Why are you here?

[Mardi Gras]

It was very helpful for me to find I'm not the only person in this situation, too. I came here to find differing opinions, logic patterns that took a different path then my own, and to express myself in a place safe from judgement or ridicule.

Except...we're all in the same boat. Stuck in the same IF and THEN sequences that leads us to FML because I've got a small penis. It's the blind leading the blind, so to speak.

I'm going to be bluntly honest and say that there are essentially two types of people on this forum. The guys whining about their small dicks and the people that check up on the board to commiserate. Then a few exceptions, like bellini, or Dr. Schwarz.

Are we ever actually going to do anything about this? For Christ's sake, I almost killed myself once because of how horrible it made me feel, and it's no way to live. Every time I log on and read the new posts there's at least 1 or 2 people viewing, sometimes as much as 25. People just come here, read, and leave. There's a lot of people that share our feelings that never post a god damn word. Those that do post are either crying or saying "there, there..." to somebody else.

Why don't we each go out and try something to change it? Then we report back and see what works...what doesn't.

Somebody with the time and money needs to take the scary step towards seeing a sex therapist. I can't do it right now, but I will later if I need to.

I'm reading a book called "Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred" by Dr. Patrick Carnes. He wrote the first books on Sexual Addiction in the 80's. Ironically, when he described the sex addict in the book I'm reading now, I realize I've been there, too. It's a 12-step program...like AA. Fortunately this book makes no reference to God, only a promise to yourself to improve your life. I'm weary of the 12 step program, but when I read his description of the Sexual Anorexic, what drives them, what they feel...it's really terrifying how accurate it is.

In the real world most help-groups that meet are goal oriented towards achieving freedom from whatever it is that plagues the members. Alcoholism, Depression, an Eating Disorder, Smoking... This online group has stagnated into a group of self-pitying animals, trapped in a cage they built around themselves, myself included.

We need to get out of this.

Does everybody recognize that there are men in the bottom 10% of size that don't have SPS? Men that lead normal, successful lives, are happily married (or happy bachelors). That's what I want to be.

[Recluse]

More power to anybody out there who wants to try and change.

I am far too pessimistic about this situation to do so. I am 28, only been with hookers on a handful of occasions, and have below average girth. The older I get the more isolated I become and the further I get trapped in these same circles.

As to why I am here, it is helpful to vent and for whatever reason, know that others are in my situation. Not that I wish this on anybody but something about not being the only one is somewhat comforting.

I am not here to dissuade anyone from trying to overcome this but my experiences have told me otherwise. All I will say is that the only things in my future are dead dreams an bleakness.

To those of you who think it is possible to get over this, good luck. I just can't be a positive voice for any of you.

[Loneone]

It is so sad that people let this hold them back from finding love and loving themselves. Everyone is built differently, and everyone has things about themselves they would like to change. As a woman, I would never make anyone feel uncomfortable if they felt like they didn't stack up. I don't know many women that would. Your lack of confidence in yourselves are keeping you from even trying to pursue a woman and a relationship. I don't know many women that truly care what size it is. What matters more is how you touch us. I have a friend that says her best sexual experience in her life was with a man that was not even four inches. She said she didn't even realize it at first, and once she did, it didn't change her mind. I find it amazing how many men stress about this. Normal women don't want the kind of penises you see in pornography. Not even close. We want a man that knows what he's doing.

[IrmaJean]

For other women, such as myself, sex is a deep, meaningful, spiritual experience that is about connection and sharing of self with another. It isn't about perfection or performance. It's about acceptance, trust, and love. My personal feelings and views on this...

I have always related to the painful feeling of perceiving oneself as being sexually inadequate, and/or not desirable. Self-acceptance also holds deep personal meaning for me. So I have felt compelled by the pain in this section of the forum, and I have wanted to help, offer my thoughts. I have moved past my feelings of inadequacy, and know now that what makes me feminine is not measured by whether or not I'm able to achieve orgasm.

Self-acceptance is key.

[gone]

Quote; "Somebody with the time and money needs to take the scary step towards seeing a sex therapist."

What's the difference between a regular therapist and sex therapist? What different questions would they ask? What would a patient tell them differently that they wouldn't tell a regular therapist.

