When its NOT the illness talking......

[SweetSue]

What ya meant to do when your so fed up with existing like a freak, and it aint the depression, PTSD BPD etc... causing it?

Ive had enough, with the nightmares, enough of hallucinations that cant be kept under control with medication, or therapy, more than enough of the voices that haunt me day in day out and refuse to shut the F up.

But Of all the things what is making me want to just give up, is everything going so devastatingly wrong all the time. Of it hurting so bad inside I wanna curl up and die. Thats not a illness - its the story of my perfectly screwed up life. And there is no magical 'cure' or medication for that.

HA and then ofcourse there is the most recent of my brilliant episodes of screwing things up - resulting in yet another suicide attempt FAIL - pathetic :mad:

Coz seriously, who the hell wants to be alive like this? I dont.

People just dont 'get it'. Nurses, and pdocs dont 'get it'.Unfortunately - I cant explain it - too embarrassed.

Killing time till I can exit - sheeze I hate life, hate everything about it.

Im not ill - Ive just had enough.

[Jenna520]

Awww, Sue, honey, I;m sorry to hear you are struggling so much. I can understand, but I hope you do know that you are important and suicide is not the answer.

You said you were too embarrassed to speak of your problems to your doctor. Hon, they can't help you until you are able to explain what's going on. If it helps, write it down, and hand them the papers. I have the same problem of putting things into words, also wondering how they are looking at me.

Is it possible that you are having side effects from some of your medicine? I just had an awful experience with Risperidone, I just posted a thread on it, and it made me experience things I'd never experienced before. Some of the side effects were listed on the warning label, but not all of them, but the doctor said the medicine alone was causing me all these issues I was having. He had prescribed it to me for PTSD. It's just a possibility to explore. It seemed like the longer I was on the medicine, the worse I got. THe first week I was great and felt like a million bucks.

Seek out that thing to live for Sue. Find that thing to keep you going. You need motivation and most of all hope. There is help for you honey, you just need to be able to open up and be honest with your doctors. If push comes to shove, get a second opinion and evaluation.

In a world where mental illness is not widely accepted or understood, it's hard to find support, especially from loved ones. NO one knows what it's like unless they've been there. I'm here for you when you need me Sue. It saddens me to see you so distraught. Please PM me if you'd like to talk. I will be on and off of here all day long. Sometimes just talking about it makes things more tolerable until you can come up with an action plan.

Don't injure yourself sweetie. It's not the answer. I for one, would be heart broken, along with many on here. We are here to support you. Do you think writing a journal of all your feeling and symptoms you're having would help give your doctor a look at things you are unable to talk about? It's worth a try, don't you think?

[eppursimuove]

hello sue, i hope u get better and leave these toughts behind.

[IrmaJean]

I hear you, Sue. You're in pain and distress and sick of it.

Depression can distort your thoughts in a way that makes it very difficult to see any possibilities for improvement. But things can get better for you in your life, Sue. The place you're in right now hurts. I'm sorry for your pain. You can find a way out. Can you try allowing the possibility? If you can't right now, I understand.

I hate life' date=' hate everything about it.[/quote']

Can you think of one thing today about life and the world that you don't hate?

We're here and listening, Sue. I hope you will keep expressing yourself.

[Lana73]

Coz seriously, who the hell wants to be alive like this? I dont..

How can we help to ease your pain Sue?

