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Feel like there is an incredible violence in me, it has been building, I feel like I can't contain this any more...

If I wasn't so afraid, suffering anxiety disorder my whole life, I dread to think what I would have done already.

Instead, this hatred went inside

deformed

No hope left

So angry with my family, why do they have to be here...

I'm so, so afraid of the future, never meant for any of this.

I wish I could come out of my body so I cut and beat and stab myself to a bloody pulp

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I always have the most difficult time coping with angry feelings. I'm sorry you're going through this, mts. :( Do you have anyone you can share your struggle with? Are you in therapy? The support could be helpful and you could possibly learn some new methods to both understand and manage your feelings.

You mentioned anxiety. Does anything help to relieve those feelings? Exercise, connecting with nature, listening to music, reading, meditation, deep breathing?

Wishing you well, mts.

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(Deleted a long post last night, nevermind.)

Just many things going wrong all at once, the world is a hostile place for me...was helpful to vent though.

Feeling numb again. But that's better than before.

Thanks Irma.. I meditate, only focusing on body, no contempletive meditation- I read it's dangerous for someone with MH issues. Also, when I meditate I sometimes hear swearing in my head, directed at myself, or see evil images and it scares me. Usually it's fine though...lol

Nature seems bland to me

I have decided to listen to affirmation tapes, there's one called "think right now - conquer social anxiety", it seems mostly okay. I'm tempted to cut out some of the bits that seem too unrealistic. Not sure I believe this stuff is going to help, but what is there to lose?

Don't know what the point of this post is anymore. thanks for your replies

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  • 2 weeks later...

Walked 3-4 miles out into some field in the middle of nowhere this evening, just fields and trees, and a road with cars in the distance. Nothing but a red sunset and landscape all around. I can hear barking from really far away, some house has a lot of dogs. Decided I would try to shout some affirmations, at first my voice wouldn't come out, just a squeak. I'm just used to living in silence with the humming of the computer...

I'm so embarrassed someone will hear me, that I cover my ears after I shouted, like when you're little and you cover your eyes, and think noone will see you...

Saw a couple on the way back that asked me directions. She gave me the "look". I can't remember the last time someone looked at me like a human being.

Useless

Why Am i Still here? Deformed peice of shit.

Angry, hateful....

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Walked 3-4 miles out into some field in the middle of nowhere this evening, just fields and trees, and a road with cars in the distance. Nothing but a red sunset and landscape all around. I can hear barking from really far away, some house has a lot of dogs. Decided I would try to shout some affirmations, at first my voice wouldn't come out, just a squeak. I'm just used to living in silence with the humming of the computer...

I'm so embarrassed someone will hear me, that I cover my ears after I shouted, like when you're little and you cover your eyes, and think noone will see you...

Saw a couple on the way back that asked me directions. She gave me the "look". I can't remember the last time someone looked at me like a human being.

Useless

Why Am i Still here? Deformed peice of shit.

Angry, hateful....

are you sure you're not just paranoid or negative?

i mean i can understand if some people looked at you in a bad way,but everyone? come on,unless there's something really serious with your appearance,it just doesn't add up.

i don't mean to dismiss your views or feelings;just challenging you.

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I hate it when you plan something that should be fun and it all goes to hell on you. I sometimes feel like god or some unseen force has a cap on me, like there is a strict limit on good times or good things happening to me.

I hope thing get better for you mts.

actually victim,you're not that off,just don't ask me what i mean.

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come on,unless there's something really serious with your appearance,it just doesn't add up.

I have a facial deformity, or body dysmorphic disorder - won't "know" until I see a therapist, hopefully soon.

i mean i can understand if some people looked at you in a bad way,but everyone?

I deleted all my old posts about this. It's somewhat of a stressful subject, similar to having a very small penis perhaps, and everyone saying it's all in your head. But yes, people looked at me that way for years.

I hate it when you plan something that should be fun and it all goes to hell on you. I sometimes feel like god or some unseen force has a cap on me, like there is a strict limit on good times or good things happening to me.

Yes, it can certainly feel that way. Isn't the cap in our minds though?

