My mind is going a thousand miles a minute. Hitting and missing, here and there, worrying about one thing, then the next. I know I'm emotionally overloaded. Too much has happened within the last six months to comprehend at this time.
I thought about Charlie a lot today while waiting for dad to come out from having the heart cath. done. I felt anger again, for him leaving me here to cope with this alone. Now I feel guilty that such a thing ever crossed my mind.
I was completely distraught this morning, to the point I was almost in shock. Dad's heart was working 5 % on the right side, possible blood clot in the lungs, turns out it's not a clot, but there's definitely something there. When I arrived this morning, they wouldn't let me back, but they allowed our pastor to go back. I was so afraid I wouldn't get to talk to him before he had the procedure. His liver and kidneys are not working correctly. He has fluid in his lungs. What is that spot? Atleast the heart cath. proved he didn't have a blockage and that this has all been caused by a virus. If all goes well he gets to come home tomorrow. Still so many uncertainties. I am relieved that it's not a heart disease and that it can possibly be reversed by a complex regimen of meds over a long period of time but worried if it's going to work, wondering if the spot in his lungs is cancer, wondering what's going on with his liver and kidneys.
Dad told me this morning he was ready to go be with Charlie. My heart was heavy, still is, but I understood. I wanted to say "but I'm here and Charlie is there, so what about me?" But I couldn't be selfish. I'm just being selfish.
Worrying about the bills. Still no job for my husband, he doesn't seem to motivated to try to find a means to support us, and I'm unable to work. I'm getting very frustrated. Christmas and my daughter's birthday is coming up and we don't a penny to our name. Why am I the only one worried at this point?
I feel like I'm alone in this world. Nobody understands nor do they care about what goes on with me.
Rent is late, bills are unpaid, there are things we need, I'm falling to pieces, wondering why my husband is lying to me, I miss my brother, I'm worried about my father, I'm worried about mom, I'm alone, left with my racing thoughts. What to do? What to do?
How did I end up where I am now? I remember a time when I was hard working, confident, independent, and strong.