Getting tired

[JustTrying]

Here is a quote from a Bipolar Blog...

It is interesting that bipolar is called a “mood disorder” but is treated at a behavioral health clinic. If you think about what the “disorder” is for people around a person with depression, mania, hallucination, and delusion, it is the behavior that is the problem. Does it matter if I hallucinate all day long if my behavior does not bother anyone or myself? Does it matter if I am manic or depressed if my actions are completely under self-mastery?

Tom Wooton

The link to the whole thing is here

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipolar-advantage/2010/09/mood-vs-behavior-disorder/

Perhaps this is just my issue... but I FEEL that every time I post anything I get attacked. It does not matter if I am nice or not.... I think I am entitled to my opinions just like you all are.

Somethingorother.... or what ever their handle is ... attacked me over nothing.... saying that all I talk about is my experiences..... well like I said... DUH? What else am I suppose to talk about? I thought my original post to peter was well thought out. and I TRIED to word it well.... I am not good at communicating.... but I did TRY to word it well.... and most people accepted that... even if Peter did not agree with me but that was ok.

When I come here and post .... I want to hear other peoples opinions... because I KNOW I have a mental illness and that sometimes I may need to rethink things... that does not mean that I have to agree with what the other person says... but If I was not looking for other opinions I would just talk to myself.... WE always agree in the end!

Honest opinion... I do not really think I am going to change too much... I have tried to control my temper and my words and thought I was doing good.... Now I will grant after I got mad I got a little carried away.... but that is part of me....

Would it just be best to not post??? If I am going to get attacked etc... every time I say something then it is probably better for me.

I do not need the stress.

My way of telling my opinion is by saying what I have been through .... If I have not been there, then how do I have the right to comment? Like some of you all post on things you have not a clue about... but I have learned to let that go... you have the right to your opinions.... everything I disagree with does not have to be an issue.

Anyway I FEEL unliked.... more than some for some reason.... I know in a community some will like you some won't but ..... I just wish the ones that don't would lay off me... it is like they wait for me to post just so that they can criticize...

OK I vented..... and did not cuss once!!

JT

[JustTrying]

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipolar-advantage/2010/09/mood-vs-behavior-disorder/

another good link... describes me to a tee.....

" I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend your right to say it till my death"

JT

BTW if you are not allowed to post links ... just let me know... I do not know that rule on that.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

The original thread has been moderated, so for the record:

If you find this post „JT, the point is that you know what you're talking about, because all you talk about is your own experiences, and you can't know if they are at all close to the ones the girl had“ offensive, feel free to report it.

It was a reply to posts which have been moderated away, in which you talked about your traumatic experiences and then told the original poster that he's „full of shit“.

[JustTrying]

I did not remember THAT until this morning... I remember Peter saying that his child had went to private school etc and I responded to it... did not remember me telling him was full of shit....

Found out yesterday that my "privileges" had been took away.. news to me... but any way since it was deleted... I have no way of knowing what I said .... I remember parts ... of it .... like dang it ... do not want to start any thing... so I will just say... that I do KNOW that Peter and his wife love his daughter and want the best for her... Forget all the BS... the thought I WAS TRYING to get across in my bad way .... was that maybe he needed to handle it different.

I am sorry.... I have not the excuse of being drunk anymore ... because I do not drink often and when I do I am not on the internet, phones or CB.... I stay to myself.... but I do black out.... I dream and do not know if it was real or not.... I Zone out some times.... and just want to be left alone.

Guess I am real stupid... but I do not want to take the meds.... they are bad for me.... seroquil is GREAT ... except for the fact that it will make me obese like my mother.. I took care of her until she died... had to have a CRANE to pick her up out of the bed... I cannot do that... Lithium will hurt my liver and or my kidneys over time.... I am all into health....

But I would post my life story or blog it ... if I thought there might be ONE person that would relate or know about it and could give me some good advice.... YES I KNOW in my heart that meds are the only way to go.... but I just can't right now/.....

Sorry for all the trouble I cause....

