my problem

[blue_laser]

this is rather embarrassing but any feedbacks are appreciated....

i am an east asian man. the stereotype that asian men having a small penis is true. my penis is 1 inch flaccid and 3.5 erect. i think my penis is smaller than the average asian penis. as a teenager, i've heard about asians having small penis but i didnt believe it until when i was junior high school. in the locker room, i realized that i was the smallest one. i was a big and tall guy so my small penis appeared even smaller. i was bigger than the most of my classmate but my penis was the smallest. my black friend had pretty big penis and he would often make jokes about my small penis. i would just laugh it off and make fun of my small penis as well... but it was killing me inside. ever since then, i became very self conscious. i hated the fact that i had small penis and i hated the fact that i fit the stereotype of small penis asian man. i tried to hid it by stuffing my underwear and visibly carrying a magnum condom in my wallet.

a couple of days ago, i went through my girlfriend's computer and found a sex video she made with her ex boyfriend. she apparently made the video a year and half ago when she was in college. her ex-boyfriend was white and had one of those porn star penis. i felt angry and depressed. she looked like she really enjoyed having sex with him and it seemed that he was satisfying her sexually. it sounded more "wet" and she was moaning loudly. his penis was bigger and he lasted longer. he is still in her facebook. i feel very angry at her and myself. i am angry that she still have the video. i am angry at myself that i can't satisfy her like her ex boyfriend. she never complained to me about my penis nor my performance. when i asked her about my penis before, she told me that her previously boyfriends were about the same size and i had nothing to worry about. i knew she was sort of lying. but now, i feel like she betrayed me by being totally untruthful.

should i confront her about the video? i am lost as to what i should do next. i can't get rid of the video on my head. the sex video is repeatedly playing on head and it gets me more angry and depress. i can't function. since watching the video, i am too ashamed to having sex with her. i love her deeply and i don't want to lose her. what if she cheats on me because i can't sexually satisfy her? what if she is already cheating on me with her ex boyfriend or anybody?

[IrmaJean]

Hello bluelaser and welcome,

I'm very sorry that you have experienced painful feelings about this. I am also sorry that you have endured the cruelty of others. This is always saddening to hear.

she never complained to me about my penis nor my performance.

If this is the case and things seem okay within your relationship, why do you think you are so concerened around this? You mentioned being worried about being compared with her ex-boyfriend, but it doesn't seem as if this is an issue for her. She is with you now and not him, so there must be a great deal she appreciates about you.

I think that when feeling anxious, things can build up in our minds and we can create all kinds of worrisome scenarios. It still happens to me every now and then too. I try to find ways to stop the thoughts which soon become irrational if I don't put a halt to them. Maybe the best way to approach this would be to be upfront and honest with your girlfriend about your concerns. Perhaps she can reassure you that your relationship is just fine.

There are others here who will offer you their thoughts and support as well. I hope you feel better, bluelaser.

[nearlydead]

Do not let her know you have seen the tape. She will feel, hate hurt embarassment, shame, anger etc. This will go wrong for you so many ways its untrue. SAY NOTHING.

If she hasn't finished with you keep nailing her as much as you can. Learn your craft. Finishing quick will pass with time and expeirence. You sound young, there will be others, and you will please them.

As others on this site are learning "size matters to us men, more than it does to women" "A big cock is a nice thing to have, but not an important thing to have" "women are more interested in the whole you, than just your penis size" I know it sounds like just words, but I hope they comfort you some.

How would you rate the sex you were having with your girlfriend before you saw the vidio? good? average? bad? If you were that bad and not satisfying her at all, why is she letting you, and only you shag her. Why has she not finished with you?

Cure: You cannot change your penis size. You cannot change the past. You can only change how you think about your size. Read through the two longest threads on this board, especially the couple of end pages, there might be some help in getting you to change your view of yourself.

We all struggle with this thing, hopefully you can learn from our mistalkes. Keep writing, if only to vent some steam. Go easy on the girlfriend, she is not the enemy.

[Recluse]

sdfasfasdf

[blue_laser]

thanks for all the replies

i am sure whether i should confront her about it. i want to ask her why she never deleted the video and if she still watches it. if i do confront her about it, how should i go about doing it? i am afraid of her answer. what if she belittles me? she still talks to her ex boyfriend. it bothers me greatly now that she is still in contact with him. if i do confront her about it, i think i will just end her screaming at her and making a scene. i am not sure what i want from her. i am just mad at her.

it bothers me that she seemed to enjoy having sex with him. i can't get the image out of my head. i can't get the sound of my head. i get angry everytime i see her.

reclusive, i really thought about having the surgery but i do not have the money. i am a big guy and i read somewhere that losing 20 or 30 pounds could increase as much as an inch. but even so, my penis is still nowhere as big as her exboyfriend. even if i do get the surgery, my penis will only increase by an inch or so. i will still be smaller than her exboyfriend.

