Blown it again :(

[Calla]

So there is this guy who I know and he keeps saying he likes me. He's younger than me and I'm not sure I would be able to trust him. But that aside last night he really opened up saying he really likes me etc and just wants to be with me. I kept saying no because I can't date and in the end admitted about my depression.

His first reaction was "snap out of it and come for a drink with me", I think this was a misguided attempt to help rather than meant with any malice!!

Anyway we talked some more and I just turned into a monster (again) until he ended up saying perhaps it's best we don't have any contact anymore.

I do it everytime But in a way I was doing it for his benefit. So he could get away from me without having to admit it was too much for him to handle. I gave him a "get out of jail free" card I guess.

This happens everytime someone gets near. Perhaps I should just not leave my flat anymore. But the loneliness is eating me up :confused:

[Symora]

I disagree, I think you need to continue to get out of your flat. If I may suggest that you not tell people about your deepest self too quickly, it scares people off.

I think getting to know someone is like peeling an onion. First you get to know their superficial selves, which is always their best self :-), but this encourages you to go back for more because they are so great! Then you get to know them a little more, and as people open up to each other they test out whether they can trust the other person with more and more personal things about themselves, they leave themselves more vulnerable. The people we feel the closest to are usually the people that we can be the most open with, the most ourselves with, but it often takes some time to establish the trust for this to happen.

Like you, I used to tell people too fast about my depressive tendencies, I think because I thought that in the end they would not like me anyway, so I would just skip to the end and save us both some heartache. Then I realized that I was doing both of us a disservice, and that it is false that all people end up hating me, so I pulled back on saying too much too soon. Now I wait for the relationship to ripen a little, I give us time to establish a rapport, a foundation of fun and sharing, and with time I determine if this is someone who can understand and be sensitive to the fact that I live with depression. Then I share it, but there are lots of people I do not share it with. That is sometimes a challenge when I'm in a mood, but people learn that I am a private person and sometimes I'm just not into socializing.

Do you see what I mean? Perhaps you are jumping to the perceived end too quickly, you have to give a chance to show people who you are in a more holistic fashion and you have to get to know them as well to see if you can trust them to be supportive Does that make sense to you?

[Calla]

Thanks guys. The thing is I have actually known him for 2 yrs and he has been "persuing" me on and off in that time. But it's 1 step forward 2 steps back as I can't make the next step. It's a slightly complicated story as I never do things easily!!! I can't let him too close, so we have got to know each other in bits and pieces. It's all a bit weird.

But for 2 yrs I have hinted that I am "not exactly normal" and don't live like other people. So I thought it would be fairly obvious by now. Anyway, he was saying how amazing I am and nice and funny....so he has got to like certain aspects of me....if you see what I mean. He said he still wanted to spend time with me regardless of my depression. It was then I turned into "evil Calla" as I call her!!! And yes I have ALWAYS pushed people away so I can prove they don't really like me....and of course they always go in the end because who wouldn't!? I mean I wouldn't put up with a man behaving like that.

I love the idea of bracelets....for all sorts of things, would be great. Save a lot of time!!! "ok that man is into exteme sports and never watches tv"...NEXT!!!

And what a scary suggestion to date several men at once!!! I mean I can't even find one, where do you find several!! I am too scared of people thinking I am ugly to go on blind dates. That is what most of my problems come down to. I mean what does a young attractive man want with an older ugly women? When he can pick up young slim pretty girls his own age? It makes me suspicious....maybe he thinks I have money (wrong!)

I just don't know what to do with myself on the dating front. Unless I find someone with a bracelet that says "the world's most understanding compassionate man, will put up with all types of emotions and not too worried about looks"

[Symora]

I understand better now too Calla. Man, bracelets would be so great! I wonder what mine would say though... <sucker, please take advantage of me> Even without a bracelet people seem to know that about me and I've never figured out how...

I too prefer the just meeting up with people informally, and hate the idea of <dating>, too much pressure in dating in find. I like the idea of just getting to know someone a little at a time by doing things together, that's much easier... I know my evilness comes out when I get scared, and I usually reject before I can be rejected too. Ahhh, the complexeties of insecurity, makes us do all sort of odd things doesn't it...

