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Through the Fog


Jenna520

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The Risperidone is out of my system, though I'm still adjusting to feeling the mental and emotional pain it had numbed for a while. When the feelings of grief came rushing back to haunt me, it was overwhelming. It made me physically sick. Though, I must say, I can't talk about Charlie just yet, but when I think of him, I'm not just bursting into tears constantly. It's a few days shy of six months since he's passed away. The hurt and deep pain that hurts me to my very core has done nothing but gotten worse, but there are some parts of his being gone that I am accepting better.

Could be because I'm so worried about my dad's health at this point that it somehow has me distracted. Dad is really ill, though he's been able to avoid staying out of the hospital for several days now. It hurts me to see him so confused.

Being distracted as I am seems to have given my husband the opportunity to start back his old ways. I feel my marriage is in trouble. I caught him counting my pain medicine yesterday morning and I know it was to see how many he could get away with taking. Thank God I woke up and found them dumped out in front of him, not giving him time to help himself. I fear he's dabbling and has been, behind my back. I don't feel like he's being truthful to me. He still doesn't have a job and I'm tired of not being able to pay the bills. Christmas is coming up, my heart is breaking. No money, so much stress, and all I wish is that I could work. I miss working. How did I go downhill so fast?

Life keeps revealing more hardships. I'm broken. My heart is broken. I can't let my marriage go down the drain with the rest of what has been going on. Times like this makes me wonder what I've done to deserve such.

Now that the fog of the Risperidone has worn off, I fear it's just going to get worse.

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I am so sorry you are in such a pain, Jenna.

Life keeps revealing more hardships. I'm broken. My heart is broken. I can't let my marriage go down the drain with the rest of what has been going on. Times like this makes me wonder what I've done to deserve such.

I am feeling the same and totally understand your frustration. My heart is broken, my job situation is pretty bad, no family here, no shoulder to lean on. But something makes me get up every morning, go to work that I really don't like anymore, and be a mother. I have no choice. I know how hard it is and sometimes you feel that there is no reason to go on, BUT we have to. Every day brings hope that things will change. If I won't believe in this, I have to just give up. I can't....because of my girl and you children need you.

I am here for you and I feel your pain. And again, I am sorry that you are hurting.

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Thank you both, so much. The saying "when it rains, it pours" seems to be proving true in my case. One thing after another piles on top of my shoulder's until I can't breathe. It's pouring down the rain right now, but I'm seriously considering picking up cans to get them recycled for money. I've got a lot on my mind to give me motivation to take me many miles to collect cans. I'm disgusted.

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Im sorry things are so harsh for you jenna :P:D

I know I dont know what to say lately, but I am listening to you, and can relate to having one thing after another placed upon your shoulders - it becomes overwhelming :)

hope tomorrow is kinder to you hun :o

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I'm able to get food assistance for myself and the kids but since he has two felonies on his record related to drugs back years and years ago, they won't add him to the assistance until he completes a class. All he has to go and do is complete one class but now I know why he won't.

I have been so damn distracted with my own problems that I let him fool me. I thought he was sober. Still don't know what all he's done, but I know he's been taking my medicine. It angers me to have him still from me, but it angers me that he deceives me. I feel like he's kicking me while I'm down. Instead of worrying about me when I'm laying in bed, depressed out of my mind, crying for relief of this mental anguish, he's in here counting to see how much over I am on my meds so that he can take them. He knows I never take them as prescribed, he knows I don't take them if I don't need them. Ultimate betrayal.

I wonder what else he's done that I don't know about. I'm really getting angry. I'm trying to stay calm, and get things back under control, but I also feel like my husband is working against me and using my problems to his benefit.

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Jenna, that does not sound too good. If you can't trust him then maybe you should consider leaving him at some point. It is exremely hard to be alone, being alone sucks, but it just seems that he has been betraying you for quite some time. I can't give you any kind of advice, I am just looking out for you. It just not right......sorry I cannot stand men who do things like that. Maybe because I am working with a lot of women who have been physically and emotionally abused by their spouses.

Have you tried talking to him?

