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Is it wrong to be so damn angry - still


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Hey SweetSue

I don't think feelings are "wrong" they just are what they are.

My father was alcoholic (though not an abuser and nothing as severe as what you describe) and I hated him and was glad when he died.

Seems to me you are making yourself guilty for how you feel, as though there is a "supposed to" for feelings. Why should you feel it's your "duty" to mourn him or that you ought to be a "respectful daughter" after what he did? Those are stereotypes of what we think is the role of a daughter because we expect (and rightly so) to have a father who loves and respects us. And as a child we think our parents are always "right" and it screws with you very deeply when that is not the case, as with you. He doesn't deserve your respect and you have no such duty.

I think the discrepancy is between the father you had, and the image we all have of a nurturing father. At least so it is for me. Once I could separate out the two, I could mourn for the loss of the father I would have wanted, not for the one I got. You were wronged; being angry is a very normal, logical and understandable response. Don't make yourself wrong for it.

It's only recently (since my BP dx 2 yrs ago) that I've begun to view him differently, and he died 24 years ago. You bet after two years I was still very angry. I was also still very angry with my mom for enabling him and always saying there wasn't a problem and that my perceptions were wrong. That anger lasted a good 10 years, if not more. Only much later could I decide I wasn't going to give him any more of my good energy by getting angry and thus continue to let him rob me.

Cut yourself some slack. :) Wouldn't you say that, if you were a friend of yours? The same applies to you, you're not different in deserving that... You were wronged, don't keep wronging yourself. Let him rot in his grave. Slowly, slowly, you'll take back your power and he won't be able to control you any more. But that took me a heck of a long time.

Edited by Luna-
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Respect is something which I believe has to be earned. One must first give it to others in order to receive it. It seems as though your father did neither.

I just have so much anger and hostility toward him - still, but like what can I do with it all, theres nowhere for it to go,
Maybe embracing and allowing yourself to feel your anger freely will eventually release the grip and hold it has on you. Hopefully one day you will feel free enough to let your anger go and the energy and space which it has occupied may then be filled with other emotions.
Besides the truth is, even now all these years later papa still terrifies me, haunts my dreams, hes one of the voices constantly in my head, I would never of been strong enough to even be in the same room as him, let alone confront him. Im still just a coward. And it makes me so mad and angry with myself, that even now, he is still making my life impossible to handle.
Try and be gentle with yourself Sue. You answer only to yourself. Your father is gone now and, though the wounds he inflicted on you will remain, maybe now you may use this energy in a positive way as you move forward in life. You have a very kind spirit. This is something which I've often seen break through the depths of cruelty and abuse.
The evil that entered me back then, is just so apparent right the now, that seriously, I feel like my veins are that full they will burst. Oh I dont know, just somehow seems I should be sad that papa is gone, that its my duty as a daughter to mourn his exit from this world, no matter what my experiences of him were. But Im not sad that he is dead, the only tears I shed are ones of frustration, that even after his death, papa is still letting me know just how sick and evil I was and am.
Why give his opinion so much power, Sue? His actions and words don't define you. What I sense in you is a very kind and gentle soul who has been hurt and betrayed by those who were supposed to protect you. Try and not let yourself be denied. Maybe as you come to allow this anger and move through it, you will then feel all of the wonderful qualities that so many of us here on the boards have been embraced by time and time again.
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His words aren't the truth, Sue. One day you will come to realize this.

There can be nothing wrong with your feelings. It's okay to be angry.

You are so hard on yourself, Sweetsue. Maybe try treating yourself as you would a friend. You can be very comforting. Try and offer some of this comfort to yourself. You deserve kindness.

If this is too painful right now, go and look at some of the pretty photos on your blog. There are a lot of beautiful and peaceful things in this world. I enjoyed looking through them.

Take care, Sue.

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Guest GingerSnap

Sue: If you have to find a way to take a "break" from the thoughts when they start. You have to find some activity to take that "break" to, something you enjoy. If you are able to burn it off physically, that will help. You can't change the past. You have to accept that a power greater than you will deal with your father and that frees you up to move on. I have my own shadows and many people do but make your father stop haunting you by locking him out. He cannot take your happiness now unless you let him - you have the power. I know, all easier said then done but sounded like you needed a pep talk so I thought I would give it a shot. I do believe what I have said and I prayer you will find the strength within you to put your father in his place - dead to the world and in God's hands. I wish we go back in time and you would be my little girl and live happily ever after but, well, I haven't exactly worked out the time travel thing.

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Sue ,

if I may .. ?

When your papa passed ,, yes , he was old.

That you weren't able at that time to "dance on his grave" ,, there is still always time . If you feel it would do some good , or make the thoughts and dreams go away .

Darn that our psyche and dreams seem , in some instances to super-impose over one another .

Now to that " if I may " part .

Have ya ever when these thoughts , while awake , and fumming ,,,, have you ever been able to just check your chin to the air *snort a tiny laugh* ,,, and smirk ,,,, Then say >>> papa !!! I WON !! ,,,, You lose !!!!

I have my Family , and my Life ,, and what do you have ? .........

Then just shake your head , and know ya may have to confince yourself a few more times of this ,,,,, but ,,, that is why we always have tomorrows.

Take Sweet Care , Sue.



Edited by I_WMD
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