just breathing is Hell, how can I move forward now ?

[SweetSue]

Ok, well I've lost my children, they are now up for adoption.

There have been times in my life that I have honestly thought that I am evil, still do occasionally, and have often said on here that Im just waiting to be taken to Hell where I belong.

Well Im still here on this planet, but Im in Hell, trying just to find enough air to breathe. I feel so emprty, lost. Without my children, my darling babies.

My kids rightly or wrongly were my inspiration to get well, to fight against bring ill, to fight against the urges to just give up. they were my everything.

So now Im stuck, here in this living Hell, how the heck do I move forward ?

When all I want to do is lay here crying, and do nothing, literally nothing.

Am I just wollowing in self pity ? if thats the case, how do I carry on ?

im sorry, I really havnt got a clue. im probably just whinging, sorry

[IrmaJean]

I love your new screen name because it is very much the truth. You are SweetSue.

I am very sorry for what has happened to you. I think that allowing yourself to grieve right now is okay. Crying is okay. Whining is okay. Self-pity is okay. Give yourself some time to find your way. I wish I knew of something to say that might ease your pain, Sue. Know that I am here to listen and support you. One breath at a time, one day at a time, Sue.

[Symora]

Hi SweetSue, I'm so sorry for this loss, I have also often said that it's because of my children that I am still here, so I can imagine how difficult this must be for you...

Just as IrmaJean suggested, I think that you are allowed to grieve right now, in whatever way it manifests itself. It is the first few weeks that are always the most difficult to get through, hang in there.. We are here with you ...

[Bluerose]

SweetSue,

I like your new name. Are you Sue? I can't begin to imagine your pain right now. Like Symora, my kids are the reason I'm still here. Are you being allowed any contact with your kids? I know this won't mean much now but they do grow up so fast and no one can keep them from you forever. I hope you are allowed some contact and that you are allowed to send them cards and stuff.

{{{Hug}}}

Best wishes

[danni]

I am so sorry for your pain Sue!! I can only imagine the depth of the hurt you must be feeling right now. I wish I had some words that would lessen it for you but I don't think there are any. I can only tell you that I care and my heart goes out to you. This is such a loss!! Don't forget to let yourself grieve and feel all the emotions that go with that. I hope with all my heart that someday you will cross paths again.

[SweetSue]

Thankyou, all of you for the kind replies.

Erm, yeah, sorry I needed to change my screen name, Jessica Jane, well its one of my daughters names, I just used it when I joined here, coz well idk, I just did. But yeah, too painful to be called that right the now. idk, probably sounds silly. OMG, shes kinda not my daughter now is she. cept she still is, in my heart, and thats ok right ? And yes Sue is my real name. (all the good names were gone by the time my parents got round to having me)

No Im not allowed contact with my babies, except for yearly updates, but thats not the same as seeing them, but I suppose its better than nothing.

Sorry, think thats everything, kinda numb and seriously, when does the crying stop. Its all I seem to be doing. And its crazy, I can actually manage to not cry for short periods of time, I mean its always there lodged inside me, but the slightest thing, and it dosnt have to have anyhing to do with my children and Im balling my eyes out again.

I feel so useless, like pointless, erm I cant find the right word, pathetic, maybe idk. Just truely heartbroken, and like a dog that looses its master, Im just pineing away, not doing a damn thing, just waiting for when its all over. im sorrry i know I am being a lot self pitying, and possibly over reacting, probably bringing alot of this pain on myself, and I suppose er no, I know its what i deserve, so I should just suck it in and deal with it , and not be a drama queen. Yeah, i guess im pretty damn mad at me right now too.

[Bluerose]

Sue,

I'm so sorry to hear you don't have contact. Are you in the UK? If so I can't understand this no contact. My niece went down a bad road a while back and lost custody but had contact. She went through a lot of court type hassle just to keep them from being adopted. She got them back just before Christmas. I can't say too much because that is her business. I have a young grandson living with me, long story, he met his mum (my ex daughter in law) for the first time since he was a baby two Christmases ago. I truly feel for you and wish with all my heart that something changes for the better. You are their mother and they are your children that will never change. We feel what we have to feel and we deal with it the best way we can. I wouldn't worry about how you sound. Just take care of you.

[IrmaJean]

There is a light in your heart that is your love, Sue. It is something which is always with you and always will be. The love you have shared and felt with each of your precious babies is something you carry with you. It's a part of your soul. Whenever you feel joy or a moment of pleasure, inside the feeling is a little piece of hope and a connection with your children. Every time you feel love, you connect with them. Whenever you smile or laugh or remember, they will be there with you. For there are some connections which can never be broken by physical separation. This is a bond that remains always and forever...in every breath, in every smile, in every tear...it is love. You hurt so much right now because you love so deeply. I hope that you will be very gentle with yourself and allow your feelings. There is no need to apologize for anything. Take care of your needs right now. Dear SweetSue, I wish you were here to hug right now. I'm so sorry.

[JaneE]

Oh, Sue, I'm so awfully, terribly sorry this happened!! It's so unfair, I know you sought help in the first place to get well and be there for your children, to be the best parent you could be.

