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frog in a well


Hope
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I am from a country where things related to psychology.. mental health is rarely discussed and understood. If one has some kind of problems, they never admit and even if they do, people start taking them as insane, shameful, and totally hopeless. They wont be seen and accepted as normal ever again. Its like getting big dirt on yourself which you can never clean out. There are mental health hospitals though. I don't know if anyone can understand what i am trying to say.

I had never talked about my problems ever before with anyone maybe I never realized I was having issues or say i was refusing to admit it to myself. Sometimes I feel I am having these thoughts and anxiety because I want to. I chose to be like this. I feel I don't want to get out from all of this. Sometimes I feel there is nothing wrong and there are no problems and things are just right but I am the one who doesn't want to see it right and normal.

I don't know why I am even writing all this.. I don't know if this will help...I don't know if i want help..

I have so much to say.. I have so much I want to express but I... I don't know.. I just want to scream... just want to cry my heart out.. I feel lonely.. I just want to run away from everything.. i feel lonely but I want to stay alone... I hate to be here.. but I am scared to be out of here. I don't know if I can do anything better than what I am doing right now...

...I am just writing whateva coming in my heart ..I may not write anymore or may b i will.. koz generally I never talk about these things to anyone.. I had talked to a friend before but one started treated me like weak and useless person (mayb i am one)and my bf just keeps on saying don't feel this.. he says just don't think ..well thats why i am writing here?

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I like what you said "I don't want to be here but am afraid to not be here". That really resonated w me. Also I am lonely too but am fed up w peoples cheap shots, put downs and judgement. If I have to always play defense I would rather be alone.

As far as answers goes, no one can give anyone else an answer because my answer is not your answer. Your answer lies inside of you.

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Hello Hope and welcome to the Forum.

I sympathisize with what you are going through because I went through it too. I also live in a place where mental health is never discussed and so, for over twenty years I felt alone and thought I was going crazy. I was unable to talk about it with anyone, until I found this forum. I found a lot of help on here, from those that have been through the same things you, and I have been through. Most of us on here are still struggling, to various degrees, with depression, but we try and support one another the best we can, and believe me, it does make a difference - I know this from personal experience. Don't feel bad about posting here - consider it a place where you have friends that won't judge you and understand exactly what you mean when you say you feel like screaming. :) On here, I was able to put into words things that had been inside me, things I thought I would never be able to express, and getting it out has been a huge relief. I hope you can get it out of here too. Remember that on here no one will judge you. Take care, M. P.S. If you feel more comfortable talking to me privately you can pm me. :)

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Its 9:35 p.m. now ..I write.. I delete .. I write .. I close the web.. I open the web and then again I think what and how should I reply? Do I write thank you..do i say i am happy to see ur replies? How should i start? what should i say?

This morning I checked my mail and saw people replied to what I posted... I was at my work.. I felt numb for a while.. I was scared I had to reply.. this is definitely not normal.. i can feel my heart racing... I donno why m scared... mayb i am scared because what i posted was a part of me..it was my thought and felt like you read it... thatsy i am scared..

yeah answer lies within me.. people have issues and problems definitely bigger and serious than mine.. Sometimes i feel like I am an addict.. addicted to being isolated, pain, ongoing thoughts .. do they have name for that too? like they have for every feelings thoughts and behavior ?

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Hello, Hope,

I see it may be scary; probably because it makes you feel very vulnerable - ? Here is something to watch in this context, I hope you'll find some insights there:

https://www.ted.com/...n_vulnerability

I wish you to overcome these feelings that force you to delete and to become able to let yourself share with us everything you'd need to.

Take care!

Edited by LaLa
I corrected some mistakes
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Hello again, Hope. I understand how scared it can feel to know someone has read your innermost feelings and I'm glad you were able to overcome that and post again.

You don't have to answer or reply to anyone if you don't want to, but if you can get to where you feel safe in doing so - in putting how you feel down in print, so to speak, then that is a good start. I was hesitant too, at first. I felt as though I were baring my soul to the world and leaving myself so vulnerable. It felt like the walls I had put around myself were crumbling and that feeling was scary. But I persevered because the people here helped me to, and it has benefited me a lot. Just getting out some of the things we thought we would never be able to get out, is a huge relief.

I hope that little by little you might get to where you feel you can share what you are feeling with us, but you don't even have to think of it as sharing it with anyone - I remember when I got 'stuff' out, I did it for me, not because I wanted anyone else to read it.

Please feel free to pm me if that would make you feel more comfortable. I hope we hear more from you.

Take care, M.

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Hello, Hope. I love that screen name. :-) I apologize for my delayed response to your intitial post. I want to welcome you to our community.

It's okay to feel whatever it is that you feel. All of us have struggles and vulnerabilities. I don't think this makes us weak; it makes us human. Life can be challenging and sometimes our wants, needs and feelings may feel out of balance or in conflict with one another. I think it's great that you are acknowledging what you feel and have expressed that here. I hear you that open self expression can feel uncomfortable sometimes. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. We have a blog section here in the community that has setting options if you would feel more comfortable with that. I blog here regularly and find it very helpful.

Take care, Hope.

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