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Jenna,

I was in a similar situation with my ex. I had several major crises going on at once and he just kicked me while I was down. Ever since I decided to give up on him, I've been wondering why I took so long to do it. Marriage counselling, or a trial separation, living with your parents if that's an option. You don't have to live with the status quo. A serious talk with him at the very least that things have to change OR ELSE.

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I've talked to him till I'm blue in the face but I'm not going to give up easily. One more talk, two more talks, whatever it takes for him to hear me. I've got to keep in mind that his addiction is an illness just like I have mental illnesses. Would giving up be justified? I love him very much, he is my husband, and I took him through sickness and health. However, if he ever came in blown away around the kids I would draw the line. That is unacceptable.

He is a great father, and a great husband when he's not dabbling. I understand that he is depressed about being out of work, but he's got to understand that if he could learn to control his words when he's angry, he wouldn't have lost his job in the first place. Same goes in our relationship, he says the most hurtful words when he's angry with me, ones that will cut me to the core. He says he doesn't know what he's saying when he's angry, but I don't know if I can believe that.

It's going to take a lot of work to get things back to where they were. The trust issues are hindering any progress. Any time he leaves the house or even steps outside, I'm wondering if he's got something stashed somewhere that he's going to use while he's out. I hate being so suspicious, but damn, my brother passes away, I get distracted with my own problems for once, and he takes that chance and runs with it.

I've taken my aggression out in the form of cleaning and scrubbing the house. I mean scrub brush and extra bubbles. Lol. I've just got too much going on upstairs to sit and ponder.

Lana, I see where you are coming from. My husband is not physically abusive, but he does yell a lot. If it ever came down to leaving, being alone is not something I fear. I've done it before, I can do it again. The only problem now is that I can't support myself where as I could work before. I was married previously and lived on my own for 4 years. But I was a lot more independent then as well. Lonliness could eat me alive if ever faced with that situation again.

I do have two beautiful children though who are the absolute angels of my life. The youngest has a cereal bowl on his head as we speak. I think with the love I have for my children, I can find motivation to better myself from that. I'm really trying..... it's just complicated. Nothing in life is easy, right?

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The trust issues are hindering any progress. Any time he leaves the house or even steps outside, I'm wondering if he's got something stashed somewhere that he's going to use while he's out. I hate being so suspicious, but damn, my brother passes away, I get distracted with my own problems for once, and he takes that chance and runs with it.

This needs to be addressed. That is pretty big, Jenna.

Of course no one can tell you what to do, but once the trust is broken, it is very difficult to build it back.

I admire you for having so much patience and being so dedicated to your family!

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If you love him, that's at least something. But remember, nowhere is it written that a drowning spouse must save the other drowning spouse. Things need to change or the love will be gone too. Once it gets to resentment, lack of respect, hopelessness - I don't know if it can be saved at that point. He will change only when HE'S ready, not because you want him to. However it may help him get ready if you spell out the consequences for him. Works on kids. And he appears to be acting like one, so....

Anyway, probably not something you want to add to your list of crises at the moment, but when you are up to it....

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I know he will only change when he's ready, but for the last three years he's been clean. Why risk getting hooked on something again?

I tried talking to him last night, turned into an argument. I was told to kiss his ass, go to hell, and all this stuff. Spent the majority of the night in the bed by myself, tossing and turning. Maybe it's just me, but words like that are completely unacceptable. I couldn't imagine telling anyone those words let alone my spouse!

I'm just going to let things cool down some more, do what I did yesterday and scrub, scrub, scrub the house to keep me busy. Let him do his own thing. I can't handle screaming, and I won't accept it in front of the kids, so tonight when they are in bed, I'll attempt to speak to him again. I don't like to be yelled at. I don't like to have nasty words thrown my way by someone I love dearly. It's the holidays, I want things to be better. It's going to be hard enough to get through them without having my brother here, having my husband on bad terms will not help matters at all. Praying for patience and strength. Thanks guys for the encouraging words. I hope your Thanksgiving is a blessed one.

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Yes, words like that ARE completely unacceptable. I think I mentally checked out of my marriage when my ex told me to "Go fuck yourself" because I asked him to look for a missing item that went missing because he wanted my home office space for his own personal use and in the process he had messed up all my files.

A man with a guilty conscience tends to direct lots of anger at others. Kind of a coping mechanism for them.

