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Dunno


Ralph

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I am not sure what the point of this post is, except for some reason I feel like I need to do an update. Past couple months have been ok, not great but not terrible. More than I deserve to ask for so I'll take it. The good was visiting my partner and I also seem to be making some progress on a previously intractable problem at work. The bad is that I've relapsed, and I'm reconsidering sobriety, as in, maybe I just can't do this... I'll always be a drunk and if I don't kill myself in a wreck or OD from mixing drugs, then I just might live long enough to destroy my liver. The thing keeping me grounded is that I feel such regret for things I've done while under the influence. I mean, I've had some pretty intense fun making some of those bad decisions, but now my actions are catching up with me and I just have to live with the consequences of my actions.

I want to be better than this. Apparently I don't want it that bad, or I would just do it. Instead I write about wanting to do it. It probably doesn't help that I haven't the first clue of what or how to do what I would like to change. I live in a world of fantasy and it's falling apart. I don't know who I am, or what to do, or how to do it. I don't know where I belong, or when it's right to make a change. In other words, I'm completely lost. Shouldn't be a problem for me since I specialize in solving problems. Yeah, everyone's except my own.

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Does the difficulty lie in the definition of "better than this"? What if the rest of your life is spent as exactly the person you are, only sober? Does a thing have to be "bad" for a person to choose its opposite?

Maybe it's not all black-and-white and judgment-y all over; maybe it's just how do I want to live ...

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