When your life fails, what do you do?

[Guy Out There]

My upset rant, please read with caution..

Suddenly my world has collapsed, everything i believed in so strongly seems so false to everybody else. I know it is true but i can't tell anybody because to them it appears i'm crazy.

If it wasn't for a therapist who treated me 7 years ago then i would now be locked up again, maybe for good this time.

I just don't know where to turn, i need to rebel, to express myself through an act of destruction, i need to explode (not literally)...

Who do you turn to when there is nobody else? When your therapists who you thought you could trust were actually just lying and pretending, if i don't get some help soon i'm just going to do something serious i will regret.

What do i need? I need these therapists and doctors to f*cking listen to the small details, this isn't about what is happening now this is about the f*cking trauma again and this is about my PTSD coming back again and hiding in everything. It's in the seizures, it's in my thoughts, this is about my PAST, why can't they f*cking see that? Sure i can't talk about my trauma, the words are grabbed back straight off my tounge everytime i try, maybe the only way i'm going to get any real help is by getting myself locked up for good, by allowing myself to go insane and going on some violent rampage and exploding and fucking up my life and my future and leaving everything behind, all my hopes all my dreams just gone..

I sure wish my fucking therapists could be fucking bothered to take note of the small details instead of telling me to get out more. The reason i don't go out as much is because i can't fucking face the world alright???? Do you have a problem with picking up on these things? Or are you just following your training manuals by the letter and ignoring what the patient actually says.. Here is a typical conversation from a session..

Them: You need to do more stuff..

Me: I just can't face things, i can't face the world anymore..

Them: If you get out more then you'll be more tired to sleep.

Me: How can i do more when it's such an effort to leave the house?

Them: We'll move you to a social worker to help you get out more.

Me: Get out more? I can't even go to work anymore, i can't face it.

Them: Maybe going to the gym?

And so it carries on, you kind of get the picture.

Sorry for ranting, i just needed to get that out, i still feel so upset though, i don't even know how i'm going to face work today, i've been off for 3 weeks, what do i tell them?

I went crazy but i thought i would come in because 'i need to get out more?'

[spiritual_emergency]

Namaste, Guy.

this isn't about what is happening now this is about the f*cking trauma again and this is about my PTSD coming back again and hiding in everything. It's in the seizures, it's in my thoughts, this is about my PAST, why can't they f*cking see that?

What I'm hearing is a lament about a lack of connection. Am I hearing correctly?

Sure i can't talk about my trauma, the words are grabbed back straight off my tounge everytime i try...

Here's a thought... you say that your therapists don't understand about your trauma, they don't know it, but surely, somewhere, you know it. You probably know it very intimately.

Elsewhere, I've spoken about the value of metaphoric expression -- it becomes a way of expressing the unspeakable. In a "manner of speaking" that's probably what you're doing now -- you're trying to express some tangle of emotion that might be too big to put into small words but somehow, it leads back to that time in your past.

What I'm wondering is if there is a way for you to say it without having to speak it...? I tend to use music a lot, and poetry, and prose to do the same. When I first began doing so, it was a tangle, it was a collage, it was a kaleidoscope of imagery -- what I sometimes referred to as puking my self upon the table -- but doing so got it out and from there, I could begin to look at it. Maybe, like me, you can't speak it but you could still express it in a way that wouldn't end up hurting you or anyone else. This is often one of the undervalued treasures of the arts.

So... let's imagine that you could create something that would "speak to" all these things you can't say outloud.

I don't know if you could share that piece of art with your therapists or not, maybe you would feel they wouldn't understand. Nonetheless, on some level, you would understand and that might help channel all this churning, seething energy in a more productive or positive direction.

I don't know if that might be helpful to you or not but I do recognize that you feel a need to do "something" so maybe that idea is a "something" you can invest yourself in.

See also: The Role of Metaphor

[finding my way]

Guy I'm sorry you are hurting so badly:(

[LaLa]

Hello, Guy,

I'm sorry you are hurting and feeling so misunderstood, too ... I'd like to try to have some meaningful comments...

I appreciate the reply of spiritual_emergency. Maybe the idea of "creating a piece of art" apears too distant to you, if you are not "familiar with" art. But anyway, I think you could at least give it a chance. Just don't think that "now I'm gonna make art", just try to use the negative energy accumulated in you to do something non-violent, something that could absorb a part of your unbearable emotions...

I've spoken about the value of metaphoric expression -- it becomes a way of expressing the unspeakable. In a "manner of speaking" that's probably what you're doing now -- you're trying to express some tangle of emotion that might be too big to put into small words but somehow, it leads back to that time in your past.

I feel the same. The "small details" that you mention in your post are these "little signals" that want to communicate your trauma, but are too small and maybe too metaphoric to be readily understood . (I know it's hard to consider in your situation, but... please don't forget that therapists are human, too, and don't possess any magical powers, even can't read our minds...) I imagine that you could take them as the starting point for a more complex expression. Just take the details one by one and try to describe them in more detail, maybe in a metaphoric manner... It might seem useless or strange to you, but this are not only my "absurd fantasies", this is just the way how I did speak about my own "demons" to my therapist. Metaphorically, by little pieces, ... It took two whole sessions to get to "the revelation" of "the fact/demon" itself - to become "understood". That's why I believe in helpfulness of "metaphors" and "allerogies".

