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My world stopped today.....


Jenna520
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I've never had to cope with someone dying my whole life. I'm 27 years old. My grandparents had all passed on long before I came into this world. This morning, my sister in law found my brother dead next to her in bed. 36 years old. I feel awful, I feel guilty, empty, sick, alone, and so much more. I hadn't talked to him in two weeks. He was supposed to come to my sons first birthday party, so I just expected to see him there. I keep thinking about everything, I've cried until my head hurts, and today seems like it has lasted forever. Oh the things I would do different if I had the chance to go back in time. My only sibling, now I'm alone. Part of me is gone, gone to heaven with him, and I'm here, going through hell and left with a void I can't ever feel. I have to make myself breathe, because I don't want to. I don't want to do anything. I want to see my brother, I want to give him a hug, and tell him all the I love you's I had a chance to say but didn't. I feel myself shutting down. I never knew there was a pain such as this.

I remember looking up to him when I was growing up and telling my parents that someday I was going to be like my big brother. I was so proud to have him as my brother. But then he went to college, got married, and eventually I got married, living in separate areas, we only saw each other about 5 times a year if that much. Rarely did we ever talk on the phone in the last year. It was like we were living our busy lives and didn't take time out to just say hey, I love you. Now I can't go back and am left with this guilt that I'll have till the day I die. My heart is broken into a million tiny pieces. I hurt, I'm numb, I'm broke. My brother's gone and I'll grieve until the day I die. Today, my world stopped............ Please pray for our family.

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Today has been much worse than the initial shock of the news yesterday. I stayed in bed until early afternoon, with a picture under my pillow and sleeping with my hand on the picture frame. I've eaten five cookies all day long, had to make myself eat those. Should get the results of the autopsy later this afternoon then I think they'll release the body tomorrow so that we can start the funeral arrangements. I swear when I walk i can feel the remnants of my shattered heart piercing my insides. Oh Charlie, why did you have to leave so soon? I fear I'll never get over this. I miss him so much.

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Jenna, I'm so sorry for your loss. :( This is a painful time for you and maybe especially traumatic because this was so totally unexpected. The barrage of emotions that you have been feeling are very normal signs of grief. This loss being so new, it must be a shock to you. My heart goes out to you and your family, Jenna. I hope that you are able to lean on each other during this difficult time. As time passes you may find that you are able to reflect fondly on the memories of Charlie without feeling so much pain. I believe we stay connected spiritually with our loved ones even when they are gone. There is a connection to love and living that is part of us always. His light stays with you. Please take very gentle care of yourself now, and keep expressing your feelings here if this offers you comfort and relief.

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Thanks everyone for the support. I can't put into words just how much I appreciate it. I've kind of isolated myself in my home, because I feel as though no one understands what I'm going through or what I'm feeling. Expressing myself on the forum helps me a little, and I can use any sort of comfort that I can get.

I've never lost someone to death before. As a matter of fact, my whole life, that's been my biggest fear. I've ran from it, knowing that someday, it would catch up with me. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of losing my loved ones. I never wanted to imagine a life without them. Now I'm forced to live a life without my big brother. Late this afternoon, the autopsy results came back. In the end, the biggest thing about my brother, was the cause of his death. His heart..... He died of a heart attack in his sleep. I know it's sounds impossible, but that morning I had stayed up all night. I sat in the chair and I hears some one say my name. I thought it was my husband, but he was fast asleep. It wasn't until later that morning when I received the news that I began to wonder if it was my brother. My husband never calls me by my name, he call's me honey. It sounded like my brother. We weren't given the time of death, but I just wonder if it was him, my final time of hearing his voice.

The arrangements have now been made, and I'll just be glad to see him again. I know it's just his body, and that his soul has moved on to heaven, but I just want to see his face. I want to touch him.

I had 27 years to tell him I love him, to make memories, and spend time with him. I feel like I don't have near enough memories to last me through my life, not enough pictures, and I didn't spend near as much time with him as I should have, or told him "I love you" near as much as I should have.

