Giving Up

[Guy Out There]

I've just got nothing left, no more energy. I have reached that point where my life is demanding more than i can give it, faster than i can cope.

What do you do when everything has failed? That moment you look back and realize you've dug a hole so deep nothing will aid your escape..

People are clinging on to me, i hate it so much, i wish everybody would stop caring so i could have a guilt free death, well as guilt free as it can be that is... Killing myself would be not just cutting my own life short but the lives of those who care too. It is usually a good thing that people care about you, until you want a way out and then they simply form the walls of a prison, no way out.

During my time on this site, i've had a few moments where i've thought about death, been at the edge, everytime i say 'this is it, no messing around i'm serious' and so far i am still here, there is however only so many second chances a man can give his life before it becomes broken beyond repair.

I've been so unhappy these recent years, i once recovered (thanks to the best therapist i ever had) but sadly he is no longer able to treat me and everything came back. The four or five years since then i've just got worse and worse without any help.

I guess what tipped it was the moment i realized i had actually crossed the 'insanity border', the point when you can no longer tell what is real and what isn't, beliefs have such power and influence over us (anyone religious will understand)... So your thinking "why not believe your going to get better then?" don't think i haven't tried that, i've been believing that i'll get better for 8 years and still i'm worse than ever, even making other peoples lives miserable.

I think i'd better leave that there, i don't want to start and make anyone else unhappy, sorry if thats too late to prevent, just forget about me and you'll soon be fine..

Look after yourselves and have a great life..

[Waiting]

Hi Guy out there,

I am sorry things are so dark, but you beat this before with a therapist and you can do it again. In my experience these dark episodes come in waves and while in them all you can see is the dark. You mind won't let you perceive the light.

If you need to talk I will do my best.

Waiting

[Guy Out There]

I actually feel that my life is threatened right now and that i am being pressured into commiting suicide. Unfortunatly there are darker people out there who are tasked to restrict and control people such as myself, pressuring them into silence or suicide 'or death'.

I guess this is what you call the final wave, the last chance for me to rise up and change everything, my last chance to stop falling before i fatally hit the bottom.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom Waiting, and thank you for your kind words.

[finding my way]

Guy I am sorry you are in so much pain :) . Can you soothe yourself in any way these days? Are you able to get rest? Are you eating ok? Basic physical needs unmet can really compound anxiety. Someone here once said that it's totally impossible to feel anxiety with a completely relaxed body... I don't know because I've never achieved it, but does anything help you relax physically?

[Guy Out There]

Hi finding, these days i sleep terribly, awake most of the night, asleep most of the day (or just really tired), i don't eat properly, i worry all the time (things relating to my ptsd), i don't even know what to believe anymore... I live with constant guilt from my past, really any time i try and relax my thoughts get the better of me and give me all sorts of violent thoughts which cause me to have a 'pseudo seizure' which is my good subconsious way of expressing disgust i guess..

I'm really falling apart, spending lots of money without care, not going to work just really suffering.

Think of it like a terminal illness, (illness can be mental as well as physical), recovery would be like sticking a prized vase together with glue, it takes forever, never looks the same and the slightest shock and it falls apart again only the second time nobody can be bothered to stick it back together.

[LaLa]

I'm sorry, too, that you hurt so badly... You're right; it's an illness and you need somebody to heal you. You had a great therapist in the past and he's certainly not the only one able to help you. I'm sorry you haven't found anybody like him since... You've mentioned, in another thread, your problems with communicating your problems related to PTSD with your therapists. You've written there:

i'm going to try all of what you have suggested

Did you already try? Maybe you didn't feel 'ready' to do so, maybe it seems all too hard to you, I know... But you might read that thread again and then try to force yourself a bit to try some of the advises...

Maybe your therapists aren't 'that bad', maybe they'll understand, it might just need more time and effort from both sides. But maybe you'd need another therapist - and there is always the possibility to change, even though it seems too complicated and it is undoubtly quite uncomfortable at the beginning... So... maybe you could now give yourself 'a temporal meaning of life' (before finding more different motivations to live): Find the way how let others (those who even take your money for it (-I suppose)!) help you and find out if the ones who try to do it now are 'the right-ones' - and if not, then to find 'the right one'. I suggest it because we all need 'an aim' (at least one), other then just 'live' (what can be very painful). And this aim would surely be benefical.

I don't know if you have energy to read in this bad period, but maybe you could try to purchase and read a book from Victor E. Frankl (a psychotherapist who survived several concentration camps, foundator of logotherapy and existential analysis) - Man's search for mening or Suffering man, ... - there are many people (I also saw some in this community) whose life changed thanks to reading Frankl. (I'm reading the 1st one now and I can only recommend it.) One of his theses/ideas for example: "Despair is suffering without a meaning." And his aim is to help people to find the meaning in all their suffering.

Please, keep posting; it's so great that you can communicate your feelings here! I'm sad that I can't help, but I hope we, together, can give you at least a benefical support...