smallstar Posted March 9, 2011 Report Posted March 9, 2011 I.don't deserve help or kindness. I have done this myself. I want to stop because this isn't who I want to be. But it's my fault, my decisions. I am this person because I made myself this person. I know I make poor choices. And I keep making them, over and over. Obviously this must be who I want to be because it's who I am choosing to be. Alot of alcohol, alot of coke, and a little heroin, all tonight. And I loved it. I deserve to die. I don't deserve kindness, but I am hoping for it anyway. I don't know what to do anymore. I am destroying my life and I'm not getting any younger, obviously. My decision making is getting worse with age. I'm sorry for being this person. I hate myself, yet I, refuse to change. What is wrong with me? I understand if nobody cares, I don't deserve your caring, but I hope for it anyway. I am alone and scared.
IrmaJean Posted March 9, 2011 Report Posted March 9, 2011 Are you safe, Star? This is my immediate concern for you. You are not a terrible person. Have you ever done anything like this before?
Guest ASchwartz Posted March 9, 2011 Report Posted March 9, 2011 Smallstar,I agree with IrmaJean, are you safe?These drugs cause a lot of depression and it sounds like that is what you are experiencing.By the way, there is tons of clear evidence that people do not "do this to themselves" because there are lots of genetic influences including family backgroud, past trauma and etc.Allan
Luna- Posted March 9, 2011 Report Posted March 9, 2011 Starfish, you are not a terrible person. Try to forgive yourself and go onwards?
Ralph Posted March 13, 2011 Report Posted March 13, 2011 Smallstar,FWIW I can relate to the feelings you expressed. I have been there with the self hatred after relapsing. I am sorry you are or were feeling alone and scared. You are definitely not alone as there are many people who struggle with these problems. We do feel alone because we dare not admit such a problem in public. Being scared is natural in the circumstances you described. I will not judge you or label you as I doubt that would help you. I'm afraid I don't have any answers since I am still trying to figure it out for myself. Yet I do not believe you are a terrible person because a terrible person would not be here in the first place.
khepri Posted March 21, 2011 Report Posted March 21, 2011 Smallstar,I agree with IrmaJean, are you safe?These drugs cause a lot of depression and it sounds like that is what you are experiencing.By the way, there is tons of clear evidence that people do not "do this to themselves" because there are lots of genetic influences including family backgroud, past trauma and etc.AllanYeah, exactly. You don't exist in a vacuum. We are products of our environment. You're not suffering because you're bad, you're suffering because you made an honest mistake. I don't know you, but I know that in my case, I turned to alcohol because I was running from a lot of fucked up shit in my childhood and I thought I could dampen it with drink. Whatever the case may be for you, it is not your fault.There is hope for recovery. I got out, and I've been sober for years, and if a screwed up person like me can claw his way out of it, you can too. It will be painful, both physically and mentally, and it will take time, and it will be confusing and life-altering, but you can do it. You're not a bad person and you're not totally screwed, but the longer you're willing to live this way, the harder it will be for you to change.
khepri Posted March 21, 2011 Report Posted March 21, 2011 Smallstar,FWIW I can relate to the feelings you expressed. I have been there with the self hatred after relapsing. I am sorry you are or were feeling alone and scared. You are definitely not alone as there are many people who struggle with these problems. We do feel alone because we dare not admit such a problem in public. Being scared is natural in the circumstances you described. I will not judge you or label you as I doubt that would help you. I'm afraid I don't have any answers since I am still trying to figure it out for myself. Yet I do not believe you are a terrible person because a terrible person would not be here in the first place.There is no shame in struggling, which is what you are doing. It is the very definition of a struggle -- and you keep getting back up. You'll get there. One day it'll make sense. Just don't give up.
smallstar Posted March 21, 2011 Author Report Posted March 21, 2011 One bad decision after another, there is fault and shame.
randomperson Posted March 21, 2011 Report Posted March 21, 2011 What is hurting you that you feel fault and shame in?
smallstar Posted March 21, 2011 Author Report Posted March 21, 2011 My continued drug use. I know better. But it's okay, I'll figure it out.
randomperson Posted March 21, 2011 Report Posted March 21, 2011 My continued drug use. I know better. But it's okay, I'll figure it out.I know addictions are difficult to break. We are here for you if you need to talk.
smallstar Posted March 21, 2011 Author Report Posted March 21, 2011 thanks. I guess I just need to wait til I make the right decision, it will have to happen eventually.
Guest ASchwartz Posted April 8, 2011 Report Posted April 8, 2011 Hi smallstar,How have you been feeling and how are you doing??Allan:)
smallstar Posted April 8, 2011 Author Report Posted April 8, 2011 Hi allan. I'm doing great, thanks for asking. Things are looking up. Life feels possible.
smallstar Posted April 30, 2011 Author Report Posted April 30, 2011 I messed up again. Now I'm starting over from day one. I'm very ashamed. They say relapse is a part of recovery, but how many relapses? I guess only I can answer that.
Luna- Posted April 30, 2011 Report Posted April 30, 2011 Ah well, starfish. How many days were you at? I imagine the intervals will get longer and longer and become easier as you go. I'm glad you're not saying you're a terrible person, 'cause you aren't.
smallstar Posted April 30, 2011 Author Report Posted April 30, 2011 I'm not sure how many days I was at, I have to look back in my blog. My longest period of time was over a hundred days but 57 of those days were in rehab so that doesn't really count .I really do want to be a better person, I have to stop convincing myself that I need drugs, it's just hard.Anyway, thanks luna , for your kindness
smallstar Posted April 30, 2011 Author Report Posted April 30, 2011 I don't know luna. I just got the thought in my head that I really wanted to break free and have some fun. I couldn't get it out of my head. So I did what I should never do, sent out a couple texts and everything fell into place. And with me it's not just one thing. Coke, heroin, alcohol, sex. Just over and above. But I guess I can consider it a positive thing that the desire isway gone...i just should know better than to give in to ther obsessive thoughts, it never ends well, I always end up feeling worse.
IrmaJean Posted April 30, 2011 Report Posted April 30, 2011 Has this happened in the past after you were feeling good? I worry about your safety being in danger in those types of situations. How are you feeling now?
smallstar Posted April 30, 2011 Author Report Posted April 30, 2011 Yes, it's happened in the past.Right now I'm working at the deli I got no sleep at all so I'm exhausted and it's gonna be a long day. Truthfully, I don't think my brain has really processed the whole thing, ink too tired. I'm upset, but I know it's my fault, I know better. And what sucks is I was doing so well. Sometimes I feel like I'm doomed, I'll never get better.
Luna- Posted April 30, 2011 Report Posted April 30, 2011 It sounds like you need to find ways of breaking free and having fun, without the drugs and alcohol. Sex - well you don't have to abstain, only from high sex. It also sounds like your resolve is back. Don't look at the number of days and think "Well, I might as well ..." - there is only today, remember. And today is clean, right? So will tomorrow be. Remember how good you were feeling just recently ...Still supporting you, starfish.
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