Tonight was cloudy, couldn't see the stars, but as tears flooded my eyes and I thought of how much I missed him, but how he felt no pain now, rejoicing with the angels in heaven where he belonged, a shooting star, the plainest and longest one I've ever seen, fell from the sky. I felt like it was charlie's way of telling me it was okay.

The day's to come will be hard. The weeks and years ahead, will be empty. But someday, I'll be reunited with him in heaven.

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It's 10:30 a.m. and no sleep. I'm week and fatigued. I suffer from chronic fatigue disorder anyway, but it's worse. In a way, I feel like I'm punishing myself for not taking the time to pick up the phone and call him the two weeks before he died. I feel guilty for being able to hold my kids, to be able to eat, to smell the night air, to see the sunset,..... all the things he loved to do. He left behind a 6 year old daughter, a 12 year old son, a 14 year old step son, and a 21 year old step daughter, and the sweetest wife. She's such a precious person to have to go through this. Oh how my brother loved her. They were such a beautiful couple. Charlie was a family man. He loved his kids, he loved my daughter, but only got to see my one year old son once. He was supposed to come to his first birthday the day he died. The presents are still here, wrapped, sitting on the table. I swear I feel the life draining from me. I tried to make phone calls to people this morning, to inform them of arrangements, but I just broke down. I'm not getting a whole lot of feedback here. Some advice would really help on how to look at it differently so that I don't grieve myself to death.

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Hi Jenna,

My sis, passed over to the angels when I was a teen. I had regrets, many, of "what if's", and "if onlys". I wished I told her more that I loved her, and spent more quality time with her......................

That was nearly 20 years ago now, I still miss her, I still "talk" to her on occasion as if she was still "here".

I cant really give you any advice, except take each day/moment as it comes. If you feel like crying - cry. If you feel like screaming - scream. Thats the only thing that helps me to grief.............

Try and be kind to you, try not to dwell to much on all the things you wanted to do with your brother, instead remember and talk (to everyone, anyone) about all your fondest memories together - it helps.

Im sorry for you pain, and your loss.

Please take care

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It's 10:30 a.m. and no sleep. I'm week and fatigued. I suffer from chronic fatigue disorder anyway, but it's worse. In a way, I feel like I'm punishing myself for not taking the time to pick up the phone and call him the two weeks before he died. I feel guilty for being able to hold my kids, to be able to eat, to smell the night air, to see the sunset,..... all the things he loved to do. He left behind a 6 year old daughter, a 12 year old son, a 14 year old step son, and a 21 year old step daughter, and the sweetest wife. She's such a precious person to have to go through this. Oh how my brother loved her. They were such a beautiful couple. Charlie was a family man. He loved his kids, he loved my daughter, but only got to see my one year old son once. He was supposed to come to his first birthday the day he died. The presents are still here, wrapped, sitting on the table. I swear I feel the life draining from me. I tried to make phone calls to people this morning, to inform them of arrangements, but I just broke down. I'm not getting a whole lot of feedback here. Some advice would really help on how to look at it differently so that I don't grieve myself to death.

Exactly. What do you suppose your brother would want you to be doing?

(about his having been here with you, and now has gone onward?)

There is a vast difference in the way that typical Italian Widows treat the normal and natural aspect of death, compared to a typical Jamacian celebration.

It is all about focus, and our beliefs about how we imagine we're supposed to behave/be, or needing to 'prove,' as if there is anything we 'need' to prove.

Grieving is nothing more than a choice of focus. A choice to focus on loss as opposed to focusing on valuing what one has, or has had. We tend to make the choices we do according to the beliefs we hold. Is it useful or necessary to grieve? Each decides for themself.

supportive hugs, during these stimulative events. bw

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I'm sorry you're hurting so much, Jenna. ;) I'm listening. I think it is important now to allow your emotions and feelings: sadness, anger, guilt, yearning. Grief is a bumpy road to walk on. I hope that you have some loving support there at home.

