Do you want the truth?

[LaLa]

I think I see your point TO4T and I can't argue against the fact that "this didn't help". At the same time, I wonder if the problems are really based on the fact that "find yourself and be yourself" is a bad advise for you. They might as well be based only on 1) you not really finding yourself (only supposed "that was is", when you were 18), 2) the judgement you made about yourself, 3) perhaps an impression that "this is me and I can't change, I'll always be not enough", 4) the judgement you received from others in a way that wasn't helpful at all, ...

Quote

I wish i'd had people in my life who had taught me how to fake it.

This reminded me of some sources and I've found also a few more about the topic:

http://www.businessinsider.com/power-pose-2013-5?op=1 

http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/isnt-what-i-expected/201207/try-some-smile-therapy 

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/confidence-9-ways-fake-til-you-make-bernard-marr-5985898918502821888

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-empathic-misanthrope/201109/fake-it-til-you-make-it

I don't know if it's helpful  , but anyway; good luck and take care!

 

[IrmaJean]

Did someone tell you you weren't good enough when you were growing up? You don't have to answer that.

One thought I have is maybe it depends on who we answer to?  If we're relying on external sources to make us feel "good enough" or if our efforts are solely for the approval of others, I think we may always be searching. For me, if I can't genuinely be myself, the other stuff has little or no meaning anyway.

I think fake it until you make it can have its place too, though. It can offer a space to cultivate new growth. I have found it helpful to build feelings of confidence through practice.

The above is only my opinion. I do hear you. I'm not sure how best to help. 
 

[malign]

" Me, i found myself by the age of 18, and myself wasn't enough. "

Where did the definition of "enough" come from?  That would be useful information.

You recognize that many successful people don't have "enough", either (in your words, they fake it.)  Yet, you're aware that they don't have it, so they can't be faking it that well.  Why is it worse to show one's shortcomings, and at least be honest about them?

[TooOld4This]

Thank you, everyone, for your contributions.  I was hoping this would generate discussion, and it has.

I can't help but notice that there's some circular thinking in some of your comments.  It goes something like this: "you should find yourself, then you wouldn't care about what other people think, and you wouldn't fake it."  I think you need to wind that circle back a little bit, to see where it starts:  "if you succeeded with your original self, the set of behaviors you were born with, then your original self would be worth finding and feeding.  A successful, popular person's self is worth finding.  Then you wouldn't care what other people think..." and so on.

Successful, popular people are happiest when they're themselves; hey, no kidding.  But that doesn't mean the reverse is true, that being yourself makes you happy.  Success is at the root of happiness (for most people, i think.  There are always exceptions.)

As for why it's worse to show one's shortcomings (again, i'm not knocking the question; it's a very insightful one) --

This is something i've simply noticed in my own life: when i was genuine (you know, "being myself" after "finding myself"), that's when the worst social consequences came to me.  I don't remember ANYONE liking me for my genuineness and honesty; not even one.  Not even my wife.  On the other hand, when i concealed my hurts and successfully pretended to be something i'm not (the key word being "successfully'; i wasn't successful very often), then things actually turned out a lot better.

But thank you everyone for sharing.  This is a good discussion and i hope it keeps going awhile.

 

 

 

[IrmaJean]

I have a lot of thoughts, though not much time at the moment, unfortunately. With the working model you have described here, if I am interpreting it correctly, a person's worth would be dependent on outside sources. My thought is that when our worth comes from within, we won't then need others' approval to supply it to us. In the same regard, others also won't have the power to take it away from us.

Also reward can look very different when it's intrinsic. For example, I know from within myself that I'm conscientious, hard working, and I care about my job. When I put this into action, it does feel good. I have learned that, although I do like when my work is recognized, I don't need that...I do it for myself. That comes into play here on the site as well. I connect with my caring parts from within when I am supporting others.

Success is a subjective word, I think, and may have very different meaning for each individual. What does success mean to you? Happiness for me is an emotion that may come and go, whereas joy is a state of being.

How do you feel about yourself?

[TooOld4This]

Thanks, IrmaJean, for continuing this discussion.

I'm glad you feel secure in your own skin; i certainly don't want that to change.  

I started this discussion partly to communicate a new idea, one that people like you may not be aware of: that self-worth is not intrinsic, it's a wonderful blessing acquired when people are young, and (for most people, with the usual minority of exceptions) it can't be taught or learned.  In my case my self-worth was taken away at a young age; partly by my parents, but mostly by my peers in high school and college.  Yes, whether you believe it or not, i've spent the better part of 50 years trying to replace that self-worth in all the ways you're describing, all the cliches repeated over and over:  "it doesn't matter what this boss thinks of me, even though it means i didn't get the job,"  "it doesn't matter what these young women think of me, even though it means i didn't get a date," "it didn't matter what those boys thought of me, even though it meant they could beat me up with no consequences," "i have self-worth, i have self-worth, i have self-worth, [repeat 100 times]"  "i love myself, i love myself, i love myself [repeat 100 times]" and on and on for 40-50 years.

