I'm drowning

[Calla]

I'm really struggling tonight, with so many things. So now I'm on my second bottle of wine. I don't understand why I am here. I don't even know what I expect people to say. Life is just so unfair and I hate it.

[malign]

I'm sorry that you feel so bad, tonight.

It's true that life is unfair. Our modern concept that everybody should have the same chances and equal justice and so on is relatively recent. The reality is that everybody is different, so that true "equality" isn't even a remote possibility.

On the other hand, it's exactly those differences that make each one of us special. I believe that each and every person has something to contribute.

[Calla]

I know what you mean. And to be honest I have recently seen a prog about Aids orphans.....and how lucky am I compared to them?! But even so that makes me feel bad....I feel bad for them and I feel guilty for feeling so bad about myself,

Do you think "Luck" is completely random....I mean good things don't happen to good people do they?

I just keep having very graphic images about suicide that just flash into my head. But when it happens I'm not so sure it is about ending my life but more about releasing the stress that has built up in my head.....does that make sense?

[malign]

Well, my point wasn't that there's one single scale from who has it "worst" to who has it "best". I had no intention of making you feel bad about feeling bad ...

I do think that what happens to a person, good or bad, is unrelated to whether that person is "good" or "bad" {words I dislike applying to people, anyway.} I think a person can do bad things, or good things, or a mixture that varies throughout their lives.

I spent quite a bit of time, fantasizing about suicide. Some of the images I would have were, well, graphic. In my case, which is likely to be different from yours simply because we're different people, the majority of it seemed to be me attempting to get my own attention, to deal with problems that I was ignoring, or pretending would go away. It's conceivable that your images are helping you to relieve stress, but you'd have to tell us. Do they seem to have that effect?

[Calla]

I feel now that you are always going to assume I am having a go at you but actually I was agreeing with you and in no way meant you had made me feel worse. But text is not a reliable form of communication.

All I can think about now is smashing my glass against my face. I have never self harmed but I want to scar my face and make it bleed. But I don't know why.

[Calla]

Sorry should I have said anything "triggering"...to be honest I don't know how?!

[malign]

You're right, Calla, text is not a very reliable way to read other people's emotions. I didn't think you were having a go at me. I just wanted to be more clear, that's all. I've never been angry with you about stuff that's been said here, by the way. I've made mistakes, myself, in trying to interpret what to say that would be the most helpful.

Are you angry at something? At yourself?

[IrmaJean]

Calla, you're safe here. Feel free to express yourself. It's all okay.

[Calla]

I was just agreeing really. Life is so unfair. I feel life has been unfair to me but also SO unfair to people born into poverty etc. I feel SO angry all the time and I can't help it. I do feel like I hate strangers often for no good reason.

I just hate people and hate life....so what is the point. I want my angst to show out almost, on scars on my face. People say the problem with mental illness is that people can't see it like a broken leg for example. But if I smash my face up then maybe people will get it....I am feeling very ill.

[Calla]

PS I don't really want to mention my suicide images because they are quite graphic and I don't want to upset anyone.

[IrmaJean]

Calla, we're listening. We hear you. I'm so sorry you're hurting.

[Calla]

All my problems come from relationships. Someone has told me how much they like me tonight and I turned into a bitch until they hated me. I do this all the time because I can't risk being hurt. Now I just want to not be here anymore. I can't let anyone near me. I know it's not helpful but I just think "why me?" I'm a good person what have I done to deserve feeling like this about myself. I want to stop being here.

[Calla]

I should point out I'm too much of a wimp to actually hurt myself and I'll be back tomorrow forgetting what I have said I hate myself sooooooo much.

[IrmaJean]

(((Calla)))

I think it's much more courageous to choose to live. I hope you will seek out help if you feel in danger. We don't want to lose you, Calla. Just like Malign said, I believe that all of us have something to offer. Your light matters.

[Calla]

Thank you. I don't know where to seek help? Why does crying have to be so unpleasant? It should just be a release of emotion but now I can't breath so well

I just don't know what to do about my stupid self.

[IrmaJean]

Go to a hospital or call 911. Actually if you've been drinking, a phone call would be best.

You're not stupid, Calla. You're a human being who is in a lot of pain right now.

[Calla]

I do still really want to hurt my face, I think I don't want anyone to like me again. If my face has been scarred they won't find me attractive. My life is so pathetic

[IrmaJean]

Is there something you can do to distract yourself? Put on some soft music? Make that phone call...

[Calla]

It's different here in the uk, I don't think they are as understanding here. Budget cuts and all that. They will tell me to talk to my gp (who is horrible)

[IrmaJean]

The UK... I don't know what might be different there. Is there an emergency system?

Maybe you could go outside and get some air. Try to do something to keep your mind off things for a bit.

Please be safe.

[Calla]

We have the samaritans. I would not dream of ringing our emergency services...I would prob be "sectioned" for years just for having a bad night.

It's dark outside, it's now 1am...otherwise that would be a great idea. Getting out of this place. I think tiredness makes me feel worse. I might go on my balcony and watch for shooting stars little pleasures. I'm sorry for being so melodramatic. I just couldn't stop crying but I have stopped now.

[IrmaJean]

I'm glad that you expressed yourself, Calla. No need for apologies. Little pleasures are wonderful, I agree. I hope you see some shooting stars. Take care of yourself, Calla.

[danni]

I calla,

I, too, am sorry you are having such a hard day. I completely agree with you about life being unfair. I spent 5 years working with orphans over seas and it was very heartbreaking to me to imagine someone not wanting those beautiful children. (95% of them have living parents.) There's not much we can do about injustice on that kind of scale. All we can do is start with ourselves.

We must be kind and take care of ourselves before we can offer that any further. You deserve that too. You deserve to treat yourself gently and kindly. You deserve kindness and respect from others. Is it always going to happen? Probably not but the kind of self sabatoge you describe is so very sad and you do deserve better than that.

I know it's hard to see all that when you are feeling as low as you are and especially after you've been drinking. So....let's break it down.... Can you name 3 or 4 things that you could do right now to keep yourself safe and work toward a better frame of mind? IrmaJean suggested a couple of things but what are those things available right now that you could engage in???

[Calla]

I've stopped drinking and turned to water (nature's best invention) ...I have just texted the man I was talking about and told him I suffer from depression (after all it's nothing to be ashamed of!) and now I am going to look for shooting stars and then try to sleep.

Like I said in another thread I have had a hard week and get tired easily which is the worst thing for me. But I also still really hate people liking me!

Thank you all for your support. I am starting to feel brighter.

[danni]

that's awesome calla,

those are all such positive things to do. You are worth it!

Have a good night