I feel like I don't have near enough memories to last me through my life' date=' not enough pictures, and I didn't spend near as much time with him as I should have, or told him "I love you" near as much as I should have.[/quote']

My mom passed away when I was across the country many years ago. I never once sat down with her and expressed to her my appreciation, love, respect, admiration...That still hurts some, but I also know that she must have known, too. I'm sure your brother knew that you loved him. You will always be able to have your love for him, and this is one memory that you can always connect with as you love others.

I feel guilty for being able to hold my kids' date=' to be able to eat, to smell the night air, to see the sunset,..... all the things he loved to do. [/quote']

There is a connectivity with being that goes beyond form, I think. As you feel love for your children, nourish your body, and appreciate the splendor of the earth, you can feel his presence too, in the place where you shared a connection. When you breathe energy into joy and love, you honor him and give back to yourself too.

He left behind a 6 year old daughter' date=' a 12 year old son, a 14 year old step son, and a 21 year old step daughter, and the sweetest wife. She's such a precious person to have to go through this. Oh how my brother loved her. They were such a beautiful couple.[/quote']

I can tell that Charlie has a beautiful family. I hope that you can share time together now and support one another through this. There is shared loss, and perhaps you can give one another comfort and strength in this.

Take very gentle care today, Jenna.

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I am very sorry for your loss. I think if I were you I would feel just as badly , and not knowwhat to do if my brother passed away. We are close. I did , have to bury my biological father a while back. OMG , I was alone , and did it by myself. I had no idea how hard this was going to be. It was terrible, miserable, and very , very painful.

You have the wonderful memories now of your brother . Hold onto the positive experiences with him. I am sure he does not want you to completely fall to pieces. Stay strong , it is ok to feel badly and cry as much as you need to. He went peacfully. Without pain .

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Each and every post has helped me feel as though I'm not alone. It's ridiculous at the things that go through your mind and the emotions you feel while grieving the loss of a loved one. Feeling guilty or living life and going about a somewhat normal routine, kissing your kids goodnight, etc. I painted a memorial plaque today, to show my love, and my memories. It kept my mind busy for about three hours, and when I was done, I made my own little area on a table in the living room to place my cherished pictures, a flower arrangement I made in memory of him, and the plaque. I call it my memory corner. I've gazed at it a good portion of the day. His obituary was published on the funeral home's website just a few hours ago, along with his picture. I wasn't aware it was on there, but my father had called to tell me he missed me, and informed me it was on there. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't hold back the sobbing. I couldn't talk so I just handed the phone to my husband. My father is so worried about me. Not with just how I'm coping with the death of my only sibling, but he's insisted I go to the doctor and have tests done on my heart, as well as basic blood tests and routine tests. Maybe it's just a temporary phase, but he's becoming over protective. I feel like he feels I'm the only one he has left so he's going to protect me until the day he leaves this world.

Tomorrow at 5 pm is the wake, then wednesday is the funeral. I feel sick to stomach, I'm sleep deprived, I'm weak, and I fear I'm going to break down. I don't want my family to see me like this. I don't want to be alone, but when it comes down to it, I'd rather grieve alone than cause more grief to those I love.

Today I was thinking of how much my one year old son looks like me and my brother. He definitely has strong features of my side of the family. He has the same exact birthmark as my brother and I do, and he has my brother's eyes. For the first time really, I saw my brother in him and I smiled.

It's a gaurantee that the next few days are going to be nothing short of hell, and how I'll be from there, I don't know. I have realized life is short so live every day as if it's your last. For all those reading this post...... love with everything you have and tell those that you love of your appreciation and love towards them as often as you can. Today could be their last. God Bless you all and thank you for the outpouring of support.