I'm really curious, this isn't an ambush question or going anywhere. I've seen a regular therapist, I'm just wondering how different the experience would have been.

John

[gone]

To those of you who think it is possible to get over this, good luck. I just can't be a positive voice for any of you.

This is why I don't post much. If I can't be positive, I'd druthur just keep my big yap shut. My situation's not exactly a success story.

John

[Mardi Gras]

Loneone,

I agree it is sad that we, myself included, have lets this hold us back from loving ourselves and loving others...

IrmaJean,

I appreciate that you can relate to our feelings of inadequacy and care enough to share your opinions with us on this topic.

I think both of you are right about everything you said. I am deeply touched by your sincere well-wishes for all the male members of this board and the partners of the women that post here (however few there are).

But let me be painfully honest with both of you, we've heard it all before and we don't care. Your words fall on deaf ears because in most of our cases the opposing opinion of some other woman made the first impression long ago.

How many times have each of you posted in great love and empathizing agony that it doesn't matter to you or most women how big a guy's penis is, how much things like love and passion matter so much more. How physically the touch is so much more important. I've read nearly every freaking post on this forum. There's hundreds of posts just like yours and they haven't done anything to help.

We still need you, there can be no doubt about that. In Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self Hatred, Dr. Patrick Carnes states many times from the preface onward that support from others is a key part of the healing process. We will need your support for this journey. Many men on this board aren't as lucky as retr0john or myself to have loving women in our lives to support us. And regardless, we will all need each other.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. -Albert Einstein

[Mardi Gras]

More power to anybody out there who wants to try and change.

...

I am 28, only been with hookers on a handful of occasions, and have below average girth. The older I get the more isolated I become and the further I get trapped in these same circles.

As to why I am here, it is helpful to vent and for whatever reason, know that others are in my situation. Not that I wish this on anybody but something about not being the only one is somewhat comforting.

I am not here to dissuade anyone from trying to overcome this but my experiences have told me otherwise. All I will say is that the only things in my future are dead dreams an bleakness.

To those of you who think it is possible to get over this, good luck. I just can't be a positive voice for any of you.

Recluse, we're the same age. We're still young. It doesn't feel like that to me, sometimes...most of the guys I work with are in their early 20's. And my body feels the disparity. But we've got so much ahead of us to live, we've got to move on from this. John's old as f*ck (just kidding, john) and he's got too long to live to live like this either.

This is why I don't post much. If I can't be positive, I'd druthur just keep my big yap shut. My situation's not exactly a success story.

Either of you, there's nothing wrong with venting. We need an outlet to share our negative thoughts and feelings. But while we share these horrible thoughts, while we listen to them from others, we need to recognize that they are negative, counterproductive to where we want to go with our lives, and for the most part they aren't even true.

This place is also for sharing successes. There are successes... little ones at first and it gets better. We've been living in the dark side for so long the wins will be few and hard to spot. We have to look for them.

[Mardi Gras]

Quote; "Somebody with the time and money needs to take the scary step towards seeing a sex therapist."

What's the difference between a regular therapist and sex therapist? What different questions would they ask? What would a patient tell them differently that they wouldn't tell a regular therapist.

I'm really curious, this isn't an ambush question or going anywhere. I've seen a regular therapist, I'm just wondering how different the experience would have been.

John

Honestly, John, I don't know first hand. I want to visit one, if my state of mind warrants it when I get back to the States I'm going to do it.

All I know is what I've read so far about the difference and from other people's experiences.

I know a sexual therapist has specific experience in the realm of obsessive and compulsive behavior of the sexual nature. I think a regular therapist is probably used to hearing people talk about their jobs, the mundaneness of their lives...shit like that.

A sexual therapist has specific knowledge of how people with different disorders relate sexuality and intimacy. They most likely deal with people that have issues with sexual addiction, gender identity issues, or have experienced sexual abuse and need healing.

Also, they will have heard more fucked up stuff than the stories we have to tell about ourselves. You gotta figure, John, there are a lot more people more messed up sexually than us.

I think they'd ask the right questions. I think you'd need to tell them the honest to god truth. Go a few times without your wife, and when the therapist thinks it's time, take her with.

John...we're going to die soon. Either one of us, at any time. Tomorrow, maybe, or the next day.

