Why are you here?

[Fedup]

I'm trying hard to get over it. My main aim is to have sex with someone and them wanting to come back for more. The only problem I've got at the moment is finding a mutual attraction with someone to have sex in the first place. I've got a few techniques stored in my mind to use yet no-one to use them on :-(

[Mardi Gras]

I'm trying hard to get over it. My main aim is to have sex with someone and them wanting to come back for more. The only problem I've got at the moment is finding a mutual attraction with someone to have sex in the first place. I've got a few techniques stored in my mind to use yet no-one to use them on :-(

That problem is universal for all humans...

[flander]

just a lot more difficult for some than it is for their peers.

[Mardi Gras]

Logged on to try to post something encouraging.

However, I guess I have nothing to say since finding out recently that my wife has been having an ongoing affair with her step brother for YEARS.

I guess size wasn't the only thing she could lie about.

That is truly horrible...

I don't think it has anything to do with your abilities as a lover, she just sounds like a fucked up person.

I heard an interesting parable on Dr. Drew's radio show once...it went something like this.

People will stay in bad relationships because they say to themselves, "I've been with this person for so long, it seems a shame to throw it all away by leaving..." But ask yourself...if you had what was a great job for a few years, and then for whatever reason it quit paying, or your boss turned into an asshole...would you stay working there, or quit and find a better job?

[IrmaJean]

Flander, can you find a small space for light? If you always expect the worst, how will things ever change?

[Fedup]

just a lot more difficult for some than it is for their peers.

You can say that again. I was not blessed with looks at all. I'm a user of facebook and nearly all my friends have been able to get girls from it. In a lot of cases with the girl being the aggressor. Has never happened to me. I might get a date from a dating site every few months after hundreds of rejections but my self esteem was getting too low from the rejetions I closed my account. Got looks and penis problems now. Future doesn't look too bright!

[flander]

Flander, can you find a small space for light? If you always expect the worst, how will things ever change?

I often keep a LED flashlight in my pocket, does that count? If you expect the worst, then you can always be happy when it doesn't happen. Music helps a lot.

[gone]

And it made me feel good...because I could pleasure them. It always gave me great pleasure when they'd say I was the best they'd ever had at that. Or the first that ever made it happen like that.

-mg

MG, I was reading through yours and IrmaJeans posts and was getting ready for an extended typing session (Gawd I type slow) But I've been called into work for an emergency repair. But first I wanted to thank you profusely for your validation in a point I was trying to make eariler.

Yes, it matters to a man when his woman assures him he's the best, that he pleasures her like no other man has!

Thanks again, pressed for time......

John

[Mardi Gras]

MG, I was reading through yours and IrmaJeans posts and was getting ready for an extended typing session (Gawd I type slow) But I've been called into work for an emergency repair. But first I wanted to thank you profusely for your validation in a point I was trying to make eariler.

Yes, it matters to a man when his woman assures him he's the best, that he pleasures her like no other man has!

Thanks again, pressed for time......

John

lol @ emergency repair. what ever happened to preventative maintenance?

[Loneone]

retr0john,

I don't know why, but I find your situation heartbreaking. I don't understand why your wives friends would have been telling you in the first place about all of her previous sexual experiences. You never got it from her own lips, and you may very well be working yourself up over something that was exaggerated. You are letting your marriage drift more and more apart over something that may be getting more out of hand in your imagination. You also pushed her out of therapy when it may have actually helped you and your wife get to the root of the problem. Women are sexual creatures, too, even though we're often depicted as otherwise. I agree with Irma that the closeness has a lot to to with it. You can have physical sex as well, but when you really love someone, it is intense in an entirely different way. You say you still care, so wouldn't you want to solve the problem before it leads to divorce or just living a lonely life where you two are just basically roommies?

[Loneone]

Madis,

I am in the same boat with my fiance. He knows that I am on here quite a bit, but I have not had the courage to tell him my name or anything. I probably will at some point, but so far, I haven't. I guess this goes with the why are you here title of your thread. I really don't fully know, but I don't have many people in my life that really think deeply into themselves like many people on this board are trying to do. I suppose I just like to know that there are still people out there that think of things other than what's on tv, the newest video game, or getting drunk.

[gone]

lol @ emergency repair. what ever happened to preventative maintenance?

Eehhhh, s**t happens. This is a 150hp DC variable speed motor. One of the brushes split, and the brush spring twisted and got into the commutator. The guys changed the motor out last night. I went in today and replaced a module in the drive and reprogramed it.

