Confusedaily Posted May 10, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 10, 2013 If the pain was physical. It would be a pearsing imoble headeche. Centered petfectly behind ryme and reason. I can't do anythbg without him Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted May 10, 2013 Report Share Posted May 10, 2013 I know it's probably not going to help, but "resistance" is between "rhyme" and "reason", at least in the dictionary.Take care, Donna. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 10, 2013 Report Share Posted May 10, 2013 I'm sorry things are so hard for you, Donna. Is there anything besides painting that helps clear your mind? Deep breathing? Meditating? A walk in nature? Is it frightening for you to be without him? I can understand that it would be when you've been abused and under his control for so long. It's okay now to let him go and be yourself. It's okay to be you.I hope you feel better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna- Posted May 11, 2013 Report Share Posted May 11, 2013 It will take some time, Donna and it will happen bit by bit. Like, ketchup first and then other little things - eventually you will be your own person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted May 12, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2013 Luna that's my problem. I feel I don't have a problem. Understand. I didn't know he had control on me. Everything was normal. So I thought. I never questioned him. Did as I was told. He's mean when he's mad. So I didn't get him mad. I went with the flow. Not know anyrhing. Until really how bad it was a few months ago I relized. So how do I fix a problem if my mind keeps telling me there nothing to fix. Until a trigger hits. And I lose it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted May 12, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2013 My mind still tells me to go back. Stip this pain. Stop the confusion the crazyness. Just go back and he will make it all better. That's crazy. Sometimes that thought is like a craving. My mind needs rest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 12, 2013 Report Share Posted May 12, 2013 Is there any other abuse or trauma in your past? Anything from your childhood? Ever been on your own before? Only answer if you feel comfortable answering.So how do I fix a problem if my mind keeps telling me there nothing to fix.Have you tried challenging it? Change is never easy for any of us, especially when it feels uncomfortable. The discomfort could be a place where growth can happen, though. Maybe you can work with your therapist about this?.I hope today is serene for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted May 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 18, 2013 No trama. What I ment was abuse to most us physical u can see it. I don't feel abused until the confusion comes. I'm at peace when I paint. No abuse there. When someone hits u in arm every movment hurts u feel that. I only feel his abuse with tje confusion. Understand?. I'm working with my theripist with this issue. He really had me brain washed. Its scary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 18, 2013 Report Share Posted May 18, 2013 I understand. Something triggers you and then you feel the confusion and emotional pain of his abuse.Have you ever done any reading about complex post-traumatic stress disorder? We don't diagnose here, by any means, but you may find some of the information about it interesting.It's good you are working with your therapist. I hope this is helpful to you and you begin to heal.Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted May 18, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 18, 2013 I've never heard of that. When I see my dr. Next thur I will ask him what is it I suffer from. Suffering I am doing. I've endured alot these past 5 years. Its scary just going to the park or shopping. Taking my time to do anything. Like at the mall I coulnt stop at a sale and go thru the itams cuz it took to long. Oh boy heaven forbit if I was gone to long id be punished when I returned home. He would create a situation where someone always got hurt. Made sure I saw it or was a part of it. Depending on how mad he was. I still have a tough time. I push it sometimes. I stay out late then come home and wait. Nothing happens. That's scary. Weird I know. He took 5 years of my life. Twisted it up into his sick game. I can't get those years back. But ill be damned if I give him 5 days or 5 minutes. I'm strong. And ill be ok some day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna- Posted May 19, 2013 Report Share Posted May 19, 2013 Yes, it must be so hard when you are used to having every move controlled. A scary kind of freedom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted May 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 My youngest daughter graduated 6th grade today. I'm so proud. :-) they had the cerimony outside. As thy started calling names someone sat down next to me. It was him. He said did I miss her name. My god my heart stoped. A million things ran thru my head. I jus shook my head an said no. This man is gunna rouin my daughters graduation. How dare him. I asked him why. He was there. He said he was invited and wanted to see his sister graduate. I just sat there. I didn't know what to do. I didn't take a picture