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Some theories


Carl
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Just thought that I could start a thread now when I'm off from work until next Tuesday to get things going. This thread will be about some theories that I have regarding relationships and some of them might even apply to other aspects in life. These are just theories that I have in my mind and I would like to discuss them. They seem logic to me, but I might be wrong, so it's worth discussing. I just wanna know what path to take in my life. Now let's get started.

Theory number one:

It's not really about who you are, it's about what you do and what qualities/traits you have.

Let's just focus on what that means literally. Let's just say that you're this person who wants great responses from other people, that's your aim, right? You want other people to love you, to find out more about you, to offer you things, to be happy when you're around etc etc. Your aim is to get great responses from people without forcing them to give you that.

If it was all about who you are then that implies that there has to be an indicator who identifies you, who makes you unique from all the other people in this world and that's the very reason that someone gives you a great response. So if your DNA identifies you then that's why people treat you good. If something else identifies you then that's the very thing that will give you the great response. See what I mean when I say that it's all about who you are. Some indicator who identifies you is the very reason for the great response. Now let's put that into practice and see how it goes.

We have a scenario. Person A walks up to person B and person A is aiming for a great response from person B.

Case number one: Person A walks up to person B and person A behaves a certain way and does some things (could be anything, it's up to your imagination) and have some qualities that gets noticed. The response that person A gets from person B is rather awful.

Case number two: Now the same person A behaves differently and got different qualities and do different things from the previous case, but person A still gets the same awful response like before from the same person B. And I mean exactly the same. And the reason for that is because person A is still having that same indicator of who he/she is as before. It doesn't matter what person A do or what he/she have, because person A is always gonna be person A.

So according to me, believing that it's all about who you are is a very depressing thought, because it means that you're completely doomed to either fail or succeed. There's no possibilities to change the situation. And that just doesn't seem realistic at all.

There's this expression going on saying "Love someone for who they are". Now I don't know about you guys, but I'm having a hard time seeing my future girlfriend telling me "Hey, I just read your DNA and that combination of the letters ACGT is just.......wow. I mean I read a lot of different peoples DNAs, but this one really is freaking magnificent. And that's why I love you. It explains who you are, honey.".

Come on really, you can't love someone for who they are. You love them for what they do and what qualities/traits they have. Now that's different from person to person, though. But whatever it is that you find interesting about other people in a sexual way or whatever it is, there's nothing that says that you have to be with exactly that person. Instead you look for someone who seem to have what you find attractive and/or do what you think is attractive/good. And once you find someone good enough, perhaps you wanna take care of that moment. Like perhaps build a relationship.

Now, what's the point that I'm trying to make here? Well if I get a girlfriend someday in the future and we're just about to have sex and my pants fall down and my penis is still 4 inches or something around those dimensions, then depending on what I do and have during that time could be very crucial for the future of that relationship. As an example, if I start being really insecure and even start crying then there's a big chance that I get a bad response. But if I'm not being insecure and instead I'm trying to be as sexy as possible, like muscular, having a great scent, putting on some smooth jazz (J.Thompson - Real Quick Lovin') and while she start giggling about my penis size (if that's happens) then I'll just ask "Hey, why not Ziodberg?" like really confident ;) . Then the odds of that relationship continuing might get bigger. I'm not saying that this example is like the definition of sexy, but It's just an example. I just blurped it out there.

Anyway you get the point. It's about what people do and what qualities/traits they have, NOT who they are.

What do you think about this theory?

Edit: Sorry about the long post.

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Can I take a shot at restating this?

Because I don't think that your penis size can ever be equated with who you are. At best it might be a thing you have, and it hasn't even been conclusively demonstrated that it's the most important thing you have, even during penetrative sex. All the other things you are don't disappear at the moment of penetration, reducing you back to a penis. All the rest of what your relationship with this woman is, or has been up until that moment, doesn't disappear either. How you feel about her, and how she feels about you, make a huge difference in how much pleasure you each feel during sex. They are so important that many cases of erectile dysfunction, and the vast majority of classical cases of "frigidity" in women, can actually be explained by what's in each partner's head (or heart), rather than what's in their pants.

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Can I take a shot at restating this?

