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Obsolete

What's the point?

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I'm sorry you're feeling suicidal.  :( How long the feeling has been there? Is there something specific that triggered / increased it today?

I see that you don't think it's probable that things will get better for you. But testimonies from people who have survived a suicide attempt show that life can bring also unexpected changes for better and people are grateful for having survived to be able to experience them. 

Could you, for now, try to write more about how you feel, to vent? Could you, perhaps, even try to search for some other reasons to stay alive than just the fear of hell? Are there, for instance, some people (or pets?) important for you who would miss you? Are there some things that you can still enjoy, despite the negative aspects of your life? Have you already tried all the possible therapies? ...

Take care! I hope you'll stay with us... 

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14 hours ago, LaLa said:

 

Could you, for now, try to write more about how you feel, to vent? Could you, perhaps, even try to search for some other reasons to stay alive than just the fear of hell? Are there, for instance, some people (or pets?) important for you who would miss you? Are there some things that you can still enjoy, despite the negative aspects of your life? Have you already tried all the possible therapies? ...

Take care! I hope you'll stay with us... 

Hi Lala.

I don't share much when I write because I struggle to formulate my thoughts into words perhaps because I have a weak command of the English language so I usually just keep it simple.

How do I feel? Useless to be honest. I've failed at this thing called life and I simply do not see myself getting out of the mess I find myself in. I'm an idiot, not educated, incapable of critical/deep thought. I have no confidence whatsoever. You know, that manly presence. That self assuredness now called big dick energy, I don't have it. It doesn't help that I'm not packing down there either.

I have no friends, no love life, have lost interest in everything I ever cared about. I have no purpose at all and as much as this may have me sounding like a teenager, I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate that I exist.

So no I genuinly cannot think of a single reason to remain alive. I do have family (parents and a sibling) but I've never thought of that as a hindrance. I'm a dissapointmen to them anyway. Sure a tear or two may be shed but life goes on eventually. I have no wife o children of my own so no worries there.

I have not tried therapy as I regard it as useless. No offence to anyone currently in therapy, knows someone who is in therapy or is a therapist themself, but I don't get why anyone would pay money just to talk to someone, it just doesn't make sense to me. Perhaps a silly sentiment to have given the situation I find myself in but it's honestly the way I feel about it. 

I have tried self improvement. I've worked on my weight. I've even  purchased books on picking up women but it just ends up seeming futile to me. I end up feeling like I've missed the boat. I'm not young anymore and so any efforts feel useless.

I'll stop here because I'm starting to feel like a whinny little teenager. I appreciate your comment Lala. Take great care. I'm sorry if you feel your attempt at helping is wasted as I shared nothing positive in my reply. All I can say is thank you for trying to help.

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5 hours ago, jazz said:

Sorry you are having a tough time Obsolete and feel this way. The world needs you 

 

This genuinly made me smile. Thanks. I don't believe the world needs me at all but your comment put a smile on my face.

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38 minutes ago, Victimorthecrime said:

Hope things turn around Obsolete. I know what you mean about life. It's weird, sometimes you have to hope things get better and sometimes you have to accept how they are. Making that call is not always easy.  

Vic mate I hope all is well with you. Yeah life can get rough but nobody said it would be easy. Some people manage to make it work despite the worst of situations. I don't know Mate, Perhaps this world is just not for me.

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1 hour ago, Obsolete said:

How do I feel? Useless to be honest. I've failed at this thing called life and I simply do not see myself getting out of the mess I find myself in. I'm an idiot, not educated, incapable of critical/deep thought. I have no confidence whatsoever. 

I've read many of your supportive comments on this forum, now you really need the support yourself because this is how depression is, it makes someone feel awful and completely self critical.

When I was depressed it was unbelievable how many negative thoughts revolved around my head, it's a misery prism. 

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@Obsolete, I'm sorry you feel that way :( .

18 hours ago, Obsolete said:

. I'm sorry if you feel your attempt at helping is wasted as I shared nothing positive in my reply. All I can say is thank you for trying to help.

You don't need to apologize. And I don't think nor feel I "wasted" my time or efforts. Even if you felt a bit better for a short time, it was worth it. Of course I'd love to see a big change in your perspective, for your sake, naturally, but I'm realistic... I also know sometimes (often?) just many small steps can lead to a significant change. Perhaps you're taking some of them now, by writing about your situation, feelings, and perspective and by reading our reactions; who knows?