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Today we buried my brother. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. At one point, when they were carrying the casket out to transport it to the graveyard for graveside services, my knees buckled, so I there's a moment there in my memory that's missing that I can't get back. He's gone now, no more seeing him at all. I can't think straight, I'm alone, and the world don't seem so bright anymore. Words can't describe the way I feel now, so I'll not even attempt it. I just know that this void in my heart is bigger than anything I know. I feel like no one understands me right now. I put my brother in the grave today, and my husband went out wth his friends tonight. I see that as cruel, and I don't understand why he would leave me alone in this time. He's been very short with me the past few days.

Rest in peace my dearest brother. I'll be coming home to see you someday, and we can catch up where we left off.

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I'm sorry that you're in such pain, Jenna. :) I'm also sorry that your husband has not supported you in the way that you need. Did he know your brother well?

I remember that awful aching feeling of longing... Time will help to lessen the painful feelings. What do you remember about your brother that brings you back to your loving self? Was it his smile or his sense of humor? Try connecting with that energy, the gifts that he brought out in you, and you will feel a connection there. Or so this happens with me anyhow, and it has offered me great comfort through my losses. Connection to self, to joy, to love and living...that's where death cannot separate us from our loved ones...because they are with us always...right inside of our own love.

I'm sorry you hurt, Jenna. :( Wishing you peaceful serenity today.

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I just want to thank all of you again for the kind thoughts and words, and expressions of sympathy. Seems as though the members of this forum is the only ones I have for support. God knows I don't want to go to parents and let them see me in this shape. They have hurt enough.

Today as I sit here, I wonder if it's possible to die from a broken heart. I'm weak, my legs are shaky, my broken heart is cutting at my insides. I just wish I was in the shape to drive. I would go to his grave and lay down beside him, and look at the clouds. I know he can't hear me, but I would talk to him for hours. My parents have one child left, and that is me. Without Charlie, I have some awfully big shoes to fill. There's no way I can even come close to satisfying the void left by his loss, I'm just not that great. I don't shine the way he did. I don't touch the people's lives around me as he did.

Day's like today I wonder if I'll survive this, or if I'll grieve myself to death. I love you Charlie, please save me a spot next to you in heaven because someday I'll be coming home too, and the first thing I want to do is hug your neck. My God, I miss you. Rest in peace big brother...

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Hi Jenna

I'm sorry that you are hurting so deeply, I wish I knew how to ease your pain, even just a little. :P

I often talk to my sis, and she sadly died nearly 20 years ago, I dont visit her grave as often as I would like, but have on many occasions visited and spent all day and night at her side, not talking the whole time, but just being with her. I still miss her terribly. I like to think that she is looking down on me and guiding me just as she did when we were kids, and that pulls me through a lot of harsh times.

I also know that she wouldnt want me to be sad for her dying, but even now I shed tears for her. Imagine had she of lived what kind of life she would be having now.

Sorry dont know why I'm telling you this.

The pain eases, its still there, but in time it is not so raw.

I'm so sorry for your loss :D

Take care

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Jenna, I understand that you want to comfort your parents now, but you will do that best by being the person that you are, don't you think? You shine too. You shine with your own light...Jenna's light. Shining your light will honor Charlie and Charlie's memory. This is all very raw for you now. I'm sorry it hurts so much :P. I think it is beautiful that you loved Charlie so deeply. Have you been journaling at all? Writing down your feelings? You might even write a letter to Charlie. Express your feelings, Jenna, and keep talking. We're here and listening. Take gentle care of yourself.

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I wrote a letter to him the night before the funeral. While my daughter was going through her items, trying to find something to send to heaven with her uncle charlie in his casket, I sat down on the couch and wrote him a letter. I poured my heart out to him in this letter, and then I got a picture frame, and found a picture of me and the kids, and taped the letter behind it. Around the frame in gold letters I put I'll see you in heaven. After that my daughter came in the living room carrying one of her most precious stuffed animals. I know why she picked that particular one. It was a lion that she had recieved from a police officer once, when I had been pulled over for speeding. I didn't get a ticket, but the young officer saw that she was scared to death that we were pulled over and he came back with it. She held on to it any time since then when she was scared, especially if it stormed. She didn't want Charlie to be scared when they buried him.

