Quest for my normal

[shanrucas]

I was so happy there for awhile, thinking that the rapid cycling was beginning to slow down, maybe it is, but after having a nice day without any problems or situational issues, I was hit hard this evening with agitation. Every sight, sound has me on edge and I am feeling irritable.:mad:

I am also feeling lonely, I see friends everyday, but the feeling is still there, I feel a bit removed from everything. I have lately pondered the thought of will I ever be able to experience an intimate relationship again . It's not on my priority list or anything, but still I sometimes think about it. Being my mothers primary caregiver doesn't offer much time for anything else. I do my best not to feel resentful about it because when I do I feel terribly guilty. Mostly right this moment though I am irretable.

I know I haven't been back on my meds long enough to get stable, just impatient, want a normal life as well, want to feel free to come and go when I want, want to be able to sleep well. Tired of living a life interurpted.

Just needing to vent, feel a little better for now.

Shannon.

[Lindamomof7]

Hey Shannon

How long have you been on your meds? Do you know what the possible side effects might be of them? Just a thought but maybe check into that aspect?

You know you mentioned your irratablity of sights and sounds. Would you describe it as hypersensitive or is it just somewhat normal and its like the PMS monster took over?

I'm only asking because when I came home from the hospital about 3 wks ago, I came home to being very hypersensitive to hearing and smells. And it killed me. Everything bothered me and I especially heard things I never heard before, it was so weird, but I know I was reacting to hypersensitvity and dont know what caused it and it finally subsided.

And I was on no meds, so cant even blame that..

Any thoughts Shannon?

[shanrucas]

Hi Linda,

Not sure if it's the meds or not, they are the same ones that I have taken before, just easing back on them, it hasn't quite been 2 weeks, as for PMS already went through that, however didn't consider that I am approaching that age, who knows. It can be situational too, still having issues with house repairs, scheduling me time and wishing I could just sleep like a normal person, its not that I can't sleep, I have to reposition my mom every 2 hours althrough the night. really, really miss my bed.

I have some solutions in my mind as to getting help with mom, but getting them implemented has been the problem.

Doing a bit better today, we'll see. Having another electrician coming out to do an estimate at least I have plumbing taken care of for now.

[shanrucas]

I really think I would be doing well if it weren't for all the situtional crisis that keep coming up..Maybe despite it all I am doing rather well considering whats been going on in the home.

Lets see, in just a weeks time these are the things that have happened to tip me over into a manic state:

1) electrical in house needs to be repaired, told by 2 electricians that house needs to be rewired and new service put in, can be done for a couple of thousand. can't sleep

2) Kitchen sink faucet explods, water everywhere, plumber came out and replaced faucet and drain pipes. can't sleep

3) mom not feeling well,found out she has a major infection, she had to be admitted into hospital for IV antibiotics. can't sleep.

So tonight I am going to try and sleep will see if I can or not. I don't think I can handle anymore crisis at the moment. I just want everything to stop so I can catch up.

I have to cut the hours of my one relief caregiver because of all the repairs and the bills that got out of hand.

[Hotspot]

I don't possess any grand thoughts of wisdom here however, just wanted you to know I hear ya.

I do know being sleep deprived only makes even the littlest things seem even harder. Add in real life have to's and must do's an who wouldn't be irritable? It's very difficult to find time for oneself when you are being pulled in different directions.

Wishing equanimity for you.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Shannon,

well I see we must be doing somewthing ok on this post because no moderator has moved it yet???

Yes situational triggers are extremely important to understand and factor in to all of this. Yes and sleep as well. I know that is a big mood trigger for me so I am really careful to keep the same rituals everynight to ensure I get my sleep.

I knew I was heading a little manic the other day because i woke up at 2 in the morning and was awake way to many hours. And sure enough I did alot more things around the house that I couldn't do for months...

Hang in there... Keep it glued together and as I am always told, this too shall pass...

[shanrucas]

Hey there Hotspot and Linda,

I was hoping you would come over to my place,LOL .

