Inside of Triggers and Emotional Upset

[IrmaJean]

I've recently become aware of a disturbing pattern in my responses within relationships. I'm fairy new to relating over the past few years as I spent much of my life being socially anxious and shy. I'm wondering if anyone might have any thoughts or insights into this?

In happens in friendships that I value a great deal. I am already aware that I have an extra need for reassurance and response early on in relationships. I also have some fears around losing loved ones and friends. Nothing new there. The response happens when the friendship is jeopardized or put under significant stress. There is a "threat of loss" or at least a perceived threat in my mind. But...once this perceived threat enters my mind, I become very upset or possibly triggered. Not a big surprise there either. Normally I naturally consider the feelings of the other person involved and this always remains very important to me. Once I am triggered or have a very strong emotional response, I notice now (in retrospect) that my immediate needs in those emotional moments leave me temporarily less aware of the other person's needs/feelings. I don't do this consciously. I am strongly driven to "mend things" and talk things through. If the other person is unavailable, the experience becomes close to unbearable. Needs to contact. It feels like a powerful drive that is next to impossible to deny. The longer this inability to connect (apologize, fix things) goes on, the more painful it becomes. It is fairly wrenching.

Anyway, usually along the way someone will point out to me what I'm doing. (not thinking of the other person's needs in those moments ) Once this is brought to my attention, I can right myself and regroup, but sometimes damage has already been done. I wonder if there are any ways I might be able to become more aware of what I'm doing before I act on self-serving needs? Any approaches I might try to use? I really do not ever want to be like this and never ever want to do or say hurtful things to others. Trying to learn how to be a better friend. It is extremely disappointing and painful to realize this, but sadly the truth is there in my behaviors. I must confront this if I wish to change my responses.

[finding my way]

When I am in the grip of a part of me that is desperate, talking to another about how I feel, writing it, and doing tonglen is what helps. My having compassion for that part that is in the grip, looking at her and her desperation and hearing what she is saying allows me to take that necessary one step back. If you only want to eradicate her, things will get worse. If you only want to blame another for the situation, things will get worse. She has a need. It is very liberating to discover you can afford to hear it and have compassion for it.

[IrmaJean]

I can't and wouldn't blame others for this. It's all me and my parts. I think I have the opposite problem, though. I'm listening to the needs too well to the exclusion of hearing or seeing anything else. I'm not particularly fond of the part of myself that is clingy and insecure, but I have learned to accept this and have been trying to work on it. It is difficult (or impossible) for me right now to feel compassion for any part that would blindly try to have needs met with an unawareness of the needs or feelings of others involved. It's entirely unacceptable in my mind. The problem is my judgment is grossly impaired when I feel like this. I understand that I've been triggered but don't seem to be aware that my behaviors are self-serving while I'm acting on them. Later, when I come out of the emotion, things become clearer and I will feel regret. Writing to someone does help and I think this has helped me in the past, but this time no one was available. I have to practice with recognizing the trigger, when I'm triggered, and then forcing myself to not respond even when the drive is so very strong. Essentially what its saying is "please don't leave me". Hard to feel compassion for that. I'm feeling harshly judgmental and disgusted at the moment... Thank you for your support, finding. It is greatly appreciated

[Lindamomof7]

..................

[malign]

Beth,

I'm going to bet 'finding' meant: "If you only want to blame another [part of yourself] for the situation". The point is that the entire thing is different parts of you that are fighting with each other.

One attaches strongly and needs others to stay around.

Another gets angry at that because it feels like it causes harm to others.

Neither one is necessarily entirely "right" (a word I hate to use about people, generally.) Everyone has needs; only robots don't. Sometimes needs cause pain for others. That has to be accepted; it's not changeable. Awareness, though, can help you mitigate it. Anger only entrenches it, because the needy part gets hurt even more than it already was.

Please take care of all of your parts.

[randomperson]

I've recently become aware of a disturbing pattern in my responses within relationships. I'm fairy new to relating over the past few years as I spent much of my life being socially anxious and shy. I'm wondering if anyone might have any thoughts or insights into this?