DavidO said elsewhere on this forum, something to the effect that we are the vessels that brought our children into this world, but that we can't keep them. Ack, I'm probably mangling the quote badly, but that they are your children that you birthed into this world will never change. Someday they will be grown and you will be back in their lives again. I'm so sorry that you have this unbelievably difficult path to tread in the meantime.

Echoing what the others have said, let yourself grieve. Stay in therapy, etc. Some therapists specialize in grief counseling, make sure you get some!!

My heart goes out to you and I pray light from the universe to your soul.

Jane

[ttjack]

As a parent, I don't know what to say.

I hear people say everything happens for a reason, and I hope not to sound harsh, but maybe this is an opportunity to just focus on you and heal yourself.

god bless.

good luck.

[SweetSue]

Thankyou all for your kind words. This is my blog, but thought I'd put it here aswell, as well it kinda says how I'm feeling. better than I am able to at the moment.

No-one

Someday, One day, just seems to far away.

I lay here just waiting for the pain to dissapear. Its growing stronger with each passing moment.

They are waiting for me, what the heck for. Dont they realise. there is no hope, no future, no dreams to fight for. NOTHING.

Why are they just prolonging the inevitable. If they want to be productive why dont they just kill me now. Save there efforts for Someone that wants to be saved. Someone that needs to be saved, Someone that deserves to be saved.

Why are they so damn ignorant to the truth. They are intelligent people, surely they must know when the odds are stacked against them, so high that a mountain looks like a hill, they aint got a hope of achieving what they set out to do. Why do they bother.

So I lay here, the Vultures flutter around me, waiting to take my hand. and guide my way back down under. The Voices, encouraging with their taunts, their facts, their damn harsh insults. shouting round and round inside my head. The staff whittling around me like hurried Bees collecting pollen for there hive.

I just lay here, overwhelmed with all the activity. Should I move, could I even try to move, find a quiet hiding place. and wait there. They will follow anyway, for some unknown reason.

No-one understands, No-one sees, No-one feels it, No-one hurts, No-one just wants to die, No-one just needs to find peace.

I just lay here, waiting, till everyone sees things as they are. They are mis-guided, they think that I am Someone, but I know that I am No-one.

So I lay here, waiting, for them to realise the truth, they do not believe me, they will soon realise that they have been mis-taken. And leave No-one to become No-more.

No-one just lays still. There is nothing No-one can do. No-one is trapped, in Someones World.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, Sue, but you are so much of a someone.

Even in your grief, you make moments to support others. It's a painful journey for you and your heart is aching, but that heart is very pure and beautiful and beats full of love. I've seen it time and time again as you reach out and offer the someone that you are to others. And this is the gift of yourself... a very big someone. One day you will see what a treasure you are and you will embrace that in the same way that all of us do here. Sue is a someone. Sue is a someone, SweetSue.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Try and take it one day at a time. We'll be here to support you.

[Symora]

You may feel like no-one right now, but you are someone. Someone who is hurting. Someone who is confused and scared. Someone who has a hard time seeing something positive in tomorrow. You are someone who is grieving. You are someone, don't lose hope SweetSue..

[Donna]

Sue, i am so very very sorry, i dont know what to say that might help...thats such a bloody silly futile sentence really cos nothings going to help i know that, i wish i could do something that would.

You are something and somebody, i agree with everyone else your new name suits you to a tee! you are sweet and you take so much time and thought for others whatever you are going through, im not sure i could.

You are not a drama queen at all and please dont be mad at yourself you have nothing to be mad at yourself for,be mad at those who deserve it ..s/s for a start!

I'm sorry i just dont have the right words. I guess all i can say is that im thinking of you and my heart goes out to you, i wish things could be different.

Take care love xxx

[SweetSue]

Im finding this the most difficult thing I have ever had to cope with. Lots of things over the years have knocked me down. But usually, eventually, I manage to get that little "glimmer" of fight back in me. Erm you know like, thinking "oh blow it" "its happened" " get over it", "proove the "B's" wrong". And eventually after a while, (of sulking, whinging, and a lot of hard work) I find I've gotten myself up, dusted myself down, and I'm moving forward again.

I just cant locate that "glimmer", I think I've ran out. Maybe coz this time, I just hav'nt got any inspiration, any motivation, nothing to proove, nothing to "fight" for.

Everything seems to take so much effort, which dos'nt help much with the current attitude I seem to find myself in. All I want to do is just lay here, the only thing I'm capable of is staying in bed, and crying. thinking, over thinking, of all the stuff, that I know isnt helping. But I'm stuck, and just cant seem to want to move out from those places of thought. I'm just dwelling, rehashing, and sulking.

Whats the point of getting up each time, only to be knocked over again. And with each knock it just hurts more, costs you more, leaves you emptier. so much emptier than I ever believed was possible.