Hotspot, I don't expect words of wisdom, it's just nice to know that someone is out there and have a little understanding. Just want to thank you for the support,

Linda, It's nice to know that someone understands to triggers that can happen.

I am believe I am doing better, felt like I was spinning like a top, my mom is still in the hospital, but is doing so much better, they are pumping her full of antibiotics an fluids still. Don't know when to expect her home, I'm thinking sometime early next week.

It is very strange to have the house to myself, I finally got some sleep, at least 5 hours straight, thats good for me. It feels really weird to come and go without worrying about who is going to stay with my mom. I certainly know what you mean Linda, I ended up rearranging furniture and then putting it all back the way it was.

I hope alls well with you two

Shannon.

[Hotspot]

Happy to hear you managed to get some sleep and of course that your Mother is doing better:)

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Shannon and hotspot

Hey I love coming over to your place and the heck with people who dont like it.. :o

Put a pot of hot water on and we can have some tea!!!

Wishing your Mom a speedy recovery... and I hope you take this time to regroup yourself and take advantage of some down time or up time and do whatever you want to the house. Speaking of that why did you put the furniture back?

I love moving furniture I always have and I realize know I NEED to do stuff like that. OCD, Manic who knows, we are all a little quirky and my family knows my moods by how much furniture rearranging I do or when I bleach my kitchen counter... My tell tale signs of normal-manic...

Well today is Halloween and I plan on staying home. My husband will take the kids out and since we dont have a neighborhood, we have to drive to one in our town.

We had our annual family halloween party at the family farm which is right behind my old house. We started to drive and somehow I ended up with a panic attack so we drove home and my 2 older kids babysat me but I so wanted anything junk food to get my mood back or for a diversion so my daughter got me out of the house with a quick trip to walmart first, oh what a mistake!! too many people!!! Couldnt get out of there fast enough!!! So with chinese food in hand home I went to the couch, bed early and wondering what today will be like...

Well hope all is well today and we can chat later

[shanrucas]

I went to visit Hotspots place to check if he made it to appt. I'm so glad he did. If he can make that big step, I know I can keep up with my therepy, what an inspiration.

I got 7 hours sleep last night, a new record! I feel totally refreshed, having some coffee and relaxing before going to hospital to see my mom.

Linda, I have no idea why I put the furniture back other than I didn't like how the room looked after I was done, plus needing to burn off some energy. I'm going to go spend sometime with my horses today.

I understand the Walmart thing, I can't even manage the parking lot, haven't been there in years, anxious just thinking about it.

I hope your kids have a great Holloween, I'm glad you mentioned it was Holloween, gonna have to get some candy just in case.

talk to ya later.

[Hotspot]

Hey Linda, it sucks you had an attack and couldn't make it to the party. Hopefully you didn't beat yourself up too much over it.

Hey Shannon, 7 hours sleep that is a record and I'm glad you were able to get it. Even in good times I can't remember getting 7 hours in a row.

Anyway, before I head over to my place to view your replies, instead of tea could I have some coco with extra mini mellows? :) thanks

Hope you both had a good day. I enjoyed the day with the kids trick or treating and giving out piles of candy. :eek:

[shanrucas]

Hotspot, I'm so glad to hear that you had a good day with the family. I got the kettle on the stove, but I need to go to the store to get mini mellows.

I'm not sure that I am going to beat my record of sleep tonight, I'm feeling a bit restless, The day was ok, I had a couple of moments where I felt extremely anxious, but it passed. I think it's more situational, at least I am hoping so. I just want things to go back to normal, or at least what I consider normal for me. Mom is still in hospital but is doing better, I feel like I have had my first vacation in years, I just don't know what to do with myself.

Last wednesday when I had to call the ambulance to come get mom to take her in to the hospital, I knew one of the guys on the crew. We have been on many a call together and he did some training for our fire department. It was good to see a familiar face, I was a bit stressed to say the least. I turned to him and training goes right out the window when it's one of your own..He just smiled and told me it was ok and gave me a hug. It calmed me down, and I was able to avoid a complete manic spinout sort to speak. I just haven't seen my mom in such a bad state, but she is doing better now.

