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Quest for my normal

shanrucas

By shanrucas
in Bipolar Disorder

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shanrucas Senior Member

shanrucas

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Thanks guys for your concern. Thankfully my Aunt doesn't call often and when she does its short. As for asking for monitary support, if I would ask her out right she would respond like :eek:. I mean after my grandma past away last May, there was a life insurance policy that was split between my Aunt and mom, it wasn't much, about $1,100.00 each, after it came I deposited it and used it to pay mom's bill for the transportation she has to use. My Aunt called the next day and asked if she could have it to reimburse herself for the funeral expenses,I told it was used to catch up on bills. A funeral that my mom couldn't go to since it was way up the river, she knew mom couldn't make that trip and also excluded her for the interment they had at the cemetary that my mom could go to, its within walking distance of my house. Needless to say we had our own little ceramony.

I am sooo packed, bringing my banjo..hehe, can't be sad when playing a banjo.

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shanrucas Senior Member

shanrucas

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Still searching for that "normal" state. Don't feel any closer to it. Just had a strange overwhelming feeling of something around the corner. Like I am on the verge of something new. Can't really discribe it any better than that. I don't know if its a change, idea or worse a manic attack around the corner. It's a bit unsettling, I guess time will tell. Has anyone had this feeling?

.....maybe its our virtual trip to Hawaii, lol. I'll have another drink with the unbrella thing, please.

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Lindamomof7 Senior Member

Lindamomof7

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Good Morning Shannon, keep the feeling in perspective and in balance no matter what it is. That part of balance has been hard for me but I think I am getting the hang of it. Not doing lots of things during mania and trying to do anything in depression has been so hard for me. How has that part been for you?

I think I'm fading a little. Don't have the thoughts of doing much especially trying to finish what I have been doing the last few days or so. And a tell tale sign is that I don't feel like playing my music. It felt so good last week to blast my awesome sounding Bose stereo and "FEEL" the music, tones etc. I just love it and it gives me such a natural high and it almost made me want to get my guitar out of storage. But I know that would be too overwhelming right now...

The shortened week is filled with therapy and vascualr Dr. Pretty crappy when thats all I have planned...

So for now, snorkeling, drinking and laying on the beach sounds great. So hey what good to eat in Hawaii?? :P

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shanrucas Senior Member

shanrucas

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Hi Linda, yes I am trying to keep the balance as best as I can, kinda hard when all i want to do is sleep, the good thing is that I have to attend to mom's needs and that keeps me froming crawling into a hole.

I think in hawaii it's traditional to have a roast pig in a pit. mmmm

I wonder where freefawl is, could have had her come a long. Hope everything is ok.

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Hotspot Senior Member

Hotspot

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No, hole crawling in for anyone, we have an Island to check out. I think we should go to one of those hula dancers, :( fire eating smorgesboard show meals. I am starving. I really don't want roast oinker I'll take some pit fired chicken skewers. Let me get my really funky Hawaiian shirt on.

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Lindamomof7 Senior Member

Lindamomof7

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oH no, then that means I need to go SHOPPING!! haha any excuses are good for me. I need some new clothes, sandals and sun glasses...

Hmm chicken skewers sound good, roast pig ummm nah....

and I like the drinks as Shannon suggested, with a little umbrella...

Saw my therapist tonight. I like that we are really getting into some deep stuff. Exactly what I want to know and learn... More therapy tomorrow after my vascualr Dr...

:(

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malign Senior Member

malign

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My blog is titled "My Kind of Normal" for that very reason, based on something another member said, shortly before I started it.

For the mathematically inclined, normal is defined as perpendicular to the tangent, but that's about as meaningful as any other definition of it. :-)

Some people think that Kansas is a fairly normal state ...

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Lindamomof7 Senior Member

Lindamomof7

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Thanks Shannon

I need some hugs. Became very emotional last night and can't sleep. Its 3am and I just feel like I have such a heavy depressed feeling.

I'm trying to get my car back and working it out with my husband and my therapist but he saw my eyes last night and knew something was brewing... UGH I guess he is right... :(

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Hotspot Senior Member

Hotspot

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OK, feeling a little left out here with all the hugging going on :)

I had counseling again I'd tell you about it, if I actually remembered. Anyway, my wife tells me I am a great hugger she is biased of course :( but if you need a squeeze I have plenty of extras. Just no pinching the tushie :eek:

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Lindamomof7 Senior Member

Lindamomof7

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Hi Hotspot oh no please dont feel left out. And although I have some issues with men, I think we have all earned some really big hugs with each other. :(

As far as the pinching, I will save that for your wife and I will make up for it by pinching my husbands :)

So what happened at your session? You dont remember? What did the therapist say about it, did he talk to your wife ?

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Hotspot Senior Member

Hotspot

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Haven't any clue what happened at the session besides that I went. I remember driving there and walking in. The next thing I remember was some of my drive home.

Anyway, I'm wishing you both a very Happy Thanksgiving.

My kids have already "called" which part of the bird they want. It's kindof funny considering their requests. I don't think they remember the bird has only 2 drumsticks and 2 wings :) I'm looking forward to watching the parade with the kids, watching the games and having my wife use me as her taste test pilot.

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Lindamomof7 Senior Member

Lindamomof7

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Sorry guys that I have been away and slept for the last 2 days. I flipped down in an instant and my new therapist finally witnessed it. She wanted to send me to the psych hospital because she knows if I at all feel unsafe, I am probably really unsafe. But she did see me in an emergency appt and it seems she was very concerned. I still can't believe after almost 5 yrs of this, how I can go from up and good to down and suicidal within 24 hrs. This really sucks...:mad:

So here we go again with figuring out what to do. I dont remember much of the appt but my husband was there. So I will see Monday what plans she has.

Hey Hotspot, I'm sending you some hugs as well (((hugs)))

I hope your wife is driving and you are limiting your alone driving??? Thats how I got and get into trouble, I dissociate while driving and dont know where I am going. And yes that can be very unsafe for a woman!!!:eek:

Hey Shannon I'm sending some (((hugs))) to you too and hope you are doing well :)

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shanrucas Senior Member

shanrucas

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I'm sorry Linda that you are having such a time of it, but at the same time I'm glad that your therepist witnessed it. ((Hug))

I sure did need my hug as well, after spending the whole thanksgiving day down and out, I got ready today to go do my chores and was looking forward to spending time with my horses. Well I got to my friends barn to feed hers as usual and my truck broke down,,,there i was stuck in the rain in the middle of now where, thank god for cell phones..I got a tow back to my house, my friend who owns the barn where my horses are came and got me and let me use his VW bug, which use to belong to me, he also called his mechanic who came to look at my truck..the water pump is shot..so he's going to get one and put in for me. What a way to end the week and now I am starting my weekend shift with mom......I want a new life desparately:(. I just don't know how much more I can take.

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Lindamomof7 Senior Member

Lindamomof7

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HI Shannon

yeah you and me both.... :)

It's nice you have friends to help you out. Get through the weekend as best as possible, keep it simple and boring and try to think about a new start on monday.

I hope you find the strength. Thats what i am trying to do but I swear someone keeps throwing a hood over my head.... :)

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shanrucas Senior Member

shanrucas

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I think I need more than a virtual vacation, I need a real one. I can't wait to see my pdoc on Monday and then I going to see if I can get in to see the counselor I like at Hospice, he is really good and I always feel enlightened after I see him.

Man I hope I can get SSDI, that would help to solve a lot of issues.

Learning to fly but I ain't got wings, coming down is the hardest thing. -Tom Petty

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