Can't continue living like this...

[TimWake993]

Hello guys,

Its been a while since i posted here, but i am going through a bit of a crisis right now, and i'd like some help and advice please.

So basically for the past couple of years i have had a personality disorder. Basically i come up with a new "person", lets call him Eric for example, and then i would assign values and behaviors to Eric, things that i would like to do in my life, like be nicer to the people around me, work harder, exercise, etc. And then when i would feel like i have painted myself a good enough portrait of Eric, i would try to become Eric, if it makes any sense. I would basically try to forget about my own life, my past and everything, and become this brand new person that personifies everything i ever wanted to be and have this "brand new life".

But then, when i would actually "become Eric", it would not work out. I can't really explain it but i would feel very bad inside of me, like i am doing something terribly wrong, and eventually i would abandon it and go back to being myself. Then i would be OK for some time, but sooner or later i would start harvesting ideas of becoming "Eric" again. Its been a vicious cycle for about 2 years now.

Lately i think I've been doing better because i started asking myself why i can't try and become this "better" person while still being myself. Basically remain me but try and change my life a little bit and start doing those things that i said i would do in my "brand new life of being Eric". But, i don't know how to explain it, but it just doesn't "work" in my mind. For the longest of time i've been set on becoming a better person in my "brand new life", so the concept that i can remain myself, but improve myself as a person, just seems so strange and impossible to me. I'm not sure if there are self-esteem issues involved that make me feel like i can't be better as a person then i am now, or if I've just gone completely mad, that's why i'm here i suppose.

Any help or advice would be much appreciated.

[devils daughter]

Tim, I think that I became the “better person” – doing the “right” thing according to my parents and later society’s values – at about 5. The real me wasn’t acceptable, or so I felt, but the “good little girl” that I tried to be was. That probably became the basis of an obsessive-compulsive personality disorder when I was an adult. The last few years I’ve been trying very hard to get the real me out, and to help her get socialized because some of her behaviors are still pretty immature.

Point being – sometimes it may seem like a good idea to be someone other than who we really are, and I did what I did when I was 5 because it seemed like the only thing I could do at the time, but eventually our real self wants to be real. I think the key is finding ways to be that person and not have consequences that we don’t like. And if you have unresolved trauma, like from your grandmother’s illness and death and some other things that you described, then those unresolved issues could lead you to want to be someone else, to get away from them and their lingering effects.

From what you have written on this forum previously, it sounds like your parents have a lot of their own problems and you don’t have a lot of support. Can you look for some mental health resources on your own? You deserve to have a good start on your own life and I hope that you will find some professional help to do that.

[TimWake993]

Thanks for your response.

I do feel like the real "me" is trying to come out, but a very big part of me wants to suppress "me", and wants me to be that dream person that i've been trying to become for the past 2 years. Its like i am splitting apart inside of myself, a part of me wants me to be myself, and a part of me wants me to achieve this "brand new life".

Thing is, i don't know in which direction to go, i am utterly confused. When i described this "brand new person" called "Eric" in my opening post, i was mostly talking about how it was about a year ago, back then i truly did want to become somebody completely different. Now i still want to have a fresh start, become somewhat different, but i am still trying to be more or less myself. Basically inside of my head i am saying "On this day i will start my brand new life, i will remain myself but i will adopt certain values and ideas that i did not have in the past". Not sure if this makes any sense but its the best i can desribe it.

One key concept remains though, whenever i try to start a "brand new life", i try to forget my past.I say to myself that i'll still be "aware" of my past, but i won't think about it anymore, basically i will have lived and forgotten the past.

Maybe that is the problem, my incapability to deal with my past preventing me from moving forward, i have no idea. Thing is, i don't even dwell on my past that much nowadays, it doesn't really affect me in my everyday life, just the fact that it "exists" is what bothers me.

Really i think all i want is a fresh start in my life, turn over a fresh leaf and start writing a new story without ever dwelling about what hapenned in the past. But since it is impossible, i try to mentally coax myself into thinking it is by "blacking out" the past. But so far i have not been successfull.