Just imagine Curly from the three stooges getting into a live 480 volt cabinet....

Duct tape and bailing wire John

[gone]

retr0john,

I don't know why, but I find your situation heartbreaking.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to burden anyone else. Really, this will all work out ok.

I don't understand why your wives friends would have been telling you in the first place about all of her previous sexual experiences.

Some was from mutual friends, some third hand. But in one case the guy involved told his friends the same story. She wasn't making it up or lieing.

This whole thing kinda bothers me though. Everyone thinks what they do, who they sleep with should be hidden away from their future wife/husband forever. This is very unrealistic. What you do before marriage will affect what happens in your marriage later. You have to choose. Either plan on your future wife/husband finding out sooner or later, or don't do anything you think you'll be embarrised to tell your eventual spouse.

Would me not finding out about her former guys have made any of it not happen? NO! She'd still be the exact same person with the exact same experiences as she is today. I'd have just been clueless as to the causes of certain things, and one person making a careless remark would have started an arguement at home. This way I already knew what had happened, wasn't taken by suprise by a untimely revelation, and decided I loved her enough that her past fellers didn't matter. It was only after 15 years of no orgasms on her part for me to start doubting myself.

You never got it from her own lips, and you may very well be working yourself up over something that was exaggerated.

In one case her story and his matched up pretty well. The stories were pretty detailed and matched up.

EDIT: In the interests of full disclousure. She had relayed a couple stories about her college boyfriends, including how the guy she'd given her virginty to had cheated on her and hurt her bad. This was the only time actual size had been mentioned though.

The very first time I expressed concern over my inability to please her and how I thought it might be related to my size, she cut me off about half way through and said "No, size doesn't concern me...I had a guy so big I was sore the next day when I walked. Honey I don't want that, I want you." I wanted to tell her I wasn't talking about something the size of a thermos bottle, just larger than me. But the moment passed.

This was from her own two lips.

.

You are letting your marriage drift more and more apart over something that may be getting more out of hand in your imagination.

We just had out 24th wedding anniversary. 24 years of non orgasms isn't my imagination.

You also pushed her out of therapy when it may have actually helped you and your wife get to the root of the problem.

WOAH! Hold on I didn't push her out of anything. Why doesn't my feelings about this therapy matter at all? My three conditions wern't bad. If I thought she was going to throughly discuss all my answers with her friends (like usual)

I'd have held back and said nothing....what would that have accomplished?! Or maybe we should have just invited all 6 or 7 to sit in with us? Since they'd know every 'F'ing detail within 24 hours anyway.....

Women are sexual creatures, too, even though we're often depicted as otherwise.

Yeah I know. My wife used to be. She had a great time right up untill that ring hit her finger.

I agree with Irma that the closeness has a lot to to with it. You can have physical sex as well, but when you really love someone, it is intense in an entirely different way. You say you still care, so wouldn't you want to solve the problem before it leads to divorce or just living a lonely life where you two are just basically roommies?

I've admitted I'm the best emotional lover she's had. I know mentally she's really peaked with me in a way like no other man. But I'm dead last when it comes to physical satisfaction. Honestly, I seem to be the only one who minds the roomies relationship. And that dissatisfation is fading.

I tried to use a different way of answering. I'm starting to wear on everyone with this. I'm sorry, I don't know what I was expecting. There's not really any answers to this. I thank all of you for your help, you've given me much food for thought.

John

[flander]

Women are sexual creatures, too, even though we're often depicted as otherwise.

Yeah I know. My wife used to be. She had a great time right up untill that ring hit her finger.

I wish I had a nickel for every married guy that's said something similar to that...

[gone]

I wish I had a nickel for every married guy that's said something similar to that...

Did sound like a standard responce, didn't it? But usually it takes a few years for this to take effect....it was instant with us. Stupid, isn't it? 15 years into our marriage she was still just as willing to have sex any time I kissed her as the first year......and still just as unable to orgasm with me.

[IrmaJean]

I can't orgasm with mine either... or alone...or anywhere, for that matter. And yet, our time together is very enjoyable. It's in the connection. It's in the bond. It's in the love. That's what makes this meaningful. I concentrate on all that I have and all that I can give and what it feels like to be held and comforted and loved.

Maybe there is a place for you and your wife to find meaning in expressing yourself through sharing, without the judgments or pressures to perform. Have you ever reconsidered trying couple's therapy?