In happens in friendships that I value a great deal. I am already aware that I have an extra need for reassurance and response early on in relationships. I also have some fears around losing loved ones and friends. Nothing new there. The response happens when the friendship is jeopardized or put under significant stress. There is a "threat of loss" or at least a perceived threat in my mind. But...once this perceived threat enters my mind, I become very upset or possibly triggered. Not a big surprise there either. Normally I naturally consider the feelings of the other person involved and this always remains very important to me. Once I am triggered or have a very strong emotional response, I notice now (in retrospect) that my immediate needs in those emotional moments leave me temporarily less aware of the other person's needs/feelings. I don't do this consciously. I am strongly driven to "mend things" and talk things through. If the other person is unavailable, the experience becomes close to unbearable. Needs to contact. It feels like a powerful drive that is next to impossible to deny. The longer this inability to connect (apologize, fix things) goes on, the more painful it becomes. It is fairly wrenching.

Anyway, usually along the way someone will point out to me what I'm doing. (not thinking of the other person's needs in those moments ) Once this is brought to my attention, I can right myself and regroup, but sometimes damage has already been done. I wonder if there are any ways I might be able to become more aware of what I'm doing before I act on self-serving needs? Any approaches I might try to use? I really do not ever want to be like this and never ever want to do or say hurtful things to others. Trying to learn how to be a better friend. It is extremely disappointing and painful to realize this, but sadly the truth is there in my behaviors. I must confront this if I wish to change my responses.

I do the same thing.. see well almost all of my threads

I know it is frustrating at times. People tell me to 'coast' when my cruise control is broke and I tend to have a lead foot.

It is tough for me to fix.. I know what you are saying too well.

I'm afraid of rejection, especially being ignored.

[IrmaJean]

I appreciate your thoughts everyone, but I'm not in a place right now to be comforting myself. Yes, Linda, I have come a long way from where I was, but clearly there is more work to do. I want to stop this behavior.

Sometimes needs cause pain for others.

I'm having a hard time swallowing that. I don't want some part of myself to hurt someone that I care about. I don't want to hurt others.

I shouldn't say this probably, but honestly right now I don't care if the needy part gets hurt. I'm angry with the needy part. It needs to change.

Sigh.

[IrmaJean]

You say it is unacceptable in your mind to not know and understand the needs of others. Ok so some very strong ground there for you but why are you putting so much thought into the other person?

I wanted to answer this too. It's consideration of the other person's feelings. I wouldn't expect to know them, but I should always at least consider them. This is what friends do and how friends take care of one another.

[IrmaJean]

I had a bad day and the hugs help.

Finding, what can you tell me about attachment and the parts? I think I have a tendency to attach insecurely (anxious) initially and it takes some time for me to build up to a more secure attachment. A lot of separation distress...

[finding my way]

I hear in what you are saying a part of you that could be quite young dear IrmaJean and she is very needy and anxious. I also hear that there is another part of you that is not ok with her, maybe wants her out of the way, which only spirals the other's desperation. In parts therapy it is very common to discover such polarized pairs that have been going at it for an entire lifetime. When you blend with one, her reality is all you feel, then it flips and you blend with the other. It feels crazy!!! The amazing liberation comes when you are willing take that one step back and look at the whole thing, at each part, with the witness self and with compassion. It can seem utterly impossible if you are blended with a stubborn angry survivor part or wounded child in a tantrum part. Talking with others can help. Doing tonglen helps. Meditation, sitting with the parts and breathing, journaling each voice.... all help. What doesn't help is staying blended with only one part's perspective. If you can open to the dynamics inside you, relating with others will get much much better.

My schedule is insanely busy right now--- I know yours is too. I hope some of this makes sense and keep talking if it is helping you, IJ! Let's hear about that angry part that doesn't care about the needy part; does she feel the needy part is ruining her chances at love? She may be a young one herself, and her fears and feelings may need to be heard first.

[IrmaJean]

Finding, this stuff is amazingly interesting and I'm always willing to listen and learn about myself. I completely understand about time constraints. Today may well be my sole day to accomplish anything school related this week so I have to spend the entire day working at that (after I leave here). Housework will have to wait. I'm not in crisis mode any longer, so the desperation has eased some. No worries about replying. Whenever you have the chance or desire to is fine with me.

Yes, I've been in "crazy mode" for the past several days and it does feel very confusing. Mostly only happens in this specific case scenario, though. :confused:

The angry part finds the needy part to be a nuisance and an unattractive side of her. The angry part finds the needy part's behaviors to be pathetic and ridiculous. The angry part doesn't want the needy part to chase away friends or loved ones with her neediness.