JT

[Lindamomof7]

Hi JT

I have sort of been following some of the past issues you have had with replies over the last few months and just catching up on this thread as I just came out of the hospital.

I know our dialogue has always been good but this thread seems to maybe sum up the problem??

From what I can see JT I know you always try and say how you feel and support others. But as you see I guess there are times when you are really not feeling well or maybe drinking so some of your posts might not seem to come across to others as you want.

This might be the right time to really think about how your drinking and being drunk has affected your life and even your online community. If its not from drinking and you say you black out, zone out do you think those are the times you maybe post and it ends up in the moderators hands?

I am no means critisizing here, this is sort of my advice? I am just thinking I know you frequently say you dont mean how the words come across or that you dont remember what you wrote so maybe this is why you feel conflict here.

Believe me I have had my share of scruffy posts myself and like you said, we all have our issues and having a mental illness is tough on everyone...

I hope things go better for you because i do think you are a good person looking for help, support or advice and we all could use that at some time.

I didn't see the other post that was deleted with your cursing but like I said maybe some insight on how you are feeling and maybe try not to post till you are feeling better? I know in the past we talked about you having some good people in your life to help you through these times for when you drink or don't feel well. Have you been able to find some help?

Why can't you take meds? Are they just not working or are you afraid of the side effects?

Have you talked to your Dr about it?

[IrmaJean]

Perhaps this is just my issue... but I FEEL that every time I post anything I get attacked. It does not matter if I am nice or not.... I think I am entitled to my opinions just like you all are.

I agree that you are entitled to your opinions, as all of us are. It's in the manner of expression of this. When one expresses their own personal opinion, one attempts to do so with respect to the other person's opinion/feelings as well. I am not trying to direct that specifically at you, but I do feel it might be something for you to consider. Maybe try thinking if you were that person and in their shoes, how would you want to be responded to?

When I come here and post .... I want to hear other peoples opinions... because I KNOW I have a mental illness and that sometimes I may need to rethink things... that does not mean that I have to agree with what the other person says...

Of course you don't have to agree, but what you can do is respect another person's opinions in the same way you'd want them to respect yours, without being confrontational or defensive. I know it can be challenging.

Honest opinion... I do not really think I am going to change too much... I have tried to control my temper and my words and thought I was doing good.... Now I will grant after I got mad I got a little carried away.... but that is part of me....

Changing would be up to you. Would you rather your interactions with others didn't go awry? Maybe there can be some ways to adjust how you're responding to improve things.

My way of telling my opinion is by saying what I have been through .... If I have not been there, then how do I have the right to comment?

Sometimes folks aren't looking for set in stone answers to their difficulties...often times there is no definitive answer...sometimes people just need some comforting words and someone to hear them.

Like some of you all post on things you have not a clue about... but I have learned to let that go... you have the right to your opinions.... everything I disagree with does not have to be an issue.

Can you see how what I bolded in your quote might be hurtful to others who are reading? Maybe instead you might have said something like... Some members respond to posts when they haven't lived through a similar experience and I don't see how that is helpful...to express what you were feeling. This says the very same thing, but minus the negative judgment.

Anyway I FEEL unliked.... more than some for some reason.... I know in a community some will like you some won't but ..... I just wish the ones that don't would lay off me... it is like they wait for me to post just so that they can criticize...

No one is judging you, JT. We have forum rules and sometimes we apply them when we feel the situation warrants it. It doesn't have to do with liking or not liking someone. It just is what it is. Maybe you can take what happened and try to learn from it?

One of the neat things about this forum is that it can be therapeutic sometimes. I know there have been times with myself when certain interactions with others has brought some stuff up for me...or I see a pattern in my behaviors emerging.This can be a great learning tool if you take a look at what is going on and what it can teach you about yourself. And then you can use that information to make some positive improvements. What do you think?

[JustTrying]

SO much to respond to... but to make a long story short.... I KNOW I could do better..... but I need you alls help... I am TRYING to deal with Bipolar , paranoid shizo and PTDS with vitamins... I think the meds will kill me...... I am sorry....