[gone]

I can't orgasm with mine either... or alone...or anywhere, for that matter. And yet, our time together is very enjoyable. It's in the connection. It's in the bond. It's in the love. That's what makes this meaningful. I concentrate on all that I have and all that I can give and what it feels like to be held and comforted and loved.

Maybe there is a place for you and your wife to find meaning in expressing yourself through sharing, without the judgments or pressures to perform. Have you ever reconsidered trying couple's therapy?

I had to post when I seen the pressure to perform part.

Once when we were in the middle of sex, I just stopped and rolled to my side of the bed and patted on her. She rolled on her side to face me and exclaimed "Are you done?" I said "yeah, I'm fine." She quickly said "No, did you finish?" I said "No, it doesn't matter, does it?" She said "It matters to me." She immediately reached down to make sure I was erect and started to pull me back up onto her. I said "No" then said "I want to know why it's perfectly fine for you to ask about my finishing, but I shouldn't ever ask you the same thing because I'm trying to pressure you into an orgasm."

She just looked at me and didn't say anything. I was calmed down (temper and sexually) and I asked gently "How's it feel?" She said Not very good, now please make love to me and finish. But I said "This is the first time we've made love and I haven't finished, but feeling bad is becoming an everytime thing for me. Everytime we make love I hold you afterwards knowing I've finished, but you haven't." I told her "How you feel right now, not very good is how I'm starting to feel everytime we're done." The time to resume had long past. I felt bad, but I was desperate to make this point with her. She simply snuggled up to me and we both fell asleep.

None of this did any good what so ever, she just never caught on.

John

[IrmaJean]

For some reason, in reading this, I get a sense of something that I relate to.

Are you sure she doesn't have any difficulties with achieving orgasm in a way that has to do with her and not you? I didn't tell my husband about this for years for fears that he would be disappointed with me or that it would leave him feeling inadequate. I could be relating too much of myself in this, but it's also possible that she already feels terribly about this. She may herself feel inadequate and perhaps this is why she chose to make intimacy about you. I know, for me, a big part of why I felt so awful and inadequate was because I couldn't give him the feelings of having satisfied me in that way. You won't really know where she is coming from with this unless you open up and talk with one another openly. I hope that you consider it.

[gone]

For some reason, in reading this, I get a sense of something that I relate to.

Are you sure she doesn't have any difficulties with achieving orgasm in a way that has to do with her and not you? I didn't tell my husband about this for years for fears that he would be disappointed with me or that it would leave him feeling inadequate. I could be relating too much of myself in this, but it's also possible that she already feels terribly about this. She may herself feel inadequate and perhaps this is why she chose to make intimacy about you. I know, for me, a big part of why I felt so awful and inadequate was because I couldn't give him the feelings of having satisfied me in that way. You won't really know where she is coming from with this unless you open up and talk with one another openly. I hope that you consider it.

IrmaJean, in thinking about what you said, can I ask one question?

Did you use to have orgasms with your old lovers and then found you couldn't with your husband? Or have you never been able to orgasm?

John

[gone]

What are your positive qualities, John? What do you like about yourself? What do you think your wife appreciates and loves about you? Just some thoughts to consider.

Take care.

I've got to admit, this has stuck with me.

I've wondered in the past just why such a cute and smart lady would ever go out with me, let alone date and eventually marry me. When we're walking down the street I have to give hope to other guys like me. They've just got to look and say "what is a nice looking girl doing with a guy like that?" It happens, that's all. She's the smart, good looking one out of the mix. She could have had a doctor or something. She was asked out by guys while we were dating. After our first date, she started turning them down.

Luckly the kids got her smarts and poise. Probably the only thing they got of mine is their musical ability. Sarah can't carry a tune in a bucket, but I play a couple insturments. All my kids play. (daughter plays four, she's more talented than me by far.)

I don't have any shining qualites. I'm stable, work hard, don't spend a lot of money. (read dull and predictable) Go to work, direct deposit the check and pay more parent plus college loans. This whole stopping sex thing must have seemed like a bolt out of the blue when it first started.

I'm embarissed to admit it, but I've never been in a strip club. I've never tucked a buck. I really hate to admit this, but I went to disco clubs in the early 80's. I can dance ok, used to take my wife dancing a lot. Read to my kids a lot, was Cub Master in my boys pack for two years. Took my girl to father daughter dances. Now I'm teaching her to drive. Both the boys are in college. They grow up fast.

I'm in industrial maintenance, mostly electrical and work part time as a contractor. When we were first married, I overheard my wife describing how she'd like her dream kitchen. I got some help from friends for the demolition, and then remodeled the kitchen of our old farm house we'd bought. Our rooms are huge with 10' ceilings. We still sleep in the same antique four poster bed we had as newlyweds.

