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can't take it


Endlessnight
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I'm not writing here because I am afraid I might do something to myself; i'm writing because it's the only outlet I have and I feel so bad right now. I was at work when my nephew called me to tell me something; seems his father (my brother) has gone off the deep end and is shouting at everyone in the house, and it seems it's all my fault, as usual. I won't go into the details of why or what happened, wouldn't do much good even if I did, he gets these fits over nothing at all. I didn't want to come home when I heard him screaming over the phone as my nephew was talking to me. I wanted to die right then. I've been through this so many times with him. It's why we don't speak. I feel that he resents even the fact of my breathing 'his' air. I dont want to feel this way. I dont want to feel so worhtless and useless and like everything I do is wrong. As soon as I got home I ran into my room and I started typing this. I don't want to see him. I dont want to hear him shouting at everyone because of me. oh God please help me. I don't want to go on. I'm not writing this because I am asking for help. I just need to get it out. It hurts so much to feel this way.

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... and I'm listening... it's an awful situation to be in.

Can you hold onto "he gets these fits over nothing at all" ie, maybe you don't have to feel useless because he's gone on another of his fits...? I do understand the shouting is horrible, though.

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Thank you for listening, Luna. I know that he gets this way over nothing, my brain knows that it's not my fault; but I dont feel that. I feel awful. You don't know how he can get when he gets mad. Everyone in the house suffers. He makes me feel that I can't do anything right; that nothing I do can ever be right. I feel like dirt right now and I know, I know I shouldn't, but I do. I hate the way he makes me feel!

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That't exactly how I get...I cower. I hate, hate, hate arguments and shouting. He has stopped shouting now, and he would come into my room if he wanted to yell at me but he hasnt so far.

I still feel like I've done something wrong when I know I haven't. That's the problem. He gets over these things; I don't. Every time this happens I get so anxious, so afraid, I just want to hide somewhere. I wish I didn't feel this way Luna. I wish I didn't let him make me feel this way.

Sometimes I wish I were a man. I want to beat him and keep on beating him until he hurts as much as I do. :P

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Have things calmed down Endless. I can only imagine how difficult your situation must be. I think most women are like that when men go off. Some guys need to vent steam with anger, but we absorb the anger and the bad vibes and it takes us a while to move on. I also detest any kind of crazy anger around me now ... drives me batty. When I went to see my daughter in England we all went to the theatre one night. Her husband is a hyper type and as soon as we got out of the theatre he rushed off to get a cab. But he left so fast we did not know what he had done, and looked and looked for him, and when he came back my daughter was mad and it was instant fireworks. They were both livid within seconds and going at each other. I kept trying to calm one and other down, but they were in that space and by the time we got to the subway I ended up breaking down into sobbing, just could'nt help it. They never fought around me for the rest of the week though... :P

How come you are the centre of the drama, and the family calls you at work? Seems to me it should be up to his wife to calm him down and try to get some sense into him. Sounds like perhaps the family has bought into his drama and tirades. He sounds like an unhappy man... is he struggling with the life he ended up in as well?

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Hello, Endlessnight.

Your situation reminds me of my childhood. My stepfather went off on tyrades just like you are describing. I think I understand how you feel. I used to feel so trapped and afraid, even though he was never physical, he used to tower over me and scream and yell and cuss at me and call me all kinds of terrible names. I used to walk on eggshells all of the time. I think I have some ptsd from it, as I am very easily startled and have terrible anxiety and depression. I,too used to hide in my room,wondering when or if he would come in and start on me. I know now it was not my fault, even though I suffer the psychological consequences of his actions. He was a sick man and needed help. I sincerly hope that you find your way out of this frightening situation.

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I'm glad that I saw this thread...was going to go even to the extent of forming a new 'alias' to log in under. Husband does (and is doing) this very thing. It can be good sometimes, much of the time it can be very, very bad....hurtful to kids 14,11,3,1 and me. At times I think I can make it, times I feel kids and I need to go to feel safe and happy...but nowhere to go and no means to do so. I am stuck even if I ever wanted to make a change.

Just hope any damage done, between them living with his tirades and my occasionally BP mood swings is reversible, overcome-able. I hate feeling powerless and stuck. I hate my kids have to see and hear him like this...I hate having to listen to his venomous rantings. Wish I could help, have tried for 15 years, maybe enough is enough. He even says everyone would be better off if he were elsewhere sometimes.

According to him: If only 'everyone would quit being stupid' aka be and behave perfectly 'the I'd be just fine'....Well, buddy 'perfect' isn't going happen anytime soon, we try the best we can and if not good enough...well???....If perfect and everyone doing what exactly he thinks is what it takes to be happy with him, I don't know if that will ever happen.