I'm telling you, I know first hand how much it hurts and how hard it's going to be. But the only thing that would hurt my soul more is to die before I get to truly enjoy myself here on Earth again. We deserve to be happy.

You and I are so lucky to be married to the women we are. I'm sorry, but the conditions you put on her are bullshit. Just ask her to support you, and leave it at that. I know there's nothing wrong with your balls, John. You just gotta pick'em up and take a step forward.

I'll bet Dr. Schwarz would know where to look for a competent Sex Therapist.

And read the book I'm going to mail you.

P.S.

John, does she know about this forum?

[gone]

"John's old as f*ck" So true

" I'm sorry, but the conditions you put on her are bullshit. Just ask her to support you, and leave it at that. "

Here, I'll disagree. Remember, this was years ago. I just can't see why any of my three conditions were at all unreasonable. Please, specifically tell me where I'm in the wrong with any of them. If she had asked, I might have bent a little on the third. Maybe she didn't really know what she wanted to accomplish with this. But on the other two I stand firm.

She supports me in all ways. She's a good wife and great mother. Sex is the only area we've had any problems. And now that we've not had sex in over five years, we've had no deep discussions or pillow talk at all. It's kinda like 'marriage lite'. She seems to be fine with the fact we'll never see each other nude or be intimate again. Hell, we don't hold hands when walking anymore.

No, she doesn't know about this forum. As far as she knows, everything's warm fuzzy and fine.

John

[IrmaJean]

The frailties of being human...My first instinct was to grab this:

But let me be painfully honest with both of you, we've heard it all before and we don't care.

And this:

There's hundreds of posts just like yours and they haven't done anything to help.

Then my inner critical voice takes over telling me that I don't matter etc.etc. and I never help anyone no matter how much I care and want to. I'm useless blah blah blah...

But then I realize I'm doing the very same things that you are...I'm focusing on the negative and using these thoughts to beat myself up. I could give up, and leave this area of the forum because you've told me that my voice hasn't helped. I could give up trying to help and consider my giving a lost cause. I could focus on the fact that some people don't hear me and I can't help some (or even most) people make positive changes. But, I'm not going to do that because I believe in myself. I believe in my light. I can feel that. True that I want to reach people and comfort them, but I can't always do that...

I'm going to be the person that I am and let myself shine.

You could try doing this, too, Mardi Gras. Don't let the approval of others define you. You're a valuable and worthy human being with the body God gave you.

Take care.

[flander]

Why are you here?

to vent frustrations

[Mardi Gras]

... Please, specifically tell me where I'm in the wrong with any of them. If she had asked, I might have bent a little on the third. Maybe she didn't really know what she wanted to accomplish with this. But on the other two I stand firm. ...

John,

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. Been sidetracked...

I delved back into your previous posts to find the conditions.

One, nothing went beyond we three. I mean NOTHING. I told her if you tell your friends, they'll tell others/husbands/boy friends....whoever, and I'll find out, and at that point I'm done....

Two, if the therapist asks a direct question, we answer. Completely and truthfully. She had a strange habit of wanting to know things about my sexual past, but offered nothing of hers. Unfortunately for her, she tells her friends everything (remember?). I had heard all about the other guys before we went on our first date. I told her I know quite a bit more than you realize.

I said you don't have to offer up anything you're uncomfortable with, but if the therapist thinks it's important enough to ask about, we will have full disclosure....

Three, I asked her....what's the end game? What's cured? When do we finally say that's it. I asked, what do you want to accomplish? Because I don't think I can go back to being the naieve little guy, proudly waving my penknife around like one of your ex boyfriends bayonets. I can't go back to blissful ignorance. Or do we make sex matter to you again? Because I've tried for 15 years to satisfy you and we both know I can't. You'd have to leave to find satisfaction.

1. That's a reasonable request, but the way you approach her with it is paramount to how she feels about the whole thing. I'm sure she knows how much hearing about it from her friends hurt you and she probably feels bad about telling them. In her defense, she needed an outlet for her stress, somebody to talk to. You have this board...the women have their friends.

Instead of being aggressive with it, might I suggest you let go of the anger you harbor for her blabbing before and just say, "I'd really like to keep it private." If you say, "Don't tell people like before..." then it'll just bring up old feelings of pain and anger in both of you. It's time to move forward.

