. Its just sheer MADNESS and it is driving me to INSANITY and beyond.

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  • 2 weeks later...

please take no notice of what im about to try and type, thanks

SOB, you stole my voice from me in the earlyhours of that am, and now im fighting against giving up and allowing you to take from me my written words.

You are making it so v.difficult. But my own self is making it worse coz, now a big part of me is saying you've won.

I promised myself, that I would never say the things SOB wanted me to say, but on ffriday I caved and wrote some of it down whilst in therapy, and well now my voices are going hell for leather at me. Its a battle now just to type.

Hes kinda won now, the last of my respect is gone, he didnt take it when he attacked me, I gave him the last of the dignity and respect I had left in me and that just sucks.

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Sue we stand with you, right beside you. You feel overtaken again but it isn't the entire truth, it is a feeling. Anyone who'd been through what you've been through would have despair. He did not take your dignity, your dignity is still very much alive, and we are here as your friends guarding it with our friendship and he cannot possibly take that away. I am so sorry for your pain.:D:(:)

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  • 1 month later...

Well, still struggling to forget Richard (SOB) Im brave enough to use his name these days. Still getting the nightmares of what happened, and the flashbacks, and unfortunately still hear his words, his voice whittling away in my head. in many ways still trying to forget him, and get over the things he did. But, I'm begining to accept the fact that it was his sick ways that this happened, it was him that could not control himself the night he attacked me, the night he raped me, the night he stole from me which was not his and was not on offer. It was not my fault, I could not of done anything differently, ok so I passed out, became unconcious, but thats ok, Im grateful to my body for protecting me from the full horrors of what happened.

Anyway the real breakthrough, for me, is well i spoke tonight, for the first time since my attack, i spoke. Like real proper words. Im still in shock, still feel a little scared, and believe me if i coulda chose the words I said out loud, I think I could of atleast said something repeatable. So I think I am starting to get over Richard. im on the road to recovery.

Thankyou for reading this waffle of mine :D

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