Suicide Notes

[Pakhawaj]

Hello, I haven't visited this forum for a while and I'm very sorry that I'm returning but I would quite like an answer to a question which I am unwilling to ask outside of the internet; do people who have had an acquiantence die because of suicide appreciate suicide notes?

Thank you. Sorry if I posted this in the wrong place.

[malign]

Hi Pakhawaj, and welcome back.

I don't think anyone would be eager to give you advice on suicide ... Besides, I imagine the answer would vary depending on the people you would write to. I suggest you ask them which they would prefer.

Better yet, write them a note telling them how you feel, and then don't commit suicide. Get the help you need so that they get to keep you, and so that you can tell them you love them for many more years. Seriously, that's what they would want you to do, if you only ask them.

[Pakhawaj]

Thank you for the response.

I'm not looking for advice on suicide, I'm sorry if I've been unclear. I asked my mother this question some years ago but it distressed her so much that I'd rather not ask it again which is why I am asking it online.

I appreciate the advice, but I think writing a note about how I feel would be needlessly distressing and counterproductive.

I don't know if a note is of great importance or none at all, but if I could at all help make anything easier then I would certainly like to do so.

Edit: To clarify, the question I am asking is; "Would you find a suicide note at all helpful if an acquaintence of yours had died? Or have you found that a note was helpful if you have already experienced this?"

I am very sorry for being so brash, I realise this is a sensitive topic but I hope that by being brash I can get a more direct response. I don't mean to be offensive.

[malign]

Of course you're asking for advice on suicide; you want to know what will make your suicide easier for the people you leave behind.

If you think writing a note about how you feel would be distressing and/or counterproductive to your loved ones, don't you think your suicide would have an even greater effect? I mean, with or without a note, you take away their loved one and leave them to wonder what they did wrong.

The way to "make anything easier", at least for them, is to stay alive and get help so you can feel better. Now, this might not be easy for you, in the near term, but giving up now means never knowing what would have happened if you had tried.

[Pakhawaj]

Sorry, I edited my post before reading your new post.

Though I am probably being rather transparent, I would prefer if this question was treated as hypothetical rather than personal to me otherwise I would agree with you that it would seem as if I were asking for advice. I apologise for being awkward.

Do you think then, a note reading 'there has been no misdeed or wrongdoing on your part' would be beneficial for a person with a recently departed acquaintence?

I am glad that you are concerned over another person's welfare, but I would rather just discuss suicide notes. I have most probably considered anything else that you may say and have said*. That isn't supposed to be insulting and I hope you don't read it as being so, I have just had a lot of time to think.

Edit: * Regarding suicidal subjects other than suicide notes. Sorry if I am being unclear.

[malign]

All the people that I have talked to who have experienced a loved one's suicide wanted nothing except to have the loved one back.

I had a fair amount of time to think when I was planning my suicide, too. The problem was that my thinking wasn't all that clear. I believed in absolute things like "there's no way out" and "it'll never be better" and I was wrong about both of those things. I had a location or two picked out, and the means. I even went there a couple of times ... and each time I turned back. It was a decision I had to make more than once, but I have stuck with it, and always been grateful that I did.

So, you can see that this is not a topic that I can be impersonal about.

Please, get yourself some help. Whatever pain you're in can be survived, can be healed.

[IrmaJean]

I'm very grateful that you did too, Mark.

Pak, I remember you. I'm sorry you are still hurting so much. I also hope you will reach out for help.

[Pakhawaj]

I appreciate that, but it would be nice to know whether a person could do anything to help their acquaintences through their deaths in advance.

I'm pleased that things have worked out well for you and I'm sorry if I've offended you, it was not my intention.

The only thing I want help with is to know whether a suicide note is helpful or not in general.

[malign]

It's not offensive, Pakhawaj, but it is personal. I hope you understand the difference. I'm not angry at you in any way, but I am concerned.

The problem, I think, is that you're asking a fairly unusual question, maybe because you're trying to look at it from their perspective without leaving your own perspective. I'm not sure that anything is "helpful" to the people left behind by a person who commits suicide. There may be no generalities, other than them wanting their loved one back.

What it comes down to is that there's no "gentle" way to die, especially by your own hand. It's unclear whether the person who commits suicide is at peace, afterwards, but it's pretty much guaranteed that the people they leave behind are not. Whether you like it or not, they will grieve.

[Pakhawaj]

I do understand the difference, I am just concerned for you as you are for me because I know this is a sensitive topic and I don't want to offend anyone,

Because I am certainly trying to look at this subject from the perspective of others is why I want help from other people. If I understand you correctly, you are saying that a note does not matter either way, this is sad but I suppose there is nothing else one can do.

I know that you're right about people grieving, it is very sad unfortunately.

Thanks for your help, I'm sorry for posting again after I said that I wouldn't.

I'll continue replying to posts in this thread until I can't, I hope that we can stay on-topic.

[malign]

You didn't botch it, Ken: you're still here. :-)

You matter, too.

[IrmaJean]

I hear you, Kent. I am so very grateful you're still here.

Pak, please reach out and get help.

[Pakhawaj]

Ken, I've replied to you via PM because I didn't think the contents of the message were suitable for this thread. Thank you very much for your response.