[devils daughter]

After the obsessive-compulsive personality disorder fell apart about 10 years ago, I was in chaos emotionally. There were several distinct “dissociated” emotional parts. They had not been very apparent, usually, when the obsessive-compulsive personality was keeping everything in line.

So, I really understand about different parts. Apparently I learned how split or ‘dissociate” when I was a little kid because of problems in the home at the time. It sounds kind of like you are – or maybe I should say your nervous system is -- trying to do that now, because of the pain in your past, but it’s not so easy to do when you are older. Still, it can happen, and it is one of the well-known effects of trauma. But it usually ends up causing problems later because the dissociated parts or memories aren’t really gone, as you know.

So I come back to – can you find a way to get some professional help? Dealing with these things is really difficult and having another person who can help navigate is really a good idea. It doesn’t mean that you are deficient or anything – it’s just that you had an injury that needs attending to so that it can heal correctly and not leave you crippled.

I also understand that at 18 you are at a time of your life when many folks are finalizing a notion of who they want to be – their identity. But with the unresolved trauma and the different parts that is hard – or impossible? – to do.

I can really understand how hard all this must be for you. Hopefully some other folks will chime in with some other ideas, too.

[medlem]

it sounds like your parents have a lot of their own problems and you dont have a lot of support. Can you look for some mental health resources on your own? You deserve to have a good start on your own life

These lines spoke to me a lot. That's the basic, foundation, our ground! Everybody need to have ground "under the feat". If there is no, then.. it's very bad.

The solution would be to build a stabile ground under your feat.

That's a big issue for me too. My parents who were my ground, is not anymore. They are the ones who hold me from being me, they bring me down. Can't dump them either (it wouldn't make me feel better). My mother is like a radio, can't trust her. Privacy is very important for me.

My father is too sarcastic, no matter what i say he'll always find something. He doesn't even accept my mental illness. He will not understand that i'm unable to do a lot of things. So there is no support.

so i've lost my ground. And without it you can not move on.

I love your words DD, what you said is very important.

But the question reminds - how?

Long term therapy - maybe.

But what if one can't afford it..? Like me for example.

Maybe someone else have some idea how one can grow strong and big and finally - emotionally independent.?

That would be very nice and helpful if anybody had any idea about that

[TimWake993]

After the obsessive-compulsive personality disorder fell apart about 10 years ago, I was in chaos emotionally. There were several distinct “dissociated” emotional parts. They had not been very apparent, usually, when the obsessive-compulsive personality was keeping everything in line.

So, I really understand about different parts. Apparently I learned how split or ‘dissociate” when I was a little kid because of problems in the home at the time. It sounds kind of like you are – or maybe I should say your nervous system is -- trying to do that now, because of the pain in your past, but it’s not so easy to do when you are older. Still, it can happen, and it is one of the well-known effects of trauma. But it usually ends up causing problems later because the dissociated parts or memories aren’t really gone, as you know.

So I come back to – can you find a way to get some professional help? Dealing with these things is really difficult and having another person who can help navigate is really a good idea. It doesn’t mean that you are deficient or anything – it’s just that you had an injury that needs attending to so that it can heal correctly and not leave you crippled.

I also understand that at 18 you are at a time of your life when many folks are finalizing a notion of who they want to be – their identity. But with the unresolved trauma and the different parts that is hard – or impossible? – to do.

I can really understand how hard all this must be for you. Hopefully some other folks will chime in with some other ideas, too.

Once again thanks for your reply.

I have though about professional help...but i don't know. My situation is so difficult, its hard to explain everything without writing an absolutely gigantic wall of text that few will bother to read...the closest thing i have found to my state is dissociative fugue, but there are a lot of differences between what i'm going through and the description of this condition, for all i know this could simply be hormones and a particularly nasty part of growing up and reaching adulthood emotionally and mentally.