I've tried journaling, but after the funeral, I can't complete one thing I start or even function correctly. Once my pen hits the paper, I draw a blank, as if I can't put a group of words together, or like it's not going to perfectly describe how I feel, all I feel, and be anything close to what my brother deserves. Does that sound crazy? Because I really feel like I'm losing it right now.

Right now all i want to do is go lay next to his headstone in the cemetery, look at the stars and cry until I fall asleep. Actually I would if I had a babysitter, but I don't.

My mother has been a bit short with me today, but I keep telling myself it's just part of the stress she's under but it makes it hurt no less. My husband has been short from the beginning, and I know it's all in my head, but I feel like he feels this whole situation has inconvenienced him in some way. He's shed not one tear... does he not hurt to see wife whom he loves breaking apart?

My head aches, my heart aches, my body aches, and I feel like I'm shutting down. If I recover from this, I'll be surprised. I've had one nervous breakdown 4 years ago, and I've never been the same since. Is this going to be the final one that makes me a vegetable for the rest of my life? I do as the preacher says, I put one foot in front of the other, and keep going, but where am I going? Where is there to go? What lies ahead of me, I don't know, but this can't be it..... I know I'm stronger than this.... or I used to be. I've just got to find that strength to get me through. God, please help me find it.

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I've tried journaling, but after the funeral, I can't complete one thing I start or even function correctly. Once my pen hits the paper, I draw a blank, as if I can't put a group of words together, or like it's not going to perfectly describe how I feel, all I feel, and be anything close to what my brother deserves. Does that sound crazy?

no, doesn't sound crazy at all.

It is clear you've got a lot of beliefs about what one is supposed to do, and experience, having someone close die, and what you believe you're "supposed to do," to prove or establish you care and are a good person, that is all.

you draw a blank, when you approach journalling, because these beliefs get in the way.

Perhaps you can journal examining what beliefs you hold, and whether they are useful, or necessary?

How come you are focused on 'having to' describe how you are 'choosing' to feel?

You feel, and are experiencing what you are, for your reasons and beliefs,

...simply accept, and explore what you can what you are believing about your having to prove or establish anything about your caringness or loving your brother.

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At the moment I'm confined to internet from a cellphone, but I wanted to say something. Th is just happened and it's rough for you right now. I know it's hard to see at the moment , but things will get brighter little by little. Do you have a counselor, Jenna? Maybe the extra support could be helpful. You mentioned difficulty with writing, but you seem to be expressing yourself beautifully here. Have you tried blogging? I have found free writing to be helpful. When you free write, you just let it go and write anything that's on your mind. Simply let yourself be...You being yourself and doing what you need to do right now to meet your needs would honor Charlie. He loved you too and he would want you to heal. Take care, Jenna.

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The usefulness of 'putting it down,' in writing.

Its a way of 'downloading,' fascilitating being more objective, towards getting clear of the confused and disruptive thinking/thoughts, so that one can consider sorting through the useful and the not so useful, and a place of feeling more in control to consider reclaiming their ability to choose again....how one is going to experience whatever.

Everyone has choices. Will we choose to be robotic, or, choose to choose? from 'my friend,' Og Mandino.....a prolific spiritual author, who has gone to the next dimension. hugs bw

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I made an appointment with my family doctor, for my father's piece of mind, to get some heart tests done and routine check up. I had a nervous breakdown before and my family doctor doped me up to the point I couldn't think, so I'm thinking that's the approach she's going to try to take with this situation. Yeah, ofcourse at this moment it would be great thinking if she did that I wouldn't be able to feel my head, let alone my emotions, but the majority of me want's to avoid increasing my anxiety meds and my antidepressants.

I made an appointment with a therapist coincidentally, the day before my brother passed. It was as if I knew, or a higher power helped me make that choice. I'm due to see him June 21st. I'm excited to go talk to someone and get this all off my chest. It's crushing me. I need to keep going for my children, my husband, my parents, and myself.