18 hours ago, Obsolete said:

I've failed at this thing called life

It is also possible that you "failed" according to criteria which don't truly matter. Perhaps your view of "success" is unnecessarily demanding. 

May I ask what have been your ambitions?

Here is a text I'd recommend you (a depressive friend once mentioned the Kaizen way as it helps her a lot in her everyday life):

https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/get-1-better-every-day-the-kaizen-way-to-self-improvement/

I would also recommend you to watch this Netflix series, but I know it's possible that you won't find access to it (at least so far - it will surely soon be available also elsewhere) :

https://youtu.be/eIGGKSHMQOM

You might at least read this review about it - perhaps it could feel at least a bit good reading about the topic (?):

https://medium.com/@jennifersartorehulst/hope-is-everything-6b20d804ac17

Here is also something about it (the hero):

Quote

"[...] he just wants to die, and he reasons that since he wants to check out anyway, he might as well just toss any sense of decorum into the sink with his growing pile of dirty dishes and punish the world for his loss.  "If I become an asshole, and I do and say what the fuck I want, for as long as I want, and then when it all gets too much, I can always kill myself, it's like a superpower," he tells his boss"

/

"He contemplates suicide, but instead he decides to live long enough to punish the world for his wife's death by saying and doing whatever he wants. Although he thinks of this as his superpower, his plan is undermined when everyone around him tries to make him a better person again."

It may be one of many alternatives to suicide - "just change your life / attitude as if it didn't matter anymore what others would think". It may be dangerous (if someone is / wants to be violent and this releases his aggressiveness), but in this case, it was only verbal "aggressiveness" / rudeness and it brought, eventually, an interesting lesson for the hero - he realized after some time how to use this new "superpower" in a rather positive way; not hurting "good people".

Anyway, back to your post:

18 hours ago, Obsolete said:

I'm an idiot, not educated, incapable of critical/deep thought.

From the way you've been expressing yourself here, it's obvious you are definitely not an idiot, and you're not just superficial and uncritical. But I think I know how you probably feel - I am educated and people think I'm relatively intelligent, but I've seen myself as "idiotic" most of my life. So yes; it's a matter of perception. I realized the difference between my definition of "idiocy" and the definition others have, is that I think I'm too "stupid" to live "wisely" / "as I'd like to". It's probably similar for you (?). But people who actually are morons don't realize they are morons.

BTW, you wrote:

19 hours ago, Obsolete said:

I don't share much when I write because I struggle to formulate my thoughts into words perhaps because I have a weak command of the English language so I usually just keep it simple.

Yet, just then you wrote a relatively  complicated post in good English and it doesn't give the impression of you having "struggled" to write it - it's well-written, easily readable, it explains well your points. Isn't at least that a reason not to trust your self-perception? ;) 

So, the problem is that you think you should have / would need more intelligence and better capacity of critical thought. May I ask why you consider it so important for your wellbeing? What is it that you miss, in practice?

It's very easy to find many articles about "intelligent / smart people being unhappy / miserable", so... I doubt it that it's very relevant to overall life satisfaction. (some examples: https://www.learning-mind.com/fail-to-be-happy-intelligent/https://www.inc.com/geoffrey-james/why-are-smart-people-so-miserable.htmlhttps://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/why-so-many-smart-people-arent-happy/479832/)

18 hours ago, Obsolete said:

I have no confidence whatsoever. You know, that manly presence.

Yes, I can see that this may pose many problems to you :( . But confidence is also something one can slowly build, systematically increase. 

Can you tell what makes you "non-self-confident"?

19 hours ago, Obsolete said:

I'm not young anymore and so any efforts feel useless.

I don't know your age, but as your parents are still alive, you're obviously not "near natural death". But that's not even important. There are people who become happy just in their old age. I don't know if they are numerous, but I know some. Staying alive may be seen as giving yourself the chance to experience "better days".

19 hours ago, Obsolete said:

 as much as this may have me sounding like a teenager, I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate that I exist.

Sadly, it's 'normal' to hate one's life and oneself when one is depressed and / or in a difficult social and emotional situation. But what do emotions like love and hate tell us? When we love something, we want more of it or want it more often, when we hate something, we either want to avoid it or change it. Avoiding is easier, even in case of one's life / oneself :( 

19 hours ago, Obsolete said:

I have no friends, no love life, have lost interest in everything I ever cared about.

