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I am a terrible person


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I.don't deserve help or kindness. I have done this myself. I want to stop because this isn't who I want to be. But it's my fault, my decisions. I am this person because I made myself this person. I know I make poor choices. And I keep making them, over and over. Obviously this must be who I want to be because it's who I am choosing to be. Alot of alcohol, alot of coke, and a little heroin, all tonight. And I loved it. I deserve to die. I don't deserve kindness, but I am hoping for it anyway. I don't know what to do anymore. I am destroying my life and I'm not getting any younger, obviously. My decision making is getting worse with age. I'm sorry for being this person. I hate myself, yet I, refuse to change. What is wrong with me? I understand if nobody cares, I don't deserve your caring, but I hope for it anyway. I am alone and scared. :(

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Guest ASchwartz

Smallstar,

I agree with IrmaJean, are you safe?

These drugs cause a lot of depression and it sounds like that is what you are experiencing.

By the way, there is tons of clear evidence that people do not "do this to themselves" because there are lots of genetic influences including family backgroud, past trauma and etc.

Allan

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Smallstar,

FWIW I can relate to the feelings you expressed. I have been there with the self hatred after relapsing. I am sorry you are or were feeling alone and scared. You are definitely not alone as there are many people who struggle with these problems. We do feel alone because we dare not admit such a problem in public.

Being scared is natural in the circumstances you described. I will not judge you or label you as I doubt that would help you. I'm afraid I don't have any answers since I am still trying to figure it out for myself. Yet I do not believe you are a terrible person because a terrible person would not be here in the first place.

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Smallstar,

I agree with IrmaJean, are you safe?

These drugs cause a lot of depression and it sounds like that is what you are experiencing.

By the way, there is tons of clear evidence that people do not "do this to themselves" because there are lots of genetic influences including family backgroud, past trauma and etc.

Allan

Yeah, exactly. You don't exist in a vacuum. We are products of our environment. You're not suffering because you're bad, you're suffering because you made an honest mistake. I don't know you, but I know that in my case, I turned to alcohol because I was running from a lot of fucked up shit in my childhood and I thought I could dampen it with drink. Whatever the case may be for you, it is not your fault.

There is hope for recovery. I got out, and I've been sober for years, and if a screwed up person like me can claw his way out of it, you can too. It will be painful, both physically and mentally, and it will take time, and it will be confusing and life-altering, but you can do it.

You're not a bad person and you're not totally screwed, but the longer you're willing to live this way, the harder it will be for you to change.

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Smallstar,

FWIW I can relate to the feelings you expressed. I have been there with the self hatred after relapsing. I am sorry you are or were feeling alone and scared. You are definitely not alone as there are many people who struggle with these problems. We do feel alone because we dare not admit such a problem in public.

Being scared is natural in the circumstances you described. I will not judge you or label you as I doubt that would help you. I'm afraid I don't have any answers since I am still trying to figure it out for myself. Yet I do not believe you are a terrible person because a terrible person would not be here in the first place.

There is no shame in struggling, which is what you are doing. It is the very definition of a struggle -- and you keep getting back up. You'll get there. One day it'll make sense. Just don't give up.

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

I'm not sure how many days I was at, I have to look back in my blog. My longest period of time was over a hundred days but 57 of those days were in rehab so that doesn't really count .

I really do want to be a better person, I have to stop convincing myself that I need drugs, it's just hard.

Anyway, thanks luna , for your kindness

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I don't know luna. I just got the thought in my head that I really wanted to break free and have some fun. I couldn't get it out of my head. So I did what I should never do, sent out a couple texts and everything fell into place. And with me it's not just one thing. Coke, heroin, alcohol, sex. Just over and above. But I guess I can consider it a positive thing that the desire isway gone...i just should know better than to give in to ther obsessive thoughts, it never ends well, I always end up feeling worse.

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Yes, it's happened in the past.

Right now I'm working at the deli I got no sleep at all so I'm exhausted and it's gonna be a long day. Truthfully, I don't think my brain has really processed the whole thing, ink too tired. I'm upset, but I know it's my fault, I know better. And what sucks is I was doing so well. Sometimes I feel like I'm doomed, I'll never get better.

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It sounds like you need to find ways of breaking free and having fun, without the drugs and alcohol. Sex - well you don't have to abstain, only from high sex. :( It also sounds like your resolve is back. Don't look at the number of days and think "Well, I might as well ..." - there is only today, remember. And today is clean, right? So will tomorrow be. Remember how good you were feeling just recently ...

Still supporting you, starfish. :)

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