Luna- Posted June 27, 2010 Report Share Posted June 27, 2010 I’m sorry, this is long. A friend of mine is having a joint exhibition in our local art centre and a few days ago she asked me to think about having an exhibition of my own at the same time, in one of the other rooms in the art centre. The idea is that more exhibitions = more people coming through. This would be in October.Yikes! OMG! Ack! Can I put a SOLO exhibition together??? I’ve only ever sent work to other group exhibitions. Do I have enough? Can I figure out how to set it up? Can I… Do I… Should I… Will I… Do I want to….?Here is the issue and the reason why I ask:I am trying to find the balance between setting realistic goals I can achieve and over-reaching which courts failure. I KNOW there are no certainties, but I want to be realistic about this and not just set myself up for more illness. The thing is with my bipolar being so unstable (as it still is) is that I have NO IDEA how I will be in October. I could be flying high and able to take on the world. I could also be bottom-feeding in the Pit. If the latter, an exhibition will feel insurmountable and I may well have to back out. I HATE committing myself to something and then having to back out because I simply cannot cope with it. It has happened SOOO many times. I’m now afraid to commit to anything more than a few weeks in advance and even a few weeks is dicey. My pdoc is weaning me off the Efexor. Well I knew that was coming. Efexor is making me rapid-cycle and has probably destabilised me, but I am on it because it’s the only thing that lifts me out of depression. It does this by switching me, which is seriously Not Good. But she says I must come off it as quickly as possible as it's worsening my future. So by October I could be horribly depressed again and back on the agonising hunt for the NEXT drug that will help the depression without making the cycling worse. I don’t even want to think about it.I cannot project into 3 months time. I cannot know how I’ll be. The rate at which I now cycle and the Efexor-weaning-off would predict a depression looming, unless something else can intervene. And now I don’t know what to do!1. I could just say no. Certainly the easiest, safest and low-risk-est. But it is an opportunity and I will feel SO sad at having to let ANOTHER one go by, because of the stupid bipolar, which has already robbed my life of so much. I don’t want to say no. But If I DO crash by October I will be very glad I said no. I get horribly incapacitated when depressed.2. I could say yes. OMG! That makes me feel SO SCARED. Granted, it would be exciting just having a solo, even if I sold nothing. I could carry the cost of an exhibition. I need the money, but I’m not in this for the money. It would be the fulfilment of a very long-held dream. Saying yes could also precipitate the next cycle, most likely will.But saying yes, brings up this whole issue of goals and over-reaching for me. I have a (pretty much life-long, since it went undetected and untreated for so long) pattern of starting things with great gusto in mania and then having to abandon them in depression when getting out of bed is a major feat. I DON’T want this to be one.If I say yes, is this a goal I can reach for? Could having that goal spur me on, or could the pressure make me relapse? I’m battling so much with not over-reaching. But I need attainable goals to get my confidence back, about handling pressure, about functioning, about going somewhere in my life. How does one decide something like this, when bipolar is such an issue? Stress does horrible things to me. Seven years of coordinating very stressful clinical drug trials led to my all-fall-down around two years ago. I’m just getting back on my feet. I need to win at something, for my confidence’s sake. Achieving this would mean so much to me. Even if I pay for it afterwards, which I may well do. I need to strive for something or I fear I will sit around waiting to die. But how I know how much is too much? I wish it wasn’t such a steep gradient. I feel stuck between Yes and No, there isn’t a Maybe and I can’t see a Mid-Way.Please, I need input. I want to say yes. But it terrifies me. And there is a significant chance the pressure and stress and the fear of having to back out because I simply cannot get even the basics done, could drive me into depression before the exhibition. Do I risk it? How can I insure myself against it? Can I even insure myself against it? It doesn’t help that I’m on the manic side atm and would make a reckless decision because I feel pretty able right now. As I am now, it’d make me anxious for sure (who wouldn’t be?) but I think I could handle it. But I can become a basket-case and struggle to look anyone in the eye, let alone have people looking into my soul in my art.It’s that I don’t know who I’ll be tomorrow. Or rather what mood state I’ll be in. And I don’t yet have enough control over the stability. Just thinking about it is making my stomach churn. And if I back out after committing it’ll feel like another nail in my bipolar coffin. The exhibition is really a metaphor. I will have to make the same decision over and over again the rest of my life: can I handle this?How much reaching is too much and how will I know? Can anyone recognise this kind of situation? How do you weigh up what to do, so you can make a decision? What do I do? I would really appreciate opinions, suggestions, advice, viewpoints, comments, any kind of input, please? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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