I went to bed at 3pm yesterday..... and in my HEAD I got drunk and my hus was there and things went on ...well IN MY HEAD he left me and I was In the truck with Tatoo.... Course none of this REALLY happened.... but at the time I thought It was....

I quit drinking 4 mo ago.... but it does not seem to matter... when I am in THE mood.... hallucinating or whatever.. to me it is real at the time.... I black out sober.... I cannot explain it but that is what I do... I just wish you all could help me... sorry for the problems I cause....

Like I said i am sorry.... but I cannot change me too much...I can TRY to get along better..... but so be it....

Gabs

I am so tired now.... but I am trying to fight this ... bad depression... won't so that again

[JustTrying]

BTW pretty sure I am Pregnant.... want a baby but do I need it now??? I will probably loose it like the rest.... I have been hurting......

[JustTrying]

I do not even know who I am or where I am 95% of the time..... I want a baby ,,,,, but not this way..... not while I feel this way

[IrmaJean]

Have you told your doctor about the blackouts? You might want to rule out anything medical first. Maybe while you are there, you could check on potential pregnancy too? If the blackouts aren't a medical issue, does your therapist have any thoughts about what might be causing this? It sounds very frightening!

Is there someone you might speak to about medications that might put your mind at ease about potentially taking them? I'm not well-versed on medications, but they might be helpful to you. Just something to consider.

It's great that you've been sober for 4 months!

I hope today goes better for you.

[Lindamomof7]

Yeah I hope things get better for you to JT... You know what is happeneing and now you really need to help yourself or rely on someone in your life. We cant go through all of this alone, we need sometimes for someone to take it out of our hands and feel relief that someone is doing that. Medications can be good and bad and you really need to tell your DR if you are pregnant. It is very important you do that ....

Hang in there

[JustTrying]

Just made an appointment next week.... If I am not Preg... then there are some strange things going on with my body... it may be the diet that I am on now causing the changes.... It is a good diet... I eat 6 times a day ... but it is all natural and healthy... could be the "good" fat that I have been allowing myself??? do not know.

I will go back to therapy in November.... my therapist is a drug alcohol counselor and treats what they call dual diagnosed.... I do not have a way to get there until Nov... but we do talk on the phone and email.

Today.... I feel calm and good.... Monday??? Monday I was rapid cycling... guess that is what they call it.... one minute I would be fine... next darkness would come and then I would talk myself out of that and then it would happen again....

From what I hear about Bipolar... they say that most people have 9 episodes in their lifetime??? Me I can have 9 or more in a day.... but I am also suppose to be Schizo too..... and then you add stress to that mix and God forbid alcohol..... dangerous for me and anyone else.

I guess I misstated when I said I QUIT 4 months ago.... I quit getting drunk... every now and then I will have 3-6 and go to bed... sometimes that is the only way to stop the hallucinations and the dreams. and the voices.... but I knew that if I kept being drunk 24/7 I was going to kill myself or someone else.....

I asked one time to have a real diagnosis and my therapist at the time said it did not matter the meds were all the same..... sooooo ok????

Anyway I am over the paranoid thinking for now.... thank you all for putting up with me... and yes I am a good person and I see what you all are talking about.... If someone disagrees with me... I get defensive and then ugly... thank you for pointing that out... I will try to do better...

JT

[Lindamomof7]

sounds like you are mixed?? I get like that too. My husband always asks, which way is the wind blowing today? And it is so true, no one ever knows how I feel especially when I am down, I guess I have learned to hide it but that only makes it worse...

Glad you can recognize what we are saying and we are trying to help. So keep an eye on how you feel and try to be consious of what you do and don't do when you are feeling bad. It's easy to blame everything on our illnesses but sometimes we are able to see the disaster it causes....

[shanrucas]

you can be supportive, you posted on my thread and that one sentence made me feel less alone. I am apparently in the midst of rapid cycling. I swear the wind blew in several directions just while I was sitting in one place.