After 40-50 years, one notices that this doesn't work.  

I found myself when i was a young adolescent; and at the same time i learned that it was never good enough.  Not for those prospective employers, not for those girls, not for the boys who pointed and laughed (or worse).  

Please understand, i was BEING MYSELF when all this happened.  I was being the only self i knew how to be.

This, by the way, is another myth that i would like to challenge: that we the Uncool Unwanted People chose to be what we are.  We the dorks, the nerds, the wallflowers, the dogs, the wimps, the "begs" (that's a new word, one that i heard of for the first time in this website) DID NOT CHOOSE to be the unattractive losers.  It was simply what we were left with, because we weren't taught how to be normal.

It still tortures me.  My wife and i saw a commercial on television where the voiceover said, "be yourself."  And my reaction was, "well of course i am; i'm stuck being me.  I've tried to change; i wish i could be someone else."

For all of you who discovered who you are, and discovered that was good enough, i'm happy for you.  

Enjoy it; you've been given a wonderful gift.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry this happened to you in both your childhood and in school. I have wondered if ongoing bullying can cause a traumatic response. It's a huge problem. Bullying and the potential negative effects it can have on those being bullied...for both genders...needs to be taken very seriously, I think.

My belief, with respect to your beliefs, feelings, and experiences, is that we all are born with worth...but that we learn how to interact with ourselves and with others through our attachment and relationships to our earliest caregivers. If something goes wrong in this and our needs aren't met consistently, there is no clear foundation for us to build on throughout our lives. If we learn dysfunctional means of coping and relating, this will be the model we then work with.

I hope I didn't give the impression that I was perfectly secure. I am not and I have struggled for most of my life with feelings of low self worth as well as insecure attachment. I was never popular in school. Over the past 10 years, after the loss of a friend and subsequent therapy and years of working on myself, things are better for me now. I am much more comfortable in my own skin, though these feelings are still vulnerable. I have times when I backslide, usually during stressful times, but I can find my way back now.

I think it's way too simplistic to advise someone to just love themselves or that positive self talk alone will change things. These feelings (of accepting and caring and loving oneself) have to be nurtured and cultivated and it's unquestionably very challenging and difficult work. From a neurobiological standpoint, one has to create new connections in the brain as well. I do believe and think it's possible to improve things. Maybe one might start by becoming aware of self talk and listening to one's needs?

You are being yourself now, true? I am here listening and I hear you. 

[TooOld4This]

I’ve been thinking more about why some of you disagree with my argument that, yes, a lot of times we really do have to “fake it ’til you make it,”  It occurs to me (maybe i should have thought of this right at the start) that a lot of you all may be thinking of a very different “self” than the one i’m thinking of.  I was only thinking of MYself, and the self of anyone else who recognizes their own essential traits when i talk about mine.

In the hope of relieving some of the consternation some of you may feel, I want to write here that I do believe there are several issues in which everyone must “be yourself.”

I agree that you should “be yourself” regarding the following issues:
— emotions that you feel toward your partner and adults in your family;
— sexual orientation and gender identity;
— race and ethnic heritage (sorry, Rachel Dolezal);
— religion or secularity;
— marriage / serial monogamy / promiscuity;
— education and knowledge (i will never presume to talk as a peer about physics to a physicist);
— for women, weight and beauty (just because men notice the woman with model looks, doesn’t mean you should starve yourself or get cosmetic surgery.  As i man, i also see my responsibility here).

I do stand by my original position; i wish i could’ve faked a lot of behaviors that could have helped me.
But i hope this post accommodates the concerns that some of you have.

[Resolute]

8 hours ago, TooOld4This said:

I agree that you should “be yourself” regarding the following issues:

— emotions that you feel toward your partner and adults in your family;
— sexual orientation and gender identity;
— race and ethnic heritage (sorry, Rachel Dolezal);
— religion or secularity;
— marriage / serial monogamy / promiscuity;
— education and knowledge (i will never presume to talk as a peer about physics to a physicist);
— for women, weight and beauty (just because men notice the woman with model looks, doesn’t mean you should starve yourself or get cosmetic surgery.  As i man, i also see my responsibility here).

I do stand by my original position; i wish i could’ve faked a lot of behaviors that could have helped me.
But i hope this post accommodates the concerns that some of you have.

why do you think that we must accept our race and ethnic heritage? what if some of us can't come to terms with it?

why must women accept their appearance when appearance plays an enormous role in ones life? and why is it just women that you mentioned? is it ok for men to starve themselves or get cosmetic surgery? or is it ok for them to not accept their appearance?

i could ask similar questions regarding the other points, but some of them are fixable.

[TooOld4This]

It may be that some people are not comfortable with their race.  Racism is certainly a blight that causes continued suffering.

I think it's OK for people to do a few things to improve their appearance (moderate exercise, a limited wardrobe of nice clothes) but i think the whole issue of appearance has gotten way out of control.