just breathing is Hell, how can I move forward now ?

[IrmaJean]

Grief is full of ups and downs and this is only natural. I hope that you will take gentle care of yourself during this difficult time. There is no right or wrong way to do this. It's your path and we are here to hold your hand through the rough patches. Sue, we do love you. One day at a time, SweetSue.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Sue... I'm sorry you are struggling... I have been thinking about you and hoping you will get right back up and, "fight Like a girl"

step by step, day by day..... Remember your babies!!!

[mscat]

Hi Sue,

My heart breaks for you. I am deeply sorry about what has happened. Take all the time you need , and be good to yourself. Punishing yourself is not going to help you become well , or strong. Your going to need time to gieve over the loss, however, please be kind to yourself. You have to take care of yourself so you can move forward. Your children will always be in your heart no matter what. And your always goign to be their mother , no matter what. Cherish the memories , write letters to them even if you can't send them , save them , for when you can meet your kids when they are older . So they can know how much you always loved them .

my experience is that a biological mother's love is forever. And this bond absolutely cannot be broken. I have been on the other side of this,and do know .. Even when I could not remember her face anymore, I use to try and imangine what she looked like, as a kid.

Maybe, after you get out , their is a support group you could join?

mscat

[SweetSue]

Feel really humiliated, ashamed and embarrased of me tonight. keep trying to post here, but chicken out, dunno if this wiill make it to the thread or not, depends how I feel when Ive wrote it. Like idk, things just arent moving forward. I feel like people are judging me and laughing, I try tell myself this is probably my own paranoia, (just dont believe me) but oh god I just want to hide under my bed till it all goes away. I'm getting real scared of people, and have to say to myself over and over they are just nurses, but by the time they get near me my stupid head wanders and they become my vultures. Flashbacks full on the rise. I feel so frightened of what Im not sure.I really need to just snap out of this. I know I deserve everything that comes my way so I should just shut up

[Bluerose]

Let it out. No one here can hurt you and no one here is laughing at you. Every post you post is another step towards clear thinking. Hang in there. {{Hug}}

[SweetSue]

Well things are slowly sinking in further. In a sad way Im begining to accept the situation. Heartbreaking as it is, Im no longer a moma. my four wonderful babies are now in the hands of hopefully loving parents that will love and cherish each and everyone of them. I pray many times a day that they are happy, loved and safe.

My heart remains raw and broken, and Im truely at a loss as to what Im meant to do. Giving up, is the answer that finds its way into my heart and mind. kinda gets stuck there, and is rapidly becoming one of my "I just have to"s. My patience with myself has all but evaporated, and self disgust has taken over.

Without the parts of my heart as my focus, it just seems so futile.

I try convince myself that one day my babies will find me, want to know me, will forgive me. I cant believe this though. It seems to much for me to expect from them.

I dont know, just really feel defeated, totally screwed and find myself thinking whats the flipping point.

[Lindamomof7]

Sue, yes your children will always want to know you and yes they will find you or you will find them. You ARE their Moma, always and forever. They will always love you...

So focus on that....

How about starting a journal/diary for each of them and when the time is right, you will give it to them and they will know and understand the loving person you really are despite the situation... You need to do it for THEM....

Fight Like a girl, Sue... we love you and support you.... :)

[Bluerose]

That's a really good idea.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Sue,

I want to add my support to you and point something out: You are still a mother and always will be. Nothing can change that.

Allan

[SweetSue]

feel so hurt today, there just isnt the words things cut so deeply, im messing up so much this is impossible want it to just end now, coz seriously I cant take anymore

[malign]

Sweety, the world is full of idiots.

You're not required to listen to them.

[SweetSue]

unfortunately, words hurt

easy to say not to listen, too late once I have heard

words have meanings, get lodged in my head, cut very deep. How do I not listen when words are attacking me from the inside out, and the outside in.

[malign]

Sweety, words have meanings, sure, but what it takes to make them important is truth.

I could tell you the sun is purple, and you'd know the meaning of each of those words, but that wouldn't make them true.

Please stop believing what isn't true.

[SweetSue]

mark

Idk, its hard to explain, yes what was wrote in my thread this morning upset me more than you can imagine. I know its my own fault, Im over sensitive and over emotional.

