I am back

[mscat]

I have been in a medical hospital in the critical care unit for nearly 6weeks due to an extreme for of self harm . each time afterwards, even when healing I always began to wander what in the world was I thinking? and how could I done such a thing?

this is where I am at now . No I do not feel stupid for doing to act , just how could I ? this is painful , and even after 3 surgries later + more healing time with always the threat of infeaction never too far away, as to was it worth it?

I shake my head to this obvious question , but have no answers to. Still struggling to even walk from mt bed to the couch, to the table is a huge chalenge.

but , I am home. No more hospital , nurses, and such . This is something to be celbrated .

mscat

[SweetSue]

Welcome back cathy

Missed ya hun. Hope that your recovery is as fast and painless as possible.

Im very pleased that you are home, and back to your family and your beautiful dogs

Its brill to hear from you hun

take care

sue

[mscat]

thanks for the kind response , Sue. That means so much to me. Thinking of not doing this SI anymore, because it is more painful, espe. the recovery period, with very little support , and then coming out , being a mother again , reality hits back hard . It is nOT the reality I want to live. Other options are entering my head, the to SI anymore.

To put the body the body through that extreme, no more, rather just die insdead, pretty stupid not to .

Extreme SI for this long , in for a world a hurt and pain, scars , then just to consider other easier , faster , ways of goin once and for all. Seems a lot better then major SI, to me for now.

things do ot get beter by maiming myself time and time again , their is a more final alternative , that certainly does not cause the body this much pain , to die, is relief, to SH is to continue to try to cope , for what?

sersiously questioning a better way, final way , hell , next time , it would make more sense.

better put in here off of meds right now , only meds are pain meds , so thngs are just BAD emotionally .

[SweetSue]

Hey cathy,

Geez, hun it sounds awfully difficult for you right now. Is there anyone that can help you with the practical side of things whilst you are recovering ?

Im pleased (extremley) that you are feeling that s/i just isnt worth it. However theres got to be a better way than suicide, as an answer to ending all the emotional and physical pain. Is there anything that you can do that you maybe enjoy (even a little). Maybe watch a film, or try read a book, (ok reading probably out the question, if your concentration levels are low) how about listening to music, maybe that will lift you spirits a little.

Any way cathy, please dont give up trying, we missed you while you were away, you have a lot of friends here that care about you.

Talk to us ? (it might help you to work things out).

Take care

sue

[mscat]

All I do is watch TV right now.... can't do much of anything else . I am calling my therapist , and I got to get back on the psych meds too. CAN't die , although the temptation is great , their is no possibility because of my son. Leaving him in such a cruel world as of this one , is hardly what a mother would ever do to her child, that I just can't do . For the love of my son , not a chance . not my boy , he has autism , he needs me, I can't even be there right now , for him well , but time does heal wounds , at leat the physical ones.

I need to change focus here , have a new focus then self destruction being that of my "motto" a sick motto to live by. the SI is not helping, something else has to help , a kinder gentler alternative.

perhaps training my little shih tzu as a therapy dog ??? she is gentle , sweet and a little love bug. take her to the nursing home my father died in for starters >

I like to train my girls to do therapy work, they are ment to be service animals for us , I know my shih tzu has the right temperment . the yorkie does , she just is a little hyper, and this will impede her performance though. she loves people just one that is too hyper though.

Miely , would be perfect though, she is a total lap dog. a real doll baby. She is 7 months . Perfect age to began working with her. Miely has sat on my friends lap before who is elderly , Miely is so calm . Shih tzu 's are extremely good natured little dogs.

[malign]

I think it's a great idea to try to train your dogs as therapy dogs, Cathy. It will give you something to focus on that benefits the world.

Please try to take the psych meds. Whatever their problems, at least you have a chance of feeling a little better, that way.

And, well, you know where to find us if you need.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Mscat,

I know that you idea is terrific. Training you dogs to be therapy dogs will help you, your son, and allow you to bring them to nursing homes, etc, to help other people. That will get your mind off of your self and wanting to self injure.

Allan:)

[mscat]

thank you for the support. As much as I like to give up , especially now. Because of the major self injury that I am trying to recover from , their is is knawing need to turn this all into something positive.

Here i am feeling as though I am in ruined , although their is a inner peace that i pulled within , thinking that i could help others by the comfort of my beloved dogs , helps keep just enough spark , to go on .

For many years I have self destructed. Turned all the anger, and fear against myself , so badly that i have come to realise their needs to be something else .

i have a small gold mine of treasures at home , why not work with them so they can bring relief or a smile to children like my son , and those i have seen suffer horrible physical pain , and that of loniliness?

i discussed my plans over with the surgeon , who has had to operate numerous times on me . my surgeon , he is not only a professional with skills not many of us have , but a very nice man .. he took the time removing staples out of my skin yesterday , many staples. gosh , this dr. he is not superhuman , just a real person , who listened to my goals .

i woke up , just a little more from this experience, i am searching for the heart of people this christmas.

something bigger then a gift, but the actual soul of human nature. could a professional really take the time to do a job like this one, especially on somebody like me , and still show compassion ? he most certainly did . i have been a reacurring patient of his for years , i was indenified as ms . ..... the top surgeon , teaching the other staff working on their carrerrs .

it was a honor not to be ms. ......, and to have this untouchable , highly respected surgon , treat me , like a human . not his stupid sick , patient who keeps hurting herself each year .. how fortunante i was , and it has taught me something .

i am willing to try , turn painful , physical , emotional , experiences into something meaningful.

[Symora]

That was so inspirational! Thank you. I have been looking inward most of the day and you made me look outside myself a little. I think it's a great idea with regards to training your dogs. My grandmother lived in a retirement home for years and they would bring dogs and cats. She just loved them and talked about them often. I think what she particularly liked was the loving, the petting and cuddling, which is something they often don't get enough of. My grandma was a very affectionate person but most of us are not and she missed the affection - I think when you are old you are particularly sensistive to it.

Thank you, that gave me a boost before I go out for an evening at my sisters, which I could be a bit more excited about

Joyeux noel!! Symora

[Guest ASchwartz]

Mscat and Symora,

I agree with Symora. Well said.

Allan