just breathing is Hell, how can I move forward now ?

[Bluerose]

Sue,

I know. I really know. I’ve had a few hospital stays over the years. One of the long ones was for six weeks and I thought that was it, my life was over. Someone else was taking care of my children and I felt like I had let them and everyone else down miserably.

In the beginning I really needed the meds and I didn’t care about very much, not even getting well and getting home to my kids. But over time, I chatted with the psych doc, had meds gradually cut down, and began to feel again. It hurt like hell when I thought about my kids and the people I had let down. It took some time to deal with the guilt but thankfully I got stronger and began to feel that little seed of control returning.

I think that was my worst hospital stay. Once I was feeling myself again, I thought right that’s it no more. It took a long time for me to believe what I was telling myself but I had taken the bull by the horns and I wasn’t letting go. I just kept thinking there has to be more to life than this.

I’m not saying it’s easy, and I’m not telling you what to do - and I’m sorry if it sounds like that sometimes - I’m just trying, like everyone else here, to help you keep going until you begin to feel that little seed of control growing in you again.

We can see that you are really trying. If you weren’t you wouldn’t come here and keep us updated. You are showing an interest in what we here are posting about, what we are concerned about, you care! You care about what we think and that’s a good sign.

Your task for today is to……… Smile. Right now just once.

{{hug}}

[Lindamomof7]

yeah ditto from me Sue... and yes after many suicide attempts( severe ones) I could never understand what they were saying, how can you do that with having kids. Because at the time it can feel like you dont care but same as Rose all my stays were 6 wks and I went from no guilt to guilt and getting back on track. It was very hard and still is, but it can be a slow process to think of ourselves at this time of the illness. But it does change, little by little and even something as simple as talking or walking or as Rose says, smile, is a step in the right direction.......

[notmary]

When you say that it has been two weeks and it seems like it has been a lifetime... in a way it is a new lifetime for you. You have suffered an horrendous loss and you are in the earliest stages of grief. There is no time table or time frame. At this point getting up in the morning, brushing your teeth, etc are all victories. Doing these things means that you are alive and moving. Remember that right now the most important thing you can do is to be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to live and to heal.

[SweetSue]

Some days are just hard. been trying to put a brave face on things, this last day or so, but even the fakeness of my smile is crumbling.

Managed to catch flu, sheeeze that was lucky - not. and now I feel even more run down. get up, dust myself down, get on with it sue. what the heck is stopping me. its simple, I know what I need to do, so why cant I do it.

Pretend everythings ok, eventually I have to believe it.

but its always there, right at the front of my mind, constantly, dunno why, why I cant just push it way, way out of my head, Im sending myself in circles.

My daughters 3rd birthday is tomorrow. that hurts. missed her 2nd due to a suspected heart attack, thankfully it only turned out to be a clot, but this year, I dont have an excuse, theres no way of justifying the fact that Im not with her, that she is no longer my daughter, she now has a new moma, new papa, she now has a new family.

Im happy for her, that she now has the life deemed suitable by the courts, but OMG, I wish she was here, or I was there, just to say happy birthday bubkiss. Sorry need to get a grip. who knows maybe one day.

Time to just forget. I have to just FORGET and STOP !!!, just sue STOP

[Lindamomof7]

I'm sorry Sue, I know words can't always help you be able to move up and around.

But Smile you brought a beautiful miracle into this world plus 2 more!!! You will always be there Moma and as she celebrates her birthday, they will think about you and pray for you to get better....

That is what you need to ALWAYS think about. She is too young to understand any of this other then Moma is sick and she is trying to get better while she is in a safe place and taken care of.....

So when she is older, you NEED to be better so she can know her Moma, the one that brought her into this beautiful world.

I'm thinking about you Sue ((((hug))))

[Bluerose]

Hope you have an easy week.

Take care.

{{Hug}}