IrmaJean Posted February 14, 2011 Report Share Posted February 14, 2011 I've recently become aware of a disturbing pattern in my responses within relationships. I'm fairy new to relating over the past few years as I spent much of my life being socially anxious and shy. I'm wondering if anyone might have any thoughts or insights into this?In happens in friendships that I value a great deal. I am already aware that I have an extra need for reassurance and response early on in relationships. I also have some fears around losing loved ones and friends. Nothing new there. The response happens when the friendship is jeopardized or put under significant stress. There is a "threat of loss" or at least a perceived threat in my mind. But...once this perceived threat enters my mind, I become very upset or possibly triggered. Not a big surprise there either. Normally I naturally consider the feelings of the other person involved and this always remains very important to me. Once I am triggered or have a very strong emotional response, I notice now (in retrospect) that my immediate needs in those emotional moments leave me temporarily less aware of the other person's needs/feelings. I don't do this consciously. I am strongly driven to "mend things" and talk things through. If the other person is unavailable, the experience becomes close to unbearable. Needs to contact. It feels like a powerful drive that is next to impossible to deny. The longer this inability to connect (apologize, fix things) goes on, the more painful it becomes. It is fairly wrenching.Anyway, usually along the way someone will point out to me what I'm doing. (not thinking of the other person's needs in those moments ) Once this is brought to my attention, I can right myself and regroup, but sometimes damage has already been done. I wonder if there are any ways I might be able to become more aware of what I'm doing before I act on self-serving needs? Any approaches I might try to use? I really do not ever want to be like this and never ever want to do or say hurtful things to others. Trying to learn how to be a better friend. It is extremely disappointing and painful to realize this, but sadly the truth is there in my behaviors. I must confront this if I wish to change my responses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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