I totally get not wanting to piss him off further. I allowed myself to get walked all over just for this reason alone. Standing up for myself, trying to solve a relationship or money problem - would all set him into a rage.

Yah, I'd probably leave it til after the holidays, just hide stuff really well. Being clean for so long is pretty amazing. Out of sight, out of mind - might just help him.

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Maybe my ways of handling things are no longer effective. Maybe it's because he no longer respects my opinions or how I feel. I don't know what it is..... I just know I feel like I'm losing everyone who means anything to me.

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It could be that he's lost some self-respect because he's not working. He now feels guilty too because he's been caught red handed. The fact that he's a drug addict, albeit semi-reformed one, points to some likely mental health issues. Certainly there seems to be an inability to communicate like a rational adult.

It may be that both your issues all happening at once are just too much for anything to work, other than professional help. Imagine a safe environment where rational communication about important issues can take place without yelling and put-downs. Does that sound possible at home?

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I think something I said has sank in. Not sure which part but when he was walking out the door tonight to go somewhere he said he felt I was upset with him. I didn't lie about it, I am upset. I'm upset with how he has started talking to me and upset that he does things he knows I don't approve of. A marriage is built on trust and if he goes out and does things behind my back, how can I trust him with anything. If he lies to me about one thing, who's to say he's not lying about everything else.

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I'm hopeful things are going to get better. I know all relationships have their ups and downs. But I also know that speaking while angry is a bad mistake to make, so maybe it's best we both cool down a bit before speaking about it. It's something that definitely has to be addressed. I don't like his yelling in front of the children and I will not tolerate it.

It's going to take a long discussion about the trust issues his actions has caused. You can't have a relationship without trust.

He was compassionate today because he knew with it being Thanksgiving, I was having a hard time coping with my brother being gone. Today was a day of depression. He understood my pain. This too shall pass.

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Hi Jenna,

I am glad things are getting better. I am sorry if I was a bit tough yesterday. I was just trying to protect you, but you are the only one who knows what you need. So, I am here and I am supporting you.

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But I also know that speaking while angry is a bad mistake to make, so maybe it's best we both cool down a bit before speaking about it.
This makes a lot of sense.
He was compassionate today because he knew with it being Thanksgiving, I was having a hard time coping with my brother being gone. Today was a day of depression. He understood my pain. This too shall pass.
Well, at least he was there for you today, so that's one positive.

I'm not much one for holidays either. Too much pressure to be happy, when you feel opposite.

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Lana, I always value your opinion, and the way I took it was not bad. You were telling the truth. I have been divorced before and the effect it has had on my daughter is one that I never want to see any child have to go through. I stayed in that marriage 3 and a half years longer than what I should have, for the sake of my child. There was adultry, physical abuse, and so many issues, all starting from the time I was 6 weeks pregnant.

My husband is not at all like the man I was married to before. He struggles with addiction, but I love him, so it's my job to be there for him to help him through his times of struggle. That's what love is.

Yes, it hurts like hell to hear the words he says at times, but addiction is like mental illness, it has to be handled with care and understanding. I think my understanding of addiction went out the window when my brother died of an accidental overdose. I've laid down rules, he knows the consequences of breaking those rules. It's harder to put my foot down and draw the line these days because I don't want my marriage to suffer, but yet I still find the courage to enforce the rules. He's seen me down, I've been distracted, the addict part of him took advantage of that. Addiction is something that doesn't go away, just like depression, anxiety, PTSD, or all the other illnesses. You can't treat addiction with a pill, because it fuels the addiction.

I love him, I know he loves me, but his being out of a job right now and not being able to find one due to the felonies on his record is really getting to him. I understand the frustration, but I will never allow drugs in my household. It's caused a strain on the trust we had between one another. That is something we will have to work on once things have cooled off. I take my marriage vows very seriously, but I also have think more with my head instead of my heart when the time comes to make a decision on what to do. I'm not just thinking of myself, I've got two young ones to think about. I will explore all the right avenues to fixing the problems, and if it's not fixable, then I'll accept that and move on.

There was a time in my life that I thought with my heart and that's what got me in the shape of where I am today. Mentally and emotionally broken. I just pray, and I have hope, that this can be fixed and I'll handle it appropriately.

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