I have told my wife how embarrassing this whole thing is for me...not having a small penis, but letting it fuck my life and our relationship up the way I do. It's my only weakness. I've apologized to her profusely, not for having a small penis, but for burdening her with my mental illness brought on by horrible past women.

I'm fairly certain my wife has told her best friend, or maybe her younger sister. I don't know it for sure but I just have a sneaky suspicion. It's humiliating for me, but I can't hate her for it because she's just distraught and needs her own consolation.

2. This is a moot request because the therapist isn't going to ask you anything in front of her that will embarrass you, other than about the problem at hand (which is bad enough, I know.) I'm sure he or she will not ask your wife any questions in front of you that would make her feel uncomfortable. A sexual therapist will have more tact in approaching the situation than to make either of you feel like you need to lie...the delicate nature of these things is their specialty. You don't need to burden yourselves with this condition because it won't come up.

3. This one, I feel, is mis-guided. I don't think anybody with SPS or their codependents can know the path to healing lies, where it starts or stops.

John, I truly believe that sexual well being for us is a journey, not a destination. I think when you and your wife make love for the first time again, that will be a tremendous victory, a win. And at some point after that there may be a regression, as with many diseases. The war against the disease will continue, and the one-year anniversary of when you started making love again will be an even bigger accomplishment. Might that be a point at which you say you're cured?

...She supports me in all ways. She's a good wife and great mother. Sex is the only area we've had any problems. And now that we've not had sex in over five years, we've had no deep discussions or pillow talk at all. It's kinda like 'marriage lite'. She seems to be fine with the fact we'll never see each other nude or be intimate again. Hell, we don't hold hands when walking anymore.

No, she doesn't know about this forum. As far as she knows, everything's warm fuzzy and fine.

John

I truly admire the bond you have with your wife and I am looking forward to developing the same with mine over our lifetimes. It makes my heart hurt to think of not making love to my wife in that long, and I'm pretty sure I'd go insane without the sex for that long.

John I don't know you, your wife, or anything about yall.

When I read your posts in my head you have a Southern American accent cause that's what I'm used to.

But I am positive that your wife isn't okay with not being intimate with you. I'm positive she's dying inside, and the way she deals with the pain is by shutting it out, ignoring it, concentrating on being a great mother and great wife in all the other ways she doesn't feel inept. She does not have a warm fuzzy feeling about this, her feelings are probably deadened from years of pain.

I told my wife I had been posting on the internet...nothing more than that but she knows what's going on. She wasn't happy about it, but I think she understands. A little part of me wants her to look for, and find this board. Maybe she'd better understand if she read everything from all of us. If she knew I wasn't the only one.

What do you think your wife do if you told her about this place?

On the nights I was unable to be sexual with my wife, I still cuddled with her. I still needed her closeness, then more than ever. My heart still ached for her touch. The sexual anorexia I resorted to to keep the pain away made her feel ugly, unwanted, unattractive. That's especially horrible because any man that looks on her will judge her a 9 out of 10. It's ironic I landed a woman that's so beautiful and has such an attractive body.

I love her more than I love myself, and I can't stand for her to hurt. That's why healing is more important to me now than ever...I have to get better so I can be the best husband for her, the man she deserves.

I think if I decide to see a sexual therapist when I get home I'll tell my wife what I plan to do, and tell her I'll need her love and support to do it. I'll tell her eventually the therapist may want to see her, and it would mean a lot to me if she would be willing to come. I know she'll do it, but I'll still ask her. I think that just me feeling her support will make it easier. I draw so much strength from her.

-mg

[Mardi Gras]

The frailties of being human...

... my inner critical voice takes over telling me that I don't matter etc.etc. and I never help anyone no matter how much I care and want to. I'm useless blah blah blah...

But then I realize I'm doing the very same things that you are...I'm focusing on the negative and using these thoughts to beat myself up. I could give up, and leave this area of the forum because you've told me that my voice hasn't helped. I could give up trying to help and consider my giving a lost cause. I could focus on the fact that some people don't hear me and I can't help some (or even most) people make positive changes. But, I'm not going to do that because I believe in myself. I believe in my light. I can feel that. True that I want to reach people and comfort them, but I can't always do that...

I'm going to be the person that I am and let myself shine.