Wish you good luck!!! Hang in, please...

[LaLa]

As I'm not sure if now your mood allows you to follow the link to the spiritual_emergency's blog and read the whole (quite long) article/blog entry, I'd like to quote here a fragment that might "attract your attention" :

It’s common for individuals who suffer from PTSD to use metaphors to express the experiences of traumatic events. According to Amendiola (1998), “Metaphor provides an altered frame of reference that allows the client to entertain novel experience without physiological hyperarousal and attending negative affect.” In layman’s terms, this means that speaking in metaphor allows a traumatized individual to talk about what happened without being re-traumatized by the memory of the event.

Winslow (2004) describes traumatic memory as creating a separate world which is very different from and initially irreconcilable with the ordinary world that most people know. “But,” she says, “the situation is more complicated still; changes in physical and psychological states shift the experiencer into an altered state of consciousness characterized by heightened imaging and interference with reasoning” (Winslow, 2004). Metaphor helps to create a bridge between the “ordinary” world and the trauma world.

As one might imagine, some difficulty may arise when it’s not properly understood that an individual is speaking metaphorically. Due to the highly sensitive nature of the subject matter, a traumatized individual who is using metaphors is not likely to be able to acknowledge that this is what he or she is doing.

[Waiting]

Hey Guy,

I sorry times are so tough. I have been in places where no one seems to understand and like you it is about the little details. They simply look at the gross generalities and try to deal with it from there.

I know in some cases it was more my reaction that what their intent was. A lot of the time I believe that they are not listening when I am just anxious about some points. The key thing here for me to address those thoughts and tell them what I am thinking in regards to this. It certainly helped with my therapist who was not doing at all what I thought. In other cases it didn't really get me anywhere other than to realize myself of the wondering as I learned exactly what was going on.

In terms of doing something, well, people are always telling me that and I understand how it can be frustrating. In the long run though it is true. You may need help to get to there, but you do need to do things. Do you tell your therapist what you are telling us? Be blunt and clear.

Also it is possible that you may need a different therapist. It is not a simple case of good therapists and bad ones. We need one that works for us, but be sure you are very honest with exactly you are feeling first.

Also we are hear and we will listen. I am no therapist, but I will do my best to listen, understand and help. Trying to help others is one of the things that helps me.

Waiting

[Christie]

Hey Guy,

I am in the exact place you are when you say "Suddenly my world has collapsed, everything i believed in so strongly seems so false to everybody else. I know it is true but i can't tell anybody because to them it appears i'm crazy."

And the worst part is that you can't tell anyone because no one will understand you. They think you need help, and the help doesn't help at all.

I know you say you don't have the energy to get out of the house. What I do is I do push-ups near a couch or bed. I let the anger out and then relax. My thoughts get too much, I push. Something physical to distract me from the emotional.

You need to scream. I totally understand that.

What I do is I listen to some heavy metal (Slipknot, Korn, System of a Down, Disturbed, etc.) and "sing" along. Its a lot of screaming and in the end you may feel better. I recommend "Deep Inside" by Korn.

I've never had a psy doc before, but when I need to reach someone truly, I write them a letter. Write your docs a letter. Write anyone you need to a letter. Living or not. Write a letter to yourself.

You can chose to give it to the intended person or burn it.

Trust me, this has helped me stay out of confinement and still "here."

I wish you all the best and that your pain may be alleviated soon.

Christie

[Athena]

Hi Guy,

I'm in the same place as you. EXCEPT for - I have finally found a psychotherapist who "gets" me. When paraphrasing back to me, he takes the words right out of my mouth. He accepts my metaphors. When I provide a brief response, he digs deeper. I stumbled upon him because I was given a list of GP psychotherapists by our local mental health institute. It turns out he practises Psychoanalysis, which I read about ages ago and thought was so weird it can't possibly be practised anymore (very Freudian). When I told various mental health professionals about it, they raised their eyebrows and said, "that's a pretty controversial technique".

Anyway I met with him, and learned about the technique (which ultimately brought me to this website). Decided to give it a try because it goes way back into your past and works on things in minute detail. I liked that because I've had LIFELONG depression and I don't know where it comes from. I look at kids and they're generally so happy. I wasn't. And I think a lot of the mess I'm in is because I've never dealt with that underlying problem. Currently I'm going through a divorce from a guy I never really loved, no friends, can't work because I can't cope, lost my house and am in danger of losing everything else as well.

Even with all this, I felt better after 3 weeks of psychoanalysis, whereas CBT and just regular weekly "talk" therapy did nothing other than encourage my rants and make me frustrated and more depressed. I've had a minor setback lately as I've been thrown into crisis by some bad stuff but I don't know where I'd be without him right now. I know my life won't change overnight but I'm reminded of a question I read recently: "How can I enjoy the process while I'm waiting for everything to be the way I want it to be?" My new therapist is the shining light four times a week that is at least one answer to that question.

I recommend you seek out somebody who practises this particular form of therapy. I wish you the best.

[Guy Out There]

Hi everyone,

thank you all so much for your kind words, advice and for listening.

I don't feel i have the strength just now to reply properly but i feel i must respond to you all personally.. I'll be in touch with you soon..

Until then, thank you so much for your support, perhaps i will feel stronger a little later in the day, i'm going to try all of what you have suggested.