Hello Everyone-Looking for answers

[poodlelover]

I don't know really how to start. I have a 28 yr. old daughter who has had problems since she was young. Her father and I took her to the doctor when her rage/temper tantrums started getting worse and were disruptive in school. We were told it's was behaviorial. So we spent most of our lives walking on eggshells trying not to upset her. She ran away when she was about 16, she got into drugs and alcohol and at times we never knew where she was. She never came back home. We tried to keep in contact with her and at times things would go smoothly as long as she got her way. I will now get to the point, when she was in her 20's we noticed she would tell stories that she believed happened but never did. She would lie compulsively and at any job she would get, everyone was out to get her. Due to her drinking/rage problem, she has been fired from every job she's ever had. She also uses sex as a way to get what she wants. Her rage is physical towards us and others, the slightest thing will set her off. We now live in another state, her father can no longer deal with her. I get phone calls at all hours, most times I don't know what she's saying. Most times she's on drugs or alcohol and rants that everyone is out to get her. We tried visiting her a few months ago, she has numerous people living with her, coming and going. She stated she was no longer using, but that was not true. We stayed only two days (she lives over 2000 miles away), we were going to stay longer, but in those two days it was hell. We stated it was warm, that's all, and she starting screaming how she hated us, that we were dead to her and then procceded to throw plants, furniture, etc... at us. Due to my failing health I can no longer deal with her, as my heart can not handle the stress. My question is, how do I get her help and what could be wrong with her?

Any help greatly appreciated, Thank You

[LaLa]

Hello, Poodlelover, welcome

I'm sorry that you're in this very difficult situation . Your daughter is an adult already, so it's no more possible to be authoritative and get help for her against her will... It's a big pity that the doctor neglected the problem when she was still a child. She would surely need help now, but I doubt that she would want to receive it from you, taking your advise and seeing a therapist and/or entering a therpy for drug abusers - or does she have also some "good moments" when you can talk to her without big difficulties?

I'm sorry I'm not helpful; there is only one thing that occures to me: You could consult a professional (a counselor) to ask about the opportunities you have as a parent in this case. I'm also sure that there are organisations in the US (-I'm suppose you're from the US, but those organisations are also in many other countries) offering info and support to parents / relatives of people who abuse drugs and/or alcohol. That might be a good choice for you - meeting some people with similar problems, venting about your feelings (what you can do also here, of course), receiving advises, inspiration...

What do you think?

Taka care!

[poodlelover]

Thank you so much for responding and the warm welcome. I have spoken to a counselor, they were not much help, stating as you stated, she's an adult and that she has to find her own way in dealing with her problems and that I have to think about myself first, hard to do when her mother. She does have moments when I have been able to have an adult conversation with her. I've tried to gently steer her to get help, put she always states she doesn't need any help. Last year we tried to get her into a rehab facility which cost us all our savings, she just walked out and we didn't hear from her for months. It seems the older she gets the more delusionial she's getting, she really believes the stories she tells. Even stories from her childhood she tells never happened. I find this very odd. If I point this out, watch out! Posting here is the first time I have reached out to see if someone could enlighten me to what could be wrong with her. After the incident two months ago when we tried to visit her, she won't take my calls. I keep waiting for that call that something bad has happened to her. I will look into some kind of group counseling, it helps just talking to someone when you don't know where to turn. Thank you again for you advise. Warm Regards

[Cece.dedesl]

As a parent I can sympathize with your situation. I thought my daughter was going to end up being self destructive after her father and I divorced. It was trying to say the least. I thank god everyday it worked out differently. Everything you've described was everything I imagined would happen to my baby.

Only your child can commit and work towards making a life change now that they are an adult. The only thing I see different in our situations is I didn't walk on eggshells around my daughter. If she got mad, reacted poorly there were consequences. You can't change someone's bad behavior by changing your own. I'm in no way judging how you handled things, I wasn't there and every situation requires individual responses.

You may be able to try to change how you deal with her now. Set boundaries and rules but you have to be able to follow through and stick to it. Addicts are manipulative. You have to draw the line in the sand similar to how we deal with small children.

If you don't clean your room, no tv tonight. Now it's on a bigger scale. We will help you get clean but if you refuse our help, you're on your on your own. I do think leaving after your visit was a good example of this. You treat us bad, we're going home.

She will get desperate at some point, as all addicts do. She'll reach out to you again. Take this time to decide how to handle it so you can be proactive versus reactive when that call comes in.

Talk to a specialist in addiction. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page. It may take awhile to make any progress especially now that she's an adult, but you have to start somewhere.

[LaLa]

I have to think about myself first, hard to do when her mother

Yes, I can imagine it has to be hard . However, you've done what was possible for you to do - you offered your help several times, tried to be supportive. But you cannot "arrange her life for her" and... taking good care of yourself is not only important for you, but also for your husband, family, friends and - for your daughter as well. As C. has written; she'll probably reach out someday and she'll need to find you "in a good state", so to say. So if you want do something for her, then... the main you can do is care about yourself, your needs and health. Not only for/because of her, of course.

Posting here is the first time I have reached out to see if someone could enlighten me to what could be wrong with her.

Well, I'm sorry we're not enlightening you what could be wrong with her. But you could read some texts about other people here who struggle with different mental problems - maybe this could give you a new perspective on this kind of problems in general. There are quite many people who refuse help for different reasons, although in this community, it's probably never because of denial of the problems, rather because of fear or the feeling of worthlessness and thus "not deserving to be helped"... But I'm not sure if this would be a good idea to read it. I'm just imagining it as a possibility. ... And there was a member more than a year before, "Waiting", who had a girlfriend who self-harmed and felt into several kinds of dangerous behaviour since they were not permitted to see each other anymore and he was really hurting when hearing about her situation but couldn't do anything. You could relate to his feelings, I'm sure. But... it's certainly better to meat people with similar problems in person, moreover in the presence of a professional who can guide the meetings so that they are more beneficial... That's why I'm glad to see that

I will look into some kind of group counseling, it helps just talking to someone when you don't know where to turn.

I keep waiting for that call that something bad has happened to her.

Ii see... However, this can be devastating for you, so...

Maybe it could help a bit to realize that... if something "bad" happens to her (other than death, of course, but... I hope and believe that... You know...), that could be just what she needs: She needs a stimulus to change, a proof that she needs help. Many people can realize this only after "something bad" happens to them. Yes, it may sound harsh, but reality is sometimes (well; rather often) cruel.

I hope I didn't make you feel worse by these words ...

Take care!