Regarding this thread, it seems to me that asking my question was stupid and thoughtless and again I've caused only negativity. I'll continue replying because I said I would but I am fairly confident that the purpose of this thread has been fulfilled so my answers will probably be succinct; I don't mean any offense by this, I would just prefer not to discuss things I've already talked about before. I'm sorry for being selfish.

[Cece.dedesl]

Personally, I do not think anything justifies suicide except in the cases to end physical suffering. A Dr. Kovorkian type mentality if you wish.

I will still answer your question honestly. I would want an explanation. It wouldn't make it easier but at least it would be one less question to be answered.

[Pakhawaj]

I don't know about Dr. Kovorkian, but I think I understand what you're saying. Thank you for your input Cece.dedesl.

I'm confident in my knowledge of the usefulness of suicide notes now.

[LaLa]

Hello, Pakhawaj,

I'm glad to see you're still here .

it seems to me that asking my question was stupid and thoughtless

I can't agree - it wasn't stupid or thoughtless - it was good to ask about what's so often in your mind and as you can see, it has brought you new insights and now you know new, personal experiences and opinions of others which can be helpful to you.

... and again I've caused only negativity

I'm sorry you feel as "causing negativity". I suppose this is how you feel in general, not only on this forum . I know this (or similar) feeling; I also used to consider myself as "a source of evil", so to say, and supposed the world would be better without me. Fortunatelly, I gave myself a chance...

Your feelings about yourself are surely partially wrong; a big part of them is caused by distored thinking. If it happens that you "cause something negative" (what, however, didn't happen here, at least in my opinion), it may be either due to your humanity - we all make mistakes... - or to your unresolved problems and suffering - we all can be sometimes "hard to be with" when feeling very low, ... but this all is OK and this all can be influenced by your effort; you can get help on your way to change and you can change so that you'll feel much, much more comfortable in your life.

I don't mean any offense by this, I would just prefer not to discuss things I've already talked about before. I'm sorry for being selfish.

From this and several other comments of yours, I can see that you're not as selfish as you probably see yourself: You care about others' feelings, you don't want to offend, you want to "make it easier to your relatives by a note", ... We, humans (or I should say: living organisms), are all selfish. The only (huge) difference is in the ways how this selfishness manifests (or: in the forms in which it is expressed) - how we try to do what we want and what do we consider to be the best for us. Your current form of selfishness is forcing you to maintain a good image of you in others (= you don't want to appear as offensive, careless, ...), to decreas your possible remorses by "leaving a note", and, it seems, to cut the whole "trouble of living" off by... suicide. As IanKen explained, it's just leaving everything to the others, liberating yourself but leaving your pain in others where it even increases.

I'm confident in my knowledge of the usefulness of suicide notes now.

It's strange to me how just one opinion can reinforce what you think and several others (previous) which didn't fit to your view were left as "off topic"...

BTW, I used to think out a suicide note during quite many years. When I was 16, I was even writing (for more than a year) a long novel which was meant as "a note" - and explanation why I would kill myself. (Now I'm 30, btw.) It was a very good idea because it helped me to think out many things. And it was even funny in the end: During that year, my life changed so abruptly to such an extent that the novel ended by a wish to live! (Then, few years later, I became suicidal again, but... it was also only for some years and now I'm very well (thanks to psychotherapy) more than 2 years!)

So, as others suggested; write "a note" to yourself, you can also write a novel, a song, ... but mainly: Don't give up the painfull efforts to change your life. It's in your hands also when it seems that it's not - you just need to learn to see better...

Good luck!

[Pakhawaj]

I really would prefer to have this thread remain on-topic, otherwise it seems I'll just be discussing thing I have already discussed in the past, which is something I want to avoid.

I have certainly received new insights, at the expense of other people, this seems selfish to me.

I don't think you can say whether my thoughts are "distorted" or not, as you cannot read them and you don't know me, certainly not as well as I do in any case. I have received superb help for any issues I may have experienced or experience.

"From this and several other comments of yours, I can see that you're not as selfish as you probably see yourself: You care about others' feelings, you don't want to offend, you want to "make it easier to your relatives by a note", ... We, humans (or I should say: living organisms), are all selfish. The only (huge) difference is in the ways how this selfishness manifests (or: in the forms in which it is expressed) - how we try to do what we want and what do we consider to be the best for us. Your current form of selfishness is forcing you to maintain a good image of you in others (= you don't want to appear as offensive, careless, ...), to decreas your possible remorses by "leaving a note", and, it seems, to cut the whole "trouble of living" off by... suicide. As IanKen explained, it's just leaving everything to the others, liberating yourself but leaving your pain in others where it even increases."

I don't understand what you're trying to say in this paragraph, I'm sorry for being unintelligent.

I think you are misunderstanding me when I said "I'm confident in my knowledge of the usefulness of suicide notes now.", My knowledge of the usefulness of suicide notes has accumulated throughout this thread and via PMs by multiple people, my opinion is that it is a stupid thing to consider and people largely don't care about them.

I have received psychotherapy for many more years than you, I think we have come to different conclusions afterwards. I have left helpful notes to myself where I live, thank you for the suggestion though, they are helpful when they need to be.