But the main thing that i cannot understand, is that 99% of the time, i feel absolutely normal. I don't feel depressed or angry or any of the like, i'd say that i'm even happy with the way life is going (finally decided to go to college and filled an application not too long ago). But every once in a while, the wheels will simply come off like they did now, and i'll feel depressed and borderline suicidal for a couple of days until things settle again.

If there is indeed a mental disorded inside my head, its buried deep, and only manifests itself when something particular goes on in my life. In this situation, last monday i was meaning to start this "brand new life", but once again it didn't work out and i abandoned yesterday evening. Simply that this time i'm fed up, frustrated beyond belief that i've thrown away 2 years of my life going through this. I want to either make this "new life" work, or simply try and be myself, which isn't an easy task either.

I'd also like to say a little bit on the subject of my past...I did go through a lot, my grandmother's illness and death, social rejection in school, academical failures...For the past 8 months i've been on a sabbatical year, trying to put this all behind me. And i think that i did, somewhat. All of those things...they really don't bother me much anymore, i don't think about them on a daily basis, i don't like to be reminded of them but they're not affecting my life as much anymore.

But still, for some reason i have this notion in my head that i can't move on without forgetting the past. Without acting like it never existed. I simply don't know why, and i don't know if what i am trying to do is even possible. Many people say time is a healer but how long will i have to wait before i can move forward in my life again?

Edited April 26, 2012 by TimWake993

[TimWake993]

Sorry for the double post, but i've been doing a lot of thinking over the past hours, and i'd like to write it down somewhere, maybe it'll help me.

I'd like to ask, am i crazy for wanting to have this "brand new life" and to have it succeed? I know that in the opening post i talked about becoming a brand new person called "Eric", but its not really like that anymore. I don't want to change my identity or pretend i'm somebody else, i'm trying to be myself, but a BETTER version of my own self. Basically i am saying "Alright on this day i will become a brand new person, i will still be myself but i will adopt certain values and behaviours that i feel will make me a better person." Am i crazy for doing that?

Why i want and need to forget my past in order to make this work, i do not know. I simply feel that if i continue to carry this "baggage" of emotions and memories, i can't be the person that i want to be. I do not know why. Maybe its because i don't like who i am. Maybe its because i have such low self-esteem that i think of myself as a bad and rotten human being for all the things i've done and experienced in the past, and that i cannot possibly become a better person no matter how hard i try.

That's why the only path to becoming a better person goes through putting the past completely behind me, not thinking about it anymore. Ever.

I guess what i'm trying to do is mentally give myself a new start. Like starting my life over again, if it makes any sense. But is that possible? Am i crazy for wanting and trying to do that?

[malign]

"Crazy"? I'm not entirely sure what crazy looks like (and I've met people having full-blown psychotic episodes), but I don't guess it includes sitting down at your computer and typing out your problems with the goal of working on them. Whether or not it actually works, it doesn't seem crazy to try. Not because any of us will be able to solve them, but because it gives you a chance to put it all into words so you can look at it.

I think a lot of people wish their life was perfect. Then, it seems likely that at least some of those people might wish that their currently very imperfect life could be started over, so they could try again.

The difficulty that you've already encountered is that no human life is perfect. You can try for reincarnation as a divine being or an alien, or you can accept your fallibility. Lots of people have difficulty with that acceptance, and possibly that _is_ something that talking to a professional might help you with. I can't know the reasons why you want that level of perfection, so I can't guess how you'd go about allowing yourself to accept not getting it.

[TimWake993]

I did strive for perfection at one point, however I think that my disorder has evolved or perhaps even improved over time. Right now, i realise that i can't be perfect, no matter what i do or how hard i try. Its something i've accepted and something i've had little to no trouble dealing with.

I think my problem really may be self-esteem related. For some reason i simply can't see my own self, as i am now, becoming a better person. A part of me makes me feel like no matter how hard i try, i will always be a loser, a social reject, selfish, lazy, uncaring, etc.