I have decided to listen to affirmation tapes, there's one called "think right now - conquer social anxiety", it seems mostly okay. I'm tempted to cut out some of the bits that seem too unrealistic. Not sure I believe this stuff is going to help, but what is there to lose?

I realize now, my sanity. :D

I think it's these affirmations that are upsetting me.

'Affirmation without discipline is the beginning of delusion. - Jim Rohn'

Meh.

I might go out tonight again but shout angry things instead. I have to try something.

I hope thing get better for you mts.

And you, with your stressful job...

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I welcome close relationships with other people.

I can quickly develop a rapport with almost anyone.

I've replaced all fear of disapproval with confidence and courage. *

I have a great sense of humour about myself now.

I'm free of all resistance to meeting people and making new friends.

I am very comfortable expressing my needs and desires.

I can be myself and still be well liked by others.

I know being judged is part of life, so when it happens I just let it go.

Anyone would be lucky to have me as a friend.

I can communicate well with people at any level of authority.

Anxiety in all social situations is dissolved now in total grace. *

I am always open and willing to learn something new.

I am comfortable being myself, even around people I don't know.

After every mistake, I learn what I can, forgive myself and then let it go.

I always seem to say the right thing at the right time.

I am respected and well liked by everyone who knows me. *

The days of being overly self critical are gone forever.

It is easy for me to communicate my thoughts and ideas to others.

My health self esteem allows me to brush off any harsh judgement and criticism.

I am much more than anyones opinion of me.

I feel strong and confident in any size group of people.

I've released all doubt about my tremendous self worth.

Connecting with other people comes easily to me now.

I have a very pleasing personality. *

I can be tactful and persuasive with even the most difficult people.

I am comfortable around people from all walks of life.

I am fascinated by the knowledge and experiences of others.

I like all kinds of people, no matter where they're from, or what they look like.

In all social settings I am in complete control of my body

I love spending time with other people.

All fear of being rejected is behind me now. *

Dining with other people is one of the true pleasures of life.

I enjoy talking on the telephone.

I have more important things to do than worry about what people think of me.

I accept compliments by saying - thankyou.

People admire me for my courage and strength of character.

I am free of all feelings of inadequecy around my physical body.

My circle of friends and acquaintances is growing quickly now. *

I am naturally a good listener.

Even in the most difficult social situations, I exhibit poise, and self assurance.

I often gain more through compromise, than from forcing my opinions on others.

I can let other people be the center of attention.

More and more, people are including me in their plans. *

I can respond positively even under the most intense pressure.

Asking for the things I want comes easily to me now.

I can communicate my ideas and opinions effectively and persuasively.

I feel supported by the people around me.

My self confidence is growing greater every day now.

It is okay to be myself when I'm with others.

People enjoy meeting me, and getting to know me.

I have released all blocks to clear, effective communication.

I have many qualities that people admire.

I feel at ease when I'm with other people. *

I have replaced shyness with enormous self confidence. *

I can express my thoughts and ideas clearly and persuasively.

I minimize feelings of nervousness by keeping everything in the proper perspective.

I welcome opportunities to be with other people.

I project an air of confidence, no matter who I am with or what I am doing.

Any feelings of unworthyness have disappeared completely.

When I want to know something I ask questions.

It's okay for me to be the center of attention.

I see taking risks as a way to develop, grow, and mature as a person.

I am comfortable around people of all ages and backgrounds.

People like me, because I am a genuinely nice person.

I stand unshaken in my ability to handle all social situations I face.

I support and encourage other people to reach their potential.

Whenever necessary, I can justify my opinions, decisions and actions.

I've released and forgiven those who dislike me.

It's easy for me to find common interests with other people.

People like me for my openness and genuineness.

It is impossible for me to feel embarrassed or humiliated for any reason. *

My circle of friends is growing continually now. *

I love going to parties and other festive social events.

I've dissolved and let go of all fear of disapproval.

I can speak with conviction and authority about the things I believe in.

I see myself as an important member of every group I'm a part of.

In total grace, I am free of the need to perfect.

I like who I am and the person I am becoming now.

I strike a good balance between work and social activities.

I am free of any dependence on drugs or alcohol to get through social interactions.