Because I don't think that your penis size can ever be equated with who you are. At best it might be a thing you have, and it hasn't even been conclusively demonstrated that it's the most important thing you have, even during penetrative sex. All the other things you are don't disappear at the moment of penetration, reducing you back to a penis. All the rest of what your relationship with this woman is, or has been up until that moment, doesn't disappear either. How you feel about her, and how she feels about you, make a huge difference in how much pleasure you each feel during sex. They are so important that many cases of erectile dysfunction, and the vast majority of classical cases of "frigidity" in women, can actually be explained by what's in each partner's head (or heart), rather than what's in their pants.

I agree. Just wanna point out that I'm single, but hopefully in the future that's not the case.

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The best way is to not care what other people think. By not caring you'll be more confident. Easier said then done.

I have to disagree. I don't think that confidence is something that you just get over a night by saying "well, from now on I'm not gonna care anymore". I think that confidence is something that has to be built up, and for me being more knowledgeable would make me more confident. Because then I know what I'm doing, there's no worrying that I'm gonna fail. Everything is just smooth sailing when I know what I'm doing.

To give you an example: If a test comes up in school and I actually understand the subject and studied well, then I can be more relaxed and confident in myself that I will do good on that test. Not saying that every answer answer is correct, but you get the point.

Another example would be if I became more attractive in every possible way (not just personality or looks) and took a walk around downtown while opening up my eyes for all the passive signals from women. If there's plenty of passive signals, maybe even some active signals coming towards me, then obviously I would feel better about myself, because I know what I'm doing.

Here's the definition of the word confidence: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/confidence?s=t

Number two of the nouns seems to be the one that's relevant in this discussion. Self-confidence, that is, believing in oneself that you can take care of the moment very well.

But seriously if I said "Hi" to someone and the response is "Fuck You!", then how on earth can I not care about that? I don't think being delusional is the right path here, but feel free to correct me on this, skynight.

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Hi Carl. :) I'm Beth.

There is a concept I refer to a lot, that is called self-efficacy. Your self-efficacy is high when you believe in your ability to be successful or to experience positive outcomes in your endeavors. I agree that this is something you need to build on. I've been working on it for years and, though I still have setbacks, I have been feeling much more confident. It helps me to confront my fears and work on my coping skills. If I'm not avoiding my fears and I have confidence in my ability to manage whatever situation should present itself, it is easier for me to believe in myself. The more I take chances and have success, the more confident I feel. If I take a chance and things don't go well, I also know I can manage the situation and bounce back.

I also think that once you feel better about yourself, and you know it's okay to be you, the words of others won't hold so much power over you. If you are polite to someone and they respond with a "F you" that speaks to them and not you.

I find people attractive when they light up as the unique person that they are. I feel attractive when I do this myself too. Shine as yourself and you will naturally attract others.

How you feel about her, and how she feels about you, make a huge difference in how much pleasure you each feel during sex.

I agree with this as well.

Take care, Carl.

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Forgot to mention my view of a summary of self confidence.

Being knowledgeable should lead to being more confident and therefor confidence itself is dynamic, not static. You could be confident in one field and a nervous wreck in another field. It depends on certain factors and I think that being knowledgeable is one of those factors. But I could be wrong. It's worth discussing.

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Hi Carl. :) I'm Beth.

There is a concept I refer to a lot, that is called self-efficacy. Your self-efficacy is high when you believe in your ability to be successful or to experience positive outcomes in your endeavors. I agree that this is something you need to build on. I've been working on it for years and, though I still have setbacks, I have been feeling much more confident. It helps me to confront my fears and work on my coping skills. If I'm not avoiding my fears and I have confidence in my ability to manage whatever situation should present itself, it is easier for me to believe in myself. The more I take chances and have success, the more confident I feel. If I take a chance and things don't go well, I also know I can manage the situation and bounce back.

I also think that once you feel better about yourself, and you know it's okay to be you, the words of others won't hold so much power over you. If you are polite to someone and they respond with a "F you" that speaks to them and not you.

I find people attractive when they light up as the unique person that they are. I feel attractive when I do this myself too. Shine as yourself and you will naturally attract others.

I agree with most of it, but I'm not really aiming for unique. I'm aiming to become a person who triggers great responses from other people. That does not mean that I'm trying to be exactly like someone else. I'm just looking for guidelines or paths to take that would improve my situation. As an example if I understand female anatomy, then that would help me a lot during sex.