[Calla]

I'm feeling abit wounded by this today and want the world to stop so I can get off

I know that it's stupid because after all it was my fault really. So I've hurt myself....again. But at the same time if someone finally opens up to you about depression and then you stop talking to them, that just proves you don't care...right?

I always suspected he might be a bit of a "player" , so I was testing him I guess and he's proved me right. He was quite easy to scare off. I don't know what I expected really. I am actually looking for someone to save me to be honest. Pathetic I know but I can't do it on my own.

I need someone to shake me until the walls fall down...but I need them to just do it, I can't ask for it.....stupid idiot that I am

I can't hang out with anyone really. I have few friends so no "group" to hang with where I might meet people. The only reason I've had so much contact with him is because of where he works. Which also means we know some of the same people. And I don't really want people to know. I'm thinking of saying I made it up because I was drunk or something and it's not true. Or not sure whether to just leave it at that and hope he doesn't gossip about me, I'm sure he wouldn't.

Sorry I go on about my non existent love life but it just hurts to know I'm going to keep doing this everytime some one comes near me but it's a knee jerk reaction adn I can't help it

[IrmaJean]

Calla, how do you feel about this man? Is he kind and caring?

None of us are perfect and we all struggle from time to time. Knowing that you are depressed now doesn't mean you will always be depressed.

Maybe try not "knowing" you're going to do it? I think if you know, you will do it. Try trusting yourself and letting yourself just "be". It sounds like he really likes you. That's a good thing, right?

[Calla]

I'm on a mobile internet and it will suck up all my credit to watch that I'll have to look at it in the library....free!! Haha. But thank you, think I am beyond help though.

I don't feel so much depressed tonight as just "blue" does that make sense? There's a subtle difference.

I'm going to email him and say I was making it up. He isn't interested now anyway and it will put my mind at rest that he's not going to gossip about me.

Sometimes I know that things aren't a good idea but I get them into my head and can't rest. But I am actually quite good at giving other people advice. Not so good when it comes to myself. I still think I should make up another profile as someone else and reply to myself.

I would say "Now Calla, look at this realistically. You've opened up and he has abandoned you. Don't make contact with him, he's not worth it. Let him think what he likes and worry about YOU....because he clearly doesn't. If he tells people then so what? Are you ashamed? No, in the same way you wouldn't be ashamed if you had a physical illness. So if people find out and judge it is THEIR problem...not yours"

Man, I like doing that....I'm going to reply to myself more often!!

[IrmaJean]

Calla, you made me smile with that, but actually it's not a bad idea, you know? I like accessing the parts of myself that are kind, caring and accepting. Why not offer your own kindness to yourself? Sounds like a great place to start.

Maybe your friend will still respond. It's possible.

[Calla]

Calla, how do you feel about this man? Is he kind and caring?

None of us are perfect and we all struggle from time to time. Knowing that you are depressed now doesn't mean you will always be depressed.

Maybe try not "knowing" you're going to do it? I think if you know, you will do it. Try trusting yourself and letting yourself just "be". It sounds like he really likes you. That's a good thing, right?

It's a bit strange situation. He comes across sometimes as a "player" when it comes to women. But then other times lovely. I have seen him with old people (I know that sounds strange) and he is lovely and makes every single person feel special. But then he is young and I think that is a problem. Young men go out and play the field...it's nature. We've had a turbulant 2 yrs and I'm just not sure.

As I have briefly spoken on here before my first experience of a relationship has determined the rest of my life....for which I feel truly bitter I'm afraid....why me and all that!! :confused: But I know that given his not so clear reputation I would spend my time being paranoid but then I would be like that with anyone, even the most "wholesome" person. Actually the best time I have ever had was with a man who was a real "player" but I wasn't actually that bother about him....we had such a laugh because I didn't really care if we finished or he cheated. Crazy but I guess its a hurt the one you love type thing. I push them away because I realise they can hurt. A song I like has the line "love gives someone the power to hurt you again and again".....so thats why I run I guess.