With every conversation I have, I learn more about how relationships work.

I dress appropriately for all social gatherings.

I accept all criticism for what it's worth and then let it go.

I'm totally at ease, even in situations where I don't know anyone. *

More and more, people are agreeing with my views and opinions.

I can feel safe and secure outside my home.

I see making mistakes and a fast and effective way to learn and improve.

The best thing about parties is the people.

I can make important decisions now with ease.

I pay attention to peoples names when I am introduced to them.

I am willing to risk criticism in order to live life on my own terms.

I accept full responsibility for all my decisions and actions.

Whenever I need direction or help I am comfortable asking for it.

Not knowing what will happen next makes life interesting and exciting.

I am seen as a sharp, intelligent person by others.

The voice inside my head is always positive and encouraging. *

I look forward to the adventures each new day brings.

When I greet people the first thing I do is smile.

I'm free of all doubt about my ability to thrive in any social setting.

No matter who I am talking with, I always feel calm and composed both inside and out.

I learn something new and interesting from everyone I meet.

I have let go all resistance to being with other people.

I feel a strong physical and emotion connection all of humanity.

I imagine all my social interactions going well now.

Without fear I can express my feelings and opinions to other people.

I'm confident in my ability to control my thoughts and emotions.

I welcome and embrace learning and growth in all areas of my life.

I can let even harsh criticism roll off my back.

I can communicate easily with people of the opposite sex.

I'm proud of who I am and who I am becoming.

I'm able to minimize my flaws and shortcomings.

I am attracting wonderful people into my life now.

I the courage to do what I know is right.

I am forgiven now for all my mistakes.

I love sharing my thoughts and ideas with others.

I can talk confidently about a variety of topics.

I am free of any habit of comparing myself unfavourably to others.

The more people get to know me the more they like me.

I love getting involved and doing things with other people.

I'm calm and at peace, even when I'm the center of attention.

My positive self image is more important than what anyone thinks about me.

It's okay for me to ask questions, it's how I learn what I need to know.

I can say no without feeling guilty.

Intuitively, I know when to make eye contact with others.

I am completely at ease using public restrooms.

I release and forgive everyone who ever tried to silence my voice.

It's easy for me to see things from other peoples points of view.

My quick, sharp mind, allows me to think fast on my feet.

I refuse to be intimidated by anyone in any kind of social setting.

I am now surrounding myself with successful, supportive people.

I take great care in my appearance.

I am free of any habit of blindly following the crowd.

When people meet me, they like me instantly.

More and more, people want to know my thoughts and opinions.

I feel comfortable and at ease during medical examinations.

I intuitively know how loud or soft to talk in any situation.

I am great at remembering peoples names.

I've replaced fear of criticism with self assurance and poise.

People like it when I ask questions they are interested in.

I am making all my social interactions positive and enjoyable.

It is easy for me to admit my mistakes.

My listening skills are helping me get ahead in life.

I feel safe and protected when I express myself to others.

One of the things I enjoy most in life is making people smile.

I enjoy learning about other people and their lives.

I am naturally at ease in any type of social setting.

I am immune the negative effects of criticism.

I deserve to have close relationships with smart, wonderful, caring people.

I always project the image of confidence, and self assurance.

I am free of all fear, in all social settings.

I enjoy sharing my thoughts and ideas with others.

I can guide the direction of any conversation by simply asking questions.

I easily put my mistakes and setbacks behind me.

I make a great first impression on people.

I can disagree with someone and still remain friends.

I appreciate compliments and praise, for a job well done.

I can relate to many different types of people.

I am free of all fear of judgement from others.

I easily and naturally put people at ease.

Even when I am the center of attention, I feel calm and at peace.

I am a friendly, outgoing person.

I believe that asking questions is the key to learning and growing.

I am free of any guilt over past social mistakes.

I can effectively express my thoughts and ideas to any size group of people.

I am comfortable and relaxed eating in front of others.

I can rise above any harmful thing that anyone could possibly say or do to me.

When I talk with people, I can keep my mind focused on the topic.

I am comfortable asking for what I want.

I am free of envy toward anyone for any reason.

I can be both honest and diplomatic at the same time.

