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What to do about suicidal thoughts?


Jupiter
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I posted some time ago about how I was getting addicted to heroin. I left town and weaned off it and got off it, but still have my problems with my chronic stomach pain. Coming back I was hoping to get more but the dealer got arrested so that's gone now, and now having tried the Chyna I don't want to go back to Tar, since it is so disgusting. I had this whole plan when I was in California that I was gonna come back and get my life good, but now that I think about it, it's impossible. So now I am back to normal, not doing school anymore and I decided to fall back off my job. According to this site:

http://bl.ocks.org/abovethemean/raw/9395398/

I am in the 1.77% percentile, more voluminous than only 0.08% of dudes, from the "hungfun" average which culls data from clinical studies. The Hebernick study is self reporting so guys could get a custom condom so they claim it is likely to be accurate. In that one I am in the 7.89% percentile, more voluminous than 1.71% of dudes. I am figuratively fucked. Like the likelihood I will make a girl orgasm from vaginal penetration is low, or have them enjoy me. The whole "get good at other things" thing seems bullshit, I don't want to eat pussy, or have to make up for something like there is something wrong with me. I really don't want to just live some life as some loser virgin beta who people always wonder why he never gets a gf or lie about getting laid when I didn't. I want to have sex with a woman and us both enjoy ourselves, but apparently this is impossible.

I even met a girl who was not very attractive physically or personality who said she had a incredibly small vagina and could not have sex b/c guys couldn't fit in her. I tried to have sex with her just because but when she told me she was actually attracted to big penis' and was planning on getting surgery to get her vagina enlargened I lost my desire. I don't feel like I want to live life. I take a mood stabilizer so I am not really depressed like I used to be. I don't lie around all day, I have energy and am not all physically fucked up. But mentally I am dead. I see beautiful girls and don't want to look b/c I know it will be humiliating if I am actually successful. I think it's so whack to have to live life as someone facing constant rejection and humiliation. So I have these suicidal thoughts, but I'm not all laid out in bed and barely able to function like when I used to get depressed. I have my .45 pistol so it will be real easy, just blow my brains out. I am getting to the point where I am thinking about whether I should write a note about why I am killing myself.

Tbf, I would rather be a heroin addict. At least you have a reason to live but that ultimately is a dumb idea and guaranteed to lead to misery. So I guess this is a cry for help. I don't know what to do right now, because there is no way I could talk to somebody about this irl. I am thinking it might be best b/c it is my choice on whether I get to live or not. The other thing I was thinking about was signing up with the YPG militia in Syria to fight ISIS. I know that sounds crazy, but I figure participating in that would give life meaning and is a just fight. My family I have told about this desire are steadfast against it, but I figure perhaps I would feel like fighting a group I see as "evil" with a group I see as "just" would make me happier. I also think this is unlikely, and my bipolarism would probably be an issue if I seriously went over there as I would have to get off my medication. The only other option seems to be "develop a "I don't give a fuck attitude" and just try until you succeed b/c statistically there will be some women who don't mind. The idea of having to date like 6 women just to get one that "accepts" me is too humiliating to bear. I don't see a point to living.

And other than the solace of knowing I am not alone in my suffering, this forum provides nothing for me. It seems there is no solution for this "ailment". Philosophically I don't see why I shouldn't have the choice to kill myself. I was born at the wrong time. In the past it wasn't so important. In the future we will be able to change our bodies. But now it is of utmost important and basically unavoidable. I don't want to be alive. But that's just cuz I don't see a reason to be alive. I guess I want ya'll to give me a reason to be alive. But I don't think ya'll can. So I'm really worried I am actually going to do it. They say bipolar people shouldn't have guns. They are right. It's sitting a few feet from me and I know it will be instant or near instant. Certainly shorter than a lifetime of humiliation and pain. I sort of want to say why I am killing myself in my note. So people can know? But I don't want to be the object of people's jokes and pity after death. In fact, misanthropically, I want people to be sad after I'm dead. I want other people to feel pain. I hate them, not me, them. I'm fine, they don't think I am OK. All this fantasizing about my death leads me to think it is serious and maybe I really will kill myself. Should I "check in" somewhere? They are going to ask why I want to kill myself, but I will not be able to tell them. It is too humiliating.

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Does not the food in your belly, clothes on your back, roof over your head, myriad of entertainment choices from video games through drugs and sports give you any pleasure or comfort? Nothing at all?

It used to but not anymore. I can honestly say I have nothing to live for. I don't even have my health anymore. I'm in so much pain. This life doesn't even come close to being worth going through with all this pain.

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I've had time to reflect on my life over the last past couple of days and I have to come clean. Ive never liked women sexually and im gay ive always been I just tried my whole life to convince myself im not gay but I am the first kiss I ever had was with a boy when I was kid and to be honest I liked it he was 4 yrs older than me women are beautiful but I never looked at them as sexually attractive I just felt the need to get this off of my chest

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Well slightly off topic but I hope you feel better admitting it to yourself. 'Coming Out' is not so much about letting other people know about you (although it's part of it) but admitting it to yourself so you can think about ways to fulfill your sexual ambitions without feeling shame. You don't even have to fulfill them but it's important that people spend time to get to know themselves and acknowledge who they are to themselves even if it's not who they wanted to be... Whether gay, bi, straight, or celibate, life isn't always easy but acceptance of yourself is critical imo.

Sigh....... I appreciate your comment but I just feel like it was a mistake for me to be gay no disrespect to you I have high respect for you and everyone else here.I dont want to be gay I admire gays who are out of the closet and open and proud being gay is something I didnt want to be but I know I am and I cant change that ive repressed my gay desires for so long thinking that it would make them go away but it only made them stronger and it has only made me very depressed im what you would call a self hating gay person. I dont hate gays or anything I support them but I just wish I wasnt gay I hate myself for the feelings I have towards men but im so turned on by them acceptance is not easy I wish I could like women sexually and then I could understand the guys on this forum better. My fantasy of being straight is a fallacy

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  • 1 month later...

I didn't kill myself but I started buying larger quantities of heroin to cut down on the cost and now my habit is much more affordable. I use it throughout the day, smoking it not injecting it and am certainly addicted now. In fact I've just lost my sex drive these last few days. But I think that's better than having all the suicidal thoughts b/c it was getting intense there. Now I have been doing a lot of research on this and am working on a plan to fix myself and finally accomplish my goal of having sex. I'm convinced it is achievable, so I guess I have more hope now than I did.

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I'm convinced, even though it is a fact my penis is in the bottom 2% that my problem is still mental, that if I learn to accept myself and be confident and figure it out I still can be a good lover. So I am trying to develop a concrete plan to change my subjectivity.

it is in your head, it's in all of our heads. For me personally, it's mostly the pride/embarrassment thing. But about the sexual ability, the few sexual partners I have had got a lot of pleasure out of my entire body and not just my dick. Lesbians have awesome sex without any dicks involved, and most women need direct clittoral stimulation regardless of their partners size, so it's sex isn't really meant to be 100% focused around the penis.

And what has worked best for me on the pride/embarrasement front is only becoming intimate with a person after I have become comfortable with them and believe them to be a person of high character. That way I'm not going to reveal my small penis to someone who would hurt me.

I can't offer you any experiential advice on the addiction front, but know that we support you here on this board. We want you to get through the pain in your life as best you can, and want you to know there is always support an help for whatever problem is in front of you. I'm glad you're seeking out for help and that you are trying to work through your issues. Please know that we're here for you if you ever need anything.

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  • 2 weeks later...

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