You could try doing this, too, Mardi Gras. Don't let the approval of others define you. You're a valuable and worthy human being with the body God gave you.

Take care.

It's not like all that, you understand? I can feel the love and compassion pouring out of you with each post. It's just that the tremendous pain, rejection, and betrayal we have all suffered make us deaf to it.

You make a huge difference on this forum and others in the community.

I think we just need a more...aggressively...guided conversation to shake us from our psychological rigidity.

It's like I said before...we need you. The support, compassion, and empathy. Need it. We just need something more, too.

I'm re-learning my self worth along this journey. Trying to accept how wonderful I am. I hope one day I can look in the mirror at my body and my soul and see what my wife sees.

That, to me, is when I'm cured.

[Mardi Gras]

to vent frustrations

since you're here, might as well take the opportunity to learn about yourself, too eh?

want a free book? It's free.

[IrmaJean]

It's just that the tremendous pain, rejection, and betrayal we have all suffered make us deaf to it.

I think you would agree that something needs to change in order for you to feel better about yourself, right? Try to open up to it, put down the wall of pain and rejection you've built up...give other (kinder) thoughts a chance in your mind...

I think we just need a more...aggressively...guided conversation to shake us from our psychological rigidity.

I hope you can forgive my forgetting' date=' but have you ever gone to therapy for this? Some therapists can be upfront and no-nonsense if that is what you think will benefit you.

It's like I said before...we need you. The support' date=' compassion, and empathy. Need it. We just need something more, too.[/quote']

Maybe part of that something more has to come from inside of you too, though. What is it that you are needing right now?

I'm re-learning my self worth along this journey. Trying to accept how wonderful I am. I hope one day I can look in the mirror at my body and my soul and see what my wife sees.

I can tell that you want to try and that says a lot about your potential to accept yourself.

[gone]

MG thanks for your response. I need time to think about all you've said, but a couple things stand out.

"John, I think when you and your wife make love for the first time again, that will be a tremendous victory, a win."

Not going to happen. I'm not really trying to seek out a way to start having sex again, I'm seeking a cure to my sex drive.

Remember, this isn't a new problem with me. We haven't discussed anything sexual for 4 or 5 years now. I can't imagine how I'd even bring this up again.

I really think she believes I'm impotent now and am no longer able to perform at all. I just let her think that, it avoids a world of frustraitions and problems.

"When I read your posts in my head you have a Southern American accent cause that's what I'm used to.

-mg"

Now, how in Hades could ya'll have known that?! I catch good natured hell from my pards all the time because of my southern accent. I've heard myself on tape of course. I talk so slow and lathargic I drive me crazy. My wife and lady friends thinks it's cute. I think it's just plain 'ol me.

I have lived in southern Indiana most all my life. My deep south twang comes from living there when real young for a couple years, then moving back up to Indiana. So now I have the added curse of having a sloooow hoosier drawl. It takes me 60 seconds to say what most folks says in 15 seconds.

Of course, I think folks from Minnosota and New England talks funny and fast.

John

[flander]

since you're here, might as well take the opportunity to learn about yourself, too eh?

want a free book? It's free.

I'm comfortable with what I already know. Any more will just probably be depressing.

I have more than enough books to keep me occupied and I really need to start make a dent in my existing 'inbox' before adding to it. Thanks for the offer, though.

[Mardi Gras]

Not going to happen.

For once in our lives our psychological rigidity is our enemy. As successful as it's made me at everything else...

I'm seeking a cure to my sex drive.

Your sex drive isn't the disease, that's actually the healthy-normal part. Wanting to suppress it is. I think to allow the idea of therapy to enter your mind again means some part of you understands that as truth. Cause obviously a sex therapist isn't going to help you suppress your sex drive... he or she will be trying to help you become comfortable with it again.

I can't imagine how I'd even bring this up again.

Courage and humility?

I really think she believes I'm impotent now and am no longer able to perform at all.

And remembering what you do about her...might it be a pleasant surprise for her? Minus all the bad drama that it's associated with...

Now, how in Hades could ya'll have known that?! I catch good natured hell from my pards all the time because of my southern accent. I've heard myself on tape of course. I talk so slow and lathargic I drive me crazy. My wife and lady friends thinks it's cute. I think it's just plain 'ol me.

