[Triggering?] A low point.

[ThePetPerson]

I saw my psychiatrist today, but our meeting was rather hurried, where as normally I would see her for an hour, our appointment was cut to 30 minutes as she had to be somewhere and had only been told last minute. We did not discuss medication, she didn't even mention it, which has really made me feel hopeless. I was hoping for something that was going to help me, but, for whatever reason, I didn't get it.

This really frustrated me. I was hoping to speak to her about having a doctor take a look at my recent wounds, but there wasn't any time to bring it up. Now I am left with a wound that I can't close because it is bursting with yellow fat. I left the session feeling awful, nothing helpful had been discussed, and treatment is starting to look like an absolute waste of time. My therapist cancelled on me last Friday, though it was no fault of her own, I really needed her.

When leaving my appointment today, I was feeling extremely low, wanting to give up, walking down the street trying not to just collapse, when I heard footsteps a distance behind me, money jingling in someone's pocket, and as the footsteps got closer, they sped up, I could hear someone directly behind me, I was almost running at this point, my heart racing, then all of a sudden I felt a hand grab my shoulder. I turned around to see the scariest thing in my life. Absolutely nothing. There was no one there. I broke into tears at this point.

I want to give up, living is hard enough but I get through each day, in the vain hope that I will get better, but it's not happening.. Things seem only to get worse.. I'm not ready to end my own life, but at this point, I can't see much of a reason not to. I am not going to. I am going to fight until I've tried everything. But it's hard to believe myself when I say that. At this point, I need to get through the next two days, I need to get to Friday when I can see my therapist. But I don't know how I'm going to manage it. My urge to SI is so strong and I don't see reason to fight it, I just hope I don't do too much damage. I want to swallow all the pills I can find and just hope I don't do any damage. It's not that I care if I die, I just don't want to leave that for someone to clean up.

[Guest]

You can't die, because I would miss you...

I know the desire can be so intense when you want to SI, but when you fight it and separate yourself from the action, life gets easier to manage, when you learn to cope differently.

I can't comment on your therapist because I am bias...

[devils daughter]

Hang on, PP. What I hear is that you really want someone who can be there for you and help with everything that you are going through. We're here. Not exactly what you need by maybe enough to carry you through. I hope so.

It is so terrible that SI is looked on any differently from any other wound. I don't know the system in the UK but, frankly, young lady, you need somebody there to look at it! Any mom would say the same -- even a dysfunctional one like me.

Well, OK, your aunt is busy (and other stuff) and your boyfriend's mother is just that -- your boyfriend's mother.

You wrote that your appointment with your psychiatrist was cut to 30 minutes because she had to be somewhere and had only been told last minute. The realistic fact is that there is some other stuff she needs to do, too. She herself or somebody to stand in her stead needs to look at your arm. Today.

Here's a suggestion for something you might say to her answering service:

I need Dr. X to recommend me to someone who can examine an injury I made on my arm. Please have her call me back at (telephone number).

This is how it would work over here, don't know about the UK.

I'm glad sedsed is here for you, too. Please continue to let us know how you are.

[ThePetPerson]

Sedsed, thank you, that really meant a lot to me.

Right now, I don't want to fight it, I don't have the energy to fight it, I simply can't fight it.. I need it.. I deserve it..

DD, thank you, too. Thank you for being here for me. Thank you to everyone here for being there.

I need it looked at, really, but by the time somebody can look at it, there will be no point, but hey, there will probably be other injuries for them to look at.

In the UK, it as actually very easy to get medical attention, had I simply mentioned the psychiatrist that I needed it looking at, she would have sent me to have it looked at straight away, but it was my fault, I didn't mention it, I don't bring things up, I only answer questions. I know that isn't how therapy works but I am just pathetic. I can't do it. I don't feel worth their attention or care.

I could go to A&E in tomorrow I guess, but I have to have an excuse to leave the house without my aunt knowing where I was going (if she knew how bad it is, I think she'd flip out and happily commit me to a psych ward) but I don't leave the house much, so it would be suspicious and I'd rather not risk her finding out.

I could ask my boyfriends mother to take me to a doctor on Thursday, actually, but I know that she would also flip out if she knew how bad this was, and probably tell my aunt because I'm a 'danger to myself'.

I guess, it's going to have to wait until Friday, when I see the therapist but, I'm not sure it's even worth going anymore.

[LaLa]

(((Olivia)))

I'm glad you at least came here and wrote about what happened and how you felt - and got Sed's and DD's replies... It's a pity that nobody is there with you who would notice and take you to the doc... It's YOU who has to do it, but... you're "trapped" in between two extremes:

You wish help, you wish somebody to care, but

you don't want to do anything for yourself.

How much this reminds me myself several years ago...

There are two ways out: A simple-one, with possibly not very long-lasting consequences: Somebody does something for you - drives you to the doctor, for instance, you would get help and feel temporarily good. And a difficult-one with deeper impact on your life: YOU do something good for yourself - for instance stop using "excuses" and go out to see the doctor yourself (saying anything to your aunt - as that you have a date or go shopping, ... - you suppose she’s suspicious and would care too much about your unusual behaviour, but it's usually much simpler than we imagine in advance). When YOU become active, it’s a proof for yourself that you’re able to do it and it’s the end of the time when you are angry at yourself for being unable to reach out and help others to help you.