It does not take much to knock me back down again. I feel stuck, trapped.

I have too many words screaming at me today, I dont expect people to understand, I dont understand myself. Just know that all these words are screaming at me from the inside, then words are coming from me on the outside, andd feel so scared and trapped, like its jusst real scarey..........

[malign]

Sweety, I'm not telling you that you're wrong to feel bad.

All I was trying to do was help you feel better.

If it helps any, after trying a couple of more times to reach her, I was forced to ban her for a week. I just keep getting shown that I can't protect everybody from everything all the time, and I wish I could. It's just that no one can; we each have to protect ourselves, too.

I'm sorry you believed what she said. I don't, myself; or I believe that the adopted kids she was talking about were better off not getting to know her more.

[SweetSue]

I didnt believe what she said, Im hurt and offended by it. appalled that someone can be so discriminative. in what I thought to be an accepting non judgemental environment. I was shocked. just never expected to read them words here, especially concerning this subject.

I have had a very hard day, had therapy today and well was discussing something harsh, and now ive gotten all these images going through my mind, my voices are kicked in good and proper, and i cant get certain words out of me, and its just confusing and scarey and i feel trapped.

im sorry Im overwhelmed and just kinda trying to make sense of things. which i cant do coz things are getting mixed together and becoming just mad

[malign]

I'm sorry, sweety. They were hurtful words, and shouldn't have been said.

[Bluerose]

SweetSue,

Just try to rest. Will they give you something to help you sleep?

[notmary]

Don't give up Sue. I know that the hurtful words of one can overwhelm the loving words of many, butthis is the time to reread the loving and supporting words over and over. You are a mother: a loving caring mother. Your children have that love and support that you gave them inside them and they will always carry that and it will carry them through.

[catsirish]

Gosh, Im so sorry. Its an awful way to feel, Ive been there. I just pray :eek:

[SweetSue]

*****************************

[SweetSue]

think to be able for me to move forward i have to just forget the me that i have become, and forget everything. i dont want to be the me that i am.

sometimes its better not to remember, and just erase the past. this for me is one of them times. i have to forget. everything. forget me. and all that has happened. burry it deep. and try move forward some how.

[Bluerose]

You have to do whatever you have to do to get past this really bad time right now. But pushing it away isn’t the answer, I know. Just when you think you got it all sorted it comes up and bites you on the bum. What might work better for now at least is to break it all up into smaller pieces and deal with it one piece at a time. Concentrate on taking care of yourself, washing your hair, dressing, eating a bit of something, getting some fresh air if that’s possible. Do the little things for now. Once you see you’re managing that it will make you feel more in control. I think that’s what you might need right now - Just to feel that you are in control of your day. …. We’ll talk about getting control of your life later. Small steps.

{{Hug}}

[SweetSue]

Thanks Rose

thanks for the advice. I have been trying to do the things that you mentioned. its just that they seem so, pointless immaterial to me most days. i seem to be just stuck, crying, rethinking , regretting, wondering what the hell i could of done differently. and then on the days that i do really try like proper give it my all, theres always something that knocks me down again, sometimes it can be something real silly like idk, forgetting something that i know i should know, or knocking over my hot chocolate. then its like its the end of the world. My emotions are all over the place.

i feel like im just becoming a nusance, you know that people think i should just put things into perspective and get a life and move on. if only it were that simple.

its been 2 weeks tomorrow, and i dunno really, dunno how much longer that i can take being like this for. the past couple of weeks just seem a lifetime, yet like yesterday. and i know that dosnt make sense, just idk, how to explain it.

i want to just be able to do what people are telling me to do, forget the stuff that is stabbing at me and ripping at my broken heart. i hate letting people down, and feel like im insulting others coz i just havnt got a grip on this yet

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Sue, I'm just catching back up on posts, been out of power. I agree with Rose, I think it is worse to push it away. Your terrible situation will always be there in the fore front of your mind, always...

So since it is there, make the best of it for you and let it be the absolute best goal you can give yourself each and every minute and day... to get well!!!

I hope this helps a little and I know how difficult it is to just eat and breathe but your children need you...

They need to be able to see you happy and healthy and when they do, they will understand You want them to be survivors right? They still need your help Sue....

(((hug)))