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Random Vent



My mind is going a thousand miles a minute. Hitting and missing, here and there, worrying about one thing, then the next. I know I'm emotionally overloaded. Too much has happened within the last six months to comprehend at this time.

I thought about Charlie a lot today while waiting for dad to come out from having the heart cath. done. I felt anger again, for him leaving me here to cope with this alone. Now I feel guilty that such a thing ever crossed my mind.

I was completely distraught this morning, to the point I was almost in shock. Dad's heart was working 5 % on the right side, possible blood clot in the lungs, turns out it's not a clot, but there's definitely something there. When I arrived this morning, they wouldn't let me back, but they allowed our pastor to go back. I was so afraid I wouldn't get to talk to him before he had the procedure. His liver and kidneys are not working correctly. He has fluid in his lungs. What is that spot? Atleast the heart cath. proved he didn't have a blockage and that this has all been caused by a virus. If all goes well he gets to come home tomorrow. Still so many uncertainties. I am relieved that it's not a heart disease and that it can possibly be reversed by a complex regimen of meds over a long period of time but worried if it's going to work, wondering if the spot in his lungs is cancer, wondering what's going on with his liver and kidneys.

Dad told me this morning he was ready to go be with Charlie. My heart was heavy, still is, but I understood. I wanted to say "but I'm here and Charlie is there, so what about me?" But I couldn't be selfish. I'm just being selfish.

Worrying about the bills. Still no job for my husband, he doesn't seem to motivated to try to find a means to support us, and I'm unable to work. I'm getting very frustrated. Christmas and my daughter's birthday is coming up and we don't a penny to our name. Why am I the only one worried at this point?

I feel like I'm alone in this world. Nobody understands nor do they care about what goes on with me.

Rent is late, bills are unpaid, there are things we need, I'm falling to pieces, wondering why my husband is lying to me, I miss my brother, I'm worried about my father, I'm worried about mom, I'm alone, left with my racing thoughts. What to do? What to do?

How did I end up where I am now? I remember a time when I was hard working, confident, independent, and strong.


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I'm sorry life is so challenging and painful, Jenna. This sounds very stressful and anxiety-provoking. :(

When do you have therapy again? Is there something you can do for yourself to get away and get some peace of mind? Even if it's just going to the library or someplace quiet...

I'm here. I care and I'm listening.

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Jenna, you have a lot going on right now. Don't berate yourself for buckling under the stress. It's made oh so much harder by the lack of support from your husband. Sounds like you're used to being the strong one holding everybody else up. The problem with that is nobody wants to accept that you are human with human frailties. Time to tell your husband to step up to the plate. Honestly, why do the guys have to kick you when you're down?

I do so feel your pain.

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Thanks for the beautiful pictures. I love nature and oh how comforting I find these pics.

Thank you, Athena. You and I seem to be on the same page a lot. I can't think of how to word things and then you'll respond to my thread or blog and say exactly what I meant with the perfect wording.

I am used to being the strong one and now that I'm not, I don't know what to do with myself. I get frustrated with the lack of support. I guess also I know that Charlie would support me if he were here but now he's gone so the last of my support is gone.

My dad is in awful health. I just don't know what I'll do if I lose him too. Since my brother's death, they have pushed me to the side and "disowned" me because they don't want to accept the truth in my brother being an addict, and I on the other hand, accept it. So this hurts me more. The last five months of them acting ridiculous cannot be gotten back. That is time lost. During a time I needed their support to cope with the grief of losing my brother, I was pushed to the side like a peice of garbage, and now there's a chance I could lose my dad. If that happens, will we have time to heal the damage that has been done, or will I be left with the added grief of thinking my dad didn't love me and was angry with me. It hurts me so much.

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I'm sorry about your Dad. It does sound like there are reasons to be hopeful though. When you are in the headspace you are in, one has a tendency to go straight to the worst scenario - which isn't a sure thing, or even the most likely outcome. Not by a long-shot.

My brother has also been the most supportive - listening to my rants for hours on end. He's also the least equipped - OCD, morbidly obese, diabetic, depressed, ADD and constant money troubles. Strange how that works. Why do the nice people suffer mental health issues while all the uncaring ones have self esteem?

You so badly need support. What about your kids? Can you tell them you just need more hugs these days? Can you talk to them? REALLY talk to them? Not to dump a bunch of stuff on them but just to be with them, to tell them you need them, that you want to be close to them. Play board games, chess, listen to music together, watch silly youtube clips together, whatever. It opens up a space for communicating and bonding.

Sorry if this last suggestion makes no sense. I can't recall how many kids and what ages. I seemed to remember you have a teenage daughter.

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I do have two children, but they're too young to open up to. I have a daughter who will be nine years old in a month and a son who will be two years old in the Spring. I had been running errands helping mom since Dad got out of the hospital yesterday, and she calls and checks in with me to let me know how he is every couple of hours. I don't call because the medicine makes him jittery so I don't want the phone to startle him. Mom urged me to talk to him just a few minutes ago, so I was going on about current news, sports, talking about funny things the kids done, or the dogs.... Mom calls me back when we get off the phone and absolutely chews my ass for bringing up local news because a man had drowned in the lake yesterday. I fail at everything I do. Everything I do or so is a screw up.