[SweetSue]

thanks for the replies - sorry i dont have any answers.

i dont think im ill - ive just had enough.

wrote out on a scrap of paper last night, what was going on - truthfully. it was too painful to finish it. so i screwed it up and lobbed it into the bin. if i cant bear to write it, how on earth do i tell anyone?

been tryna think of just one thing that i dont hate about this world im in, and honestly i cant find anything, when i think ive found something, the negatives attached to it makes me hate it even more than i did originally.

if i cant help myself - even if only a little bit - how can anyone else help me?

big parts of me have shut off, they dont want help coz they realise it is pointless. the rest of me might still want to somehow cling on for all its worth - just on the off chance, but they are so very tired of being given false hope and ultimately getting really hurt.

people say that im strong, that in time i will be able to do what i usually do - pick myself up off the floor, dust myself down, stand up tall and put one foot infront of the other. keep going.

im not strong, ive never felt so weak and desperate for things to just stop. my head is telling me that there is only so many times it is humanly possible to keep picking yourself up again, and my head realises i reached my limit long ago.

im exhausted

thankyou for listening, i know there is nothing anyone can say, just wanted to see if i could allow myself to try and be heard

[DarknessRules]

you were the first person to welcome me to this community. the first person to send me a friend request here. i understand how you are feeling now. i may not know the conditions of why but i know the feeling. even the good things in life such as hope and love are just painful and there seems to be just one way out. feeling like at this time all that is known is pain and dispair. i may not be able to say a few words to take that pain away. not a single person can when it gets like this. but its not just one person. there are alot of people here that care. that want to see you happy and enjoying life. we know that thats a hard thing to do as we are all goin through problems. fighting to get by day by day. some of the things you said in the first post of this thread i experience myself. like seeing things. i see dark twisted things that fill me with fear every single day. and hearing voices. they tell me that im not worth it and the world would be a better place without me. but its my friends that get me through it. most of them dont even know theres anything wrong as i hide it from them. but i know that they care about me alot. and that gives me the strength to keep going. to keep fighting. to stay alive. just know that we are here. sure we may not know everything that is goin on right now but we are here for you. we care a great deal about you. we want to help you through this. to help you pick yourself back up so you dont have to do so on your own. your a great person.

[IrmaJean]

we care a great deal about you. we want to help you through this. to help you pick yourself back up so you dont have to do so on your own. your a great person.

I wanted to echo all of this. Beautifully written, DR. We care and want to be there for you, Sue.

[Athena]

Sue, you're such a huge part of this community. You have so many kind words to offer others. You have an IMPACT on this group. You are heard here, whether you are in pain yourself or helping others get through theirs.

I'm sorry that words of support can't change your life but I'm hoping that they can help you tolerate it a little better until the day it actually gets better. Please reserve a little room in your heart for hope.

[SweetSue]

thankyou for all of your kind words, its nice to know people care

im struggling big time. dont know why i cant/wont allow myself tell the p/doc or my therapist about, erm....stuff. maybe its the fear of someone knowing. want to erase things. tis imposible though. can feel myself shutting off completely again. its hard to find a part of me that gaf :mad:

[IrmaJean]

There's a part of you that gaf about others. Can you connect with that and feel it from within?

Try telling pdoc/therapist that you're having trouble telling them things you need to tell them. Maybe that would be a start?

[SweetSue]

wish I could :(

shoulda said something this morning - couldnt. i just sat there dumb and numb, and nodded or shook my head like one of them nodding dog toys.

never mind. its over now. i just couldnt try.

[DarknessRules]

try not to think of it that way. its not really over. that was just one try. its hard. but you will have another chance. just keep trying. notice that im not very good at this? talkin to people i mean. i sometimes can say the perfict thing but most of the time i just dont know what to say. it gos really deep. most of the time i just cant bring myself to talk. and i have to keep going back and seeing what i said and when i do i just cant normaly bring myself to post it. afraid of saying the wrong thing. so i... well its hard for me aswell. but i just keep trying. infact this message has taken me about an hour to type up. maybe longer. and i had to rewrite it a few times. but i feel its something that should be said. so here it is. dont give up. just try again next time. you might have better results. i know its hard to hope at this point and i know it might not mean much but ill hope for you.

[Lana73]

Originally posted by DR

try not to think of it that way. its not really over. that was just one try. its hard. but you will have another chance. just keep trying.

Totally agree with DR and also remember how many people care about you.