It's easy for me to find the good in other people.

I eagerly look forward to each new social interaction.

I accept the fact that not everyone will like me.

I am attracting good, caring and supportive people in to my life now.

My ability to get along with others, is helping me more than any other skill I have.

All self conciousness has dissolved now, in total peace.

In all situations I intuitively know what to say and what not to say.

I appreciate my role in the lives of the people I care about.

The days of being a follower are long gone, I am blazing my own path in life.

I can tell the difference between people who can't be trusted and those who can.

I can stand up for myself and the things I believe in.

I am completely free of all physical symptoms of anxiety.

I learn much of what I know from watching and listening to others.

I can disagree with someone without being angry or upset in any way.

More and more, people want to help me achieve my goals.

I approach all social situations with confidence and optimism.

The days of taking myself too seriously are long gone.

I enjoy meeting and getting to know new friends.

It is natural for me to express feelings of caring and affection for others.

I feel encouraged and supported by other people.

I can maintain eye contact, when talking with others.

My social skills are now creating opportunities in all areas of my life.

This is what I'm listening to all day lol!

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Wow, that is some list! :o Some things are not just said and then easily done, though. It could require some difficult work. I see some that are true for me and some I could definitely work on. Maybe you might take a few of these that feel important to you and make a goal of them? Maybe too you might see some that already fit and let yourself feel the affirmation? Looking at this entire list at once could overwhelm anyone, though, I think...

Take care, mts.

Edited by IrmaJean
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Wow, that is some list! :oSome things are not just said and then easily done, though. It could require some difficult work. I see some that are true for me and some I could definitely work on. Maybe you might take a few of these that feel important to you and make a goal of them? Maybe too you might see some that already fit and let yourself feel the affirmation? Looking at this entire list at once could overwhelm anyone, though, I think...

Take care, mts.

It's actually a bunch of mp3s I listen to, each affirmation is repeated three times, with the emphasis on words changing each time, and some mildly annoying music in the background. I was thinking of recording my own affirmations, I mean some of these ones are stretching it a bit: "The voice inside my head is always positive and encouraging." Hahaha, that makes me laugh!

this entire list at once could overwhelm anyone, though, I think...

Perhaps, as you say, my brain will just ignore the ones it wants.

I make use of affirmations, mostly ones I make up for myself but once in a while I read one out there that I like. I like the one above that says " my confidence is growing every day"

I wonder though if affirmations like that are just getting ignored by my brain. My cbt book says "Stay Rational. Go neutral on your thoughts. Use "maybe", "possibly", "perhaps" ... this is speaking about about self talk though, perhaps it's different? Not sure. I'm probably over thinking/worrying about things.

Some affirmations I'm going to read today are from the Cbt book as well:

"I accept who I am"

"I accept what's happening in my life and have decided not to fight it"

And so on...

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I was thinking of recording my own affirmations, I mean some of these ones are stretching it a bit: "The voice inside my head is always positive and encouraging." Hahaha, that makes me laugh!

Recording your own using your own voice sounds like a great idea. I agree that particular affirmation is probably a bit of a stretch for most of us. I do think it's good to stay aware of our inner voices, though. Awareness can help to get some distance from a negative critical voice; it seems to help me when mine starts to wreak havoc with my inner thoughts. It can be tough to cope when we become entrenched within such painful feelings.

...Use "maybe", "possibly", "perhaps" ...

It's easy to get caught up in black and white thinking at times, but that can keep us stuck, I think. "Possibly", "maybe", and "perhaps" keeps us open to the possibilities and to change, which is great.

Some affirmations I'm going to read today are from the Cbt book as well:

"I accept who I am"

"I accept what's happening in my life and have decided not to fight it"

I like those. I may use them myself today, thanks. I think a lot of us have difficulty with talking kindly to ourselves; it feels awkward and uncomfortable at first. It does get easier with practice, though, I have found.

Wishing you well, mts.

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I think a lot of us have difficulty with talking kindly to ourselves; it feels awkward and uncomfortable at first. It does get easier with practice, though, I have found.

I agree, I'm also worried someone will hear me.

Recording your own using your own voice sounds like a great idea.