The loss of interest is probably due mainly to depression (which is most often treatable and can go to remission). And making new friends is a challenge that would bring a new aim in your life and then also new benefits. Even making new acquaintances can be good for you - and that wouldn't be so hard. For instance, is there an opportunity for volunteering where you live? If yes, then that could bring you some purposeful activity as well as new friends.

BTW; you do have some kind of friends: Us here!! :) 

19 hours ago, Obsolete said:

I do have family (parents and a sibling) but I've never thought of that as a hindrance. I'm a dissapointmen to them anyway. Sure a tear or two may be shed but life goes on eventually.

This is something many suicidal people erroneously assume! Loosing a family member by suicide is very traumatic! Even when your family is not supportive. They would very probably live in never-ending remorses and self-blame! It's sad that they only show you their disappointment :( , but it's surely not the only thing they feel about you. Some people are very bad at expressing positive emotions and appreciation, unfortunately. And some are even bad at noticing the good things in others (often until they loose them - then they suddenly realize...). I suspect that the attitude of your family towards you is not as much a result of "who you are / how you life", but rather one of the causes why you've been so miserable. It's very hard to build confidence and succeed without supporting parents (at least in childhood)...

19 hours ago, Obsolete said:

I have not tried therapy as I regard it as useless. [...]  I don't get why anyone would pay money just to talk to someone, it just doesn't make sense to me.

I see that it may appear weird to someone who doesn't know a lot about it. "Just talking" doesn't sound appealing to everyone. But good psychotherapy is much more than "just talking". It's creating a healing relationship with another human being; a non-judgemental, understanding, and accepting professional who doesn't want anything from you except for your collaboration on your common effort to make your life better (for a fee, of course). Many studies have shown that it's the relationship that heals / make the biggest difference. But it can't make sense to someone who hasn't experienced it, because you cannot just imagine it. 

19 hours ago, Obsolete said:

I'll stop here because I'm starting to feel like a whinny little teenager.

What's wrong about "whiny little teenagers"??? ;)  The point of places like this is that you can vent here as you please / need. Don't judge yourself for expressing your emotions and describing your problems. You might as well need to "get it out" (to feel a bit better??).

Sorry to pose so many questions, but... I believe that if you consider such a huge decision, you might as well take enough time to think about all the aspects and answer all the raising questions and 'objections'...

Take care!

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I'm sorry you're feeling so down, Obsolete. 🙁This life thing can be challenging, I hear you. I don't have any simple answers, but I am here listening and I care.

Depression can make everything feel dark and not possible. I think one of the points of therapy is to have a safe space to openly share feelings. True that therapy isn't for everyone, though. I think we each need to find what works best or helps us most, however that looks for each individual.

It's good that you reached out here. I hope that expressing yourself helps.

Take care of you.

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2 hours ago, IrmaJean said:

This life thing can be challenging, I hear you. 

And just to expand on this a tiny bit - it's not our fault.  It's important to realize that life is often hard and that is completely independent of anything we have done.  There is only so much we can even impact much less control.  

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On 3/27/2019 at 6:02 AM, LaLa said:

 May I ask what have been your ambitions?

More than anything I wanted to be a father and husband. That dream began at a very early age. Career wise I was never really clear on what I wanted. All I knew was I wanted a small family and do whatever it took to maintain a happy home. That dream is all but dead now.

 

On 3/27/2019 at 6:02 AM, LaLa said:

May I ask why you consider it so important for your wellbeing? What is it that you miss, in practice?

I guess intelligence is just one of those things that are better to have than not.  It's no fun walking around feeling like an idiot and it makes for better job and mate prospects. 

I noticed at a very early age that women place high value on intelligence when it comes to choosing a long term mate. I was aware even then that I was not particularly very bright compared to my peers. I struggled academically and socially so I began distancing myself with the idea that I would work on my intelligence, and once comfortable with my cognitive abilities, return to mingle again. I never got to the point of being comfortable with my thinking abilities and so over time I've concluded that I'm simply not suitable for a mate. I don't want to burden anyone with my foolishness. What woman wants a dumb man to marry and start a family with, and what child would be proud to have a dull father? It's best and fair that I remove myself from the mating game.

 

On 3/27/2019 at 6:02 AM, LaLa said:

Can you tell what makes you "non-self-confident"?

•Lack of intelligence.

•Lack of education.

•No charm.

•Small penis and I'm a short man.

On 3/27/2019 at 6:02 AM, LaLa said:

BTW; you do have some kind of friends: Us here!!