Real exciting stuff, huh? Sounds like a study in 'flyover country mediocraty' to me. I'm not wining and dining her everynight, that's for sure. Even with both our incomes she doesn't get the lifestyle she deserves.

Ehhh, enough crying...... This too shall pass, things will get better.

John

[IrmaJean]

Did you use to have orgasms with your old lovers and then found you couldn't with your husband?

My husband has been my only lover.

Or have you never been able to orgasm?

Yes, I could with my husband up until I gave birth to our last child. It's a physical issue, but I have had to deal with the resulting emotional aspects of it. Some of those feelings involved feeling badly about how my perceived deficiency affected him. I felt broken...like damaged goods. Less of a woman. That kind of thing.

What I was suggesting was for you to consider the entire picture here (you, your wife, your feelings about one another, how each of you feels about yourself) rather than to assume it has everything to do with you.

[IrmaJean]

I don't have any shining qualites. I'm stable, work hard, don't spend a lot of money.

Maybe you're not giving yourself enough credit. Hard-working and stable. Those are great qualities!

I'm embarissed to admit it' date=' but I've never been in a strip club. I've never tucked a buck. I really hate to admit this, but I went to disco clubs in the early 80's. I can dance ok, used to take my wife dancing a lot. Read to my kids a lot, was Cub Master in my boys pack for two years. Took my girl to father daughter dances. Now I'm teaching her to drive. Both the boys are in college. They grow up fast.[/quote']

I like disco now and then. Reminds me of a time when I was younger. Reading to your kids, being a cub master, father-daughter dances? Being a family man and spending quality time with your children is wonderful! Those memories will stay with your kids as they grow into adults, John.

I'm in industrial maintenance' date=' mostly electrical and work part time as a contractor. When we were first married, I overheard my wife describing how she'd like her dream kitchen. I got some help from friends for the demolition, and then remodeled the kitchen of our old farm house we'd bought. Our rooms are huge with 10' ceilings. We still sleep in the same antique four poster bed we had as newlyweds.[/quote'] So you are thoughtful then as well. another great quality.

Real exciting stuff' date=' huh? Sounds like a study in 'flyover country mediocraty' to me. I'm not wining and dining her everynight, that's for sure. Even with both our incomes she doesn't get the lifestyle she deserves. [/quote']

Sometimes "real" is exciting. At the end of the day, it's the little stuff that counts most. I think anyhow.

Ehhh' date=' enough crying...... This too shall pass, things will get better.

[/quote']

It's good to express your feelings. And your openness to things improving is always great to see.

Take care.

[gone]

My husband has been my only lover.

Yes, I could with my husband up until I gave birth to our last child. It's a physical issue, but I have had to deal with the resulting emotional aspects of it. Some of those feelings involved feeling badly about how my perceived deficiency affected him. I felt broken...like damaged goods. Less of a woman. That kind of thing.

What I was suggesting was for you to consider the entire picture here (you, your wife, your feelings about one another, how each of you feels about yourself) rather than to assume it has everything to do with you.

I really hope your husband is understanding with this, none of this could be construed as your fault. You can't blame your self for things totally out of your control.

My wife used those exact same words...less of a woman...broken...damaged.

You see all three of our kids were delivered C section. She tried so hard for hours to deliver the first two vaginally and was just too small to pass them. With our youngest they didn't even try, they just took her.

Sarah was shattered. For some reason she equated not being able have the kids 'naturally' as a huge defeat to her womanhood. She was in her eyes damaged goods. Our kids were perfect. She carried them for all that time, I couldn't have cared less how they actually came out. But she was sure I was disappointed in her and thought so much less of her. It took months for me to bring her around. I was (still am) mystified as to why this was such a make or break point for her.

John

[gone]

My husband has been my only lover.

So, you mean he's never had to deal with the stress and anxiety of worrying about your former lovers and boy friends. You've never seen him stress out over this or had to reassure him. I can see now why you couldn't understand my point about worrying about being your wifes best. He is (your best).

He's a very lucky man. I'm green with envy.

John

[CantGiveItAway]

Hi John,

You can't blame your self for things totally out of your control.....

I can see now why you couldn't understand my point about worrying about being your wifes best.

Well isnt there alot of men here who blame themselves for having the size penis they have, they couldnt have any control over that. I think people can come to an understanding of anothers situation without necessarily having to go through the exact kind of expereince themselves.