Really? I think I'd find it really hard to listen to my own voice!

I did set up a computer text to speech program with the latest technology to read all of those affirmations but I couldn't get it to emphasize certain words. I'd probably have to mess around with the words individually. I do think actually speaking yourself has a lot of extra value, rather than just listening - it's the "action" behind it, if you don't take action nothing will change.

But...sigh...then I go out and try it and come home feeling worse...

I may not even have a home much longer the way things are going. The system is against me now, it keeps sending me threatening letters and so on. I hate this country.

Being homeless might actually be less stressful than my current life, just sit around reading all day while people drop pennies into my hat. What's not to like?

I make use of affirmations, mostly ones I make up for myself but once in a while I read one out there that I like. I like the one above that says " my confidence is growing every day"

Actually Vbnc looking at it again that affirmation looks like one in my Cbt book, maybe you're right: "Growing" "every day", implies gradual change, it's plausible.

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I may not even have a home much longer the way things are going. The system is against me now, it keeps sending me threatening letters and so on. I hate this country.

Being homeless might actually be less stressful than my current life, just sit around reading all day while people drop pennies into my hat. What's not to like?

i'm so sorry mts,i really hope your situation improves,and gets sorted out the best way possible.

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Posted some ridiculous, unthoughtful, selfish comments today, in simply an urge to "join in"...

I have no life outside of this forum that's the problem.

Oh well here's the latest self talk I'm reading from my book. I've been writing/copying it down and reading it also. Enjoy...

ACCEPTING MYSELF AS I AM RIGHT NOW

Healing begins when I accept myself.

I accept myself for who I am and what I am.

I accept myself for who I am because acceptance is the golden pathway to healing.

I accept myself just the way I am today.

I am a human being and there are parts of my life I want to change.

There are parts of my life that cause me trouble and difficulty.

Nevertheless, this does not change the inner "me".

I accept myself just the way I am today.

By accepting myself I am opening the door to healing.

Therefore, I relax. I take a deep breath and peacefully relax.

I am a good person. There is nothing wrong with the "me" inside the "intrinsic" me.

I accept myself, problems and all, because the more I accept, the stronger I become.

Acceptance is a powerful process. When I accept myself, I have opened the door for change.

When I let go and accept, there is a metamorphosis, a healing power. that begins to flow in my life.

As I accept myself for who I am, everything else that is good, powerful, and positive fits naturally nd completely into place.

So, I accept myself the way I am today.

As I accept myself, I will begin to change and grow.

Acceptance opens the floodgates of healing and power.

Without acceptance, there is only the struggling and the fighting of the past.

I accept myself for who I am, because as I accept myself, I become a new person.

There is healing in my acceptance.

There is power in my acceptance.

My acceptance allows the flow to surround me with its natural healing and power.

I accept myself because I deserve it. I accept myself just as I am so that I can move forward in peace, calmness, strength, and confidence.

Acceptance is the key and the core of my progress. I accept myself and allow this natural pathway to emerge. I accept myself so that I can move forward.

Acceptance is my strength and power. I accept myself and allow myself to change.

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I agree, and I like that one.

I have been thinking about acceptance a lot lately. It's like we get so used to not accepting certain things that they start to become blurred, to the point where you can't really think about it anymore, there's too many "but...", "I can't because..." and "what if". So I think these words are helpful to focus the mind. Maybe...

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  • 2 weeks later...

Why don't I ever fit in anywhere. Not even on the internet......

A man loses the sense of right and wrong...is he still guilty...why do we punish insane people

I attempted suicide when I was younger, during a rather hectic period of my life. Then when things calmed down I said to myself when my parents die (I see that a lot on this forum), "I'll kill myself", but when they did I actually felt free. That was then, though.

It makes me wonder a lot of things about suicide, but I'm not going to write them here. Or anywhere for that matter.

God I've written some ******* up **** on various parts of the forum earlier today, things so dark my hands started to sweat and I couldn't breathe.

This place is my only outlet for negativity.

La la la la

Posting in my own thread like this suits me better I think, I can just ramble here like an incoherent old drunk on the street corner. How ironic. :)!

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