I feel like if i can't make this "brand new life" work, i am eventually going to give up on my life. And i don't even want to think about what will happen next.

[malign]

There's not a person alive who doesn't change at least a little every day, 'cept maybe that guy in the movie "Groundhog Day". ;-)

Of course, it's easy for those changes to be obscured by a mood disorder like depression, or by value judgments about what one has done or been in the past.

That was a long list of perceived faults, though. Self-esteem issues it is, then. Is there a way to work with a professional on why you feel so bad about yourself?

[TimWake993]

I think its all clear in my mind right now.

I have extremely low self-esteem, and a very bad opinion of myself because of what i've been through. Particularly in high school, where i have been socially rejected and mocked for years, on top of not doing too well academically. I guess the fact that i made it through that should constitute a victory in my mind, but it doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

That lack of self-esteem and the fact that everything was seemingly going wrong for me, made me slip into complacency. I stopped caring about my life. I stopped caring about my actions, my feelings and behaviours, i stopped caring about my present and my future. I was simply "coasting along", not caring where i'd end up in 5 years from now.

But at some point i decided i didn't want to live like that anymore. So that's why i thought up of this whole "brand new life" thing. A brand new beginning where i would forget the past, forget all the bad things that ever hapenned. Furthermore i would "kick myself out" of my complacency, i would start caring again. I would become somebody smart, somebody with goals, a positive outlook on life and his future, someone who would be happy, successfull, and enjoy his life.

But it simply never worked out. Everytime i would start this "brand new life", it would last for a couple of days (sometime even hours), and then something would go wrong, or something wouldn't "feel right" inside of me. And i'd give up. I'd say "too bad, this didn't work, i'll give it another go in a few weeks' time, for the time being i'll prepare".

But now i am very tired, scared of the future. For 2 years i couldn't find a way to make my "brand new life" work, but at the same time the concept of living my life as it is, but making efforts to become this better person i want to be while coping with my past, it all sounds so strange and impossible to me.

I feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't know what to do. All i ever wanted is to live a normal life, like a normal person, be happy. But its simply not working out.

[malign]

When you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, there's always another direction.

Trust me. I reached that point.

The thing is, suicide just locks in the situation permanently. Only a dead man has no options.

Too, lots of "normal" people have low self-esteem, and lots of happy people used to. It's survivable; it's changeable. Seek help if that's what you need.

[nathan]

Dont bend to that feeling, yeah i've gotten that too, i start something a job, whatever some goal, and suddenly its all gone negative on me, like im in the wrong place. Or there is some road block. Shits not easy, nothing comes easy really, grit thru it and when you do you will be rewarded. Stop and you are where you started. Give it a go it another goal ina few weeks time? For me the only attitude that works is go now. maybe get angry whatever you have to do to break past the negative barrier the low self barrior the anxiety whatever it is. bottom line, dont drop out.

[TimWake993]

When you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, there's always another direction.

Trust me. I reached that point.

The thing is, suicide just locks in the situation permanently. Only a dead man has no options.

Too, lots of "normal" people have low self-esteem, and lots of happy people used to. It's survivable; it's changeable. Seek help if that's what you need.

Thanks for talking to me, i really am feeling better as the day goes along.

You say that there is another direction, but in my situation, what is that direction? Remaining myself, without trying to change anything about myself? That might help me settle things down, but it isn't going to make me happy. I mean, there's a reason why i want to become a better person, its because i am unhappy with the way i am right now. How can i be happy and live a normal life if i'm not comfortable in my own skin?

I've also never considered suicide. I guess that its the silver lining in my entire story. Despite everything i've had to put up with in the past 10 years, i never, ever thought about taking my own life away. I have a very strong desire to live.

What i am more worried about is suffering a complete mental breakdown and end up in a mental institution...that might be a silly thing to think about but it really scares me.