And about that sentence of someone saying "Hi" and get response "Fuck you!". It could be the person who says "Fuck You!" that does something wrong, it's easy to assume that. But let's just flip the coin here for a second. Let's just say that you're this women and you're walking around town and it's a great day. Nothing wrong has happened. Then this drunk creepy guy shows up to you and says "Hi" in a mix between creepy and horny way, like a really long "Hhhhhiiiiiiiiiii" and at the same time he does some weird facial expressions like staring at your boobs and does that face shake, which means that he wants to motorboat them. Then there's a big chance that you'll respond with a "Fuck You!", isn't it? Or something similar to that. Sure it depends from person to person.

Now the person who said "Hi" would probably think "I had that coming, didn't I?". And in some situations it might even be a combo where both people does something wrong.

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Carl, I'm guessing you don't live in New York City, where "f*** you" _is_ apparently the correct response to "hi". ;-)

Sure, it's possible that you could elicit that response by saying "hi" in a weird enough way, but if you didn't, then why not assume that the response was the other guy's (or girl's) problem? I can certainly imagine situations in which, after some disturbing encounter with one person, I might be unaccountably rude to the next person I meet, just because I still feel bad from something that next person knows nothing about.

Would that be wrong of me? Sure. But I'm human, and so is every person you're going to encounter. If you take complete responsibility for what happens in every interaction between yourself and someone else, where is there room for them to be human? Human relations aren't like logic problems, where anyone (much less everyone) knows accurately what caused what. We're lucky if we know why we do things, much less why anyone else does what they do.

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What stinks is I'm very confident in so many things in life but when it comes to vaginal intercourse that's when I lose it and it seems to become very unattractive even though I still posess confidence in everything else... Meh

Alright probably needs some improvement in that area then. I'm just gonna ask some questions and you're gonna answer them.

1. When you penetrate her, do you also use your fingers to stimulate the clitoris?

2. When you penetrate her, do you aim for the G-spot?

3. Does she even try to squeeze your penis while you're penetrating?

4. What sex positions do you use?

Let's see if that could improve the situation. Like I said before, being knowledgeable about what you're doing should improve confidence.

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Carl, I'm guessing you don't live in New York City, where "f*** you" _is_ apparently the correct response to "hi". ;-)

Sure, it's possible that you could elicit that response by saying "hi" in a weird enough way, but if you didn't, then why not assume that the response was the other guy's (or girl's) problem? I can certainly imagine situations in which, after some disturbing encounter with one person, I might be unaccountably rude to the next person I meet, just because I still feel bad from something that next person knows nothing about.

Would that be wrong of me? Sure. But I'm human, and so is every person you're going to encounter. If you take complete responsibility for what happens in every interaction between yourself and someone else, where is there room for them to be human? Human relations aren't like logic problems, where anyone (much less everyone) knows accurately what caused what. We're lucky if we know why we do things, much less why anyone else does what they do.

Haha, no I live in Stockholm, Sweden. Well a small town outside of it, but still part of the same district. I've been to New York two times though and can understand why "Fuck You" would be the correct response to "Hi". Stressful city. Lots of stuff are going on there. Anyway the "Fuck You!" response was just an example that I blurped out to explain that the person who does something wrong depends on the situation.

Anyway lets move on to a real life example. Earlier in my life I was bullied for several reason and sure that definitely had an impact on how I feel today. I don't have to go through everything because that would be too much text. But what did I do back then when I was being treated badly. I blamed those people. Seems logic, but right now I really doubt that was the best route.

Lately I've been asking myself this question. Even if some people are more likely to become a bully than others (whatever the reason is), why am I the one who always have to suffer from being bullied or treated badly? And I realized that when pretty much the majority of the class in elementary school and junior high bullied me and made me cry a lot, and I still don't have a girlfriend, never been someones best friend and never felt acceptable. I was more a person that people stood out with, not someone they wanted to be with. Because of that, I really am starting to take a good honest look at myself and try to improve any way that's possible.

I'm sick of bad treatment and I wanna trigger great responses and to do that I need to focus on what I'm doing and what qualities/traits I have. I never said that I'm doomed to get treated badly during my entire life, I'm just sick of the current situation.

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Because of a great performance you know.