[Recluse]

sdfasdf

[nearlydead]

If you lose 30lbs of fat you will be able to see roungly and extra inch of your penis. This is because fat tends to accumilate around and just above the pubic bone. Losing the wieght will also improve your sexual performance. Your aerobic capacity will improve with weight loss, your circulation will improve making your penis harder, you will have more confidence in your body, and your penis will look alot bigger. A young man like you could lose 30lb of fat with diet and excercise in about 4 month's. If I were you Id do that.

[nearlydead]

Recluse said: I realized that I can't change the way I think

It is possible to change the way you think. You start by saying "maybe I could change the way I think"

This is where the CBT stuff first kicked in for myself. I wrote a list of all the negative stuff I used to say to myself. Then where ever I had wrote "cant, wont, not, never" I crossed it out and wrote "maybe, could, can, possibly"

Do it Recluse, write out "I can't change the way I think" then write out "I could change the way I think" You could be surprised with how it makes you feel.

Chinese Proverb: If you think you can't, you're probably right!

[malign]

It bothers you that your girlfriend enjoyed sex before she met you?

Did you enjoy sex before you met her?

Does that make you want to go back to your ex?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

The difficult part of this is that it's almost entirely in your own head. She hasn't expressed any displeasure with the sex you're having, or any interest in sex with others. You're exactly right: the problem is that you're afraid, not that you're the wrong size or that she had sex before she met you.

[Recluse]

fasdfasd

[Sherzade]

Hi Blue_Laser,

To watch a video of our boyfriend or girlfriend having sex with someone else must quite an odd experience, even knowing that they had sex before and we accept it. I believe that even a confident and secure person would shake at the sight of it.

I understand your anger. Being insecure as you are because of your experience and watch that video was surely something that would trigger the reaction you had.

I agree with Irma Jean. I think that is a good idea to be honest with your girlfriend. I think that there are different points to think about:

1) You finding the video- you questioned why she has it. She has a history and it’s natural that she has pictures, videos and other objects that are part of her history with her ex-boyfriends. If they are not visible and too intrusive in your relationship then you may not have to worry.

2) Your insecurity and comparison with her ex-boyfriend. You were used to look at others’ penises and noticing that yours was smaller. Now you’ve just watched a video of a guy with a bigger penis having sex with your girlfriend, not surprisingly your feelings of inadequacy and inferiority will be proportionally larger. Even if you have been living regularly this incident reminded you and brought all your deep insecurities to the frontline. Perhaps you will have to do some work to accept yourself as you are, so you are more in control of your feelings of vulnerability.

3) Your anger at the thought that she lied to you when she said that her boyfriends had roughly the same penis size. Even if she was lying, I think that she was mostly kind and loving to you as her words in reality seem to have been: “do not worry, that is not the most important, I accept you as you are”.

Do have a honest conversation with her about the incident and what you have been feeling. However there is a limit to what she can do for you. I noticed that people that have small penises or think they have small penises tend to find it difficult to accept themselves and therefore find it difficult to believe that others may accept and love them truthfully. (As anyone who has very low self esteem for any kind of reason.)

Recluse:

"I can't change the way I think"

I think that this affirmation is already a change. You know that changing the way you think can help you work through your problem. You couldn't think this before. You would instead think that there was no way you could be helped, that you were inadequate and full stop. It feels as if you know that there is something that can help, but you are just not ready yet. You are preparing. It is already happening. A child doesn’t walk before crawling…

[Recluse]

fasdfsdff

[blue_laser]

thanks all

i spoke with my girlfriend last night. she told me that she wasnt even aware that she had the video and that she have totally forgot about it. i think she was lying to me. she say she was immature and stupid for making the video and that it was the only time she ever made any kind of sex video. she was mad that i went through her stuff.

i spoke to her about my feeling towards my penis. i asked her for her honest opinion about my size and my sexual performance. i asked her how i compare to her ex boyfriends. she told me that im her 5th sexual partner and i am indeed the smallest. she say she doesnt care about my size and that if she cared, she would have left me after she saw my penis. she say she didn't expect me to have a big penis... whatever that means. she told me that im the nicest and the most caring guy she ever dated and that she loves me deeply regardless.

she's my first girlfriend and i am sexually inexperience, especially compare to her. i think that contributes to my insecurity. the sexual intercourse last about few minutes and the fact that i have 3inch penis makes everything worse. i think she is bored having sex with me. i asked her how i could satisfy her sexually and she spoke about incorporating sex toys. im not sure how i should feel about the whole thing. i was thinking about shaving my pubes to make my penis bigger but im afraid it will just end up looking like a penis of 10 years old boy. im think about losing some weight and be more physically attractive for her.

i still dont feel any better after speaking to her. i dont know what i expect her to say but i still feel angry and upset.