Dont bend to that feeling, yeah i've gotten that too, i start something a job, whatever some goal, and suddenly its all gone negative on me, like im in the wrong place. Or there is some road block. Shits not easy, nothing comes easy really, grit thru it and when you do you will be rewarded. Stop and you are where you started. Give it a go it another goal ina few weeks time? For me the only attitude that works is go now. maybe get angry whatever you have to do to break past the negative barrier the low self barrior the anxiety whatever it is. bottom line, dont drop out.

Thanks for replying.

What you explained sounds a lot like what i'm experiencing. But its very hard not to give up. I can't really explain why but whenever i get that feeling, even if i don't give up immediately, i still know deep inside of me that this is it, i'm not going to overcome this, i'm back to square one.

What really frustrates me is why do i get this feeling? Last Tuesday when i gave up, i wasn't doing anything wrong, everything was going fine. It was simply inside of me, like a part of myself was rebelling against what i was doing.

I'd also like to ask if anyone has any idea what disorder i have? I've been searching on the internet on the subject of personnality disorders for a long time but none of them seem to fit with what i'm going through. Surely i'm not the only person in the history of humanity to be going through something like this?

Edited April 27, 2012 by TimWake993

[nathan]

You get the feeling because your always leaving. socially you are quiet, you leave that whole realm, which is basically everywhere but your nightime sleep. Thats probably a lot of it no??,

In my experience thats a lot of it. Considering you have no self esteem and all im guessing thats the main issue with this whole feeling, whereveer you go. its like its inexcapable.

ppl start going ' y dont you talk?' on you. that always feels bad, particularly if you dont explain yourself or dont poke back, whenever possible, i'd say poke back, in fact, explaining yourself sux , its not creative its like being a robot, unless ur with a therapist which also sucks, and seriously is worthless considering its building bad habits of explaining yourself, sortof is doing everything but dealing with they problem. If you want to be quie, be quiet, but dont feel bad about it, dont let others let you feel bad about it, and to do that, make sure they know you dont feel bad about it. although such a task is difficult to uphold for long periods of time. So you might need to start changing your ways if you want to stick around awhile.

I know that giving up of feeling. It's like you have no choice, and your being pushed aside, but perhaps if you make it your entire lifes effort and will to resist that feeling, just kill it you'll get somewhere because it actually is your choice. Its little things that you always to nag at you, and then ignoring those things that bring you down, its not that your fate has taken a slant ride off trail, or that your going the wrong direction. Forget direction, there isnt one. the little things are bringing you down. Why would you let something so little bring you down? ? ? ? ? Expect that feeling to become intensely stronger as you fight it tho, because it does, you can use it to your advantge by getting high off it, turn it into a positive, theres power there to tap into. but that only starts to happen once you start resisting it, if you let it fade in and out of you, its only going to bring you down.

Im trying to make sense, trying to relate becuase i think we are similar here somewhat.

Edited April 27, 2012 by nathan

[IrmaJean]

Remaining myself, without trying to change anything about myself? That might help me settle things down, but it isn't going to make me happy. I mean, there's a reason why i want to become a better person, its because i am unhappy with the way i am right now. How can i be happy and live a normal life if i'm not comfortable in my own skin?

Hello, Tim. I think you can remain yourself and strive to be all that you can be. I'm doing this too. There are ways to challenge yourself and grow and still be true to yourself. In the same respect, this isn't as simple as just flicking a switch. It takes time and a lot of effort. Working with a professional might be very helpful to you. There is also a place to balance this with accepting yourself and treating yourself with kindness and compassion.

I'd also like to ask if anyone has any idea what disorder i have? I've been searching on the internet on the subject of personnality disorders for a long time but none of them seem to fit with what i'm going through. Surely i'm not the only person in the history of humanity to be going through something like this?

We don't diagnose here on the site. I imagine it's common for anyone to experience some incongruency during their lifetime. This occurs when self-perception doesn't match ideal-self, the person we want to be. I'm far from perfectly congruent myself and I am still working on building my self-esteem. Certainly you are not alone, Tim. We're all human and none of us are perfect. Take care.