[Bluerose]

You got some bad news about your children so what you are feeling seems natural to me. I’m sure if they had took my kids away I would be in a much worse state. It’s like having a piece of you cut out. Of course it hurts like hell but you mustn’t let yourself get buried by it. Your kids need you, they want you and they will find you again. Just make sure you’re here when they do. Take care of yourself for now. Eat properly and try to get out and about some - the fresh air will do you good. Take care.

Lots of energising thoughts are on there way to you. Stay strong. We are hear and we are listening.

[Bluerose]

Whats the point of getting up each time, only to be knocked over again. And with each knock it just hurts more, costs you more, leaves you emptier. so much emptier than I ever believed was possible.

It's not the number of times we are knocked down that is important - it is the number of times we get back up!

[IrmaJean]

Sue, it's only been a few days. You are grieving and this will take time. This is a very painful loss for you and it hurts very badly at this time. But I very much believe in your inner strength and resiliency.Try and not judge the place you are in right now. The glimmer of hope will come, but maybe not today or tomorrow...It will come one day.

You say you want something to fight for. Start fighting for Sue. Take care of Sue and get her well again. When you do feel better, maybe you can take on the legal system, make your story known, fight for new laws...make something positive out of this. Just a thought...

Hang in there, SweetSue, and keep expressing your feelings. We're here to listen and support you.

[SweetSue]

Today has been a mixture really. Spent most of the day, being very immature and stubborn, although at the time, Im ashamed to say, I didnt see it that way. Like way to go Sue ~ not

I truely just wanted to be left alone, and not be told what to do, how to do it and when to get it done by. So in a idiotic way I was cutting off my nose to spite my face. These people that I was so rude to, well they were only helping me, but did I see it that way, like not in a million.

All they were trying to do was, get me to do my physio, or take my meds, or encourage me to eat, try get me to get out of bed, or even get me to get in the shower rooms.There kindness was met, with complete and utter disrespect. If they didnt go away, after me ignoring them, then I would just shout at them to go. And my word am I ashamed of both my attitude and my behaviour. Im not proud, but facing facts, and well Im a little shocked at myself.

Talk about taking my anger out on the wrong people. I could go into a long list of excuses as to why I was like that. Im not going to. Coz well there is no excuse. Ive talked to the staff now, obviously, and credit where credit is due, they were very kind and gracious. Just dont know where that part of me came from. I am normally so quiet, and do as Im told, when Im told.

Im still not doing much, I did manage to eventually get out of bed for half an hour or so. Even kinda got dressed. Well brushed my hair and put my slippers on. this wasnt till early evening. I suppose its something.

Starting to properly sink in now, starting to hit me just how real this whole situation is. And I am so angry, at me. I look at the person I have become. I dont recognise myself. I cant forgive myself. Somehow I have to work out just what Im going to do. I dont know if I can move on from this, its so painful, I think Im going to try though.

[Bluerose]

Anger isn’t such a bad thing. It might even be considered a healthy thing. It means stuff is coming to the surface. The important thing now is how you deal with it. I’m no expert by any means but try to aim it at inanimate objects rather than people. For example, punching a pillow sounds silly but it’s better than punching a person. And to cut down on the guilt, apologising to those you yelled at might help. Even being angry at yourself is okay so long as you are aware of why you are angry at yourself and are willing to forgive yourself. It’s all a part of the healing process - a way of gaining a calmer mind.

Think peace harmony and tranquillity.

Best wishes.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Sweetsue,

Hang in there and follow the good advice you are getting here: Its not how many times you get knocked down that matters but that you keep getting back up.

Allan:)

[SweetSue]

The final thread snapped today. I messed up. Thought I was doing really well, got up, without being told to. Even got showered and dressed. managed to not completely flip out when I was given my mail. Stayed polite, smiled a few times, yep, I tried damn hard today.

Then I completely screwed it all up. and I dont even know exactly what happened, still dont. I slipped back into old ways, huh. slipped more like jumped. Im a mess. Stupid, so damn stupid. It was a promise, like promises, oh geez I always keep them.

I dont get it, one moment I was really really trying, like putting my all out there, trying to convince myself that Im better, that I can do this, get through this, and then next thing Iim throwing it all away.

Im so, idk. angry, dissapointed at me the now. I even screw up screwing up.

[malign]

Sue, the important thing is, are you okay?

Screwing up, well, I don't mind if you screw that up.

It's possible that not all of you is ready for the step forward that you were trying to take, earlier. The important thing is to take care of you, now.

We still love you, that's not on the list of things that you can screw up.

[notmary]

Dear sweet Sue,

I am sorry for the horrible events that have happened to you. I know that you are a kind caring person who has taken care of so many people (including me) on this board. Allow all of us to return that favor. Let us lift you with love and prayers. Take care of you and find joy anywhere you can. I know that when you are in shock, which I am sure is where you are right now, it is hard to remember to even breathe. I am thinking of you and praying that you can find peace.

[Bluerose]

Please don’t beat yourself up too hard for slipping. The seed has been sown and it takes time to grow. You know what you want and you are trying your best to get it. Give it time. In the mean time just keep on doing what you are doing - what you know is right. Be kind and patient with yourself.

{{{Hug}}}