I have lived in southern Indiana most all my life. My deep south twang comes from living there when real young for a couple years, then moving back up to Indiana. So now I have the added curse of having a sloooow hoosier drawl. It takes me 60 seconds to say what most folks says in 15 seconds.

Of course, I think folks from Minnosota and New England talks funny and fast.

John

Haahhahahah that's funny. Pure accident, I guess...I'd have no way of knowing that. I kinda assume most of these people are in the United Kingdom, actually. I'm from Texas, I get told I have a little accent but not a lot. I know it gets worse when I get around people from East Texas. Got a buddy from North Carolina, now he's got an accent.

I'm a much better writer than speaker, too. It gives me time to collect my thoughts and express myself more clearly. When my wife and I have had disagreements I've written a short letter to her explaining how I feel, and that starts our conversation. When I do that we are A LOT more productive...I feel like we understand each other a lot better.

On a tangent...My wife got pissed once and said, "I can't even remember my past lovers unless I actually TRY." (Like I ever fucking asked) And that was only 18 months ago. I wonder if after 30 years your wife could remember anything at all? I have no doubt in the accuracy of your memory as her history were described to you by whatever losers decided to tell you that stuff... I just wonder if those events, when eclipsed by everything that has been your wonderful marriage, family, and life together, might be difficult if not impossible to recall for her at all. *shrug* just a thought.

[Mardi Gras]

I'm comfortable with what I already know. Any more will just probably be depressing.

I have more than enough books to keep me occupied and I really need to start make a dent in my existing 'inbox' before adding to it. Thanks for the offer, though.

I've read all those other books, too. This one is completely different. It's not depressing so much as it is...scary, I guess for me.

It sorta made me feel like the whole mental disease was out of my control from my childhood, events that happened when I thought storks brought babies to married couples doomed me to this mentality.

I'm seriously considering typesetting the first part of the book. I type fast, but this laptop has a known-issue with the way the keyboard works on a firmware level...at 60+ WPM it will drop keys. It's very frustrating. Especially for how much I paid for it. :mad:

[Mardi Gras]

I think you would agree that something needs to change in order for you to feel better about yourself, right? Try to open up to it, put down the wall of pain and rejection you've built up...give other (kinder) thoughts a chance in your mind...

I hope you can forgive my forgetting, but have you ever gone to therapy for this? Some therapists can be upfront and no-nonsense if that is what you think will benefit you.

Maybe part of that something more has to come from inside of you too, though. What is it that you are needing right now?

I can tell that you want to try and that says a lot about your potential to accept yourself.

I do try to give the kinder thoughts a chance...but I can't produce them. I need my wife to give me kind thoughts to repeat to myself over and over...and I need her to repeat them too. It's frustrating for her, she says, "Did you just FORGET everything I said last week?" No, Love, I didn't, I just need to hear it again.

I have not been to therapy yet. I hope I can work it out on my own before I go back home, but if I can't I would definitely do it. I can't believe she still loves me the same after all this.

What I need right now...is something to replace the endless loop of insults and humiliations, rejections that play in my head. A positive audio track set at a louder volume. Unfortunately my own voice won't do...I'm just not that simple.

I actually took a picture of my dick a few weeks ago and was going to post it on this website that advertised itself as a "Facebook for your penis." I was hoping random compliments would make me feel good. Once I registered and as I was about to upload the picture I realized it was a gay website. LoL Oh well it was a thought.

[Loneone]