As to why I can type and express myself, yet I can't put the pen to paper, I'm not sure exactly what's going on there. It's almost like I know that I'm going to keep that journal forever, therefore, when I pass on, it will fall in the hands of another. I just want all the wording to be right, and to give my brother justice. He was such a beautiful kind soul. I'm afraid I'll forget something.... really it boils down to me letting him down again, because I feel like I let him down when he was alive. The last phone conversation we were both rushed, but that's no excuse for me not telling him I love him. I always tell him that. The first and only time I didn't, he passes away.

Today has been a day of memories. I've thought back to when I was little, how he was my protector, and as I got older, he was still my protector, always taking up for his little sister. I remember going to his baseball games when i was 14 and 15 years old, he played on a scholarship at one of the top colleges in kentucky. I sat in frigid weather, through a double header, got my first nose bleed because the wind was hitting me right in the face, but I was so proud to be introduced to his friends as his little sis. One of his college friends came to the funeral that would come home with him on the weekends from college. As soon as he saw me, we both broke down and embraced each other. Memories flooded back to times when I'd hear their laughter, and they would sing their country songs. Oh how I longed for his laughter again, and as we talked, the good memories came out, and he told me things Charlie used to do in college, so I got some new things to remember.

I'm upset about some things, though I know that it's petty, so I won't bring them up. I just know, I'm leaning on God right now, and today, so far, has been better than all the other days, but whose to say that won't change. I appreciate the support and warmth that each and everyone of you have brought to me during this time of grief, and I too am sorry for the losses that you have had to endure. My heart goes out to each of you and my heart felt thanks to all. May God Bless you all, forever and always. Love, Jenna

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It's almost like I know that I'm going to keep that journal forever' date=' therefore, when I pass on, it will fall in the hands of another. I just want all the wording to be right, and to give my brother justice. He was such a beautiful kind soul. I'm afraid I'll forget something.... [/quote']

It's your journal, Jenna, and your grief. I don't think your brother would judge you for any way that you are finding your way through this. He would want for you to express your feelings and heal.

really it boils down to me letting him down again' date=' because I feel like I let him down when he was alive. The last phone conversation we were both rushed, but that's no excuse for me not telling him I love him. [b']I always tell him that. The first and only time I didn't, he passes away.

There could be no way for you to know that this conversation was the last you would have with Charlie. You always told him you loved him. Charlie knew that you loved him, Jenna.

Oh how I longed for his laughter again
It truly is the little recognizable things about someone that endear us so much to them' date=' don't you think? When you remember the sound of Charlie's laughter, this is a place where the connection remains in your heart. It's something of him that brought out your love.

From John Welshons in [u']Awakening From Grief: "The challenge of being human is to find that "Sacred Heart" within ourselves, to smile "the smile of unbearable compassion", to give ourselves and others love, compassion, and forgiveness no matter what happens...even in the midst of devastating loss and grief."

Wishing you serenity, Jenna.

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I thought yesterday was the beginning of recovery for me, but boy was i wrong. Today has been hell. It wasn't until more than half way through the day that I realized that it had been exactly a week since Charlie died. Subconsciously I knew it, just didn't realize it. So starts the grieving process all over again. Damn me for everything that defined me as a sister. He deserved more. I should have told him I loved him on the phone that last time. Guilt has swallowed me whole, I'm drowning in it, and all I can see is a golden casket with my big hearted brother in it, not even looking like himself, cold and the glow gone, everytime I shut my eyes. Guilt and grief do not go well together. Combined with depression and anxiety, its feels fatal. I've struggled to breathe most of the day, panic attacks sneaking upon me out of nowhere. I feel like I've lost my ability to function. I thought I might do myself some good by going to the grocery store but I found myself in full blown anxiety attack in the parking lot. I managed to make it in and out but by the hardest. I know that everyone here is thinking, sheez just get over yourself, maybe you're right.

God help heal my soul. I don't choose to grieve, but it's overwhelmed me and devoured me.

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