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Feels like going nowhere



I stumbled across an old blog from July 2012 that I wrote. I had to re read it because I could have written it yesterday. I thought I started in February this year, turns out it was longer ago than that. Still struggling to stay sober, still a lot of depression around loneliness and where I've ended up in life. Not getting anywhere in over a year. I need to change something, but I'm not sure what.

I've identified that I am both mad at my father for leaving me, and mad at myself for being basically a failure at life. I'm not sure how else to put it. I want to live, but not like this.


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It was revolutionary, for me, to discover that I could find parenting in places other than with my parents... and I could also find it within.

What does "father" mean to you today, Ralph? What do you need from fathering today, and can you still get that from the world?

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Well it would be nice if I had someone older who would guide me. Someone who cared about my wellbeing. I can't really get that from the world though. I am lost. Nobody who has any modicum of power cares about my wellbeing.

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Not so great IJ, but I can't complain about my circumstances. It's just flat out depression. I realize I am being very negative lately & I feel like a jerk to be acting this way. Yet pasting on a happy face and pretending that everything is fine, despite these vivid images and detailed thoughts, feels like a lie. All of my problems are first world problems but it comes down to the thought that nobody needs me; I'm a waste of oxygen. If that's the case and I'm just suffering anyway, seems like it would be better for me to exit. However, if I did get rid of myself then that would hurt the people I care about the most. So I'd hurt several people and help one. Not a good trade off so far. OTOH living means putting up with this noisy mind that tells me to do bad stuff, which makes the whole decision a dilemma.

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Interestingly, if you were truly a waste of oxygen, there wouldn't be people who cared about you. You must be doing something you're not aware of, that at least somebody needs. It might be useful to put the noisy little mind to work figuring out what that is. Or even, towards increasing it. :-)

Don't pretend everything is fine; pretend that it hurts but you can get through it. Because I don't think that's "pretend".

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I've made some progress which will be posted in the next blog. I was just going to do a comment here but I don't know if anyone's checking and it is more of a status update so it will be its own new entry.

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