Edited April 27, 2012 by IrmaJean

[TimWake993]

Thanks for the reply Irma.

I am feeling much better today, thanks for all your support everyone.

I do think that i simply want to be myself, and then move on from there and work on my flaws, try to sort out the things that make me unhappy about myself.

But, its hard. For 2-3 years now i have been trying to make this "brand new life" work. A big part of me really, really wanted it to work. I've been saying to myself for such a long time that when my "brand new life" will begin, everything will be alright, and i will be happy.

But it just doesn't work, something inside of myself won't let it. Maybe its for the best, maybe I should simply be myself, maybe i shouldn't try to forget the past, but instead use it to make myself stronger, make sure that i don't commit the same mistakes in the future and never find myself in similar situations anymore.

Its tough, its like an old man who lived his entire life believing in something, then someone tells him that his beliefs are not true. Its a very strange and incoherent feeling, but i think i am slowly overcoming it.

Then there's the fact that a lot of my memories, i simply can't find anything good about them. Can't think of how they can make me stronger in the future. For example, my grandmother's illness, how does it make me stronger, by making me better prepared if something like this happens in the future to someone i love? That's not a very positive thought, i rather pray and hope that i never go through something like this rather then thinking that if i do, i'll be better at handling it.

Nevertheless, i am making progress, or so i feel. Thank you everyone for the support.

Edited April 27, 2012 by TimWake993

[TimWake993]

Well, today i am feeling worse again.

Its this indecision that is really killing me. For the past 2-3 days i've been trying to convince myself that i needed to be "me", that this whole "brand new life" thing is just crazy, that even if i could make it work, it wouldn't be a normal life forcing my mind to not think about the past and thinking that all those bad things of my childhood never hapenned.

But there is a part of me that keeps saying that if i don't have this "brand new life", i am never going to be happy, i am never going to reach my goals or amount to anything. And no amount of self-convincing and self-reasoning can make it go away.

I just don't know what to do and what to think anymore. At this time last week, i was happy, i was normal. Then all of a sudden the wheels just come off and its like i don't even want to live anymore. How do i make it go away?

[frazzled1]

I am sorry that you are struggling so much. It's really difficult to live daily when you are not sure of who you are or how to be who you want. No one can make a brand new start but anyone can start now and make a brand new ending. (Unknown)

The best that you can do, it would seem, is to consider what bothers you the most (or the most at this moment), then think about steps you can take to improve that one thing. Then comes the difficult part, actually doing those things that will improve that area. The great thing is that once you have taken steps to improve and you know and can feel that the improvement has been made then you will begin to feel better and stronger to make changes in other areas as well. In other words, try to focus on the smaller details rather than the big picture. You seem to have made Eric and end result and are wanting to skip the effort required for the wisdom earning experiences. We live in tiny increments of time that accumulate into bigger increments. This is how change occurs as well.

Good luck Tim

Try to hold on to hope:)

[TimWake993]

Hello everyone,

Sorry for not posting for a while, for a short timespan, i thought that i had figured things out, that everything was going to be fine for me. I'm ashamed to admit that its why i abandoned this forum, i didn't want to think about the mental breakdown i had suffered anymore. Unfortunately for me, things DIDN'T work out, as it now turns out, and i am now crawling back for help. I hope you can forgive me.

I had posted earlier about how i wanted to become a "brand new person", about how i wanted that new person to be better, and how i wanted to "erase", so to say, my past. Basically start fresh.

Using advice that i received on this forum, and things that i had figured out on my own, i sort of "modified" this concept of a "brand new person". I didn't want this brand new person to be called Eric or anything else anymore, i simply wanted to be myself. However, i still wanted to be a "better" human being, But i was willing to accept, i was even happy to accept, that i wasn't going to be perfect. That i would make mistakes, mess things up, but that as long as i was learning from those mistakes, and trying to always do the right thing, that it was all that mattered.

Regarding my past. I had accepted that i couldn't, and that i shouldn't, try to forget my past, that i couldn't simply act like it didn't exist. I had to deal with it, accept it, use it to become a better person in the future.