Can you separate in your mind the two opposite tendencies? The will to get better and the feeling of wanting to give up? And can you always see in yourself this positive tendency; the wish to live and to be loved and to become OK? When you have difficulties with getting in touch with it, you can, for instance "look at" the gratitude you express every time when somebody replies to your post. For me, this gratitude feels very good, because I see it like an expression of your wish to live, to be accepted, loved, receive help in your struggle [and, more importantly, also your ability to receive, accept (at least to some extent) all this from others]. The wish you deny often by your words and you – I suppose – are ashamed for, because you also consider yourself not worthy of this attention, care and love!

So when you "come there" and are "in touch with" this wish; what do you imagine that you’d like others to do for you? You’ve already told me that you’d like your therapist and p-doc to be more active, push you towards saying more, showing more that they really want and can help you because of genuine caring. But it’s like a game: Now it’s up to you to do the move. It’s not true that you’d be unable to do it. There is an obstacle (it’s called resistance I therapy, btw) that you need to "conquer", that’s all. Obstacle and inability are two very different things. You ARE able to do it, please, believe me. I know (also) from my therapy that it’s useful to analyze the nature of the obstacle. Not just superficially, by few words or sentences derived from the misleading feelings that "you’re not worth help, you don’t really want it because you hate yourself or/and there’s no hope anyway".

For instance: What exactly prevented you from printing your blog and giving it to your doc on Tuesday? This was an action for which you had lot of time before the meeting and which didn’t require more than few seconds from your doc, so the 30 minutes would be enough. "Not having the guts to do it" is not an insightful answer.

When I imagine this situation you described, you so full of expectations and then being left only with half an hour and some questions which didn’t hit the point, I can feel the frustration. (And it also reminds me quite many situations from my therapy, even though I was never wounded and probably neither as much depressed, hopeless as you now.) Because of some unexpected circumstances, but not relevant to what you needed (!), you haven’t done what "should" have been done and gave yourself by this passivity another excuse for being harsh on yourself, for doing more harm to your body, … But you CAN stop it, you CAN do what you need – failing once or several times doesn’t mean you would fail every time.

I think I could say much more, but I don’t want to "carry it to excess". Maybe two things at the end of the post:

- Think about making a plan for next days to keep yourself busy. You need, except for seeing a doc soon, some activities to distract yourself. And when you start thinking "too much", you might redirect the thoughts toward discovering the true nature of the obstacle I’ve mentioned.

- I would really miss you, too ... I’m looking forward to seeing you getting better; much better .

Edited August 7, 2012 by LaLa3
added some sentences

[devils daughter]

In my recent therapy the resistance/refusal to feeling vulnerable became very apparent. But whereas I could not push past my resistance to feeling vulnerable without my therapists’ help, I hope you can decide on what is the rational, best course of action about taking care of yourself, one instance at a time.

I’m so sorry that you haven’t had the love that you need to feel that you are worth attention or care, so that you may not feel that you are worth your own attention and care either. I know the bad place, when the self-hate about eats you up (in my case) or maybe wounds you, in your case. Don’t let that sucker win!!!!!

[ThePetPerson]

I'm sorry I haven't replied to you LaLa and DD, I just can't find the energy or care. I'm not worth it. Worthlesshopelesspointlesswhydon'tyoujustdieOlivia. I just thought I'd drop a reply to let you know I'm alive. I'll respond properly asap.

[LaLa]

Thank you, Olivia, for letting us know; it's kind and regardful!

Hugs,

L.

P.S.: One thing you might try some day: Ask you therapist for a hug. Some terapists don't allow hugging with patients, but some do. Maybe that would be ... well, you'll see in case it happens what a hug can do sometimes ... (In my case, I waited with the question more than half a year, because I needed to become prepared for rejection. He didn't reject the idea and hugs became an important part of my therapy. In your case, it could be even less "potentially problematic" (-> lower risk of rejection), because your T is a woman.)

[devils daughter]

So glad you replied. That's the important thing. Glad you're OK for right now. Of course you know my opinion, too. You are NOT worthless, hopeless, pointless, etc. I just wanted to say it again. Sometimes when I told an older lady in my support group that I was bad, she said without a doubt in her voice: "You are NOT bad". That helped sometimes.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry you're feeling so down, Olivia.

I like your new avatar. It's very colorful and bright.

I'm here, reading and listening. We care about you. I'm sorry you're sad.

[LaLa]

Olivia, I was thinking that maybe some music could help a bit, at least in some situations... I used to have some favorite music for crying and being very sad, but that's not in English and the lyrics are the most important there, so I can't share. But last year, a member posted some songs from YT here and thanks to her, I got to know The Airborne toxic event - and I started to like their songs (the acoustic versions) immediately. I think some of them are good for states of depression, but I'm not sure; moreover, it cannot work for everybody. But if you'd like to, you can give it a try, here are some of my favorites. But, please, in case you notice they are starting to make you feel worse, stop the video!!

[LaLa]

It's impossible to post more than 2 videos, so here is the rest: