still trying to heal

[mscat]

I am still trying to get better from the last major Self injury incident. I go back in for surgery on tuesday. i'll stay in the hospital a couple of days for pain control, then get to go home.

It is hard to find a good person to care for my son. I was used the last time, and still feel the sting. i gave this "friend' money for my son's needs and groceries.

When i got home their was no food left in the house. ANd by that time i had no money to replace groceries. I was very upset about this. Not only that I was very sick, that I was left high and dry as well. I ended up writing a check, for food and it bounced within hrs. of getting more money in the bank .

Christmas will now be a small one, and it is going to take at least this month to get back on track financially.

My brother is going to watch my son this time around, so at least I will have food when i get home. the thing is that he is now telling more about what went on while i was in the hospital about these people. The lady's grandchildren were out of control, at my place, peed all over my couch a couple of times, were into absolutely all out things, and destroing our belongings.

My son was told constantly that he is spoiled and selfish too. As soon as I am well, I am thinking on getting a new in home service provider. I trusted this lady , and I feel betrayed. :mad:

[mscat]

I am going to post on my own post, cause none else has. I am still not healed all the way yet, and now i see the amount of Si damage i've done had been very severe this last time.

It scares me the most because I really did not have the control to stop the SI from becomming like that. I did write about it beforehand though, so that would suggest that I did. It is confusing to me, so much.

I have not Sie'd since then , which is a good thing, but usuallyI wont't after a big SI. and unhealed all the way.

I have had family help out which has been really odd to depend on others . But, that is the only way I could be at home right now with my son.

I will not get to talk to my therapist until after the new yr. that seems liks such a long time to wait. The last time I talked to him was on a thurs. at the last min . Someone told my apt. property management that I was lighting myself on fire , to get me evicted recently. SO that was a nightmare. I never have done that before, and that person was suppose to be good friends with me.

That was not whAt I needed to deal with, a threat of Eviction for something I never done. I hate people for that. People who lie and spread vicious rumors .

I have become more solidtary. I do not want to be bothered and really feel jaded . I have a resentment for others right now. Like most peolpe are generally bad. ANd are out to get me. I have no trust at all in others, and feel very threatened .

All i can do is to be in the comfort of my own home, where it is safe. Others right now, to me, are dangerous, full of hate and waiting to hurt me. I hurt myself all the time physically to mask what i feel emotionally.

Or because it iis easier to take it out on myself then others. there is no law that u can't SI. Just do not hurt nobody else, like they are so much better then u. So i do not hurt anyone but me. It is acceptable, no matter how severe the SI is as long as it is not a suicide attempt, then feel free to SI. SI severely too, nobody cares, I do not care that I do, becasue it does not matter anyhow.

I SI for some relief, and the more harm I do, the better, cause it is ok , and I deserve it.

I better write down that I am off meds , and need to get back on them, but have not, cause well, I've been ill from SI.

Anyhow, this really is nothing more then a rant. A rant, that I am writing to feel a little better.

It is a long time before talking things over, to anyone, and that sucks. There is noone, I am nobody, and I feel so alone. :eek:

[finding my way]

mscat, I feel soooo bad for you! I am so sorry things are so low. I know you would probably like to hear from someone else-- I don't have any experience myself with SI-- but I'm so sorry for your pain.

I understand that SI releases chemicals in the body that make you feel "better" for a while, sort of a self-medication. Are there other physical things you have tried (healthy ones) like hard exercise, or strenuous breathing meditations? You would need something intense, right? Ever tried pottery, painting, or sculpture? What kinds of things do you like?

I'm sorry, I'm a "fixer" and I mean well. It would be so cool if we could find you a totally awesome avenue to express yourself. Anyway, keep writing...

[mscat]

your right about needing something intense to do something different, and distracting.

I do, however, enjoy writing, computors, animals, photography. I am finally getting well physically and proud of that.

thank you for your kindness and support. I sure apreciate that. I just sometimes feel like writing helps me get all my feelings out. Makes me feel better.

So far, so good ... No feeling sorry for me. I got to get it together, get back on the medication , clean the house, spend time with our puppy, and everything will be better.

thaks!

[kaudio]

Hello mscat, I agree with finding that it is best if you can somehow find another activity to direct your attention. You have gone through quite a lot and it is good to hear you are recovering. The behaviour of your home service provider and her grandchildren was uncivilized and unacceptable. At your earliest convenience it would be for the best interests of your community to submit a complaint to the company this woman contracts with, take photographs of the damage done to your property, and report this matter to the police.

However, I must respectfully disagree when you say that it is acceptable to SI, and that it does not matter. You clearly care a good deal for the well-being and advancement of your son. When you SI to such an extent as to require hospitalization, your son may lose one of his strongest pillars of support – possibly for the rest of his life. Certainly, he may adapt, but the loss will mark him well into the future. Further, while your SI may only result in direct physical harm to yourself, I am sure that your son and your family are also deeply concerned for your well-being. So please, no matter how long it takes, find a way to cope so you can live a long life, and to help your son grow into a good man.

You may interpret my post as a sort of guilt-trip, and you may very well be right. But, you are a caring mother, and a very supportive member of this community. This alone is enough for me to be thoughtless, to tell you these things you already deeply appreciate, and to look forward to your posts. The members of this community care about your well-being, mscat. Should you feel alone, please feel free to share your thoughts with us here.

Edited December 28, 2008 by kaudio

[Proverbs31:28]

Mscat, I am glad to read you are healing, though the process may be slow. I am also glad you have not given into SI in some time, even if it was due to the healing process. Frankly, this tells me you can resist when the will and need is strong enough. Do you think you can use that same mindset to resist SI for the benefit and well-being of your son? Of course, I sound much like the pot right now as I do have a history of SI- though never so severely as you have described. My pastor, in a moment when he was very concerned I would attempt suicide (for a third time) shared something quite disturbing and graphic with me- but it has worked. It is what brings me back from the edge every time I am suicidal. He told me every time I am seriously contemplating suicide- when I have a plan and means in place- to picture my children instead. In other words, to imagine my beautiful daughter or precious son in my place suffering the death I intended for myself. The fact is, children whose mothers have succeeded in suicide are much more likely to attempt suicide themselves. So, he was pointing out that by succeeding in suicide I was placing in the hands of my children the very weapon with which to accomplish the same. I wonder if this might work for you- to picture your precious son torturing himself the way you have? When you hold your tool of choice in you hand, picture him doing what you plan to do. Picture him in the act and his scarred flesh afterwards? I am not trying to be harsh, at all. I know you struggle with this and I know you hate that you feel you can't stop- even if you say it doesn't matter. I remember the pain in your words when you wrote before the last event. Anyway, thats my .02 and I hope you continue to heal.

[finding my way]

What kind of photography interests you, just curious? And what kind of writing? Do you have lots of animals?

[mscat]

Now that a couple of you know that I am a Sier and sometimes go too far, and I have a disabled son , as well have pointed out important issues. YES I love him with all my heart, mind and soul.

YES, I hurt myself bady at times too. This is what goes throughmy head though, SI is all I have for me. SI is a selfish act that I do . The only 'bad" thing I do to myself that helps me cope and feel better. Even if I do zone out, or lose complete control over the SI , it is what I have. So selfish isn't it?

My son is gone most of the day when it is school. He is out of town . I have A Yorkie pup, she is my baby, so it helps me throughout the day. I like photography and have a SLR camera, but have not gotten all the way into it. Writing is good for me for self expression, that is what i enjoy. I use to win awards as a kid in writing contests.

YEs, i care about the SI and YES it scares me . Scares me that i lose control and let it take over me. Or zone out and do not feel a thing then SI, I can SI when stressed or any strong emotion that i can't control. Strong emotions make me feel I am losing it, I can't lose it. I need the control and i need to feel. Has anyone known what it is like to be dead inside? No feelings at all? Compleete zombie like state? the numbness, and then getting so far out there nothing makes sense? Well it is scary. My son is away, nobody is home, and then it happens, there i slip into the greater nothingness, into a dreamlike state, and then total frozen with fear. How to get out of it unless to feel again? Only answer I know is to hurt the body i am trapped into. Hurt the body, to feel pain, and then calmness. To know one is alive again , to be able to feel . Is what i need to accomplish.

No Si for a while because I feel the pain of healing. Feel the life back into me. YES, it is selfish. It is a bad , bad selfish thing to SI severely . But, in the long run my boy has his mother back.

I am hurt physically, but can function , no not function this time, but at least after the healing is taken place I can be a better mom again.

Yes , he probably deserves a better mom , one who does not SI or zone out, or go places in her mind that are not there, or stand noise.... So hateful of others that i have to be at home all the time, becasue there is fear , fear of people who want to hurt me.. Top me I am jaded . Jaded of people I have to see. They are the enemy, becasue they can and do cause far more pain then a eposoide of SI could ever cause.

YES, my son is the most important. He has always been the most important . I've raised him since day one on my own. Nothing matters more then him. But, others feel sorry for him, he has the crazy mom. I hate that. Becasue I do not like to show this craziness, only though the SI . Or the scars of SI.

My brothers , biological brothers, they all have bad problems, drugs , and prison time, all of them are messed up. ODD huh? SO because of the first few yrs of life and child abuse, and separation we all have a big red mark on the top of our foreheads. It says LOSER. The one brother that could be described as half way normal is a drunk. AND I hurt myself bad. What is the difference? he drinks too much and I SI , both are unhealthy. Both have the potentiel to kill. Did I mention that he has diabeities ?

Yes, it does matter, the SI, yes i do know it is not ok to burn oneself to pieces , focus on a body part and destroy it. That is what I've done. Losing mobility, in my hand, from it, and the ugly scars. Gosh they are gross. IF they were not my own scars then i'd look to at someone with the same scars.

It does not matter that I have the Tats. People still look . So the last SI was on the stomach area. A place that can be covered up . All the time, with little stares.

Sadly, the rest of my family is use to the SI . It is just in me, the self destruction. If I did not SI like that , I suffered the Eating disorder that nearly killed me in my 20's. So the life has been full of bad self destructive , ways.

NO, I do not want it to kill me. NO, I do not want it to stop me from being a good parent either, my boy, though he really deserves better. But, we do not choose our parent s do we? Maybe those people are right to feel bad for him, my kid. He is the one who hurts when I am away, in the hospital. However, i come back, and I resume being his parent, despite the craziness of SI I still try to hang on for him. Maybe that is why I am not dead.

Oh lord , i hope I can handle the honesty ... Yes , I write what is going on, and i hope I do not be judged.

Edited December 28, 2008 by mscat

[finding my way]

Mscat, you have been very honest with us, and you are dealing with so much. I hear you saying that losing feeling (going numb) is your trigger that spirals you, you lose the ability to think (make good decisions) and fear takes you over… the survivor in you will get control back at any cost. But wait, the thing that started the numbness was a strong emotion you couldn’t control…. So the strong emotion is the first trigger, a strong emotion that you cannot handle, and since it has to be shut out, your feeling goes with it, and when your feeling goes, numbness sets in (2nd trigger), and then the zoning, the panic, then the system “rerights” itself with SI. Is it something like that? That is a ton to be dealing with. I can only imagine what growing up was like for you and your brothers.

Do you think if someone could help you with the strong emotion (trigger 1) that the rest of the spiral will lose it’s power? Of course, that’s no easy thing. Does your therapist help you with that?

I’ve had a great deal of problems dealing with my emotions concerning my parents. Last time I tried, I felt I was going into cardiac arrest. I have to stay away from them. I only mention that because yes, emotions can be so very powerful, and yet it’s worse not to have them at all, as you say.

[mscat]

I am going to continue posting on this thread, for anther week, until I see The therapist again, then I am going to discuss these issues , I think they are important, and cold help me idenify triggers and what happens to me before a SI incident.

Thanks.

Today, I took a shower... Perhaps no big deal to the average person, but it is to me becasue I still have unhealed sore spots on my stomach.. I can shower ever other day right now, and SO today was the day. I also actually took meds. Meds that i should be on , and now starting to take again.

Tired of crying all the time over stupid crap. I get so emotional and it is embarrasing. My son hates it, and so does my brother. Shoot, it is so easy to let the tears flow.

Men hate that, don't they ? I cry over a comercial that has to do with animals, gosh it gets me each and every time, the SPCA one. I cry too easily, and too emotional , then depression sets in heavily over my heart, so hopefull I'll get it back together with the help of these meds . Yeah, I know i should never have been off them , because of trying to heal, just taking pain meds.

But, now I feel better physically, it starts hitting me emotionally, so I fall apart easily.

Mood stabilizer, anti depreesant, thyroid med, and plenty more at night...:eek:

the psych doc. is good, but i wonder why so many meds? i am a freak , i guess.

But, if they help , and i do get more stable, then that's good right? Obviously... I want to get back to where i can go back outside, and take the dog for a walk. i am sure she would like that too! I have not been my usual self for a while, and i wonder if I can get there again.

Get there where i can go back outside with the dog, and not worry that something bad will happen. Not worry that someone will hurt me, or see me and laugh. i have a visual of people laughing at me all the time, not nicely but, cruely. It is always there, and I hate it.

[kaudio]

Great to hear of your healing progress. I too wish that you get better so you can enjoy the things you like to do.

Also, men don't hate that women cry. If your son and brother seem worried, just tell them the commercial was very moving. You love dogs; they will understand. Besides, crying over a commercial isn't a big deal. I sometimes tear up watching a movie, but I can shed a tear over a comic too!

[mscat]

Yes, I do not want my son so upset when I cry.... He is just 15, and disabled, but he certainly does not like it.

My brother , too. Gosh, I could be very maniplative over that if i wanted to huh! Just kidding, i'd never do that.....:eek:

[finding my way]

My friend with autism can't handle any strong emotion, including his own. He does respond well to humor though. When he laughs there is no restraint-- he enjoys it so much! Anyway, I know it must be tough feeling supported at home with those limitations in the people around you. Can't we relate! You're stuck with us for now:p

SLR cameras are pretty complicated, aren't they? I just have a "simple" digital camera, and it ain't simple!!! When I did 35mm photography I loved to do closeups on flowers, sort of flower portraits. This camera focuses on the wrong things when I get close up to subjects. (Is that a metaphor? ) Do you photograph your animals?

[mscat]

Oh gosh this camera is complicated ! but, its' so nice with all it's fine detailed , high tech little features.

Yes, I do photograph my pup. She is my favorite little hobby right now. A Yorkie . Full of life and unconditional love.

I have a couple of Cockiteils too. that is all , besides a fighter fish . Animals are so much better to deal with then humans. Less complicated and always ther e for u .

My dog, never is too far away from me, and has brought such great joy and compainionship to my son and I. Life has forever changed having her around.

My son has a hard time with humor. He takes things literaly, so he does not know when someone is joking. It is confusing for him. My brother is a joker, and it is hard on my kid to know when he is being serious or not. My son says to him the his jokes are "too real". Sometimes, i even have a hard time knowing. My brother, the joker.

[finding my way]

Now that I think about it, I don't ever tell jokes really. My friend just finds things funny, or laughs when I refer to something from the past that he thought was funny... I guess that's our repertoire of humor, but it still is fun. He has a tough time with movies. It's tough for him to get them, with all that body language to interpret. Your Yorkie must be adorable!!

[mscat]

Yes my yorkie is very cute. She is very scraggly right now, because she needs a good grooming, yet she is still so cute.

the weather out here is gray, terrible looking and miserable outside. I live in a tiny town, and it is dead quiet this time of yr. it is so quiet it feels like your the only one left .

Myson and i have been real lazy this past couple of weeks. I guess it is ok , because i have no money , and still trying to get better anyway. I do not feel like doing anything either, so it makes it hard. I do not feel like a good parent because I can't seem to be motivated to do anything fun, or go outside at all.

i hate going out right now, and do not want others around me. i am jaded , and feel the need to protect myself from the outside world.

[finding my way]

I work with kids. They are just miniature humans when it comes to body needs. Kids need to move, and we do too. I went to a workshop that stated, "if you want to change your emotion, move" (move your body). We learn that you shoot yourself in the foot when you punish a kid by keeping them indoors for recess. Can you guys go for a walk in an unpopulated area, or just after night fall before it's too late in the evening? That can be a cool time to be out. Inactivity spirals things for kids and adults.

[mscat]

Um, ok, we are actice in our own private little world. No I have not been outdoors for a while mainly still trying to recover, and my son who is disabled, can't go outdoors by himself. SO yes, we have been living like hermits. That is a bad thing to some, but, it helps us remain calm and live peaceful lives. Right now, that's all I can hope for, and stay a float. FOR now that is, now forever, just in living in the momemt.