I still wonder if many of you might be focusing too much on judging a performance. Even when I was functional' date=' I rarely had orgasms and would often intentionally pass them up so I could be held longer. Everyone is different and has different needs. I would suggest communicating openly with your partner about what they like and need rather than making any assumptions or pressuring yourself.

What stinks is I'm very confident in so many things in life but when it comes to vaginal intercourse that's when I lose it and it seems to become very unattractive even though I still posess confidence in everything else... Meh

To offer a completely different perspective, have you tried connecting with your feelings about her and then freely expressing those feelings naturally through sharing yourself?

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If you love her, sex can be an expression of your love. So you share your feelings for her physically with your body. Sharing of your physical self, but also an emotional sharing through touch. If you focus on how you feel and just be with her as yourself, it can really be a beautiful and deep bonding experience. I see this kind of sharing as a gift. Maybe simply be yourself with her? That's a beautiful thing.

Just my thoughts.

Take care.

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Yea once and a while I rub her. I tell her to rub herself. Yea I try to hit it. She squeezes I guess when she feels like she needs to. She prefers doggy and being in top. Those are the main positions.

Does she get an orgasm when you rub her? I think that when a women experience a clitoris orgasm their thighs starts to shake, but I could be wrong. A vaginal orgasm is easy to spot. It's a squirt. Explain to me where the g-spot is. I already know that, but I wanna make sure you understand that too, just to see what we are dealing with at the moment.

About the squeezing, it can be improved with kegel exercises and those geisha balls. I don' know exactly what the mechanics for that looks like, but it suppose to make her vagina even more tighter. Might be worth looking into, when I think of it. Another position you could use is the missionary but with her legs together, like "II", not "V". I think that could make it even more tight.

People, feel free to correct me on some of these stuff and share some of your own ideas.

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She claims she orgasms every time. But there has never been a moment durin sex where I thought she was having one. One time I was getting a response from her but I was about to finish anyways so I couldn't take it further. I know the g spot is three inches in and when I eat he mr out i usually use my fingers. I have the book "she comes first" and I kinda got a few tips from that. I do the ll thing as well. I know all the positions to make up for my lack of girth trust me. I don't feel like any of it works or me.

She claims to be happy with our sex. Yet I never feel like shes having orgasm and the rate if which we have sex is decreasing.

Thing that sucks is I last a long time and I have very good cardio. I can go at it non stop for 10 minutes straight hard if she wanted and I wouldn't get winded.

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At some point you need to learn to trust your partner. If she says she enjoys sex and orgasms you need to believe her.

Carl, not all women shake with orgasm or squirt. That's just how they show it porn. All woman orgasm differently. Some are vocal, some are quiet... Some shake, some don't... Ect. Don't let media induced misconceptions to set your expectation of how a woman will respond in bed.

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At some point you need to learn to trust your partner. If she says she enjoys sex and orgasms you need to believe her.

Carl, not all women shake with orgasm or squirt. That's just how they show it porn. All woman orgasm differently. Some are vocal, some are quiet... Some shake, some don't... Ect. Don't let media induced misconceptions to set your expectation of how a woman will respond in bed.

Well those were just examples, I agree that every women is different, none is truly identical to one another, but there are similarities. Don't forget that. Plenty of women might squirt during vaginal orgasm (g-spot orgasm) and plenty of women might start to shake their thighs while having a clitoral orgasm. Then of course they could start making loud noises, change their breathing patterns etc etc. Anyway besides squirting is there a different sort of behavior that shows up during vaginal orgasm (g-spot orgasm)? About trusting a woman, let's move on to theory number two.

Theory number two

You don't really trust people themselves, they only relate to a trusting or non-trusting situation.

What makes you trust something is not a matter of yes or no. It's about a certain degree. Something could be really trustworthy while something else could be somewhat trustworthy (sounds logical, but some pieces of the puzzle are missing) and some other things could not be trustworthy at all etc etc. How come? Well it's not about the person it's more about factors like past experience, evidence, rhetoric and logical explanations.

To give an example, if I were having sex with a woman and afterwords she says "Wow, that was so good. We should do it again sometime". What is it that makes me understand whether she actually means that or is just being nice? Now, if there was some evidence that I made her orgasm a lot of times and she was horny all the way through and it didn't feel fake at all and she never screamed George during the entire session, then that would make the situation a lot more trustworthy. As an example so to speak.