[IrmaJean]

she told me that im the nicest and the most caring guy she ever dated and that she loves me deeply regardless.

This is what it's all about, bluelaser. She loves you deeply. I think that maybe your discomfort about this has more to do with how you feel about yourself than about how she feels about you. She loves you. This is wonderful, isn't it? Maybe soak that up and accept it. You deserve it.

[blue_laser]

irmajean

i think she does love me and it is a wonderful thing. but i know that sex is a big part of any kind of romantic relationship. i've read many time on the internet, magazines and watched on tv about women who are sexually frustrated by their inept bfs and husband. they end up leaving them or cheating on them.... and that's what im afraid of. i've been hurt enough by my small penis since puberty and i do not want to get hurt even more. i do know size does matter and it's a lie when woman say it doesnt matter.

[IrmaJean]

It sure wouldn't be a lie for me. The size of a man's genitals does not matter to me in one way or the other. It is something which I would never even consider. Sex has always been about sharing to me. The gift is in the sharing. Sharing of the self with another... It sounds as if your girlfriend feels the same way as I do. She has chosen to be with you. She loves you and has told you so. Maybe try and trust in that more than in what you've read in magazines. She's with you and she loves you. Why the self-doubts? Where do you think that is coming from?

[Sherzade]

blue_laser

I agree with IrmaJean. The size of the penis is secondary for me. In my view a relationship is a whole and sex is a part of it. An important part, it's true, but that is not determined by the size of men's penises. In my opinion. Some women may think differently. You can focus on the woman that loves you and accepts you or on the others to whom the size of a men's penis is the most relevant item in a relationship. I do hope you focus and trust the former.

About the sex toys, people use them in order to make their sex life more interesting, whether they have big or small penises. I've got friends who use them and i sometimes think i would like to try some as well. It can actually be fun to look for some things and try them. To play with sex toys do not equal "you've got a small penis i need sex toys". It can equal fun, trust, be open to new experiences, longer foreplay... But i don't think you have to do anything you don't want to.

Recluse hello,

"What I meant to convey was that I don't think I will ever be happy with being small. "

I understand that very well. I will not be happy as well for reasons that i also cannot change. I am hoping that i can integrate it all, instead of keeping it split off from my whole being.

"The reason for this is because the way I feel about my cock is dependent upon how women feel about it."

Yes, but you don't know how women that are not prostitutes feel because you had sex with prostitutes only. So your feelings about your cock are dependent on your believes or fantasies, which are not tested by reality. Yet! :-)

[IrmaJean]

What I meant to convey was that I don't think I will ever be happy with being small. The reason for this is because the way I feel about my cock is dependent upon how women feel about it. My ability to improve my quality of life is fully dependent upon changing how I think about things in general which is something I am capable of doing.

This is a good place to start, Recluse. Changing your self-beliefs and presenting yourself as confident will more likely elicit a positive response from a woman. It's great that you know you are capable of improving things. Little steps at a time in a positive direction. (And don't forget about David's list from the other thread.)

[Symora]

It's great that you were able to talk to your girlfriend, and she sounds like she was sincere in telling you that penis size what not a preoccupation of hers - although it obviously is for you. From a woman's point of view, there is so much more to sex than penetration. You can learn to be an adept lover that will please her in different ways, but that will be difficult if all you can think about is your penis. Is it possible to put that aside for a while and just try to focus on learning about what pleases her - I assure you she will love you for that!

It sounds like you have a good girlfriend, I suggest you try to shift your perspective to the overall person and relationship you have together. Keep in perspective that your penis does not overshadow all those other things that make a relationship important....

Hope you find peace of mind in this situation...

[iwish6]

bluelaser I'm going to be completely honest with you alright?

