Depression has gotten worse and I've been isolating more. I could call a friend but don't want them to see me like this. I don't like socializing anyway. It always leaves me feeling like I've done something wrong, like I've embarrassed myself. I don't like being alone either, though, at least not this much. I also don't even like myself, which is part of why I don't like socializing - I can't convince someone to like me when I don't like me.
I don't like myself because I failed at managing my career. I never planned for life because I was planning suicide, but I chickened out. Actually I tried once but even failed at that. The second time I chickened out. I've come to believe that doing so is wrong though, so I've given up on killing myself although I have been as far as making plans and deciding on a method.
By not planning, I've fallen far short of my potential and had to relocate away from my friends in order to find work. Well, I didn't have to, but because I cannot plan I end up wherever the wind takes me, it seems. I didn't know it would be this hard to find work after graduating with a business degree. Don't get me wrong I am fully thankful for the fact that I have a well paying job in this economy, but then again I sacrificed everything that was good in my life in order to get here, all because I have no flippin clue what the hell I'm doing in the professional world when I come from a white trash family.
So, where to go from this? Only thing I can do is try to make myself better so that I can like myself, no small challenge. At the moment it seems spirituality is the way to do this as spirituality calls us to be better versions of ourselves. Then again that's hard work so who knows if I will stick with it. Spirituality also turns out to be a crock for some and I am more like that type than not. It's just that I'm in so much pain right now that I don't see other options aside from self destruction which would make me hate myself more. To be honest, I'm lost and grasping at whatever seems to fit the bill for the moment.