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JaiJai
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This is disturbing...In addition to my current behaviour, I also find myself fantasizing about my sexual interactions with an adult when i was a child. Not only calling up memories, but imagining where he his now, and what sex with him would be like. I wonder what it would be like for us to 'play' our familiar roles and what it would be like to have sex at our current ages. Maybe even what it would be like switching roles.

I've thought about contacting him...not for any noble purpose...just because it feels bad.

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I think I get it, Jai. I don't know if you're referring to your uncle or another adult. After I ran away from my uncle, that one time, I fantasized briefly about what it would be like if he came into the room, after all. That's a lot of what I shut down, to protect me, the family, etc. My therapist told me last year about a novel she was reading, about a girl who was molested my some adult but he was the gentlest person in her life. Maybe not the "norm" but what you're feeling can be understood and I don't think that you're alone.

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Are you sure it's really all about sex, though, Jai? Maybe sex is just a tool you use to cope or it fills some other need? Or maybe even having no time for anything else keeps you from looking at what's missing or hurts? I have no way of knowing what might fit or not. I'm just not certain that diminishing your sex drive would eliminate what is driving it. Just putting some thoughts out there. Take care of yourself.

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You can learn intimacy.

Can you think of how you would care for that 5 year old? Maybe she needs some time to play and be a child. Are you able to connect with energy in yourself?

Maybe you can spread your energy out and feel pleasure in simpler moments. I'm learning to meditate. It might be calming and help you find calm within yourself. Just a thought.

But you are questioning it, so clearly so much more matters. You can find your way to it. You deserve happiness. You deserve to be respected and cared for too.

Can you try to do something different when you feel the urge?

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Well, then it sounds like hooking up won't work as a starting point ...

Would something more gradual feel safer? Just talking to guys as humans, maybe even with all possibility of hooking up ruled out beforehand?

{I almost suggested discussing religion with priests. They'd be comparatively safe, interested and learned in the subject matter, and from what I understand, significantly harder to shock than one might think. But I would still be joking.}

You know, throughout my youth (defined as a period that ended more than a decade ago ...), I tended not to treat women as ... other humans. I was afraid of them, really. I could talk to them, so long as I never said anything, if you see what I mean. Nothing important; no real declaration of who I was and what I wanted out of life. In other words, much the way I related to myself on the inside, as well. Life made safe by removing the living part.

It sucks. People can be people so many different ways; a lifetime is far too short to try them all.

"I live my life like a degenerate. like its worthless.."

Thank you for the saying "like its worthless" instead of "because".

Some part of you knows, even though the conscious part denies it, that your life is not worthless, or could be not-worthless if you lived it a different way. I'm not going to describe, different in what way, because that's your job. But you're here, and keep coming back, because "worthless" isn't fitting any more. Maybe it's time to try something else.

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This is an abuse dynamic, Jai.

You are getting closer to putting some things together, and that has your acting out self in a huge panic. Maybe she's fearing for her existence? So she has to exert her power even more?

No one has to be exiled in this work. Even acting out Jai gets to be heard. She just has to allow others a say, too. You have other parts in there that are just as true to your nature as acting out self.

It is difficult at first to manage these warring sides. That's why mindfulness exercises, meditation, yoga, etc. can help. They help a person unblend from just being one side and get a little space to gain perspective and breathe.

And the understanding of others helps too. That's why we are here. We may not understand things exactly right for you yet, but we can all relate to having to struggle for our mental health.

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I'm sorry for your distress, Jai. :(

i could keep using you for the pep talks and insightful suggestions, but it seems selfish and twisted.

Accepting my care is actually a gift to me. I enjoy giving and being supportive. It is okay to accept care, Jai, and it's okay to let yourself feel the comfort of it.

i hope your efforts and time can be put to better use, for really helping someone who needs it and wont waste it. im sorry i deceived you.

While I always hope that my support helps, this is not tied to an expectation of the other.

I understand that none of this is easy for you. We want to be here for you along the way, if you'll let us.

Take care.

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You are getting closer to putting some things together, and that has your acting out self in a huge panic. Maybe she's fearing for her existence? So she has to exert her power even more?

What you're seeing makes some sense to me, too, finding, though I could not have articulated it. In the approach that my therapist used, acting out parts are viewed as "protector" parts, for the person herself. I guess there are "escape" parts, too. Sure, they have bad consequences sometimes, but the reason that they started (and got reinforced internally) was to protect. Get to the core of what they are "protecting" and tolerate that and then maybe they don't have to protect so much? Maybe the person can do something differently.

But yeah, when the person is getting close -- maybe this wouldn't be your experience, Jai -- but I've been terrified and disoriented. Not pleasant. But the old way was impossible. "The only way out is through".

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