Holy cow, what a day I had

[08hduc]

Yesterday started out like any other. Up at 7:30, coffee, reading this forum and the online news. About 9:30 I was swamped with anxiety from an unknown trigger. I was pacing all over the house, peeking out of the blinds for some reason I have yet to discover. About 11 I decided some TV might calm me down so I switched it on and channel surfed.

Here is where the weirdness started. No matter what channel I stopped on within minutes they were talking about me. My name was never said but I knew they were talking about me and my past. This really set me on edge.

12:30 my co-worker came by and saw how weird I was so he talked me into riding with him to lunch at Golden Corral. We had not been there 10 minutes and everyone there, staff included, was looking at and talking about me. We left at 12:45 having just starting to eat.

Rode around for a while talking then drove to the river just north of the Matamoros bridge. While we were talking we saw a group of about 13 illegal aliens swim across the river and get into a van (no biggie, happens about every 30 mins here). I went ballistic. I started tearing the back of his van apart, literally, looking for a rifle so I could capture the illegals (of course there were no weapons, this was a work van). I stayed fixated on this for hours according to my friend who stayed with me until 7:30 when my wife got home. My wife gave me a 20mg Zyprexa injection and I finally relaxed and went to sleep.

Called the pdoc this morning and relayed my experience. He said he did not want to do a med adjustment since he just restarted the Risperdol. I just needed to stay in a safe environment and wait & see what happens. Of course he offered to commit me to a safe environment if I needed it. Gee what a nice guy he is!!

[SweetSue]

yep, that was certainly a day and half

Im sorry your struggling so much, and hope that in time the meds start to work. Please try keep yourself as safe as poss, and seriously, if things become too much, and you dont feel safe, then your best option will be to get help in a safe environment, even if that means grtting yourself commited.

I hope that you feel better soon.

take care

Sue

[malign]

Mmm, yeah, I wouldn't dismiss the "safe place" option so quickly, and that's speaking as someone who took that route, once.

What if the truck had had a rifle in it? Maybe you would have captured them without a fight, or maybe their driver was armed, and you'd be in a "safe place" now getting lead pulled out of you, or maybe out of your buddy or a bunch of unarmed Mexicans. Or worse, one or more of you dead.

It doesn't sound like sitting home alone is a "safe place" for you, right now.

What do you think?

[08hduc]

Mmm, yeah, I wouldn't dismiss the "safe place" option so quickly, and that's speaking as someone who took that route, once.

What if the truck had had a rifle in it? Maybe you would have captured them without a fight, or maybe their driver was armed, and you'd be in a "safe place" now getting lead pulled out of you, or maybe out of your buddy or a bunch of unarmed Mexicans. Or worse, one or more of you dead.

It doesn't sound like sitting home alone is a "safe place" for you, right now.

What do you think?

Not home alone today, wife is here.

As to your other question: had there been a weapon, in my altered state yesterday, and my friend not been there to take it away, I would probably have been on the national news. Having served 20 years in the USMC (1980 to 2000) as an 0311, I have done my share of using a rifle against human targets. Not bragging, but I do not think I would have hesitated or missed. That is why my entire collection of WW2 weapons is in a storage locker in town and I do not have either a key nor permission to access them. My decision when I started to slip into MH hell.

[malign]

Well, I was just expressing my concern.

Something about the way you talked about it made me think you'd know which end of a rifle to use; that was part of my concern.

How sure are you that your buddy could have got the rifle away from you, once you had it? After all, your friend-or-foe detector might be a little off, right now, from your own description.

My only point is to be careful, and it seems you're definitely trying.

Good luck.

[08hduc]

Well, I was just expressing my concern.

Something about the way you talked about it made me think you'd know which end of a rifle to use; that was part of my concern.

How sure are you that your buddy could have got the rifle away from you, once you had it? After all, your friend-or-foe detector might be a little off, right now, from your own description.

My only point is to be careful, and it seems you're definitely trying.

Good luck.

No offense taken. Thanks for the reply and concern. My friend is more of a co-worker than a friend. He takes pity on me because his father displayed a lot of the traits I am displaying and it costs his dad the rest of his life in prison. The guy is what they call a 1% biker. He is an outlaw and tells me all the time I am what he used to consider a target. Needless to say he could whip me on my best day. Especially with me being so medicated most of the time.

[Symora]

Wow, that does sound like a heck of a day! Do the episodes go away without the medication? You are so lucid about what is happening to you, that is so amazing to me. I find it incredible how display such extremist behaviour and then just go back to being your good old self within hours.... Is your wife concerned sometimes about her own safety? I only say that because you seem to go to a place where you want to seriously hurt people when you are in that zone...

[08hduc]

Wow, that does sound like a heck of a day! Do the episodes go away without the medication? You are so lucid about what is happening to you, that is so amazing to me. I find it incredible how display such extremist behaviour and then just go back to being your good old self within hours.... Is your wife concerned sometimes about her own safety? I only say that because you seem to go to a place where you want to seriously hurt people when you are in that zone...

The PA at the psych docs office says I have hyper cycling syndrome (his name, not an official diagnosis). The last time I was committed he came to do rounds and I was almost asleep so he went to someone else. When he came back I was being restrained for attacking staff for talking to me in Spanish. I figure you are in America so speak English. Once again he went to someone else. When he came back to see me I was telling the staff jokes and laughing, still in 4 point restraints. Happy as a crab in a shell. Total time, 30 minutes for 3 mental status changes.

One of my main triggers is law and order. Anytime I see someone breaking the law and/or order it sets me off. Even super small stuff. And living here on the Mexican border I see it multiple times per day. An example: exiting Wal-Mart you see someone change their kids diaper then toss the dirty onto the ground. Most people would just keep walking. I explode. I take it as a personal attack against me and go off into a tirade to my wife about border folks being animals. OK, we're home. Do I calm down? No! I stew about it for hours. Running scenarios through my mind where I have the offender in my power and do things like burning their eye balls with a torch, disembowelment, bone breaking, horrible sick stuff. Then like a pack rat that just saw the shine of a quarter I forget it all and either get fixated on the new object or go back to my old self like nothing ever happened.

Look at me right now. The family went to bed at 10 pm. I was asleep until 11:30 when some a-hole came down the street blasting his ghetto music. Now it's 1:30 am and I am too wound up to sleep because I am running sick scenarios through my head about maiming the a-hole and his crappy lowered down truck. BUT, I am still able to sit her and write this. Weird right!

About safety. Yes, my wife worries about me all the time. She text messages me several times per day to see how I am doing. I have been known to "blank out" and walk away from home then when I "blank in" have no idea where I am. The last episode I walked 5 1/2 miles then had no clue where I was. I knew I was on a street but nothing else. Even when I was able to find street signs and could tell her the names of the streets I had no clue what that meant. I had no idea where I was, though it is a main intersection and I know it well. Things were just a blank.

Do the episodes go away with meds? I would say no. Although I was stable for a long while, the past few weeks have been a ride on the whacky train.

Time to go. I just saw a fly on the ceiling that needs an attitude adjustment and I am just the guy who can do the adjusting.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi 08hduc....

Did the doc ever tell you what the "blanking out" was? Any PTSD diagnosis? sorry don't know if I read it in your past posts...

I understand the cycling and the anger and need for people to follow rules and laws. Wow what a coincident...huh???

I have PTSD stemming from other things as a child but it is also toward cops, men and manipulation and control and the inability to prosecute my perpetrators.

And I witnessed someone who was beaten and almost killed by testosterone and alcohol high detectives on a dark road in front of my house sent my PTSD into overdrive. They lied and got away with it so I know that correlates to my childhood courtcase and how that affects my view of things. But at least I now know what sent me to the hospital!!!!

What do you think about what the doc said?

Any plans on how you can get better?

Like I said before, I am really glad you are helping yourself and trying to figure out what you need to do to stay safe....

[08hduc]

Hi 08hduc....

Did the doc ever tell you what the "blanking out" was? Any PTSD diagnosis? sorry don't know if I read it in your past posts...

I understand the cycling and the anger and need for people to follow rules and laws. Wow what a coincident...huh???

I have PTSD stemming from other things as a child but it is also toward cops, men and manipulation and control and the inability to prosecute my perpetrators.

And I witnessed someone who was beaten and almost killed by testosterone and alcohol high detectives on a dark road in front of my house sent my PTSD into overdrive. They lied and got away with it so I know that correlates to my childhood courtcase and how that affects my view of things. But at least I now know what sent me to the hospital!!!!

What do you think about what the doc said?

Any plans on how you can get better?

Like I said before, I am really glad you are helping yourself and trying to figure out what you need to do to stay safe....

Oh I'm sure I have PTSD. I was a rifleman then machine gunner in the USMC for 20 years from 1980 to 2000. I was manning a fighting hole just outside the rear entrance of the multinational barracks in Beirut on Oct 23, 1983 when a suicide bomber blew the place to hell, killing hundreds. I spent 11 days digging my buddies body pieces out of the rubble then did street to street fighting for another year in down town Beirut. In 1988 I assisted with body recovery after the US shot down a passenger jet in the Persian Gulf (salt water recoveries are horrific). In 1989 I saw combat in Panama. In 1990 I was a machine gunner (0331) during the first Gulf War. Somalia in 1991 and again in 1995 then ended my career in Kosovo.

So yeah, I am sure I have some PTSD. If I ever get near a VA hospital I will use my benefits for treatment, but for now, the closest VA center is way up in San Antonio.

[Lindamomof7]

Yes I'm sure too. Is there any type of help you can get for the PTSD/dissociation?

Any counseling centers, support groups in your area?

Keep hanging in there!!!

[08hduc]

Yes I'm sure too. Is there any type of help you can get for the PTSD/dissociation?

Any counseling centers, support groups in your area?

Keep hanging in there!!!

I have Magellan Military Assistance Program (MAP) benefits but it is only telephonic counseling. I tried it 2 times then passed. Hard to connect with someone over the phone (I wonder how phone sex people can do it). The only local support group is funded/provided by a pro illegal immigration group from Reynosa Mexico. In my opinion their goal is to take returned American vets with PTSD and turn them into pro illegal immigration advocates against the US government. But since the group is across the river in Mexico they can do as they please.

[Symora]

Man, no wonder you have mental health issues! To be close to that type of danger and horrific scenes for 20 years is enough to send anyone over the edge. It is not a surprise that you have mental fantasies of maiming and hurting, you have seen so much of it during your life.... I admire your courage to have faced all of those things, I just find it a damn shame that anyone has to be exposed to such horrific things.... You are living proof of the consequences on the human psyche...

I hope they find a medication that works for you so that everyone can relax a little

[08hduc]

Symora, I just noticed you're a canukian. Your Army troopers crack me up. No matter what part of Canada they are from they always put "eh" after their sentences just to make the Americans laugh. It was like serving with Doug and Bob McKenzie for 2 years.

Here are a few canuk yuks I remember:

A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper" replied the guest.

_________________________________________________________________

An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

_________________________________________________________________

What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common? The taste.

_________________________________________________________________

Now back to my issues. Because this forum is all about me isn't it! Admit it, this is all about me!! I can hear your thoughts!!! Just kidding, I know it's just mostly about me

Yes, I hope they find a med that I can stabilize with. This OK right now, off my nut 5 min from now, then OK for an hour before going totally psychotic for a few hours is getting old. Everyone around me I think is tired of it to and I don't blame them.

[Symora]

A Canukian indeed And that's what we say about your beer, you can't steal that away from us, ehh!

And just to clear things up, this thread is about you, and only you, but the forum is for us all....

Hope you have a nice stable day today. Salut

[08hduc]

A Canukian indeed And that's what we say about your beer, you can't steal that away from us, ehh!

And just to clear things up, this thread is about you, and only you, but the forum is for us all....

Hope you have a nice stable day today. Salut

Guess I should not have quit drinking before I went to Canada. Oh well, who knew one day I would become a whack job:p

[malign]

I dunno, I don't think most of us get to see it coming.

What would you do with the heads-up, study to be a better whack job? :-)

You seem to be handling what you're going through with a fair amount of foresight and caution; you can't ask for much more.

[08hduc]

I dunno, I don't think most of us get to see it coming.

What would you do with the heads-up, study to be a better whack job? :-)

You seem to be handling what you're going through with a fair amount of foresight and caution; you can't ask for much more.

Your last sentence is my issue. Yes, right now, I have foresight and caution. At 1:40 this morning I woke my poor family when I opened one of our 2nd floor bedroom windows and tried to jump out, setting off the burglar alarm, because someone was yelling for me to get out of the house due to a fire.

Trouble is there was no someone and there was no fire, except in my head. Took me about 2 hours and 20mg Zyprexa IM to settle down enough that I wasn't a danger to anyone. I am so damn tired of going from Mr. normal to Mr. off his nut without any warning. Well even with warning, I don't want it to happen. I just have this deep feeling that one of these days I will not come back to Mr. normal and will be totally F'd for the rest of my life.

[Lindamomof7]

I sure hope you can find some relief from all of this. It is just down right dangerous for you. Any thoughts of maybe the meds are causing this for you? Or I hate to say this but maybe if you were in a hospital, they might be able to adjust/find the right meds while you and your family is safe??

I have had my share of hospitals so I know how difficult that would be but the safety issue for you is what I see. Just my thoughts here for you 08hduc....

[08hduc]

I sure hope you can find some relief from all of this. It is just down right dangerous for you. Any thoughts of maybe the meds are causing this for you? Or I hate to say this but maybe if you were in a hospital, they might be able to adjust/find the right meds while you and your family is safe??

I have had my share of hospitals so I know how difficult that would be but the safety issue for you is what I see. Just my thoughts here for you 08hduc....

Gawd Linda, I DO NOT want to go inpatient again. I hate that place! Everyone is nice and caring, but they are not proactive with the patients. Instead they wait until an issue has started then swarm in and you're in 4 points. I will be 100% honest, I have never been restrained without cause. But since the place is also a detox center the wannabe cartel thugs walking around with a chip on their shoulder trigger me pretty quickly and the first time they lay a finger on me I unload and wind up in straps. But you are right, that is probably the place I just might need to go for a while.

[Lindamomof7]

I knew you would react like that, I feel the same way.... But I do know I have to give up the ability to make that decision when things are unsafe. I guess I have gone through the different cycles too many times to NOT know that is what I need to do...

I think maybe the safety issue not only for yourself but what your family is dealing with that might tilt you in that direction. Just as you made the decision to go to a friends house, I think that maybe you might think about where else you can go.....

__________________

I know exactly how you feel about the appropriate place and triggers and it being worse. I have learned though to better communicate my concerns with the unit director of the least restrictive unit and that if anything comes up and they feel I need to go to the more restrictive unit then we really need to have a team meeting to discuss the trauma it will cause me. And I have a mental health directive that states my needs and concerns and treatment even as an inpatient.....

Are there any other hospitals you can go to? If not are you being put in the appropriate unit ?