However i was still set on wanting to stop thinking about the past, almost nearly completely:o. I was saying to myself that i would recollect myself of things that hapenned in this past, when i needed and had to, or in those rare occurances where i wanted to.

So to recap, i wanted to start a brand new life where i would be myself, but where i would try to be a better person (but not perfect), and that i wouldn't try to forget about the past anymore, since its impossible, but i wouldn't think about it anymore unless i had to.

I'm not sure if that sounds crazy, or accomplishable, but that's what i had in mind when i was attempting to start my "brand new life" tonight at midnight.

However about an hour ago, i realised that it simply wasn't working in my mind, that it was bound to fail again.

Why? I'm still trying to figure it out. I felt so good for a short timespan, like i had unlocked the mystery of my life, and everything from now on would be good, normal.

I'll continue in my next post, since i don't want this to get too huge.

[TimWake993]

If you take everything happening inside of my head away, then i can say that today has been a very happy day for me. It was sunny and warm outside, i helped my parents do some work in the backyard, had a lot of fun playing with my little brother, got some delicious supper BBQ'd by my father.

And i think it made me realise and ask to myself: why am i so strongly set on trying to cleanse the past from my mind? First i was trying to forget it completely, act like its not there anymore. Now, i'm not trying to do that anymore, but i'm still trying to stop thinking about it, almost completely.

Why? Yes, i didn't have an easy life up to this point, between the death of my grandmother, social rejection, and academical failures, i didn't have a lot to be happy about during my teenage-hood. But those things don't really impact me a lot anymore, whenever i think of them, i become sad and disappointed, but i don't suffer a depression and go into a fetal position.

I think at this point, i overcame "the past". I have learned how to deal with it, how to accept it, and use it to have a better future.

And at this point, i am focusing a lot more on the positives, on the good things that hapenned in the past. Like a vacation to California i had 3 years ago, i really enjoyed my time there.

But why am i trying to forget it? I think i figured it out earlier while walking the dog, it sounds so crazy and silly, but it makes sense in my twisted mind, i suppose...

I want to have a sort of "separation line", between my "brand new life", and my past life. You know...have a fresh start, turn over to a new page in my life. In my mind, to accomplish that, i need to forget the past, that is the only way to truly make it work. Saying to myself that from now on i will try to be different, and a better person isn't enough.

How do i make my sub-consciousness accept, that in order to have this brand new life, and become a better person, i don't need to forget my past. How do simply accept it as it is and move on with my life?

That's what is bothering me right now.

[devils daughter]

Every day is a new day so from that perspective you are a new you every day. Maybe you can view that as a “separation line”?

But why does that new you need to be “better”? Why are you not a sufficiently “good” person already.

OK, so we make mistakes. Or, people we love die and leave us and other people reject us and treat us like . . . well, not so good people. But that doesn’t make it SO, that we are not good people.

So, my answer is, fully accept those past experiences and I bet your subconscious will come along eventually. When you accept those old experiences then you don't really have to try to be "different". You just are different, because you have accepted them.

Also, maybe the subconscious is hanging onto the notion that the “old you” wasn’t good enough and now that is just habit. Replace that thought with the new idea in your consciousness that you ARE a good person and have done your best, and sometimes life hasn't been so good to you and sometimes it has. The subconsciousness may come along in a while.

There was a recent blog by Elisha Goldstein on the main part of this site called Creating Peace In Yourself. That may be worth looking at, too.

[TimWake993]

Well, i do believe i'm a good person right now, i don't hurt other people, i don't do bad things, i don't really know why i'm so addicted to this notion of having a "brand new life". That's why i've said earlier that i think i might be having a personality disorder of some kind. Maybe this isn't so much about me becoming a brand new and better person as it is about becoming..."somebody else" to satisfy that disorder?

And while i believe i'm a good person, i do, and don't do, a lot of things that leave me disappointed about myself.

