I'm lost and confused, and it hurts so bad

[umhellohihi]

Hello everyone,

So without killing everyone with a text wall - long story short, I had sex with a friend in May, started seeing each other consistently since then (see each other at least twice a week, text everyday, etc), are not a "declared coupled," have talked to him about the possibility of being a couple (three times) and rejected each time with the reason of "focusing on my career," wrote him a letter telling him my deepest feelings for him (leaving out the words "I love you") and asked him if he liked me romantically (leaving him the option to not tell me if he didn't want to), discussed the letter (with no mention of liking me back). We still see each other and talk to each other everyday and he's as darling as ever (endlessly kind and comforting, buys me meals, cleans my apartment without me asking, endlessly polite, defends me against crude guys, takes care of me when I'm sick, etc).

Honestly right now, I am so lost and confused. I don't know what to do about this situation. He's the nicest guy I've ever been with, possess the majority of the characteristics that I've been looking for in someone and it really hurts knowing I'm so close, yet as far away as I can be. All my friends tell me that I need to talk to him and set boundaries, but I mentioned in the letter that I wouldn't bother him about this topic anymore. My reasons are it's been three times, he doesn't like talking about himself, and one of his reasons is that once he's in a relationship, that person's life means a lot more to him that his own and I can understand why he doesn't want to get into a relationship, but the ambiguity of everything still really hurts me.

Also, I am confused because last week, I slept with another friend and I'm not sure if that is classified as cheating. Can you cheat on someone you're not dating, but are involved with?

Why are relationships so complicated?

[IrmaJean]

Welcome to the community, hello.

I'm sorry you are hurting. It sounds as though there has been honest discussion between you and your friend about what each of you wants from the relationship. You've expressed to your friend your desire to have a romantic relationship with him and this isn't something that he wants right now. Are you willing to accept that the relationship won't be more than it is now? Has spending a lot of time with him become painful for you?

Also, I am confused because last week, I slept with another friend and I'm not sure if that is classified as cheating. Can you cheat on someone you're not dating, but are involved with?

Maybe it helps to think about what your needs are right now.

I agree that relationships can be complicated. Each of us brings our own stuff to the table and we then have to learn how to work with and balance everything. The challenges can be very rewarding, though, when there is mutual respect and love. Relationships can teach us a lot of ourselves, and they can open our hearts to ourselves as well.

How are things in your life aside from this? How is your relationship with you?

I hope you feel better. Take care.

[umhellohihi]

In most ways, I have been accepting our current relationship. I haven't been pressuring him, trying to manipulate him, give him ultimatums, and I still treat him with care and respect as I would if he were my friend or my boyfriend. I wouldn't say that spending a lot of time with him hurts, it's actually pleasant, though the first few hours after he leaves is a little hard sometimes. He always really affectionate and sincere when we spend time together.

My relationship with myself is very unclear as well. I've come to the point where I don't really know who I am, or really like the way I run my life. It seems like relationships are always priority for me: I'll devote time to hang out or do something for the person I am interested in. Even if I try to be an independent person, once I get an invite, I'll jump on that opportunity and reschedule everything else. I'm attempting to learn how to play hard to get, but I feel like that's no way to live my life, it's not true or kind. I just constantly want to take care of someone and have someone love me in return. I don't know what my identity is which is properly why I am so eager to identify myself of "socially anxious" or having "orthorexia nervosa." I'm just too desperate to have an identity. When I was younger, I modeled myself after a youtube vlogger who had a fun personality and after that I don't really remember who I used to be.

[Ralph]

I don't think it's cheating since your first friend has already had a chance to be in a relationship and turned it down. It sounds like you've already identified you need to clarify your own relationship with yourself at this point in your life. IMHO I think any guy would be lucky to be with you since you are so conscientious about being honest in a relationship. You seem to know your values pretty well, at least it seems that honesty and kindness are high on the list for you. Could you start from there to form your own identity?