I now I am rampline a bit and I'm not sure I'm making sense, think I will go look in the cubbard for that cocoa and tea;)

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Shannon

Yeah I know its tough when someone you know is in distress. And I'm sure you feel even more susceptable because of your job... And as you found out, thats what friends are for

Hey I could go for hot cocoa and mini mellows as well!!! Sounds great!!

Shannon I think we are going through alot of the same crap for wondering where is "normal" and if we will ever get it back... I ask that all the time because I used to use that as my gauge as to how much I need to work on finding it. But it seems I am really questioning who I was and if the normal I knew, really was? Or, was it manic or depressive???

Don't know and totally confused so just trying to function minute to minute... And we will see what the day turns out to be

Enjoy the day!!

[shanrucas]

It's a perfect stormy day here for cocoa and mini mellows, the kettle is on the stove and you all are invited.

Linda I totally agree with you on the "trying to find normal" thing..It seems that whenever my routine is shifted just a bit, it sends me right into a tail spin. I feel like I'm running in circles and getting no where fast. It hurts my head.

Since mom is just about the only family I have, it's good to have supportive friends and I feel I have made new friends here too.

I did take advantage of my free time and rode one of my horses, it was nice, one of those warm, breezy stormy days. It felt great.

Hope you had a good day too.

[Hotspot]

what kind of horse do you have?

I had a pretty crappy day think I need a double cocoa with triple mini mellows ASAP please.

[shanrucas]

I'm sorry you had a crappy day:(, you can have all the cocoa you want. But I tell ya I keep drinking your guys share of it since you are not here to enjoy it, and I have to make extra trips to the bathroom:.

I have 3 Arabians,one I have had since he was a baby. And I have another horse thats a Friesian/Foxtrotter cross, she's a big girl but there's no fox in her trot.

I am fortunate that I have been able to have them, they are a good distraction for me when things are tough. Especially now since my mom is still in the hospital and I keep having anxiety attacks cause I don't know what the plan is. I just realized today that maybe one of the reasons I feel anxious when I visit her is cause her room is located just a few feet from the mental ward where I had to stay. It's the first thing you see when you round the corner.

Well I think I will pour us some more cocoa.

[Hotspot]

Thanks for the extra dose of cocoa it sure does hit the spot.

Geeze 3 horses I thought having 1 was something. I've always liked horses and I told you about what one of my kids wanted to do in order to have one of them. Kids they sure do have funny ideas. Just thinking about having one in the garage makes me smile.

I'm very sorry you are having more anxiety fueled stress over your mom. Are the Drs and nurses sharing any of their thoughts about her aftercare with you? Overall how is she doing?

Also having to pass an area of the hospital that brings up past rough times only makes sense for it to cause you anxiety. I'm not sure if it could help but instead of thinking about that time think about how far and better you are doing now to not need to be in a psych unit. It takes a lot of strength to deal with your own stuff along with being a full time caregiver.

I'm glad you have your horses as a distraction and sort of escape,animals are great like that. Do you have any other pets? My house resembles a pet store/kennel/ possible Noah's arch in training establishment. There is something pure in having a relationship with animals. They want nothing more than to be cared for and loved. They don't care about how someone sounds or looks etc I also believe they sense when someone needs a little extra affection an attention.

I wish I could be of more help. Things are really not going well for me and I had hoped my time away would have led to more regrouping than it has.

I will try to post my report of how Monday's appointment went once I'm able to find my thread. I was just at my neighborhood and couldn't find it.

I hope Linda is OK have not seen her for cocoa maybe having puter troubles again.

[shanrucas]

Just your words of encourgagement is plenty of help, I need to hear things like that, thank you. You are so right about stop and thinking that I have come so far from the time I was in the psych unit.