I'll make an example, i work as a clerk at a gas station right now. A good employee normally comes in and tries to get as much work done as possible during his shift. I want to be a good employee 99% of the time. But more often then not, either out of laziness, lack of care, i don't know, i do the exact opposite. Try to do the least amount of work i can get away with and spent the rest of the time procrastinating.

Why can't i remain myself, remain "in my current life", and start working harder? Being a good employee? I don't know.

I simply feel like i want to draw a "line" of some kind between when i was lazy and uncaring, and between when i actually started doing those things that i believe would make me a better person.

I want to look back on that moment and say to myself, "on this day i turned my life around, i started caring, i became a better person, i rescued myself..etc".

I don't know. Maybe this is crazy, maybe its not. I'm lost in my head right now.

[IrmaJean]

Hi Tim. It's nice to hear from you.

Do you think you might be putting too much pressure on yourself? I always want to grow, too. For me, it's about striving to get the most out of myself, and it's a positive thing. Try to be kind, gentle, and respectful with yourself, and this is always a place to begin.

Well' date=' i do believe i'm a good person right now, i don't hurt other people, i don't do bad things, i don't really know why i'm so addicted to this notion of having a "brand new life". [/quote']

Sometimes it's hard to think about things that are painful. I don't know if that fits for you or not. What do you think?

I simply feel like i want to draw a "line" of some kind between when i was lazy and uncaring' date=' and between when i actually started doing those things that i believe would make me a better person.[/quote']

Have you tried to consider what purpose 'not caring' might serve for you? Maybe there are different aspects of you that it would be helpful to understand and listen to. Just a thought.

What do you feel passionate about? Those types of things almost always bring out our enthusiasm and joy.

Take care.

[TimWake993]

Thanks for the reply.

Maybe i am trying a bit too hard to make this entire "brand new life" thing work. But i really believe in it now more then ever. In the past, it was about being perfect, it was about becoming somebody else entirely, it was about forgetting the past and acting like it never happened.

Those were 3 completely unrealistic concepts, but now, what i'm trying to do is...accomplishable, its normal, at least that's what i think.

Sometimes it's hard to think about things that are painful. I don't know if that fits for you or not. What do you think?

Its unpleasant, i won't deny that. But the thing is, when i'm in a normal state of mind (and not struggling like i am now), i hardly ever think about those bad things. And i don't have to try not to think about it either, its just natural. I don't know if its a sign that i overcame those things or if my mind has simply trained itself not to think about it. Its only when i am struggling that i start asking myself "why? why is this happening to me?" And the hardships i went through in the past are the only answer i can come up with. Maybe i am wrong, maybe i am over-thinking this. I can't figure it out.

Have you tried to consider what purpose 'not caring' might serve for you? Maybe there are different aspects of you that it would be helpful to understand and listen to. Just a thought

.

I don't know, maybe i don't like working at a gas station? But that's hardly an excuse, as a student, you don't really get to pick your job. I simply have to make do with what i qualify for until i get a degree.

I'll make an another example, completely different from my first one. I feel like i am not nice and generous enough towards other people. This stretches from complete strangers i encounter at work to my own parents. You see, i never really trained myself to do "the right thing". So often times i do selfish things, take the easy way out. I need to give change to a customer, but i see that i don't have enough pennies in my cash register. Instead of telling him that and breaking out a new set of pennies from the safe, i give him less change than he is entitled to, and hope he doesn't notice it. Its faster and easier and it works 90% of the time. But why do i do it if its the wrong thing? I don't know...its a spur of the moment decision and my mind just takes the easy way out by itself. My parents need help around the house, i decide not to help them if i can avoid it. I have to take my dog out for a walk, i make up an excuse for not doing it so that my dad has to do it even when he's already busy...

I know that i can be better then this, and that's what my "brand new life" concept revolves around. Becoming a better person, always doing the "right" thing. Am i crazy for doing that? Am i doing something wrong? I don't know, but i'd like to think that i'm not, but i'm not sure at all.