[Calla]

Thank you....yes you are right. Feeling bad is not the time to contact someone. You know when you just want a reaction and so you feel you can't leave it. No patience I guess. But even if I emailed now (11.15pm here) he's not going to see it tonight, so best to wait. I'm just winding myself up from pity to anger (at him) which I think is a defence thing (well clearly it's his fault etc!) But then like I say he's a few yrs younger and if someone had landed that on me a few yrs ago I wouldn't know what to do. He might be giving me some space, or not sure what to say....or as is constantly on my mind he might be chatting up a young pretty girl....I cant help obsessing about that it's just ingrained. I#m not even sure I like him THAT much, I just get obsessed easily about things.

And I know I shouldn't keep apologising but it seems so trivial but i just feel hurt

But I LOVE replying to myself to be honest!!! I may do that more but will have to explain what I am doing!!

[IrmaJean]

Calla, the more I think about that, the more I think it's a wonderful idea. It will get you thinking about the best ways to take care of yourself and how to have your needs met. Sounds like a great way to take care of yourself to me. Great idea, Calla!

[Calla]

Thank you....I like the idea. I will just have to explain at the start of each post what I am doing maybe. Because anyone who hasn't seen this will wonder what is going on!! Although as always I may give the advice better than I take it!! But sometimes it helps to put it in a different perspective. You know when sometimes you KNOW what you SHOULD do and what you would tell others to do but something deep inside overrides it and you just carry on feeling bad. Maybe this way I can get my "rational" voice to really have a dialogue with my instinctive "ranting" hurt voice. Or is that all a bit weird!? Well weird or not I'm going to give it a try!

[Calla]

Yes, the best thing to do RIGHT NOW is not to give him another chance to hurt you. if you write and and he doesn't respond you're going to be hurt even more. Better wait. You could work on an online dating profile to keep yourself occupied so you don't think about him and tomorrow you can go to the library and join a free dating site and then watch my link. We're here for you. you deserve much better.

Thank you, I know you are right. And I should leave "him" for now.

I have an online dating profile but funnily enough this is another problem which has come up for me. I have done a few bad things (is that bad english!) on there. I talk to someone for ages, get quite close and then become evil again so they won't want to meet me. I'm so ugly that I can;t face meeting anyone. So I "turn" on them. I have hurt so many people but it's all because I'm so scared. I can;t face anymore rejection so I don't give them a chance. The idea of being beautiful/ugly is sooooo cruel because unless you can afford surgery there is nothing you can do. You can study or train to become more employable or practise to become more skilled at something. But image takes money and I resent being the ugly one. It's ruined my life.

[Calla]

Ok I'm going to have a go at answering myself....so here goes.....

Calla, it seems to me that there are several levels to this. You have a deep routed feeling that this man is not really the sort of person who is going to be able to be there for you or "cope" with some of your "issues" (for want of a better word) and maybe sometimes instincts are worth listening to, after all you know him and his history. Is your health and happiness worth risking on this one person? There are about 3 billion men in the world and that man with the "most considerate bracelet" maybe out there somewhere. Do you really want to stake your happiness and "saving" on a man who makes you suspicious of his intentions?

And if he really really likes you, as he says, where is here now? Is he worried about how you feel after your revelation? Or is he out getting drunk and having fun?

As you know you have a high level of "defending the underdog" so don't want to feel badly about this man. So lets be fair to him.....he is young and that brings with it different things. He is energetic and fun....BUT he is perhaps unable to deal with the things you go through and is more interested in going out and partying....this is not something to blame him for. Thats what you were like a few yrs back...it's just a maturity and experience thing. Good for him, going out and enjoying himself.

What you have to remember is that he liked YOU and your REAL shine through personality. And ok, some other stuff got in the way....but please remember he liked YOU as he knows you. So this is not a rejection, this is just something that didnt gel in this way and at this time. You have no reason to feel this makes you unattractive....if you were this wouldn't have happened in the first place....thats the truth.

Give yourself a break, restock and learn. You are worth loving but it just takes a certain person and a certain amount of luck. Deep down Calla I love you and someone else will too, you just need to give them a chance

[Calla]

SHUT UP...you don't know what you are talking about!!! .....no seriously that was just my little joke....which I always do when I am nervous!! That may have seemed stupid but that was amazing and made me cry....in a good way. I do love myself, I'm just too scared at the moment to let anyone else do it too.....I didn't really realise that until it came out on the page. (I still think I am a bit ugly but I now have something to work on)

[IrmaJean]

I do love myself, I'm just too scared at the moment to let anyone else do it too.....