The worst of it is venting about his work, friends, family, past, every little thing in his life (last 39 years) will set him off for the night. I am tired!!! I don't want to have to tell my 3 year old she can't go around threatening to 'punch you in the face' when she's mad etc. and worried because she thinks he father is cussing me out when in fact he's just on a venting tirade next to me, toward someone not even in the car or conversation. Just a frustration he pulled out of air to go off on.

He refuses help. He feels he is in the right and anyone who doesn't get him can 'f--- off'...I do get where he is coming from as much as someone can. However that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt to live through some of the crap he puts me and kids through. Agg.

UGGG. At least there is knowing I am not alone. (Hopefully he doesn't decide to read up on the board because he'll know right who I am.:P) Thanks for letting me share.

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Hi everyone. Thank you for your posts. It may sound strange, but just knowing that you are not alone, and that other's know what it's like helps in some way I think.:)

Symora, my brother is happy here but he has a huge chip on his shoulder regarding me. He has always resented me.

I was called at work because it was something I did that set him off. I called the caretaker of our apartment building to get me an electrician to fix something. I did this because my brother refuses to do anything for me or anyone else actually. Anyway my brother went 'off' because he considered what I did a slight to him, even though he won't do anything himself he screamed at his wife (I had told her I needed an electrician a couple of days ago), his kids, everyone. My nephew called me to call the caretaker not to bring the electrician and I heard my brother screaming at everyone in the background. It affected me so much my students asked me what was wrong; I was shaking. I don't know how I got through my last hour of teaching I was so upset. This is a common theme of his; find something I (or someone else, but usually me) have done to twist around and make a big problem of. This has brought up so many issues. When I think of how his behaviour is affecting his kids it makes me cry. I used to try and talk to him and to his wife about this and other, similar things, but it only made them both mad at me and for years we didn't speak (my brother and I still don't speak).

Seems to me it should be up to his wife to calm him down and try to get some sense into him. Sounds like perhaps the family has bought into his drama and tirades.

That is true Symora, but, as I said, I gave up trying to talk some common sense into him and her because all it got me was pain. I keep my distance now.

Could a Social Worker help, Endless? This is not a tolerable situation

There are no such things here, Finding, and yes, it is intolerable.:P

I used to walk on eggshells all of the time. I think I have some ptsd from it, as I am very easily startled and have terrible anxiety and depression. I,too used to hide in my room,wondering when or if he would come in and start on me. I know now it was not my fault, even though I suffer the psychological consequences of his actions. He was a sick man and needed help. I sincerly hope that you find your way out of this frightening situation.

Thank you, Tobe. My brother is a sick man also, but he will never admit that or get help.

very, very bad....hurtful to kids 14,11,3,1 and me. At times I think I can make it, times I feel kids and I need to go to feel safe and happy...but nowhere to go and no means to do so. I am stuck even if I ever wanted to make a change.

Dahli, we are in the same situation.

Just hope any damage done, between them living with his tirades and my occasionally BP mood swings is reversible, overcome-able. I hate feeling powerless and stuck.

It makes me so sad to think of what all of this has done to his kids. I know they are not my kids, and he has told me often enough to mind my own business, but my heart aches for them because even though he no longer physically abuses them or me, his verbal abuse can be very damaging. I hope any damage done to his, and to your kids is reversible, as you said. My heart goes out to you, I know how awful it feels to be powerless to do anything. :)

Take care everyone.

(Sorry this is so long)

Edited by Endlessnight
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I have a family member who has moments like these too. It is very difficult to deal with and causes a great deal of stress and anxiety. I hate yelling too. ;) One thing I've recently discovered is that these explosions of anger on his part have very little to do with me and everything to do with him. His anger is a defensive response that protects other feelings. All about him. Of course knowing all of this doesn't make listening to the screaming any easier, but this behavior doesn't have the same demeaning effect on me now as it had in the past. I don't know if any of this is helpful to know or not, Endless, but do know that you are not alone.

Do you take pleasure in any activities which help to relax you after such an event? I hope you are feeling better today.

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Hi Luna. Things are calmer today, mostly because he is still asleep. ;)

(He is on his summer holiday and sleeps until four pm.)

Yes, I've left my old job. Now I am only working two hours a day at my new job until after Ramadan is over when I hope to be able to work more hours. I like my new job but am having a hard time with the grammar part of our lessons. Grammar has never been a strong suit of mine.:)

Hi IrmaJean,

One thing I've recently discovered is that these explosions of anger on his part have very little to do with me and everything to do with him.

I guess I know that applies to him also,I know it's him, not me. At least a part of me knows.

Of course knowing all of this doesn't make listening to the screaming any easier, but this behavior doesn't have the same demeaning effect on me now as it had in the past.

I wish I were able to say the same IrmaJean. I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I always end up feeling so powerless, so afraid, so demeaned that I do blame myself.