I really appreciate that.

 

On 3/27/2019 at 6:02 AM, LaLa said:

Sorry to pose so many questions, 

It's ok. I don't mind the questions. It's just that you're so kind and positive I wish I had better/more positive responses. I appreciate your efforts.

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You’ve summarized my life obsolete, I couldn’t have written it any better. Like you I fear suicide only because I can’t imagine what could be worse besides constant, endless intense physical pain. Otherwise I’d have destroyed my body years ago. Also - it isn’t your fault who your parents are. People who say that or imply it are devils. I don’t care if I’m called a whiny bitch, they’re arrogant entitled bitches. I never asked for anything in my life good or bad and I don’t owe society shit, certainly not politeness.

P.S. People claim I’m intelligent. I’m not. I never had a sex life or social life so I read lots of books. I’m actually quite dumb and mediocre. But I can tell you intelligence in a general way is absolutely worthless. I’d rather have a big dick and be street smart. Women want mediocre intellects like engineers once they’re ready for a beta male provider. Like baath said once they will just have a paramour on the side.

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I'm sorry I don't have enough time these days, but I'd like to mention at least some things:

There are as many women with relatively low intelligence as men, and it's improbable that they would seek a very intelligent man. So from the statistic point of view, intelligence shouldn't be a problem for finding a mate. Moreover, kindness is more important for a relationship - and much more precious for life in general...

Sorry for mentioning Ricky Gervais's work again (it's only because I'm now in a "phase" when I watch many videos "with him", so it easily comes to my mind as a reference / example), but I also like this series as an explanation that kindness and friendliness are more important than intelligence, although it will never happen that everybody would agree (but intelligent people have "enemies", too!) : - BTW, also read some of the comments below the video - at least the first 3 (just below the description) ;) 

 

I don't know what is your age (I'm curious but you don't have to mention it if you don't want to), but I suppose you should still have a chance to have a family: What do you think about finding a widow or a divorced woman with a child / children? Have you tried on-line dating sites (there you could search for women in such situations)...?

Also, you mentioned not having friends. In my opinion, friends are more important than a partner / lover. And making new friends can be an important "intermediate step" between solitude and finding a partner. It necessitates efforts, but... so would both suffering in the status quo and planing a suicide - and the potential outcomes of the two kinds of efforts (living better / not changing or dying) would have such opposite values! 

Are there any opportunities to volunteer in the area where you live? That would be a great way to start, as it introduces you to new, kind, people as well as gives you a meaningful activity and shows you that you are able to be useful. In addition, you could (later?) try some other regular (free) activities where you could meet new people. 

BTW, it is very possible that your "academic" problems are mainly due to teaches that weren't competent enough to help you find your true abilities. It happens far too often. One nice example is Daniel Pennac, who'd been considered dumb and problematic by teachers but later was lucky and became a great teacher and writer - he resumes his views on schooling in this great book:

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12857101-school-blues?rating=2

 

9 hours ago, Klingsor said:

I don’t care if I’m called a whiny bitch, they’re arrogant entitled bitches.

I don't know if I "should" mention this ;) , but I like this attitude. In general; why should one care about opinions of people who don't understand - and even don't try to understand...??? Even more if they are harsh, rude, make one's life even harder...!?!

That's all from me for the moment. I hope very much that both of you will "stay with us" and gradually discover ways to feel much less miserable...

Take care!

Edited by LaLa
added a line

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21 hours ago, Klingpeach 🍑 said:

You’ve summarized my life obsolete, I couldn’t have written it any better. Like you I fear suicide only because I can’t imagine what could be worse besides constant, endless intense physical pain. Otherwise I’d have destroyed my body years ago. Also - it isn’t your fault who your parents are. People who say that or imply it are devils. I don’t care if I’m called a whiny bitch, they’re arrogant entitled bitches. I never asked for anything in my life good or bad and I don’t owe society shit, certainly not politeness.

P.S. People claim I’m intelligent. I’m not. I never had a sex life or social life so I read lots of books. I’m actually quite dumb and mediocre. But I can tell you intelligence in a general way is absolutely worthless. I’d rather have a big dick and be street smart. Women want mediocre intellects like engineers once they’re ready for a beta male provider. Like baath said once they will just have a paramour on the side.

Man I love your bluntness. I think you're very intelligent based on how you express yourself here. Hope the weekend is a good one mate.

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