qhen she was called. I missed everything. At the end my daughter was giving a short speech he put his arm around me. Then he looked at me said. Ur shaking. What's wrong? I said. You. Your wrong. It seemed like forever we jus sat there. Then he kissed me on forehead looked at me. He was crying. I never seen him cry. He said I'm so sorry I hurt u. More sorry u left. I wont bother u any more. He got up and left. By that time everything was done. My daughter was walking toward us. He reached out picked her up hugged her and told her how great she was and to take care of mom. He walked out. He let me go today. Finally I'm free. I havnt stoped crying. My daughter thinks I'm crazy for over reacting to her. I've told her nothing about my abuse. So I'm crazy. Ok :-) I'm feeling relief I don't have to worry about him stalking or hurting me any more. I think its over. Now I jus gotta heal. Right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna- Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Congratulations, Donna. Both on your daughter and you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted May 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Thank u Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 23, 2013 Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 Isn't it wonderful watching our children grow up and thrive? It's great you are feeling free from this relationship. I wish you wellness and healing.Take gentle care of you, Donna. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted May 23, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2013 It is wonderful watching our children. They are our future. My future is of healing. And I'm mad about it. I was telling my dr. This morning. From the first time I saw him until the last. He had all the control. He started this game of abuse. He ended it. I'm mad. Or I was. My dr told me. He didn't end it willingly. He was forced to end it by you.. he didn't have a choice. He had to serender. And like any game. Its no fun to play alone. I have ro agree. And really no one won. I'm still meszed up in the head. So I don't see it as a win. He's alone looking for next victum. But I'm free to do as I want. Not what he lr anyone else wants. I didn't dream about him last night like I usually do after seein g him. So his abuse has stoped. Now I can clean and clear my head of the ugly mess he left behind. I do miss him. He was my child. My son. But his abuse out weighs my missing him. I'm scared of men. Terrified ill get trapped again. I'm sure time will heal and ill be fine. But I sure wo.t be dating any time soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted May 29, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2013 I can't seem to do anything right. Cleaning house cooking. Even laundry. Folding towels.TOWELS THAT GO IN A CLOSET. has to be folded a special way. I can't keep doing this. He controled my intire life. I HATE HIM!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted May 29, 2013 Report Share Posted May 29, 2013 My ex had a particular way that I had to fold towels too.I hope you went back and mussed them all up ... Tsunami 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 30, 2013 Report Share Posted May 30, 2013 Maybe it's time, Donna, to do things your way? What do you think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted May 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2013 I did mess them up and threw them away. I don't like the color red. I looked around and got rid of everything red. I dont know who's who. I look at something and think, ' do I like this or did he?' I go ctazy sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted May 30, 2013 Report Share Posted May 30, 2013 Well, on the bright side, you come back sometimes. That's better than some. :-)What you're trying for is to enlarge the good times ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted May 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2013 Honestly I come back cuz it was all of u who helped me. Just by listening. U have no idea how u helped. I've always been taught to never forgot those who helped laying bricks on my road of life. So thank u. It is ok to check in with u all isn't it? I posted few times in others topics. Is that ok to? Again thank u all Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted May 30, 2013 Report Share Posted May 30, 2013 Aw. When I said "come back", I was responding to you saying that you "go crazy sometimes." I was saying, "at least you come back to sanity again." We're glad you come back to our site, and we're glad it helps you. Of course it's okay to come here and to post; that's what we're here for.I'm sorry you feel so uncertain that you have to check, in fact. You deserve just as much as anybody else, Donna. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Confusedaily Posted June 2, 2013 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2013 I'm not feeling to sane these days. But yes some days are better. He programed me to be uncertain. I'm getting better tho. I think. Lol jp. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted June 2, 2013 Report Share Posted June 2, 2013 I'm glad some days are better, Donna. I'm always happy to listen too. I hope you have a serene day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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