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A Smiley celebration?

Sweety, I know it hurts not to have contact with them, but does it help at all to know that they're out there safe, still?

Imagine if they had all been killed in a car accident, or something, and you were left alive. Wouldn't that be worse?

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no not a Smiley or a little Wriglies celebration big bro. this doesnt invole them.... at all. I dont think. Although it is little Jjs' Birthday next week, she is going to be 5, cant believe it bless her. I know all my Smileys and Wrigglies are better off without me. They are safe and happy, with new momas and papas having the time of their life, i would never of been able to give them that. it was for the best :(

nope its other stuff this time.

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Is it stuff that would help to talk about?

It's difficult, with your quick succession of hypers and lowpers, to get a solid, stable place to stand, isn't it? But it's worth working towards ...

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cant talk about it, not altogether sure what 'it' actually is. im still hyper lowpery, thats not gonna change any time soon. its just the way it is. its stupid stuff ya know real damn stupid pathetic stuff that trying its damndest to push me over the edge. and yes ive told my therapist and p'doc earlier - im back on constant obbs - no idea why though. i asked the nurse and she said coz she wants to keep me company - like what a load of bs, i want to be left alone to work out what im meant to do - cant really do that wiv someone watching me.

im stuck. its madness, coz things are becoming arse about face and confusing the shit out of me. thought i was somewhere else earlier and nearly got run over. dont think im gonna get escourted leave again for a while.

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You don't have to talk about it.


They just want to make sure you don't suddenly come to the conclusion that you're "meant to do" something harmful to yourself (and I'm sure you guess that.) On the other hand, if you just close your eyes, it's like they're not even there, and you can work on whatever you need to.

Can I ask where you thought you were? I understand that you'd be pretty confused, still ...

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thought i was near normans house - i was tryna run away. stupid right?

but it smelt like that area, and in my head it looked like it too. ive had flashbacks and nightmares before but it wasnt anything like one of those. and i was outside it was bloody daytime, and shit people oh my god people i was just so frigging scared. i dont know anymore. its not meant to be like this.

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sorta told my therapist and p'doc. but neither of them could tell me what the fuck is going on with me, in a way i can understand, cant be like this big bro. whats gonna be next?

not handling this at all. and its got me stuck big time.

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Well, just because we don't understand what's going on at every moment doesn't mean it will always be this way. Maybe it's not easy for them to describe what's going on. But I would trust the people who want to help you to sort it out, in the long run. Still, you know that the long run isn't a few days, so you may need to be patient with yourself.

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yeah, somewhere inside of me i know your right.

patience is a virtue

and yer know how patient i am at the best of times.

there are no answers or solutions - thats why i dont know what the heck im meant to do. it is what it is.

which creates this huge mass of confusion.

i cant stop it....... and reality is - im the only one that can.

coz its me doing this to me.

im not suicidal but admitidly im looking for a way out. there has to be one somewhere.

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One "way out" is to love yourself, just the way you are.

That doesn't prevent you from changing what you want to change, but it eliminates some of the confusion by confirming why you want to change: because you love yourself enough to go through it.

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is that even possible, i mean does/can anyone actually truely love themself?

coz even when im on a good hyper day i can only just manage to put up with myself - or atleast enjoy being alive a little.

reckon ive screwed up so much of my life that honestly i dont think for me that option is possible.

thanks for talking with me big bro - sorry for taking up so much of your evening. i best go coz im on a downer and think ineed to go do something before i get myself thinking that dark pathway is what im meant to do. huh, isnt self awareness a lovely thing?

best go do speak to nursey before i convince myself she is evil (again)

take care big bro

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I'm sorry you're so upset today, Sue. :( I'm glad you're safe and weren't hurt.

coz even when im on a good hyper day i can only just manage to put up with myself - or atleast enjoy being alive a little.

This is a place to start. Something to build on' date=' Sue.

reckon ive screwed up so much of my life that honestly i dont think for me that option is possible.

I understand that you can't see the possibility right now. I'm listening and I hear you, but I hope you can allow for the potential of this one day. Maybe you can allow yourself to be loved until you are ready to love yourself.

I'm sorry you hurt. :P I'm thinking of you.

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things are different, actually strangely so. guess nothing stays the same for long. its kinda confusing me so much.

idk what im tryna say, not entirely sure what im even doing half the time, maybe im just here whinging (for a change) the big woe is me number - go figure. but i dont feel sorry for myself dont really feel much of anything, cept ofcourse confused. huh, i found something that hasnt changed, i was confused yesterday too :cool:

ok finished waffling on, time for me to boogle bop and do summit else.

take care all :o

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Just different big sis, its kinda hard to explain. I'm ok, things inside of me feel strange. Things that I thought made sense no longer do. Its confusing me so much. Time and space is becoming so distorted in a way that it hasn't done before, its scarey. Seeing a specialist today and I'm hoping that he will be able to tell me what's going on with me or atleast be able to help. Hope that you're ok big sis :o

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oh Sue, I'm so sorry for yer fright :o :o :) Is any of it from drugs still in your system?

I hope we can help with the negative self talk... seems denying compassion for oneself can be an opening for a dangerous wedge for many of us, making all kinds of things more difficult :(

Hope the specialist is helpful!!!!!

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saw the specialist this afternoon - cant really remember much. they want to try me on a couple of different meds. told him it'd be better all round if they just let me go home and get on with things myself..... not allowed home, he thinks presently that it would be unsafe :o

one day perhaps the quacks will realise meds is no more the answer to all this, than me OD'ing and taking drugs. sure therapy helps, im lucky shes lovely - but thats not the solution either. I know, ive been like this long enough now to understand there is no cure for me being me. its just one of those things. cant change it - cant accept it - stuck.

admitidly though, i have to say i dont particulary give a ratz ass or monkeys banana what happens anymore..... just hoping it'll find its own way out or in coz thats the only hope i have left.

but hey, im happy enough - afterall things could be worse :o :cool:

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Its ridiculous o'clock in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm spiraling again, emotions and thoughts getting backed up by my actions - not clever - not anything just erm desperate pointlessness, so here I am yet again waffling on my blog tryna locate a bit of self awareness so that I can stop shit before I mess up. Something I don't want to do if I can help it.

The new meds might help once they kick into my system, hopefully without too many side effects this time..

I vaguely remember a time in my life when things were relatively normal - where my everyday thoughts were of things like what to cook for tea, or where to go for the weekend. I miss that time in my life, where the only thing that even remotely bothered me was missing my tube or bus home from work......... Life does move on regardless - not always for the best.

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