I have a call into the doctor about what to expect when my mom comes home, haven't heard anything yet. She still has some confusion, but thats kinda normal for her, an MS thing. She looks a lot better though. I think she has to stay until she is finished with the round of anitbiotics that are being administered by IV.

Yes, I feel so fortunate to have my animals, besides the horses I have 3 terriers, 2 are jack russells and one is a cairn terrier, the are such clowns. We don't go for walks, we go for a run, they are such busy little guys. My mom has her cat too, she adores him as he does her, they are inseparetable.

At the stables where I keep my horses, there are several mini horses that would be perfect for your garage, one of them barely comes up to my knee and he's fully grown. A perfect addition to your arch.

Oh and I was poking around in your neighborhood just a few minutes ago and your thread is still there. If you have trouble finding it, next time I am there I will leave a light on in the window.

I hope Linda is doing ok too, I have heard from her at all.

[Hotspot]

Hi Shannon,

Glad to hear I could be of some help.

It's great that your mom is doing better even if she has to remain in the hospital to finish a course of IV antibiotics. I'm hoping the Dr has gotten back to you about formulating her aftercare plan. If you know what needs to happen and their expectation of any additional needs she might have at least you can plan an be prepared.

Your animal kingdom of furry exuberant love vaguely resembles mine. Right now we have 1 cat his name is Bob and is always dressed for formal affairs with his tux on. Also have 2 dogs, 1 White German Shepherd and 1 Yellow Lab.. my wife would really like another dog, I'm not sold on the idea. We also have a 20+ pound rabbit kept outdoors which the kids named Thumper. He is very loving and enjoys being held and running around on the back lawn. Also there are various lizards indoors, some eat crickets and others are vegetarians. Maintaining a steady supply of crickets is an interesting and noisy task. Also have a parrot who is a complete character. Several fish tanks throughout the house both fresh and salt water. Add in the kids and I really live in a circus or zoo.

I am very glad my kids do not know about the mini horses because they would want one and my speech about their not being ample room or being fair to the animal would be null and void.

I did manage to find my thread again. I also found another neighborhood I might relocate myself to for a better fit. It seemed to be sandwiched within another larger neighborhood. All the time that I had come to read I never noticed that several neighborhoods are often in the same place.

Anyway, it would be nice to have Linda back for some cocoa I think I've been drinking her share. On a bit of a cocoa an mini mellow high :eek:

[shanrucas]

Wow, you do have an ark of critters. My mom said that having animals was a great way for children to learn responsibilty.

You sound like you are in a bit better spirit. I'm glad that you found a neighborhood that you feel you fit in. I will have to come visit.

My mom is home from the hospital, she's having trouble falling asleep, I gave her something to help her, otherwise I think it is going to be a very long weekend. Just when I was arranging things to have come home, my caregiver that relieves me calls in sick. She's been off for 5 days and now she gets sick, grrrrr.:mad:

Despite it all, I'm holding it together..but I think I will make an appointment with my doctor anyway.

I think I have drinking some of Linda's share of cocoa too.

[Lindamomof7]

Hey guys wheres my cocoa??? I share so thats good

Sorry, wirelss problems with my computer... So trying to catch up and find the light in the window to help guide me:)

Shannon glad to hear your Mom is home, sucks about the caregiver, but its better then getting you guys sick...

Hey Hotspot how are you? How is therapy going?

Hey animals are good for everyone... I have a chocolate lab and about 5 cats. We used to have chickens when we lived on the farm. Hated those fox though, they used to come in the middle of the day and kill my chickens, ugh I hated that part. I remember throwing softballs at them to chase them over the fence, my kids still remember that

I'm ok I guess, dealing with medical stuff now too. Waiting for adrenaline tests to come back and vascualr stuff as well because of my clots as well. And of course my new trauma therapist is hitting some sensitive stuff so I am trying to keep from becoming unglued. I'm hanging in there but I can tell its unraveling.