I am sorry again that so many men have the same problem with this. I am sorry if I offended Irma Jean. I don't think it is a failure as a woman to not orgasm. In fact, I think it is something that often stems from either pain or anxiety, and I find it sad that some women are not able to experience this, but I do believe that sex can be pleasurable without climax. I did not mean that men should bear the sole responsibility of performance either. I was in a relationship that was in danger of moving into a sexless limbo due to my fiance's insecurity with himself. He is very thin and kind-of short (not too short at all, but he thinks so more than I do), and I knew he had a chip on his shoulder about that, but I was amazed at how deep his insecurity went. We went for months and months without being able to function. I later found out that he was excessively looking at pornography (to the point that we could not have a sex life). At first, this was crushing to me. I took it as a complete slight upon myself. I have had two children. I work out quite a bit, am in decent shape, and I am not completely oblivious to the looks I get on the street. I do have a few stretch marks, but they just get better and better with time. I just felt so outraged that I kept trying to get him to admit that something was going on, trying to be sexy for him, and bending over backwards, and he was completely retreating under a rock. Now, I realize it had more to do with him than with me. He told me that he had major anxiety about his size and performance with me. He felt that was one of the few things under his control, and that he felt inadequate with me. We have talked much on this subject, and we have closer than we ever have been before. I guess when everything is on the table, you either do something with your hand or fold. It was long and hard, but now, I think our sex life is absolutely the best it has ever been. Instead of worrying about emulating what he thought was HOT, because he had seen it before, I became more vocal about what I wanted and needed. Sex has many different moods and subtle tones to it, and because we have children, we are sometimes very worked up at night when we finally get the chance to come together. We got books on Tantric sex for these nights when our energy takes awhile to sync up together. I have realized that men, too, need to be reassured. I try to let him know that I love him and desire him above all else. He actually commented to me, "Now that I know you actually want to, I feel a lot better". (WTF? Almost 6 years and 2 kids, and he thought I didn't want to?) We are back to having great sex almost every single night, and every experience is different and fun. I feel like we've gotten a new outlook on our relationship. I think sex is different for each person, but I was not content to give up on sex in my life just yet. I am not even 30, and I would've gone crazy. It just amazed me that due to his insecurities, he hurt me very bad. I was thinking that he didn't want me after our second child, that he wanted to move on, that he no longer found me attractive at all, and I was just the mother to his child. He nearly destroyed our relationship, and the fact that we are both able to communicate effectively is the only thing that saved us. I think where this entire rant is going is that I know how this can effect a man as well as a relationship. Even though I thought I had always reassured him, apparently he was suffering in silence and pushing me and our family further and further away. I am so relieved that we have come back from the brink of disaster, and I have been clear that I never want to return to that place, but it is an incredible shame that his biggest fear was being alone with his problem, and he nearly made that happen.

[IrmaJean]

Loneone, you didn't offend me.

I have some nerve damage from the birth of my last child and have lost those type of sensations. When this happened I experienced feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, but I have largely worked through this. That was what I was referring to in my previous post.

The first time I heard the term "tantric sex", I had to google it.... I agree that communication with your partner is very important. I'm glad things are going well for both of you.

[gone]

I have no doubt in the accuracy of your memory as her history were described to you by whatever losers decided to tell you that stuff...

I was gonna lay off posting for a while, but I had to address this.

These wern't losers that told me this stuff, they really were mutual friends. I didn't even know my wife yet, but they knew her and me. They were trying to discourage me from dating her. She was (and still is) very petite, cute. She's still 'hot'. My friends called her "high maintenance". She dated guys that were in much higher circles than me. She's smart, has a masters in education with a minor in computer technology.

I tend to be pretty down to earth, I don't put on airs. She'd only had two guys she slept with locally. (Three in collage, total of five). Both the local guys could blow me out of the water as lovers. Well endowed, money and looks makes for tough competition in bed. (I think I could whup either of them though, if they pissed me off. They didn't start any 'better than me' bragging bullshit when we started dating).

My friends simply thought she was kinda out of my league. I did too (still do), but I went along with the first date, just to pacify the wife of a friend that wanted to set me up with her. I was real suprised when word got back to me she had a great time and wouldn't mind me asking her out again. I had no intention of there ever being a second date. I had to smile, she had made my friends wife promise to give me her unlisted number.

I just treated her like my mom and dad had taught me to treat a lady. Opened the doors for her, held her chair when we sat down at the resturant. I stood up for her when she left the table and when she came back. Dropped her off at her place and left without trying anything. All the ways a guy tries to respect a lady. Dunno, maybe she wanted to give me a second chance.

But no losers were whispering tales of evil to me, just friends trying to look out for my best interests...............maybe they were right.

John

[flander]

Instead of worrying about emulating what he thought was HOT, because he had seen it before, I became more vocal about what I wanted and needed.

Does this mean that you're giving positive feedback during intercourse? Having a woman just lie there as still and silent as a coma patient (except to complain about something) is a confidence killer and reinforces the attitude that a guy with a small penis is bad at sex.