That you love yourself is really wonderful to read, Calla. That's a beautiful thing that will go a long way toward helping you through life's challenges. Allow yourself to feel that by nurturing yourself too. I've always found writing to be very helpful in processing my feelings and coming to understand myself better. Awesome job, Calla. You're so insightful.

[Calla]

Thank you. I'm feeling of scared of it at the moment (bizarrely) maybe being tough on myself is deeply ingrained. But there are things about me which I think I forget. Nice things. I just need to hold onto that. And it's just gonna take time, maybe years to find someone I trust to love me and not hurt me. I wish I could rewrite history and so I wouldn't be here....but hey, you know what? I can't so I have to write or rewrite my future and just hope that it's going to be brighter than my past. But hey, I'm feeling good at this moment and as we all know it may not last. But holding onto the bright moments may make each one last that little bit longer

[Symora]

LOL, that shup up thing was so funny .... I was really impressed with that self-talk, it was extremely lucid and insightful, and it worked to make you feel good about yourself. I think that was probably a good example of how we should in fact talk to ourselves ... although I go to <shup up> pretty quickly when it's positive self talk ... I'm going to have to try that too.

[Calla]

It is hard work. It's going to take time to reinforce it to myself. It didnt take long to start feeling angry and thats why i came back. He is the first "real" person I have told about my depression EVER! and he's run away. So I have an overwhelming feeling of wanting revenge or to vent anger. But it's not going to help. Talking to myself again...You have made a start by opening up to one person. Ok so it didn't go so well this time, but it's going to take a few frogs to find the prince right? Revenge is never going to make you feel better. If he is not bothered about you then he is not bothered and so is not worth the effort of revenge. You're effort is much more worthwhile invested in yourself and you feeling better.

Man, I am going to take some talking to!! Like you say Symora it's so easy to go to "shut up"!!! But then like we say nothing worth working for it easy hey!?

[Symora]

My thing is that I can do it when nothing much is happening at the emotional level. But then if I live something like you did with this guy, then my insecurities start taking up all the room, and I can't seem to be able to hear anything else for awhile. I wish I could learn how to nip that right in the bud ...

[Calla]

Yeah I know what you mean. It hurts right now. But it will get better. I don't know what I expected really. Someone to scoop me up in their arms and tell me everything will be ok now. Sadly life isn't like that.

I guess I need to "regroup" before I start analysing myself again But I do know from vast experience that "this too will pass" so I just wait for that.

[Calla]

Man it feels so much worse today

I thought it would get better. Maybe just becauses it's becoming clearer that he is not going to get in touch. That hurts a lot.

Maybe I should have just gone out and had a laugh even though there was a good chance I would get hurt. I just don't want to risk being sent on a downward spiral when it all goes wrong. But then maybe a few months of fun and distraction would have been worth it? Oh yeah too late to wonder about that now

[Calla]

I just popped into town and I saw him...he didn't see me. Furiously texting on his phone...no doubt his next conquest. He obviously had no real feelings for me. But I feel like someone has just punched me in the stomach real hard

I'm so dreading when he is next at work and I can't avoid him. This has really hurt me and taught me not to open up

[Calla]

Sorry I kept going on about this guys. It may seem very trivial on a mental health forum. But normally people would go and meet their mates and have a good moan about their love lives. But I don't have many friends and those I do have I see once every few months. I think if I had friends to gossip with it would be more in perspective, instead it gets built up in my head to this huge life crushing thing.

So, in a way, it is detrimental to my mental health. I was getting physical ill symptoms last 2 days. But sometimes I reach a crisis point where I start making myself ill and then my body says "ok, enough, lets sort you out". So I had a good night's sleep last night and I'm feeling a bit better about all this.

Just because he's not "the one" or even "a one" doesn't mean anything. It's not the end of the world as my brain has been telling me for the last few days. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

Anyway sorry for babbling about this so much.

[Calla]

I emailed the guy just to explain a bit and try and clear the air. And I just got one back saying not to contact him again...says it all really. He thinks I am a deranged stalker. Thats not someone who had feelings for me is it?

Bit difficult when he works somewhere I go a lot. Oh the shame