I'm disgusted right now. I feel like Mom is hiding something from me as far as my Dad's health goes because of some of the stuff she says, and I feel like I'm a bother to them both. She hid and enabled my brothers addiction for 14 years behind my back, so why should I trust that she is telling me the whole truth about Dad.

I don't know which way to turn, because whichever way I go, I tend to piss somebody off. I hate to think I'm a bother to those who are supposed to love me and to those that I love. Especially since they're the only ones I have left.

Life hurts sometimes. Well, for me, it hurts quite often. Tears and sadness are a part of my new norm. I wish for once I could make things better instead of worse. :(

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(((Jenna))) I'm sorry :-(...

I fail at everything I do. Everything I do or so is a screw up.

This is just your depression talking. It's not true. I see that your life is painful, I see that you srtuggle and often feel like failing, but this is absurdly generalized, not true.

will I be left with the added grief of thinking my dad didn't love me and was angry with me

He does love you, Jenna. And he would surely be sad if he knew you doubt it. Maybe you can try to 'verify' it when being with him ;-). Show him your love and... I hope he's show you his love for you... :o

I'm alone, left with my racing thoughts. What to do?

Although we can't tell you what to do, we are here to listen and support you. You're not so alone. I hope it helps a bit...

Why am I the only one worried at this point?

Maybe you could try to deprive your husband of some of the things he enjoys and/or needs telling him "we don't have money for it" - maybe then he'll "notice" and start to care more. Did you talk with him about his searching for job? How does he explains his passivity? Maybe he has a problem and you could help him with it - maybe he feels that "everything is meaningless and it's not worth to try to do anything" - doesn't he need psychological help, too? ... I don't know, just trying...




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I wish I was sitting on a rock in the first picture, which I find so beautiful. The rushing water could race by, taking my worries and troubles downstream, leaving my mind clean and free of burden.

Thanks everyone for being here for me through my times of struggles. Times are just really hard right now, and I'm letting my depression take over the way I think. Stress affects me more now than it ever has, and that alone, frustrates me so much.

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And could you go for a walk in nature? I know it's almost winter now, but... there surely are some beautiful places accessible for you, aren't there? :(

In the meantime, you can imagine living here :o:


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Hi Jenna,

I agree with what Lala said about your Dad. What would have to happen for you to feel that he loves you?

Also about your husband. A man who refuses to look for work has a problem. You need to talk to him about this. With a third party present if necessary so he can't stonewall. Be very careful. Marriage contracts can be drawn up after the fact. You need to protect yourself from the possibility that when you get better and get a good job he won't simply divorce you and go after half your paycheque. I'm sorry to bring this up if that fear has not entered your mind, but if it has, it must be dealt with or it could be hindering your recovery. If he does not feel capable of working, should he not also be applying for disability??

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Sorry, I've been having an increasingly hard time the past few days. I thought the Risperidone had been helping me but after it got into my system, I had an awful reaction to it, and that's why I haven't posted.

It as the scariest thing I've ever been through. Hallucinations, severe anxiety, paranoia, physical and mental numbness-I couldn't even tell the temperature of my bath water, severe mood swings, and so much more. I thought the added stress of my father being in bad health had really caused me to lose it. I wouldn't wish the experiences I had on anyone, not even my worst of enemies.

Today has been better, though I slept most of it, but I'm really looking forward to getting this medicine out of my system. The flashbacks have already started back though. But for fear of ever having that kind of reaction to another medicine, I'll never take medicine to try to stop them. I guess the flashbacks are really going to be my new normal. I'll have to accept that because I will not chance ever having the experience I had with risperidone, again. I'll reply more and respond to the above posts when I get a bit more together. I'm still a bit confused. May take a few more days to get me back to thinking correctly. Thanks Beth, for your concern. It is always a welcomed feeling to come on here and see someone ask how I'm doing. God knows, at times I feel like no one really cares, especially around here.

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Hi Jenna,

I hope you're feeling a little better tonight. I thought Risperidone was supposed to have the opposite effect. But then again, all the antidepressants I've tried bring me DOWN, which also seems to be the opposite of what they should be doing. Maybe we're just not cut out for drugs:confused:.

You have so much on your plate right now. It is no wonder you feel like you're coming apart. I hope your Dad is on the mend and that you can have that 'heart to heart' chat with him. It is horrible to not feel loved by a parent.

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I'm slowly but surely starting to feel a bit better. I don't know how much longer it will take to get this medicine out of my system or if I'm just feeling awful because it has left my system. I slept for 14 hours last night. I'm still so tired.

I thought this medicine was supposed to have the opposite affect too but I guess I was wrong. Sad part about it was, I'd still be on the medicine if I hadn't called my psychiatrist and argued with how I felt. He wanted me to stay on it. I don't understand why. It was literally causing me to lose my mind. I'm so sensitive to medicines, that's why I hate meds so much. I wish I didn't have to take anything. I agree Athena, I'm not cut out for drugs. Good thing I never have or never will have the urge to do recreational drugs. This experience has made me angrier with my brother's death. It's hard to explain and I'm still a bit foggy headed so I'll explain that later when I feel like I'm talking with some sense.