The needy part (unfortunately) feels more like a "truer" part. This is the part that wants to be loved, accepted, protected and cherished etc.etc. She worries she is unworthy of such, though she aches and yearns for it. She worries that if she reveals her true self, others will see her for who she is and leave. This makes her more anxious and afraid. She likes feeling close to others. She wants to connect with them and be with them. She wants them to stay with her.

Well, that was fun. The above paragraph, well, that's essentially me. I try not to let it be seen much, but it comes out under "threat of loss". Thanks for the exercise, finding.

[IrmaJean]

Now that you have me thinking...

Normally, I'm not this harsh on myself. Angry self is usually more along the lines of annoyed self. I think when needy self steps over a line by hurting others or chasing them off, this is when annoyed self becomes angry self.

There are lots of parts that I have better feelings about. I like the parts that are gentle, kind and caring. Mostly I like who I am. When I start having bad feelings about myself, I feel in turmoil. I will try to do as you say and witness and feel compassion for all of me.

[finding my way]

whenever a person is divided against herself, that is going to feel crazy!! We don't think it counts to be mean to ourselves or say cruel things on the inside, but it does. Getting to a place where you can afford to listen to these parts and see the bigger picture of what is going on for them and how they got that way and what the true need is.... leads to shifts and healing.

In what you wrote earlier, your "needy" part's deepest fears are realized right within you. Your "angry" part is calling her unworthy of love.

It might be especially challenging for you to sit with yourself in times of the withdrawal of others. That may trigger this polarization whereas before it was hidden because the company of others kept it soothed. Watch the things you call yourself and the pain from the need. Can you sit with that? Breathe with that? Afford to be you?

:)

[IrmaJean]

In what you wrote earlier, your "needy" part's deepest fears are realized right within you. Your "angry" part is calling her unworthy of love.

That's a pretty huge insight, finding. Thank you. I know my sense of self-worth is way better than it was, but it still isn't always wonderful. I'll think more about your questions. You're awesome.

[finding my way]

There is so much that is possible for us-- just sharing some of the remarkable things I was taught about need and vulnerability and am still learning...

[IrmaJean]

There is some part of me that keeps annoyed/angry self down. This part wants angry self to be mindful of needy self's feelings. It wants to take care of needy self and nurture her. It doesn't like angry self's judgments of needy self. A part seems to want to take care of her and not let others be cruel to her.

The thought exercises are enlightening. Not sure what part the above is. :confused: Thinking about it all. I don't think annoyed/angry self gets heard very often because this behavior is frowned upon by another.

Intriguing.

[finding my way]

Well you truly are gaining that one step back perspective. Can you see the wide range of positions posted here? Yet when a person is in the grip of one it feels like the only position at the time, and there is a veracity of each perspective--- they each have a role in the system. Being able to look at it and view the interactions instead of being only gripped by them helps so much to learn what it is all about... and learning what they are about makes compassion for them come so much easier.

Maybe soon you can afford to look at angry one some more. Impatience, embarassment, the desire to censor... what does she feel she is protecting, and what is her need? How old do you feel she is?

IJ, don't feel like you have to answer that here... respect your privacy as you need. I'm just showing what this kind of therapy would be like.

[IrmaJean]

When I was in therapy there was some part of me that found the self-discoveries "cool", not that what I discovered was always cool, but cool in the sense that it fit. I think there must be some scientist in me because I like putting the pieces together and seeing how they all make sense.

So let's roll with it then.

Angry self. She wants to protect whole self. She wants whole self to be stronger, more self-reliant, assertive, confident and capable. Needy self keeps getting in the way and angry self is afraid she may chase whole self's friends away. Age? I'm feeling 10-ish. Her need? I'd have to think more about that, but the first thing that popped in my mind was to maintain control.

I feel some kind of turmoil with wanting to be gentle, nurturing and patient with my needier part, but wanting to be stronger too. Wants to be strong, but tender and soft too. And that does fit.

Thanks for the IFS glimpse, finding.

[finding my way]

The IFS branch I was taught has you forge a relationship to a deeper core self, so that as you dance from part to part as life situations demand, no one part is the dominating force, but rather is in service of the greater whole. If each understands its place in the system and is respected by the other parts, there is much less internal warfare.... The toughest part is learning how to unblend when you are taken over by a single part, because that part, when upset, can convince us that that is the only true reality. Thanks for the chance to share, IJ!