I guess the bipolar piece is kicking in and when the 2 mix , it's the "perfect storm" So we are checking into the possibilities of a womens residential trauma place in Chicago. Its all women and it suppose to be intense. So we will see, always something though right??? But at least I am in the right frame of mind to see this but when I crash, uh oh look out !!!!

[shanrucas]

Save you some cocoa, got plenty.

I think animals have a way in keeping us honest, besides they provide so much comfort. When I'm with them I feel myself relaxing and calm.

you described the "Perfect Storm" perfectly, thats exactly how it feels for me too, when the two start to colide, watchout! Hang in there, therepist really have a way of making you work your mind, that is if they are any good they will, although it can be extremely painful and exhausting you always walk away having learned something.

Best of luck

[Lindamomof7]

Thanks Shannon,

yes I agree I have had some"rough" sessions with my trauma therapist and she tells me she hasnt even gotten into it and start EMDR or sand play. Uh oh, so thats why we are setting up some plans for the residential trauma facility in case I do what i usually do and go into a major crisis mode...

What a difference in having someone with trauma exprience versus a counselor, social worker or therapist. She is trained and trains other therapists in trauma and it seems the local police send victims and families of someone murdered, raped etc to her. So I really feel confident that someone is challenging me and does know how to apply it to me because yes I feel the same way I have learned so much and sometimes me being knowlegable can sometimes intimidate others in the profession. But one good thing, I guess i'm doing something right because almost everyone I meet in this field ask me when I am going to get involved in this field as a profession. So between my college degree and my real life experience, maybe it is an option once I can manage my own life...

[shanrucas]

I am thrilled for you that you have found someone to deal with the trauma, it truly makes a difference.

It sounds similiar to what I did with Victims' Asistance, only a bit more in depth. We only dealt with the trauma as it happened. I can still remember, holding a young women, who witnessed a bad shooting. I was holding her and it was like holding someone who was having thousands of bolts of electricity through her body. I swear I could feel her relive the whole incident over and over. I couldn't let her go cause she would just run. It was all I could do to keep her from going into shock, finally someone found a family member to take her to the hospital. I often wonder how she is doing.

At sometime Linda, when things are better for you, you should consider this field, I got into to it because I experienced trauma and I feel because of that comes a bit more understanding, if you will, you know how to speak the language. If you do decide this, just make sure you take care of yourself first. This type of career can be quite draining. I did it for about 17 years.

I think you have a lot to offer:)

[Lindamomof7]

Thanks Shannon , I really appreciate your kind words of understanding and encouragement

It's a shame you still aren't in the field. Right back at you for being able to understand and speak the language.

I remember when I was in the hospital , I remember asking someone if they ever felt depression or suicidal ideations. Of course I didn't want them to answer but I said if you have never felt it there is no way you can sit there and critique me and understand what I am going through.

So yes there is a special ability if you have been through it.

And yes I understand what you are talking about of how you relived the situation with the woman. I too can understand the terrorizing feeling of watching someone be beat to a pulp and almost killing him for the sake of impulsive satisfaction. In this case policemen who "could" because they had a badge and thought no one was watching. But my husband and I watched a man get beat to death not just by some asshole creep on the street, but by someone in control who abused the trust and honor that was given to them.

I guess this is what really sent me over the edge and recreated some feelings of "men in control" and doing what they wanted because they "could". Well when is someone going to stand up and tell them they CANT!!!

Be it a policemen, a rapist a pedophile whatever, it is all the same, self gratification and control at the expense of someone else's life.

And I guess I unconsiousley grew up never to ever be in a vulnerable situation to anyone. I never went to parties in HS and College, I never drank or did drugs and I even met a man who wasn't a controlling person. I also took the strong confident, independent role of never needing anyone.

So even though I made the right decisions, my hope is that all women have the strength to never be controlled or manipulated by anyone especially a man. And if they have, I hope they find other women who can help them realize and give them strength to make the needed changes in their lives and stand strong to the people that make them feel inadequate.