I'm also stuck with a small penis for the time being (4.5 x4)...it sucks i know. i too have a loving girlfriend and she loves me. however were both virgins, which im completely thankful for.

now im going to be frank with you...your situation sucks. you are with someone you love and you know shes had sex with others before you. but honestly, everyone would feel the same way if they found out their loved one slept with someone else before you. its bc of love...you feel protective over your loved one. Now the fact that you have a small penis just adds extra stress that you think you cannot satisfy her. when we think too much about our size we begin to think the entire relationship is based on it. when you take a closer look you will find that that is rediculous. think about it....who would throw away love because of someones small penis? thats insane! love is a deeper connection and not just a physical connection. being good under the sheets is just a bonus. JUST A BONUS!!

now you wont be able to please your girlfreind with the penis you have like her previous bfs have, but you bring much more to the table. Your personality, your humor, your kindness, intelligence, passion, love, surpasses all those other boyfriends. they cant touch you. if you really want to spice things up in the bed then buy some of those toys. become an expert with them (the toys, tounge, hands).

i WARN YOU dont get stuck up on your size, dont continuously bring up your insecurities with your gf, this will only push her away from you. JUST LET LOVE HAPPEN. IF DOWN THE ROAD THINGS DONT WORK OUT, IT JUST WASNT MEANT TO BE. ENJOY THE LOVE THAT YOU TWO SHARE...ITS SOMETHING SPECIAL. REMEMBER WHATEVER YOU HAVE BEEN DOING..ITS WORKING! IMPROVE ON EVERYTHING ELSE.

goodluck blue laser

[Guest ASchwartz]

Iwish6,

Your words to Bluelaser are very kind and sensitive. I applaud you for that. However, your deep seated belief that neither of you can satisfy your girlfriends because of the size of your penis is very mistaken. In fact, it is interesting that you admit to being a virgin. If you are a virgin, how do you know that you cannot satisfy your girl friend or any woman?

Allan:confused:

[nearlydead]

Hi Blue,

Now you have let your girlfriend know that you are insecure about your size, I would leave it at that, say no more about it. You dont want to make a thing of your size, she will get bored with an insecure man very quickly.

You have met a girl who has had sex with bigger men, and now she is with you, and only you. She obviously has a healthy interest, and open attitude to sex, with some expeirence of other men, she's made a movie, and she's willing to try toys. I hope that you and the other smaller guys here realise that even though we are small we can please women sexually with our size, we may not be the ideal. but we can still get the job done. Blue, you are luckier than most here, you and I both know that we can do the job. Next you just have to realise the problem with our size is mainly in our heads.

Although there is still the possibility of ridicule, which is another problem that we must find a solution to.

Do yourselve a favour, and dont bring it up with the girlfirend again, you will drive her away if you do.

[miller72]

Hi Blue,

Except for the video, our situation is the same. Well, I have a mental video playing in my head non-stop, does that count?. The hardest thing to do will be to get those images out of your head when you are having sex with her. If you figure out how to do it, please let me know.

Miller

[blue_laser]

hi all,

thanks for ur kind words. u guys have no idea how much help u guys gave me in overcoming this situation. i think u guys are right about not brining up about my small penis issue with her. i could see how it may be a huge turn off if i repeated bring it up. i know i have to work on my self confidence and resolve the penis issue somehow. i have to accept the fact that i will never have a big penis. it's going to be hard but i guess i have no choice. i heard that u must face ur fear to overcome it. my worse fear is being naked in front on other guys who have much bigger penis than me. i guess im still somewhat traumatized from the school locker room years. if i am comfortable being naked around other guys without feeling insecure, then maybe it's the sign that im "cured"?

miller72,

i feel ur pain and i know exactly what u r going through. the video kept playing all day in my head. i remember the sex sounds and all the conversation they had during the sex act. but after speaking with her about it, i still felt angry. i dont think i could ever forget the video as long as im with her. after having the talk with her, she realized how much i was hurt and she also realized how much i am insecure about my penis size. it seemed like she wasnt even aware of the insecurity i had towards my penis. after having the talk with her, we had sex. after we were done and lying in the bed, she kissed my penis and gave me a big smile and told me it was fantastic. i knew she was lying and only saying that to make me feel better. the next day, she texted me several times about how great it was last night. i felt like king of the world.

if it bothers u, then u should have a talk with her. tell her everything about ur issue. if she loves u and cares for u, then she will assure u that ur penis is not an issue for her. it's up to u to accept it and move on.

[IrmaJean]

after we were done and lying in the bed, she kissed my penis and gave me a big smile and told me it was fantastic. i knew she was lying and only saying that to make me feel better. the next day, she texted me several times about how great it was last night. i felt like king of the world.

.

Try to trust in the words of your girlfriend, bluelaser. I really feel that loving someone is also very much about becoming familiar with them and appreciating them for who they are. This is a part of you which she appreciates and thinks is fantastic. She loves you and this is great! I wish you and your girlfriend well. Take care.