I have been able to sit down and talk to dad at this point. He's so confused because of the medicine he's on, that at times he doesn't know whats going on or where he's at. But I talked with him. He was scared about his diagnosis from this point forward. It was like explaining to a child that everything was going to be okay. Now's not the time to have a heart to heart with him, but knowing that mom had tried to explain why he was confused and so had my husband, he didn't understand and it didn't comfort him, but when I sat down and talked with him, he's much better and understands what's going on. He calls my mom by my name, my daughter by my name, and everybody else. It's like the only person he's not confused about is me. I wonder at times if he remembers Charlie?

I think maybe he didn't want to talk to me in the hospital because he didn't want to break down emotionally. Dad has always been like that.

My stress is aggravating my grief. I'm having the flashbacks of my brother more and more frequent. I'm having them morning, day, and night. The terrible aching of sadness has returned once again. The kind of hurt that hurts all the way to the bone. I'm so preoccupied with trying to avoid the flashbacks and keeping myself from breaking down, I guess I must appear like I'm a lost puppy wondering around.

My mother, for the first time that I ever remember, has told me that she loves me. She's been more like a mother to me. I guess that's her way of showing appreciation for me helping her with dad. I don't think she understands that I'm not helping her because I feel obligated to help, but because I love them. They haven't been there for me through my hardest times, but they're still my parents and I love them. Just because they have acted in such manner to make me feel bad about myself, doesn't mean that I have to start acting the way they have in the past.

I'll post more as my head gets clearer. I'm really having a hard time concentrating. I'm sure this post is hit and miss on every topic. But the important thing, is this is just a minor set back, I'll be fine, and I'm getting better. Thanks everyone for your support. I really appreciate your kindness.

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I understand how disturbing being in a mental 'fog' can be. If I'm not going in circles trying to figure out how to change something that is completely beyond my control, I'm in a mental fog from exhaustion. I keep going down the path of imagining myself in the worst case scenario. It is debilitating. I guess I'll just have to work on the premise that I will get my brain back once my ordeal is over.

It seems your number one issue is your grief over your brother. Would it help to talk about your flashbacks? Get things out and deal with them at the conscious level so you stop getting dragged back there?

I'm here if you want to talk.

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Thank you, Athena. I don't know if talking about the flashbacks would help, or just cause them to get worse. Every time I try to talk about it, it's like it aggravates the circumstances. I don't know what to do. I have another appointment with my doctor on the 30th but I don't know what he has in mind. I don't want any more medicine. I just want to find a way to help me deal with it- no meds involved. Am I going to the right kind of doctor. I'm going to a psychiatrist, should I be going to a Psychologist? I just don't know what to do. Seems like every step I take forward, I'm knocked back three more. Something has got to give soon.

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It seems to me a therapist - be it GP Psychotherapist, Psychologist, Psychiatrist or whatever would be the right choice. Neurofeedback has also had some success in people with PTSD - I'm not an expert on the condition, but it seems to me it's basically horrible recurring memories that you keep 'reliving' over and over again in your mind - which seems to be what you are suffering from.

If you go the therapy route, I don't think a CBT practitioner would help as much as a regular 'talk' Psychotherapist, Psychodynamic Psychotherapist or Psychoanalyst would. Somebody who specializes in PTSD, if you agree with my analogy above - might not be a bad call. Although, perhaps a diagnosis would be in order before you decide on a specialist.

Your brother dying may simply be the 'crisis' that brought an underlying condition to the surface.

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Like I said, I go back the 30th, and I'm really nervous about it. Simply because I'm scared of the LABEL. Don't really know how I'll handle it. I haven't handled anything rationally since Charlie passed away. I get angry with myself so much. My mom seems to think I can help having those visions by getting to chose what I see. She said I didn't need to see a therapist, to just grow up and accept it. Like I told her, I'm left with the last vision I saw of him here on Earth. It's not like I can flip through my happy time memories and chose one to have a flashback over. Instead, I'm left with a vision that was so shocking it seems it burned into my retinas.

It makes me angry not to have any support from her. It especially irks me to be told I can stop what is going on with me. If I could stop it, why would I choose to live in misery?

I just don't understand. :o

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I'm sorry your Mom is so unsupportive. She probably thinks she's helping. God knows I keep telling myself to just 'grow up', stop allowing my emotions to take over, take a deep breath etc, etc. But since it doesn't work, the last thing I need is to hear it from others. It just comes out as uncaring judgement. I think you are right to get professional help.

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Apparently not him. I've heard that house guests have a habit of looking in the medicine cabinet to see what drugs people are on. I just find that so weird.

If he's doing something other than snooping and is actually looking for pain meds, I suppose you can refer him to your Dr. But first let him know how you feel about him getting into your stuff. Some guys are so insensitive, they haven't got a clue what impact their actions may have on others. He may not even consider it a breach of privacy. Or perhaps he'd like to see what brand of contraceptives you're on and would he mind paying for half of them while he's at it, after all it's half his responsibility:rolleyes:.

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