If her rhetoric was like before "Wow, that was so good. We should do it again sometime." and then she added "When are you available?". That would make it more trustworthy, because now she actually takes an initiative. She wants to have sex with me. Let's just say that I meet one of my old friends and then he tells me "Dude, she's not good for you. Every man she has been with, she have been cheating on them". Now it's a question of whether the girl got less trustworthy or if the dude is straight up lying. If the girl got less trustworthy, then I would be back at square number one and ask myself the question "Did she mean that or was she just being nice?".

So it's not about trusting people themselves, they only relate to the situation. It's about does the walk match the talk? And to what degree? And what subject are we talking about? Could a hippie tell you how to dress real good for the upcoming job interview or is he more trustworthy when it comes to weed? Not that I smoke, I'm just making a joint...... I mean point. That last sentence was a joke by the way.

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Oh wow finally one I can answer - yes the hippie is definitely better when it comes to weed :--) ha ha love to all

Well it was a rhetorical question, but whatever.

Anyway forgot to mention. I've been thinking of this lately. How can a man truly know that a woman actually loves him. Whatever the reason is. Look usually women grow up with this mentality that they can imagine their future man as this sort of prince who is a really attractive man who has a great bank account and he knows how to cook food really good and can make you laugh and he's great at sex and got the same interests as you and he never lies to a woman with all these demands, because then he's a jerk. Yet they don't have to work at all to deserve this alpha man, because it's the mans job to take every single initiative.

How can I trust a woman who got this position in society? How do I tell the difference between if she actually would love me or find me attractive and her just being nice?

And hey some women even say "I'm a carrier woman. I'm too good for a man". That's retarded, you never see a man saying that he's too good for a woman, right? It's just this view that society gives us that women are these trophies, like a buffé of beauty where I'm just supposed to be this nobody who works my ass off, just hoping that one day my dream would come true to wake up with a woman next to me? Again, how do I know when a woman is actually interested in me or love me or find me attractive? Where's my free stuff? And don't explain it in an abstract way. Just do it straightforward.

Maybe I got a twisted view on this whole thing, and please correct me if I'm wrong. Maybe I watch too many hollywood movies. I don't know.

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I believe a lot these views you described are dated back to the 50's. Women were raised to find a good provider, a good husband, a good father for their children. Men were raised to find a good cook, a good housekeeper, a good mother for children. If the sex was good for both parties that was an added bonus, hardly a necessity.

Men felt it was their job to be the Alpha male. Men felt disgraced if their wives worked outside of the home. Now a days, both partners usually need to work and share household and parental duties.

There was actually a study I read not long ago that showed the changes in the male role in relationships from Alpha male to an equal partner has lead to negative effects in the bedroom. With both men and women reporting declines in frequency and quality.

Maybe the feminine movement got more women out of the kitchen and more men into it but it appears they also got shittier sex lives. Lol

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I was reading one of many books on explaining relationships and sex in them. (trying to understand women in general and specifically my wife.....didn't work)

There was a quote from Helen Girely Brown from a mid sixties interview (from Playboy I think they said) She said:

"With the new sexual revolution what society in general and men in particular have to come to terms with is the fact many young women today will have the best sex of their lives before marriage."

I'd change the last of that to read "best sex of their lives before they meet their future husbands."

There was actually a study I read not long ago that showed the changes in the male role in relationships from Alpha male to an equal partner has lead to negative effects in the bedroom. With both men and women reporting declines in frequency and quality.

Maybe the feminine movement got more women out of the kitchen and more men into it but it appears they also got shittier sex lives. Lol

I think after a while both the man and woman will start to resent the fact he's not even in the top two or three lovers she's had. Things will inevatibly slow down and stop. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce now. In over 50% of divorces the wife files. One study shows a large number of married women cheat now.

This all has to be related somehow.

John

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I agree completely w both posts above. There are feminist authors who openly advocate that a woman have at least one affair in during the marriage as somehow a prescription for having more power in the relationship. I am not picking on the women here because I have seen w my own eyes how guys behave. Now on a more positive note I think the moral of the story is you have to love yourself. I know it sounds corny but it's true. Remember that you have as much right to be here as anyone else and are just as important a person. If you are obeying the laws & paying your taxes you are a good person & a solid citizen.

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