I'll have income on Friday, and will need to get new tires for the car. After that, It will take a lot of will power and courage to get in the car and go somewhere. :eek: I do not like to think about doing that. that will be a tough one. But, I got to at least try and do that. I've changed, something is different abot me. I do not enjoy going out anymore or seeing people. People are the enemy , if I have to see them, and talk. It is different for me , because i use to be nice, and want to talk , now I want to crawl back in my hole, and stay there anther winter, spring, fall , and summer. Leave me alone, is all I want to tell people, I do not like u and i am not safe being around nobody. I hate that kind of thinking, yet it is there, pushing me back inside the safety of my home.

I can talk on the internet, write about what is going on to total strangers, that is the safe way out. YEAH :cool: Nobody knows mscat or where she is, only from what I have said, trust me , I do not think u would like to meet me in real life, I do not like others right now, and feel very jaded.

YES, I know it stems from the last experience of so called friends who lied and made faulse allegations. THat is what has done it. I ffel screwed and cheated, and worthless. I hate being screwed over by someone I thought was a friend and I could trust. Now I am empty, angry and confused inside .

I do not want to leave my home, and do not want to interact with the outside world. People to me, are unpredictable, and are out there for themselves, not to be trusted.

This is what I feel, forgive me for the negativity:mad:

[finding my way]

Well OK, .... r u able to handle it (the negativity)? Strong emotion that is too much is your trigger, and betrayal from friends is pretty strong stuff! You might want to save that nugget for therapy and distract yourself until then if you can.

[mscat]

It will be ok, I will distract myself. I can see my therapist until next week. that sucks. It seems like such a long time to wait. I got over being betrayed, however feel like it has left it's mark. Getting back on meds is helping my mood, and tommorow I should have our income.... Therefore things can get done. It has been a couple of months since I have been able to do much, and the car needs new tires, groceries need to be done, and bills need to be paid, (life goes on) no matter what circumstances your in.

I do feel better now that it is the new year, fresh start, new beginnings , and time to put away the past.... If I can !

Despite all the difficulties my son and i face I know we are fortunate . Good place to live, nice things, and each other, were a family and this is truely a gift. I think things will be ok, as long as I try to be positive, and not get overwhelmed by people, and do the best that I can at coping .:cool:

[mscat]

Well today I got to go out and take care of the car, go get groceries, take my son out to get videos, and to burger king :eek: I have not any of those things in several months, and i think i can handle it physically.

I do not want to really do these things, but it is a must. I am dizzy from the nightmeds, and trying to combat that by drinking coffee. Here's hoping things turn out ok, and safe.

[finding my way]

How did it go today mscat? Hope the sun was out. They say we need 15 min of sunshine a day to get our vitamin D.

[kaudio]

Hi mscat, take your tasks one step at a time, and try not to rush. If you feel dizzy, whenever possible, try to defer tasks to later dates or to other people. You are still healing so sleep is probably very important. As finding suggested, try some low key activities like a brief walk.

[mscat]

Thank you guys for your wonderful suggestions.... OMG , yesterday was the worst day on earth to possibly go out and do anything at all.. Just my luck :eek: The car tires went on without a hitch. $200.00 later we were on out way out of town. As soon as I started over the hill which leads out of town it started pouring down rain. Rain ok, no problem. However, we have very bad fog out here too.

Thankfully, my brother was ahead of me going to Hanford as well. SO I called him to keep tabs on the weather. it was fine, until he hit anther small town, and boom there was Fog. Fog out here we live sometimes sneaks up on us. But, i made it safely, the drive is 45 min to the biggest city for grocery shopping.

The first two stores, no problem. But, I had to go to Walmart supercenter. Lord have Mercy... That was HELL. TOO many people :eek: I hated that. I tried to block all the chaos out of my mind and just ignore them. I just focused on getting the groceries, tried so hard to ignore what was going on around me.

Then my brother calls and tells me their is Zero visabilty going home OMG then the panic hits. I can't find my kid, and i have to drive back home NOW<

After 10 mins, he finally shows up, then we get to wait 20 min in line.

YES over the hill where it is steep it was so foggy, and pitch blackl. I never drove in such extreme conditions.

Somehow, we made it home in one piece, and got $300.00 worth of groceries up the stairs. i put all the cold food away, left the rest, and colapsed on the couch . After over 2 months not going anywhere, and Still getting better, that was quite a lot. At least we got what we needed, the car is fixed, and we made it home in one piece!

[finding my way]

You did it, mscat!:)Aren't you glad that's over!!