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thanks Beth :(

dunno whats up with me, things are going so well, and nothing has happened to make me feel/get like this - i just cant stop crying, and I dont get it. its so very frustrating.

had to phone in sick to work as my eyes are so swollen from leaky eyes that even my heaviest of make up cant hide it - so embarrassing :o

thanks for sitting with me - you're so thoughtful :o

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent." :(

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Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on its own? Because it was two tired!

Why did the math book get a headache? Because it had too many problems.

What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom? Odor in the court!

What did the horse say when he fell over? Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up!


If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

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Oh I'm hopeless at set jokes ...

Weirdly, my memory refuses to hold onto most jokes like that. Yet I can quote lengthy passages of the movies 'Airplane' and 'Hot Shots'. Don't ask me what my brain uses as a filing system ...

As for crying, maybe it's just time for it. Have you mentioned it to your support team, Sue?

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thanks for the jokes - actually I find them quite funny. Guess theres something to be said for old jokes :(

my support team are begining to look like a bottle of scotch - or in other words i feel like a loser to contact them, especially after all the progress ive been fighting so bloody hard for. So that leaves me ol' scotch. Which I frigging hate - thats why I bought it - my safety net. For when the shit hits the fan, so Im not tempted to go out and do drugs or get pissed. A fools logic - hmmm.

what can I say? im sad.

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Sue, can you paint when you're sad? I'm still looking for art :(

I think your support team would think having a sad day, now and again, doesn't mean you're not moving forward and making progress.


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... and at least your support team would probably agree with you about the taste of Scotch. {Just because Dad was Scots doesn't mean I have to drink their hooch. Or any hooch.}

A loser isn't someone who reaches out for help on bad days. Especially if they're going to reach out to a bottle anyway.

You're allowed to be sad. {You could tell your friends what you're sad about, if that would help.} It doesn't make sense to hurt yourself (directly or indirectly) just because you're sad, though.

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thanks for caring - it means a lot.

the scotch remains unopened.

its just a blimp?

im scared.

things, stuff, reality,

logic tells me its impossible. logic is not helping.

feeling sorry for myself, im so down. struggling to make sense of anything. too many tears. hoping to pass out soon. dont want to do shit ever again. but its so hard.

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Little sis, is there anyone on your support team that could give you a hug??? Your therapist?

I'm so sorry you hurt :(:o :o

Does Lucy help a little? I know Gertie must be trying to reach you :o

I would think your team would want to know how much you are struggling. Thank you for letting us know. Wish we could go for a walk together!!!!!!

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Lucy and Gertie always help big sis :o

feeling really down still, but im surviving without resorting to old habbits.

i look a mess right the now though, too many tears have caused my eyes to swell - a lot.

gotta get my backside back into gear - and stop feeling so damn sorry for myself - it dont solve ought

feel a fool

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Oh Sue, your feelings won't solve anything (change the past) but you have every right to feel down. I hope you feel as proud of yourself as we are of you. I respect your strength, courage and desire to keep moving forward. You may 'feel a fool' for crying, but I know we all feel you're very special! :-)

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forever decreasing circles just like a raindrop falling into a puddle.....

(so ok, rainrops falling into puddles cause increasing circles - but i have to be different, and so do my puddles (apparently) :o:()

i can see that the cycles i have are getting smaller. its kinda scarey.

i wonder now, just how long my stubborness and determination can hold out before the other parts of me take over again, and i dont bother trying to prove to myself "i can do this" anymore.

theres got to be a way of stopping me from going round, and i know im the only one that can work out exactly what that way is.

im back working, and the tears have eased off enough for me to paint a smile and be all cheer-y cheer-y infront of others (sheeze that truely is such hard work) but i can feel myself getting drawn back to 'that' place and frame of mind.

starting to wonder if somewhere inside of me'that' place is where i want to be, even though i dont like it there as it scares me so badly. but inevitably its where i usually end up, maybe thats where i belong - where i feel im in a wierd way - at home with myself.

idk, its entirely likely im just searching for answers that explain to me why my persona and behaviour is how it is. its just one answer - not necessarily the right one...... but it'll do me for now.

hopefully now my dear ol' brainy will switch the hell off and finally allow me to pass out. doubt it :( ever the optimist:rolleyes:

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Sue, you have self- awareness and this is positive. Have you been going to group and therapy? Maybe it would be a good idea to discuss with your therapist what you sense is happening? There may be ways to turns things back around. I think it makes sense that you may feel more comfortable in this other place if it is familiar to you. At the same time, it's not a safe place for you to be, so it's good to challenge it, don't you think?

I hope you are okay and were able to sleep.

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