I hope it goes better for you JT

[JustTrying]

THANK you all... I am TRYING to get out of the RAGE..... but thank you all for understanding.... I do not communicate well.... but Dang it I try..... OK... I quit Cutting almost ? Yrs ago and I quit taking overdoses ? yrs ago.... progress for me.... and now I am working on my anger and to express myself better..... you all going to hang in there with me? I feel good about the progress I have made... I am soooo much better than I was 1 yr ago......

Point out my faults... It is my choice to deal with them or not... but if I do not know they are faults.... then I won't deal with them

RAGE in the long run does no good.... but I am only 27 years of age???? LOL just joking.... you all have to except my "sense" of humor too!

[JustTrying]

NOT REAL DUMB.... but is it except or accept??? tried to make me up a sign for the store for 2 weeks saying that we "accept" Pay Pal... but did not want to seem like an idiot... so settled on we take Pay Pal....

[malign]

"We accept everything except PayPal." :-)

JT, you sometimes say things like "if I say what I feel, people will get mad." My question is, is there only one way to say what you feel? I mean, if you disagree with someone, even vigorously, you still have a choice between "you're full of s--t", "you don't know what you're talking about", or "I disagree with you". Does it have to contain swearwords or absolutes, for you to feel like you said it strongly enough?

One idea might be to imagine that a child is reading what you write (on the internet, they probably are.) :-)

[JustTrying]

don't think too much about children being on this site... is there not ANYWHERE I can escape the kids???? except porno sites... and then who knows??? IN MY WORLD... we all cuss f u is a way to say good morning.... but I have come to understand that you "other" people may not see it that way... that is what I need to change the way that I talk to my"friends" Fu... KMA.... Srew u or this.... and adapt into the "yuppie" world If I want to get along on this site... I am a biker.... always have been.... rode on the back of my first Harley when I was 3.... have my own now..... go to the bike ralleys and YES I am One of those that takes my shirt off... but it is pretty to look at and if you did not want to see that you would not be at the rally.... OKKKKKK soooooo far off from where you all are at... but still I raised Kids worked 2 jobs... and am working 2 jobs now... but I own the companies... so it is ok if I am Bipolar/schizo for a few days.... It will be ok... I am doing GREAT... money wise and all... but FEELINGS.. thoughts.... etc not so good.

I am sorry... thinking of just leaving this site... do not want to be a problem

[malign]

Gabby,

My Dad was a Scottish coalminer's son. Believe me, I've heard all the words.

It's just a matter of choosing how you want to treat your friends. I understand that you're accustomed to a different way. We all struggle to adapt: I'm a computer geek who was a virgin at 40, what do I know about human existence? Well, I'm a human, and I exist. I listen, and I care.

I know you do those things, too. So you have a right to exist, same as me. We just need to try to treat each other as valuable, even if that's not the way we've been treated in the past, even if that's not the way we feel we're being treated in the present. It comes down to what we want for the future ...

I hope you'll stay. It may take an effort, but I hope you'll do it.

[JustTrying]

I do not look down on you for being a computer geek and a virgin at 40.... I am also a computer geek... just I wear leather and drive a Harley and race the 1969 at the drag strip.......

What gets me is from my LOOKS.... and my clothes and what I drive, they think bad of me..... but that is F2F.....

If I come back here I will try to leave the "cuss" words out... to me they are not cuss words.... my Mom's Favorite word was F U.... and wonder where I got it.... bless her soul... and I know that there is only a part of society that accepts people like me and shame on me for trying to reach out... I should know better by now.... I thought you were suppose to accept everyone until they did YOU wrong....

AND BTW I might as well be a virgin... had sex 1 time in a year ( with my husband) and dang it thinking I am Preg... so do not need this right now....

[malign]

JT, I don't look down on you, either. It doesn't matter to me what you drive; mine's a used, unwashed POS, but it gets me to work.

This is not about accepting, or not accepting, a person. This is about behavior, which is a personal choice.