I know he would be happy if I weren't living with him, and I would be too, but I have no where to go. My family won't let me live alone, an unmarried women can't, and I have no other sister or brother to turn to.

Do you take pleasure in any activities which help to relax you after such an event? I hope you are feeling better today.

I am usually a wreck for a couple of days after these things occur. I can't concentrate on anything. All I want to do is hide in my room. I dont even want to go to work though I know I have to.

I'm sorry i'm going on and on like this; I know it sounds like i'm making a mountain out of a molehill but I want to be able to feel safe. Safe in the sense that I don't have to walk around on eggshells, safe in the sense that I dont want to be afraid that anything, anything I do might cause problems or set him off, safe so that I know I can feel a part of their life and not be the outcast, the one to be looked down on, the one without a husband, the one to be resented and hated. :(

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Endless,

I agree with Luna. You are in an abusive situation. You live in such a different culture that I guess there is not much you can do about it?

Allan

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Do you think it would be helpful at all to understand why your brother behaves as he does?

Anger is often a secondary emotion, which is used to protect oneself from having to deal with other emotions that are more painful.

I don't know what the specific cause of your brother's anger is, but more than likely it has everything to do with him... his feelings, his poor coping skills, his inability to express himself in other healthier ways. I agree that the situation is abusive and considering any of this offers no excuses for his behavior. But hopefully it does help a little for you to know that this isn't really about you.

Maybe you can be proactive in being a wonderful aunt to your brother's children, which I have no doubt that you already are. This won't erase the effects of your brother's behavior on them, but it may make a positive difference for both them and you.

What is it about the yelling that you think is most upsetting? Maybe if you can get to the source of that, you can find some way to manage your feelings so that this doesn't feel so painful for you.

Take care, EN.

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Hi IrmaJean.

But hopefully it does help a little for you to know that this isn't really about you.

Mentally I guess I know it's not all about me, but emotionally I don't. Plus I know he resents the fact that after my father died he was stuck with me. He has a lot of issues with me; it would take too long to even start to go into them here, there are too many arguments and misunderstandings between us. And I know I am not the easiest person to get along with having been depressed for so many years, sometimes my behaviour towards him has been wrong. Now that I am older I realise that, and I regret many things. But though I have tried to make peace between us he won't agree to it. He constantly drags up things that happened between us, even when we were children. He seems even more unable to let go of the past than I am.

Maybe you can be proactive in being a wonderful aunt to your brother's children, which I have no doubt that you already are. This won't erase the effects of your brother's behavior on them, but it may make a positive difference for both them and you.

I love my nephews and nieces. I would give my life for them, to protect them, if I could. When they were younger I used to love taking them out to the mall where there was an amusement arcade; or buying them things. I felt happy giving them some happiness. He twisted that and said I did it because I was a show off and that I didn't love them at all. Sometimes he would refuse to let them go anywhere with me. Times he would not let them even enter my room, and would hit them if they spent too much time with me or didn't leave my room quickly enough if he called them. :) It hurt so much, I felt my heart would break. :)

What is it about the yelling that you think is most upsetting? Maybe if you can get to the source of that, you can find some way to manage your feelings so that this doesn't feel so painful for you.

I'm not sure why his yelling upsets me so much; maybe because when he used to do that I would answer him back which only made him madder and then things could get physical; he wanted to break my spirit and he succeeded.

All arguments scare me, and make me want to hide. Part of that going back to my childhood I guess.

but this behavior doesn't have the same demeaning effect on me now as it had in the past. I don't know if any of this is helpful to know or not, Endless, but do know that you are not alone.

If you can IrmaJean, please tell me how you learned to not let it demean you. And yes, it is helpful, and thank you so much.

:) Thank you, everyone.

Edited by Endlessnight
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I don't know anyone in Istanbul, but I would like to rent a helicopter and go kidnap you :D Seriously, it's obvious that you're in a challenging situation and my heart goes out to you.

The way I ended up detaching from the effects of the men who have have been abusive to me in my life was to truly see them for the angry and selfish people that they were. Then I almost saw them as children throwing temper tantrums and I did not take it so seriously. Detachment when someone is screaming at us is not easy, and sometimes that detachment can be infuriating for them, but eventually they peter themselves out and you have peace again for a while. But you know that I guess since you stopped responding to him a long time ago... Do you have any other relatives you could go live with, like an old aunt, or an old person that you could take care of and have some peace with?

Edited by Symora
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My thinking is that we may each find our own methods of coping with stress that works best for us as unique individuals.

I understand where the behavior comes from now. I see the patterns and know what the acting out means. Understanding this is what took the demeaning effect away or, at least, greatly lessened the impact it had on me. I am not responsible for it. It belongs to him. Knowing this helped me a great deal.

I hope that you find ways to manage this situation so that it is less painful for you, EN. Take care.

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