[JustTrying]

Let me add or clarify... I meant i do not need a baby right now.... I do need you all to tell me what I am doing wrong... or expressing wrong... I can adapt.... I want to be part of the group.... like I said over the ANGER and RAGE for now.... but I cannot promise tomorrow... sometimes I do not know where I am or who I am talking to or how old I am... and that is SOBER.... that is WHY I stayed drunk all the time because then it did not matter... I WANT to care again...... I am so conflicted did I spell that right??? spelling is not my thing... my thing is numbers....

I HOPE that I am not PREG,,,, if I am I will most likely loose it ... even though the doctors told me years ago if I gained weight that would not happen.... I have lost 3..... BUT this state that i am in... one minute I am ok and then the next I am in Tattoos truck???? But in my mind it is real..... can I raise a baby now???? not going to worry about it until it happens...I am thinking right now If I am preg.... I will get a roommate when the baby is born.... someone to check my thinking by.... they can't take the baby unless I ( OK wanting to say F) but mess up wrong????

But anyway... thinking something else... maybe my 2nd puberty... GOD can't want me to have a baby right now....

[IrmaJean]

What you describe sounds very frightening. I hope your doctor can give you some answers about what is going on with the blackouts.

I know it's hard not feeling anxious right now with concerns that you could be pregnant, but it could very well be that you aren't. It isn't uncommon to have swollen, sore breasts after the middle of your cycle. Try taking things one day at a time until you find out for sure. Do you have any hobbies to distract yourself from your concerns? Motorcycle riding. Anything else you do for relaxation and fun?

You spelled "conflicted" right. I have a thing with numbers as well. I card people at work a few times and then I remember their birthdays. I can't even seem to stop it when I want to. Take care.

[JustTrying]

I know I can be B,,,, but I would rather get along.... I HOPE that I am not Preg... but you told me that this happens sometimes in your cycle and we all all adults right? I am 41 Never happened..... NEVER in mine.....so you can understand the worry....or concern and then another moment being happy and hoping so.... I have not had sex but 1 time in 3 yrs.... and it was with my husband..... I would love to have a baby .... but not now....( course that is not the talk around town.... want to add to my stress??? just because men do things for me does not mean they have ill intentions....REAL Men .... you KNOW what I am talking about)

I have lost 3..... Docs say nothing wrong.... was it stress??? was it whatever.... I am pretty sure that this one will not be either... and I call it an IT right now.... but If I carry it 3 mo or more it won't be an it....

I have just got to the point with my "old Man" ( bilker talk) Husband that I just want to be "friends' with him HOW can I say this, I told him......OK... to forget everything else... ( see I can word things dif)

\BTW he has 3 G friends... or at least talks to them on the cell phone I pay for......

I do not like HIM and he does not like ME.... BUT we love each other... I will be there for him and he will do the same.... sorry if you all do not have relationships like that..... ( dang It I was fixing to be sarcastic) But anyway how can I say this.... that is just the way it is in the biker world....Specially if you are married....

I am actually lucky... mine is still paying the bills.... most of them (Bikers) just cut you off..

BUT forget all THAT.... can you all not understand why my therapist has been trying to get me to leave my husband for 15 yrs???? he does nothing but pay some bills ( and yes I appreciate that) and cause me stress.... I can PAY the bills... I own 2 companies...... it will be ok....

OK>>>> this thread is about me ..... somethingorother.... but I started it..... I am sooooooo scared and confused and YES I WAS and DID get angry and take it out on you all.... but I am not making any promises..... but I SEE the wrong and I will TRY to do better....

Gabs(JT)

PS I see what I did and choose not to delete it... I am sorry somethingor other

[IrmaJean]

It's great that you are trying to make positive changes. That's all any of us can do!

I'm sorry about the miscarriages, JT. That must have been very hard. I can understand your concern if the body changes haven't happened before...some things have changed for me in my 40s...maybe it might be that? :confused: At any rate, you'll know soon. And when you find out one way or the other, you can go from there.

Take care.